Fever

Eating disorder related

I’m shivering in a tub of water that I keep refilling
As it slowly drains reminding me I’ve been in the bath long enough
I get chilled again
Even though the water is nearly blistering my skin

I know I’d feel better if I threw up and got it all out of my system
And I always feel on the verge but it never happens

But then it does
Too far from the toilet
Every time I wretch the sight of vomit causes me to wretch
And I’m in a cycle that keeps getting worse until I’m dry heaving over the toilet
Having flashbacks to when that was my choice

I feel ten times worse
Not what I expected
And the only part of me that feels better is the part that’s glad that I’m empty
And it scares me

It’s been months since I’ve had thoughts like this
Or at least since they were loud enough for me to notice
This is more intense than the constant background noise
I blame it on the fever
I haven’t taken my temperature but that’s the only explanation
I’m not thin enough to be this cold

Last time I was this sick was when I was Sick
I remember throwing up back then was different
Then I was choking on the feeding tube that got caught in my throat
Part of me felt as though the tube in my nose had been a medal I’d earned
Proof of all my hard work

Being sick is miserable
But being Sick was comfortable
Although I was never sick enough to think I was Sick enough.

And I know that I shouldn’t be thinking like this
I want to brush my teeth to get rid of the taste
But there are ten calories in toothpaste
And what if I swallow one

I haven’t thought like this in months
I shouldn’t think like this
Why is this all coming back again
I’m not still Sick
I’m just sick
It‘s probably the fever