A Letter I Could Never Send

Written like a letter to someone who broke my heart.

It took me so long to believe I was worth it. It only took you a few seconds to convince me I'm not. You made me love you and need you. You made sure I could never leave you. I could never live without you. You trapped me here in this comfortable cage. You broke my heart and held it together with your hands. Why would you break me if you were going to let go? Why would you trap me here if you were going to leave? How could you leave me? You hurt me, break me...and I apologize, for crying. How the f**k is that fair? I tell you I'm hurting and you tell me you don't need this right now.

I've noticed a pattern throughout my life. I have a tendency to love the people who hurt me the most. Even when I was little. The man who ruined my childhood was the one I loved and protected and didn't want to let go of. The man who took me into darkness and told me not to leave, taught me to behave, trained me not to tell, showed me my worth. My bullies were the closest things I had to friends. If someone made me cry, my love was basically guaranteed to them.

And I can't remember the last time I went a day without crying. Or even two hours for that matter. I can't even look at my bed because I see us there, you with your arms around me, promising that you would never leave. I cry when I look at my bed, my phone, myself. I can't understand how you could... I am dying from withdrawal and you don't even seem to care!

Well now I guess I love you most. Because you hurt me enough to leave scars. Because I cried over you more than I cried when I was small and afraid, more than I cried when I wanted to fit in, when I was starving, when I was dying... More than I ever cried over anything. You took me into darkness too. A new darkness. A different kind. And you showed me my worth. Trained me never to question you, never to leave. I’m still in that darkness...no one ever showed me the way out.