Redemption

Ian has to do something but he doesn't know what to do. He finds himself watching a sickening scene where Rachel becomes even more twisted while Toby and Ruthie break down completely.

Toby was still sitting. The emotions that he displayed (and tried so hard not to display) on his face were, as I had trained myself to detect, confusion, anger, and most of all, devastation. He clearly didn't understand what had happened. He didn't know who Rachel really was. He couldn't see what I could see. He knew she was a liar, but he didn't know how demented her ideas were of what was right. Even Toby, who couldn't understand rape, would never have arranged something like this.

So Toby sat, unraveling before me. He was completely breaking down. Most people would never be the same after an emotional breakdown of this size. They would be forever scarred. Once people have broken down this far, the pieces would be too small to reassemble.

For most people, that meant psychosis. But what would that mean for someone like Toby? Someone who was already so damaged? Or, at best, impaired? I didn't know. I had observed so many people in my lifetime, and I rarely got to witness someone reaching their breaking point. I had never seen a situation like this before. And a part of me - a part I hated but couldn't ignore - couldn't wait to see what happened next. I was about to throw up again, from the intense self-disgust.

I could tell that Rachel, too, was on the edge I her seat, except she wasn't ashamed or conflicted about it. That part of me, (which was unfortunately a fairly large part) I realized, was what made up all of Rachel. She had no other parts. She was the embodiment of everything I hated about myself.

Something terrible occurred to me. What if she started out like me- hating that part? What if, in twenty years when I'm as old as her, that part has taken over the rest of me, too? I couldn't let that happen. I'd like to think I could stop it, but I couldn't be sure. I'd already taken Ruthie's life. The only way to make sure that never happened was to kill myself. But first, I would kill Rachel.

The normal, sane, human part of me took over again and I realized that I couldn't kill her. Even if I was doing the world a favor, I couldn't kill. I couldn't take someone's life. I had no right to that kind of power. That wasn't for me to control.

But then the other part, the antithesis of the part that enjoyed watching Toby unravel, told me that by killing her, I would be saving an unknown number of people. It would be selfish to let her live just to spare myself from feeling guilty.

Then Rachel reminded me that we weren't the same after all. She was a doer. I was too busy trying to be a doer to actually do anything. I was a thinker, a planner, but still not a doer. All I had done was debated what to do, and I had yet to actually do anything. Rachel, however, got tired of waiting for something to happen. She was going to do something, to make something happen.

She stepped up to the two heaps of unraveling thread with a sick smile on her face. She said, "If you're not going to do something, I guess I'll do it for you. Starting with you." She stepped up to Toby, pulling a slick knife out of her coat pocket. Toby didn't even acknowledge her. Ruthie didn't run. They were both too far gone to hear her voice. "Even before me, your life was a lie." She taunted him, sliding the flat part of the knife against his neck, threatening to slice into the thick skin.

"All those people you thought were your friends? They didn't care about you. They laughed at you. They thought you were an annoying, retarded loser! Even Eleanor didn't love you. She loved Gabe. That's why she married him. She didn't even look for you or mention you again. She hated you for what you did to her. She didn't want your love. You took away her childhood and made her a mother. You ruined that poor baby's life too. She grew up knowing her father was a big dumbass who didn't want her.

"Who is this, you ask?" She pointed the knife at Ruthie now. I wanted so hard to do something, anything! But I was frozen in place. "She's Tommy's wife. She didn't even want to have sex with you after I threatened to kill her! Because she doesn't love you.

"You're probably thinking, 'Rachel, you're a psycho! You lied all these years! You're going to kill us!' Well the life we created for you was more real than any relationship or friendship you thought you had before you met Andrew. Because nobody loved you. Nobody appreciated you. Not your family, your so-called friends, even Eleanor; she just felt sorry for you! Well, it's not your fault you're dumb. At least we actually cared for you. Everything I've ever done was for you!"

He still didn't answer. "You're not even going to bother giving a response?!" she demanded. "I see how much you appreciate everything I've done for you. I've given up my whole life for you. All those times I could have taken me-time, but I took you-time instead? All the research I've done, the places I've gone? Not even a 'thank you'?

"Fine. I see how it is. Well don't let me hold you back anymore. Goodbye, Brad." She spit on the knife and slid her hand across the flat surface. "Perfect. I want to be able to see my reflection when I'm killing you."

Do! Do! Do! Do!

BANG!

Rachel fell to the floor.