Welcome Back

I had had enough. My wife was a b***h, I hadn't spoken to my family since college, they could be dead for all I knew, and I had nothing to look forward to anymore. I decided to end it all. I didn't like pain, so I took a bunch if random pills in my cabinet, as appose to shooting myself, hanging myself, jumping in front of a train, etc. It seemed easier.
But now I'm thinking again. These are my thoughts right now. I had hoped there was an after-life, but I had never really believed it. But obviously dead people can't think, so I must be somewhere. My spirit must be alive. But I can't see anything. Are my eyes closed? I open my eyes, but everything is too blurry to make out. I hear a familiar voice say, "Welcome back."
Everything comes into focus. I'm in a hospital. A doctor with grayish black hair and glasses is standing in front of me. He looks vaguely familiar. Like I might have known him a long time ago. But that voice, I definitely knew that voice. Regardless of who he was, I was pissed. I had taken my own life, it was my choice. I don't care how many medical degrees he has, he doesn't have the authority to decide whether or not I live. I try to speak, but I can't open my mouth. I glare at him to show him that he was wrong. He should have let me die, it was what I wanted. Does he think I took all those pills so I could end up here? Who brought me here, anyway? My wife is on a shopping spree.
"How are you feeling?" he asks, menacingly. He knows I can't answer, so what's the deal with this guy? "I'll be right back," he says. Good. Good, get out. Leave. That's right. Yes, I see you waving. What do you want me to do, wave back? The door finally closes. I try desperately to get up, but I can just barely move. I want to take out these stupid IVs, unplug that beeping machine, and find a quicker, more immediate way to die. Something that I can't be revived from.
Then, the door opens again. I'm expecting to see Dr. Asshat, but instead I see my wife. She's smiling because I'm alive, but her face is streamed with tears because she knows she's not enough for me to live for. I frown slightly and she sees that I am confused. She sits on the end of my bed and says, "We came back early because Janna got the flu. I called you, but you didn't answer."
That's because I was ignoring you.
"I didn't know where you could be when I got home. I called for you and you didn't answer. I figured you were in bed but you weren't, so I looked in the bathroom and you were unconscious and you left pill bottles everywhere. What if you had died, James? Ever think of that?"
Gee, no! Death never occurred to me when I attempted suicide.
"What if I hadn't found you? You would be gone. Gone!" She starts sobbing now. "Do you realize what that would do to me? I would never get to see you again!"
Exactly. And I would never have to hear you again. That was kind of the point. Even if I could talk, I wouldn't say that. I would think it, but I would just say "I'm sorry". I want to believe I would say it, but to be honest with myself there's no way I would. I look at her with an annoyed expression, which she mistook for apologetic. "It's okay, honey. I'm just glad you're okay. What would make you want to do something like this?"
Well, you see I didn't plan it, but you were out of town, and I just saw the opportunity and I couldn't miss it. I couldn't risk having to spend another year with your whiny, suffocating presence. I knew I could never get away with it when you were here, because you can't leave me alone for more than two minutes. I wasn't expecting you to come home two minutes later and try to save me. Now I'm mad again. More mad, I mean. Now that I've said it, or thought it, rather, the realization strikes me. I would have to spend another year with her whiny suffocating presence! Actually, after this it's unlikely that either of us will ever be able to go anywhere without the other, so I would be stuck with her until I die of natural causes! Maybe I'll just drive us both off a cliff. If she even lets me leave the house.
I'm enraged now, as Dr. Asshat re-enters the room. I look up at him with a loathing stare. He looks pleased. He says, "How have you two been doing?"
"Fine," she says. "I think he's feeling a little better now." She looks up at him.
"Amy? Amy Fields? Long time no see! How've you been?" he says pleasantly, disregarding the suicidal patient. Suddenly I make the connection. I realize where I've heard that voice before. I went to college with this guy! A lot more than just college! His name is-
"Ben Rosewood? Wow! I've been great! How are you?" She smiles.
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT?!? FIVE MINUTES AGO YOU WERE CRYING YOUR EYES OUT!
"I'm good! I finished college and became a doctor!"
What a cruel, unforgiving dick!
"How do you like it?"
"Good! We don't see a lot of patients like your husband in here."
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A MELODRAMATIC WIFE AND A GRUDGING RIVAL FOR A DOCTOR!
"Yes, well, he certainly is one of a kind." They both start laughing.
WHAT THE HELL! I realize something. Maybe she'll get back together with Dr. Asshat and be out of the picture once and for all! A slight smile touches my lips. Dr. Asshat sees it. He says, "My wife had a friend that killed herself. I understand your pain. You must have been heartbroken when you found out. I know Claire was devastated. I can only imagine how relieved you must be that he's okay! You know, with a lot of therapy he'll be better than ever. It might help if you go with him."
"Of course I'll go with him! I could never make him go alone! I'll make sure he gets better and that he's happy. I don't think I should leave him alone like that anymore, he must not have been able to stand me being gone!"
I am infuriated. I feel my face growing hot. "Just make sure you two spend a lot of quality time together from now on," he says with a smirk. He's looking at my wife, but he's speaking to me. Mocking me. Torturing me. I concentrate enough to daintily lift the middle finger of my right hand. Amy doesn't see it, but Dr. Asshat starts cackling. His expression says, "Yeah, I'm still pissed that you stole my girlfriend, but I'm glad as hell you did! I really dodged the bullet on that one! And now you're paying the ultimate price of life. Eternity with my girlfriend. That's what you wanted, isn't it?" He's still laughing, much to Amy's confusion. "What?" she asks, looking from him to me. He says, as seriously as possible, "I think patient James Rosewood will be strong enough to return home very soon now."

Author's Note

I was doing a writing prompt with my friend and the prompt was You have just commuted suicide. The first thing you hear hen you wake up is "Welcome back". It's interesting, the end results couldn't be more different.

Reviews

[weirdguyblueeyes]

I LOVE IT. THIS IS SO FUNNY...I never knew you had such a dark sense of humor....