Bert II

Sometimes someone comes into your life and, be it romantically or platonically, makes you feel new. Suddenly you've never felt the sun on your face until it came streaking around you like a halo from behind their head. You've never felt validated until they've told you or showed you they care. You've never been gasping for air at four in the morning before because you love them. Hell, you've never even been in love until now. You didn't even know it was possible to feel like this"like the entire world was in your hands but every place you touched it ate through your skin like acid.

Before her, happiness was sitting at a picnic table with a group of friends that you wanted to replace once you started high school. Suddenly happiness was a mess of rusty strawberry waves in the wind and eyes like coffee beans that sparkled as if they held galaxies. Happiness was a small, soft hand on your wrist pulling you into a dark room and a smile that glinted when she flashed it at you. You knew it was happiness because you could feel it. And you hadn't been able to feel anything for the past year.

Suddenly winter was over and it was warm. Suddenly you were experiencing summer for the first time in your life. It was the smell of rain and sweat and flowers she left on your shirt. It was the carefree way she held herself and the way she forced her way in. It was mud on your forehead and smoke in your lungs and your ears ringing. It was an arm slung over your shoulders like she wanted to keep you safe. It was a feeling that burned in your chest and twisted your stomach until you felt nauseous and your hands started shaking and your breath caught when you tried to speak. It was rejection and stubborn hope and crying into your pillow that you clenched so hard you nearly tore the fabric.

And you hated her for it. You hated how she could make you feel. And then make you feel too much. You hated that the person who made you feel alive, the first person your heart had physically ached for, was untouchable. She had pried her way into your heart and refused to move but she wouldn't even let you catch a glimpse of what she was like on the inside.

She was your friend. A friend who tugged at you on New Years Eve so your boyfriend couldn't kiss you. A friend who told you that you were beautiful and amazing and told everyone else first. A friend who traced her fingers over your arm absentmindedly and pulled back when she realized what she was doing. A friend who came crashing into your resolve like a bulldozer and yanked you out of your shell by the hand. A friend who would stand too close sometimes and say things that made your heart beat a little faster. A friend who you needed but you were greedy and wanted more.

She was never supposed to be the reason you would smile at a cursive "L". She was never supposed to be the reason you would start drinking coffee black because at the right angle it was like looking into her eyes. She was never supposed to be your first panic attack, when you left your house at 12:30 in the morning, the air rattling around in your lungs as you choked and sputtered for air and stumbled half way across town to get to her. She was never supposed to be the reason you kissed that boy instead of going to find her because you knew he could make you forget. She wasn't supposed to be the reason you left home. She wasn't supposed to be what made you realize you were broken inside and that she couldn't fix you, though if anyone could it would be her.

But she is.

Because if there's one thing you've learned in the past two years it's that it all boils down to her. She's made you vulnerable. She's made you more scared than you've ever been in your life. She's put you through what became the biggest scar on your heart you've ever had. But before that, she made you more alive than you've ever been. She taught you how to love yourself above anyone else. She taught you that it's okay to not accept "success" as something built by money and power. She taught you that home is where you're sitting in the backseat with her hair caught in the wind in front of you and her voice floating in the air as she sings along to your favorite songs.

She proved to you that she's not who you think she is. That there's still sides to her you've yet to uncover. That you don't have the perfect friendship you've always dreamed of but that it's stronger than anything you've had before. She's the only person that doesn't let your emotions eat you up. She catches you before you even know you're falling and she shows you she cares when you don't know you need it. She built a home for you when you didn't dare ask. She forgave you for falling in love with her and she was there when you fell out.

You were there with her when you bought your tickets for this ride and even if you wanted to sit by her the whole time and wanted her to be excited about everything you were, she wasn't. But that didn't mean she didn't want to be there. Maybe you got anxious and ended up getting off at the wrong stop and maybe now you're holding on to the caboose by your fingertips because you'd hate yourself for letting go. But you're there. And she's there. She may be twenty cars ahead of you but you're still going somewhere together. And you won't get off until she does. Because that's what friends do.