You're supposed to suck the poison out

10-04-09

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life."
--Cady, Mean girls

I think of the answered prayer. I think of the quiet whispered, "Someone in this room will change your life." I think of meeting him in the hallway and applying it. Maybe in a way, he did change my life. Because of him, I have deleted numbers and texts, thrown out notes, and burned clothing. He was some sort of catalyst for this radical change that is taking over my life. It's engulfing it whole. Each piece of me it swallows becomes gold and pure and shiny-happy.

I think of the strength I woke up with this morning that allowed me to hit "erase" and to mean it. I'm redirecting energy and I'm finding who I was supposed to be if I didn't take that detour. I'm putting my hands in my pockets and laughing without flirting. It's just a candid, honest laugh; nothing intended beyond that. I'm not being less honest because I am filtering. I'm not using the word Love for anything in my life other than the One it defines. I'm keeping promises to myself and getting excited for end of year resolutions.

Maybe the person in the room that night that was going to change my life wasn't him. Maybe it was me. Maybe I didn't see that it wasn't something external that I had to find or catch or cultivate. It was within me all this time. I feel stupid for not seeing my own strength.

I went to confession yesterday and the priest reminded me, "It's not about the fall. It's about the getting back up. It's moving on and not dwelling on the past." That's where I am now: getting up. From a much bigger fall than it had to be, but that's all in the past. I remember that moment before dating Matt that I wiped the heart off the glass window. That was tough. I'm proud I did it though. I'm glad I took a risk. Here I am again. Wiping other hearts, including my own, and I'm taking a risk.

I was talking to Sarah and explaining the power that comes with being able to arouse someone. You feel powerful knowing you can make someone come to their knees. Seduction gives you the upper hand. And, as true as all that has been for me, I've found a bigger power. I'm chasing no one. I'm not saying yes. These "NOs" are the most power I've ever exercised. Turning them down is power, not turning them on.

I can't save people. I can't mend broken wings. I can't pull them out of the deep, dark holes they have fallen into. I just end up down there at the bottom with them. I become the victim: shattered, broken, and cheated on. I try to take on this suffering to help someone other than myself. I think that sacrificing my happiness will bring it to someone else, but Love doesn't happen in a vacuum. That's not the equilibrium. It's an equation with an equals sign and the only thing that it equals is me, unhappy. Here's to taking back the numbers with the power of 'no' and prayer. Not everyone deserves a chance.

I'm getting chocolates and phone calls and messages and I am doing nothing about it. I'm eating the chocolate with a polite "thank you," ignoring the call, and deleting friends. I like this Katy with a 'y'. I'm beyond changing a name. I'm changing my life.
Katy, meet world. World, meet Katy.