I remember this song

9-10-09
I remember this song. We laid on the driveway under my bedroom window on the concrete. That concrete was so hard and angry, a fire burning underneath us. We just stayed there and burned down to sad stories and dreams that never came true. "Oh, it's what you do to me." The stars were dazzling overhead and we felt so small and alive. The air was filled with all sorts of honesty. That wind: it carried pieces of us back into the world. We breathed each other in. We sat in the dark on the concrete burning and living like we never have before and never will again.

I think about the concept of starting over and how bad I am at it. I try to reconcile the past, keep ex-boyfriends as friends, and move on. Life doesn't work like that, not unless you want to work yourself around in circles. I recycle life. I shouldn't. I'm learning how to walk away. I'm deleting phone numbers and ripping up cute notes and crossing a million last names off of the notebooks I write in for class. Katy Rhea. Katy Lucas. Katy Shoemaker. Those girls should have left a long time ago along with the boys whose last names created them. Katy Liuzzo. Katy Kivett. Katy Pulley. They're gone- for good this time. I can feel it in my bones. The same bones that straighten out this flesh I peel back sometimes to expose the nerves and heart and everything else that gets damaged in a car-wreck of a heart-break.

Happiness lies within. It's internal, not external. That's something that took a very long time for me to find. It's laughably stupid, really. I mean, who really thinks that a boy could fill up those holes and bring light to the dark places and create happiness where there is none? Boys are not creative; they are not creators. I have only one Creator and He has showed me where the happiness comes from. It grows from seeds that were planted long ago by a man who died on a tree. I just needed to learn how to water them and cultivate the growth and be a gardener. When I finally looked around, I found a shovel and gloves waiting for me. I've gotten my hands dirty. I've fallen in love.

My advice to girls is to never buy two concert tickets. That's where it all starts to go downhill. I would buy one for me and one for him, maybe some sort of birthday gift or just because. Next thing I knew, I was alone holding two tickets. I found another date, another boyfriend and the cycle repeated itself. Just buy one ticket. To a concert you like. With bands that you've always listened to and will always listen to. If it's meant to be, he'll buy his own ticket, maybe even yours too.

I laugh at who I used to be and I am liberated in knowing how far I've come. There are things I've done and boys that I've chased that never should have existed in my life. But, these things brought me here. I took the scenic route. Now, I'm ready for a highway that runs through plains so flat and smooth and beautiful that I want to stop the car, park, and go dance in them. Hell, I probably will. Because I like to dance. I like to feel the grass between my toes and the sun on my face and dance to music that only I hear. I've never gotten a chance to do this because I was too busy sitting in a car getting off an exit I never wanted to turn at. I'm done playing the passenger. I'm ready to drive.

I'm more alive than I've ever been before. People can hear it in my voice. I go to church and I cry because I'm so in love. I let gravity take the weight of my body and I soar. If you saw me walk, you'd wonder what I have in my pocket. It's not a note from a boy. It's not the promise of a date. It's not concert tickets. It's a secret I've come to learn. Happiness flows into your life and pockets the precise moment you decide to let it swallow you whole. I am pursing the things I love, not the people I think I do. I'm done being chased by boys. I'm going to a place they cannot. I'm sitting in a pew and the only way they can come close is if they cross themselves at the door and kneel beside me.

No more hide-and-seek. I'm through with games. I'm too tired for (anything other than) honesty. I'm simply on a journey. Take it or leave it. I can't wait to meet him. It's crazy to think (and probably even crazier to write) that I feel like I already do know him. He's the one I smile about. I can't wait until soul meets body. I am excited to see who I will be. I know I'll like her if she's anything like who I am now. I remember this song.