Chapter 3 - Catch a Falling Star

May 5th, 2031

Dear Jayne,

I’m so shaken. I wish this feeling would leave me. I don’t know how to do this. When we got to training camp, they stuck a gun in our hands and told us how to use it to kill someone. I can’t explain what happens when you really have to use it. I can still see his eyes. I’m sorry; I’m getting ahead of myself. Today was our first day of real combat. We were making our way to another camp and were attacked by some enemy soldiers. I thought I would feel more panic and alarm, but we were all calm and mechanical. It was so hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing though. Only two of our men died. I didn’t know either of them. Everything just happened so fast.

 

We were given the orders to fire at will at any attacking guerillas. Several came towards us and I loaded my gun just like I’d been taught to. I wanted to yell out to one to run away or else he’d be shot. I wanted to tell him that we are men just like him and that the people he loves will miss him. But we’re in a war and I have to forget about all those things and I have to fire at guerillas and enemy soldiers. The man kept coming and as much as I didn’t want to, I had to fire at him. It wasn’t fear, it was an inconvenience- I don’t want you to think I’m not capable of following orders and doing my duty for my country. It’s just that when the gun fired, I thought for a second I could feel the dull thud of the bullet striking flesh. He was looking straight at me. I had to kill others, but that first one stuck with me.

 

I can’t help but wonder how about things would be if I were where he was and he was in my place. I feel so responsible. But I can’t think of it like that. He’s not a man. He’s just a gun that I have to shoot at before it shoots at me. I never asked for any of this to be put on me. I want to help our country as much as the next patriotic southerner, but this is different. This is war and killing other men and trying to survive. It seems to me like this is no way to solve the world’s problems, but I can’t think of another.

 

I wish humans were more civil. I hate that we all have to suffer for the advancements of some men’s dreams. If I were in charge I would find a practical and efficient way of solving everything that is wrong with the world and it wouldn’t involve people dying. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure there must be another way. In the meantime, I’ll try my hardest to fight for you all back home. And Jayne, you know there’s a God- pray to Him tonight about the men I had to kill. Their souls deserve heaven as much as mine does. I miss you terribly, Jayne. Thanks for your letters, they keep me going.

 

Yours,

Charlie

 

 

 

June 10th, 2031

Dear Charlie,

I’m sorry you had to kill those men. It just makes me more worried about you. Please, be safe and careful- I can’t afford to lose you. I’m sorry these are the things you have to go through everyday to ensure our freedom and safety here. I just hope you realize how much it’s all worth it. I did pray for those men; I prayed for you, too. Charlie, I miss you painfully.

 

Things just seem to be going badly for us both. Today was one of those days I wish I had never gotten out of bed. Everything went wrong. It started with my parents explaining why they thought I was a failure and my mom’s “I’m-disappointed-you-didn’t-go-to-college” speech where she told me all about how I’m her greatest letdown. My mom just wants me to get out of Middleton and move towards the cities. She thinks I’ll be happier if I’m not in this small town, but I think that is her just trying to live her dreams through me. Some things will never change, will they? Taking a year off doesn’t mean I’m never going to go to school or make something of myself. I just still need time to get everything together and figure out what I want to do; I don’t plan on waiting tables for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, I just know there’s more to life than the Blue Bird Diner.

 

However, today was any waitress’ nightmare. Mrs. Sanders spilled coffee all over the counter this morning, ruining three breakfast orders that Landon had to re-cook. A table of teenagers walked out without paying. They were passing through from out of town, stopped to eat, left a mess, and snuck out when I was getting the check. At lunch, Erin Foshee spilled her kid’s cup of orange juice all over the floor and I didn’t have time to mop it up during lunch rush so the floor was sticky all afternoon. I messed up four dinner orders and got the least amount of tips all year. Everything that could have gone badly went so horribly wrong.

 

I don’t know what threw everything off. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I was almost tempted to grab Camille’s cigarettes and go smoke them until all my problems went up in flames. The liquor bottles in the back looked pretty friendly too, but I was strong. I’m being strong for you. I know how angry you’d be at me if I ever tried to solve my problems by hurting my body. What was it you always used to say? “Solving your problems the wrong way only leads to a million more.”

 

I’m trying to divert all my stress and worries about you into something productive. I tried sitting with the Knitters one day and learning how to knit, but you know how little patience I have for those sorts of things. I’ve been running lately. Not the kind of stuff that made me quit track in high school, but just some nice solid jogging to clear my head and get some fresh air. I know I can’t run from my problems, but I sure as anything can try to out run them. If I get strong enough, maybe I’ll run to you. What are a few thousand miles and the Atlantic Ocean between two people that need each other?

 

I hope everything is going better there for you. Things here will shape up eventually, just like the eventually that will bring you safely home to Middleton. We’re all missing you so much, Charlie. I look forward to your letters, too.

Yours,

Jayne

 

 

 

July 6th, 2031

Dear Jayne,

It’s so difficult to keep doing what I’m doing. I just try to stay mechanical and not think about it being right or wrong. The other guys here have really become my friends. We’ve all come to be a real close-knit family. These guys are the brothers I never got the chance to grow up with. Actually, I think we’re all growing up now. A lot goes on here that changes a man forever.

 

I suppose that brings me to last night. We’d been attacked by another enemy unit and we had to set up camp until we received orders. To say the least, it had been a rough day. I hammered my spikes into the ground, tied up the strings, and put up the tent I was sleeping in. I rolled out the sleeping bag and climbed in like most other nights. Except, this night was different. I’d never felt more alone, abandoned, and destructive that I did lying on that hard ground praying to fall asleep and wake up alive.

 

Jayne, I laid there for two hours thinking about everything. I don’t want you to think I’m weak. I’m still the man you saw me grow up to be. I’m still Charlie Murphy. But last night I did something I’ve never done before. Last night I cried.

 

I can’t even remember what brought it on. All I know is that I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I tried to stop it by writing again to you, but I just made a mess on the paper. It got louder and fuller and I felt so weak for letting myself go out of control. I muffled my sobs in my pillow, like I’d heard my comrades do at night sometimes. You hear others crying at night when they are alone in their tent, but you don’t talk about it in the morning. To us, it never happened.

 

We don’t talk about it to each other and that is why I needed to tell you, Jayne. I write home to my parents sometimes and I tell them how everything here is fine, how I’m in no danger, how I will be home in no time, and that I’m making the best of being in the Middle East. I can’t lie to you, Jayne. You know me through and through and you’d see the tear stained paper and write me about it. I’m saving you the trouble.

 

I don’t know why, but I feel better now that I admitted it to you. I’d never felt smaller than I did at the moment that first tear fell in my hand and cleaned off the dirt.

 

I wish all this were a bad dream and that tomorrow I would wake up in my warm bed in my own house and be with everyone. I’d realize I dreamt the whole thing and that there was never a war. I’d go downstairs for breakfast and call you and tell you about the weird dream I had. You would pull out that dream book of yours and tell me you knew how to interpret it. I would laugh and tell you to go ahead and you would whisper, “To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your personal affairs.” Then you would tell me how to fix everything.

 

Jayne, how do I fix everything?

Forever Yours,

Charlie

 

 

July 19th, 2031

Dear Charlie,

We’ll fix this. We’ll be together. I’ll tell you how. On July 29th, the Delta Aquarids meteor shower peaks, sending dozens of shooting stars into the atmosphere that night. You can see it from anywhere in the world with the naked eye. That night, come out of your tent, wrap yourself in a blanket, and face south. I’ll curl up in the backyard on a quilt and do the same. We’ll be half-way around the world, but, in a sense, we’ll be right next to each other. We’ll both be looking up at the same sky. We’ll share in the beauty of creation and watch a natural phenomena take place before our very eyes. We’ll be together and we’ll fix everything.

 

I’ll wait up all night if I have to. I’ll sit there and hold out my hand and maybe I’ll catch one of those shooting stars. Then somewhere during the night, I’ll realize they are never meant to be caught. And you will sit quietly and stare up at the sky and we’ll feel small together. We’ll remember the excitement of the first shooting star we ever saw and we’ll conjure up the best wish we can. On every single one of those stars, Charlie, I’ll wish for your wish to come true.

 

I know sometimes you can feel like everything is caving in, but when you lie there looking up at the sky you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. You’ll let your mind wander to outside galaxies and planets and stars. You won’t be sitting in a campsite for the army fighting a war. You’ll be lying on a blanket next to me, forgetting it all.

 

You’ll feel so close to me at that moment, and we’ll share something that few people ever will. This is what you need, Charlie. You just need a night to breathe and not think about everything that is happening. I want to give that to you- for your birthday. We’ll watch the sun rise on your birthday, the day after the stars fall.

 

Until that night, don’t be afraid to cry. I will never think any less of you no matter what you do. Our friendship is bigger than any struggle or weakness or battle. You’ll realize this in the end. It doesn’t matter how far away you are from me, Charlie, because I’m always right there with you when you want me to be. Those nights you feel hopeless, I’m holding your hand. Remember that, Charlie. My hand always fit inside yours.

 

Forever yours,

Jayne

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The scars of War never leave a man or woman. The story in his letters is the question all Soldiers must ask themselves. To be killed or kill. The letter were powerful. Filled with confusion from a War. A excellent chapter.
Coyote