Anxiety Attacks

Do you know what it feels like to face an empty black shadow? To feel your thoughts spinning out of control? To lose all sense of self?

Spiraling down into a black abyss, rocking myself senseless, longing to be free and to return to life. Anxious tremors creeping up and down my spine. A boiling knot of fear and panic settles in my stomach. Beads of sweat bubble on my forehead, yet goosebumps pimple my flesh. When will the madness end?

Finally, my rocking slows and the trembling eases. Blinking several times I slowly regain conscious thought. Trickles of fear and apprehension still linger, taunting and uncertain. I can’t handle the raw emotion, the hateful anger, the burning sorrows. I feel their pain and carry it like my own. I’m terrified they’ll hurt each other, themselves or me. How do I face that raging fury? The snide remarks? The cold, empty looks? How do I face my own surging anger? When I want to beat that look off their face?

Burying it deep, I don’t let it out. Push it down until it stifles in the pit of my bowels. It causes me so much agony. The lid barely stays on. Sometimes I wonder what it’ll take to blow it wide open. I’m afraid of the violence, the unbearable urge to fight for all I’m worth. I barely control the burning anger. Instead, I always stuff it, always take it in, grin and bear it. How long can I do that?

God, it hurts….it’s making me sick…I’m becoming senseless and lost. I tremble at even the thought of anger….of hate…of rage….of hurt. My stomach is always churning….doing a violent dance. Fluttering with anxiety and tension. Food loses all appeal….I’m not hungry…I’ll eat only to stuff the pain.

God, help me!

I’m out of control and don’t know how to save myself.

People look at me like I have three heads. I cringe and panic at their hate, not at me, but their past. It tears me up inside…angry at their stupid, careless parents. Angry at them for following these paths. Angry at myself for being angry. Scared that I’m too much like them…just holding it in. They let their anger out…what happens if I do the same? Will they lock me up? Send me away? Will I hurt others the way they do? Will I hurt myself? I cower at their feet…I can’t let them see. It’ll weaken me. Make them too strong and they’ll overtake me.

God, save me…heal me…I can’t go on like this anymore.

Author's Note

This came out of actually experiencing anxiety attacks for the first time. I was working as a group home parent for six delinquent teenage girls. It was like being a prison warden with immense amounts of stress - being afraid that someone was going to be killed by another, fights, arguments, drug/alcohol testing, pee cups, feces spreading on walls, locking up utensils, and on and on and on until I couldn't take it anymore.

Reviews

[Chris]

If I say 'anything' - how will it be taken? and how will I take it? Am I/you anxious toward uncertainty? Parts I liked - for the reality... parts I didn't like as much - again for the reality. Will I read another of your? - yes.

As authors, we have the ability to 'own' our efforts. We can hide or share at will... Ownership requires we work at ourselves NOT that we graciously accept others' opinions of 'anything'.

The above being said... "it was NOT a nice 'anxiety' attack... and hence - I appreciated the "seeming" dysfunctions."

Take care,
Chris