Time Will Heal

After Sara gets her heart broken, she swears off love altogether, but someone surprising may make her change her mind.

One

Sunday mornings were made for lazy days, the sounds of soft pitter patter of rain against the fogged up windows, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the hard body pressed against my back, the feel of warm breath against my neck, fingers entwined and held close even in the depth of sleep. 

"Good morning."

The deep voice, the same two words were said every morning, the same feeling of warmth and the comfort that made people loathe to leave the bed. How quickly it could shatter, like glass breaking into a thousand pieces, scattering in every direction and raining on soft skin like thousands of tiny bite marks. My hand reached out, no longer able to feel the same hard body and soft skin, but now hitting the cold sheets no longer warmed by another. 

No voice was in my ear to wake me up, at least no voice except my own, the very voice I tried so hard to ignore. 

He left you for a reason.

He deserves better than you. 

He'll be happier without you.

You deserve this.

No voice was more cruel than your own in your head, taunting you, reminding you of lack of self worth, lack of lovable qualities. It was rather hard to ignore when it was all true. My Sunday mornings had ended abruptly a month ago, they were no longer warm, no longer filled with the soft kisses and the murmurs of I love yous in the sacred bed you had shared. They were now cold, lifeless and full of the despair and regret.

They say that time heals all wounds, I wasn't sure if I agreed with it or not. After a month of crying, a month of wondering why, a month of asking myself the same questions and never getting any answers, it wasn't any easier, if anything, it felt worse. The pain was harder to take and even though I managed to hide the sadness from my closest friends, I couldn't lie to myself. It hit me when I was alone, the thoughts taking over until I was curled into a ball, desperately trying to keep breathing through the onslaught of pain that wracked my frail body. 

I would hide under my covers, silently pleading for help, for someone to come and just stop the pain. 

Still, I rose from my bed everyday to attend my university classes, still smiling and ignoring the stares of the sad onlookers who knew exactly what had happened. The power couple people were jealous of were no longer together, he had left her, but no one actually knew why and they even doubted if she knew it. I did, of course I did.

People were cruel, they could believe what they wanted to believe, could whisper whatever rumour they wanted to spread and laugh at the plight of the happy girl who was now unbelievably broken. 

"Are you okay?"

The same question always asked by my kind best friend, his warm chocolate eyes holding so much concern it was hard not to jump into his arms and cry. 

"I'm fine." I'd say with a smile.

After a while, he believed the lie, or maybe he just stopped asking for he knew I'd never tell the truth. 

I was so sick of the sadness, so sick of the pain and the tears that never ceased. I should be holding my head up high, walking proudly because I was surviving, still walking instead of crawling, still breathing instead of choking, still smiling instead of crying. 

It was all a lie, so I buried myself in work, taking extra classes that I really had no reason to take, my time being taken up so much that I barely had time to sleep, but that was good. Sleep wasn't an escape, with sleep he came again, his brown hair that was soft to the touch, his wide grin that had made me fall for him in the first place, his laugh, his touch, his kiss, his voice, his everything. 

The dreams made it worse, made it feel like he was still with me, when in reality, he was gone and I would never see him again. He left as quickly as the breeze, stroking over my skin to leave me shivering in his wake, becoming nothing but a sad memory that I wanted to forget. Every step I took was heavy, only getting heavier and I wondered how long it would be before I tripped and wasn't able to get back up. See me smile, see me laugh, that's just on the surface. Dig a little deeper and you'd see, the real me, the broken me, the sad me who just wanted life to get back to some semblance of normality. 

It never would. At least, that's how I felt at the time. 

Two

It's funny how much your life can change in just a short amount of time. I used to be the girl everyone wanted to be like, whom everyone wanted to befriend, whom everyone was jealous of, for she was perfect. A happy girl, many friends, a boyfriend who was a walking model, turning heads wherever he went, a family who loved her, all in all, a good life, a great life.

Fast forward one month, four weeks and everything had changed. I was no longer popular, but now a loner, only having one true good friend who would never leave my side. All friends had stopped calling, stopped texting like it had been me to make him leave, if only they knew. I was no longer happy, no longer had the perfect life or the perfect relationship, it was all gone. 

It almost felt like a distant memory of a past life and I no longer recognised myself in the mirror. The raven hair that used to cascade in soft waves, never really needing any specific attention was now dull and lifeless, falling from my thin frame, my skin pale instead of glowing, my lips sore and red from constantly being bitten.

The eyes people used to compliment no longer sparkled with warmth, with love, with curiosity, now it was just pain and sadness shining in the hazel orbs, so broken if you looked close enough, you'd probably see the cracks within them. 

People avoided me, afraid to touch me in case I would crumble and they weren't wrong. A strong gust of wind would be able to knock me over, but I never let it show. I was never a girl who was okay with looking weak. With my tiny height, people often thought that was the case, laughing and pushing at me, not thinking this short girl with a cute face would put up a fight. They soon learnt they were wrong.

I was tiny, yes, but I was a warrior, for I had been raised that way. With a mother like mine, strong willed and independent, I was raised to never fear anyone, to never back down from bullies or any kind of fear.

It had lead me well and I was proud to admit there was only one thing that ever made me scared; myself. I knew myself, at least, I thought I did. That was back when I had everything, but now that it was all gone, I questioned it all and the fears and insecurities I had used to feel came back with a vengeance. 

Everyone sees something different when they look in the mirror, a skinny girl may see fat on her body, a beautiful face could be ugly, it all depended on the person. My problem wasn't what was on the outside, but the inside. 

A kind heart who cared far too deeply about a world that crushed anyone remotely different. It was hard and over time, I had learnt to hide who I was, hide my true feelings for fear of being too different, of being the outcast and now, I was that outcast,without even having lifted a finger or said a word. 

Ostracised in a heartbeat, shunted from society and left teetering on the edge, neglected and forgotten. I acted the same as I had always done, pretending that nothing bothered me or could pierce the wall surrounding me. The wall was full of so many chips, so many holes after taking far too many hits. It wouldn't last much longer and all it took was one moment to make me realise it, or rather, one person.

A single boy who lived purely to make my life a living hell. A smart male but one who hid away, staying silent in a sea of people who never stopped conversing. Even with his quiet disposition, he was loved dearly, every girl wanted him, every male wanted to befriend him. 

Why we didn't get along was anyone's guess, but something about the male with the dark eyes and black hair falling over his face just got my blood boiling before he even said a word. It was worse when he opened his mouth, a string of curses and insults letting loose in the deep voice. 

I gave as good as I got, our fights practically legendary by now. Everyone knew we hated each other and it was just my luck that he was friends with the man I tried not to think about, so I saw him often. Although, now we were broken up, I didn't see him as often, which was the only blessing I'd received.

So, when he started appearing more often in my life, I could only scowl at him and wish for him to disappear. 

"Sara!" 

Sighing, I turned around reluctantly, knowing that deep voice anywhere and sure enough, the source of my sigh was walking right towards me. 

"Jacob, to what to do I owe the displeasure?" 

He laughs as he stops in front of me. He'd changed in the few weeks I hadn't seen him, his black hair was longer, almost covering the obsidian eyes but they were still sparkling dangerously. He was thinner, skin pale like he had been through just as much pain as I had. 

"How are you doing?" He asks with a smirk.

"Come on, you really don't care." I replied flatly. 

"You're right." Jacob nods. "I was hoping you'd tell me how broken you are and I could feel better about the fact you made my best friend move abroad." 

"Actually, he moved abroad before we even broke up." I bit out. 

"I love how pedantic you are." He grins. 

"Is there something you actually wanted or did you just want to be a dick?" 

"Tommy asked me to invite you to the party tomorrow." 

"What party?" I frowned.

"Jen's birthday." He clarifies.

Sighing, I couldn't imagine anything worse than going to Jen's birthday celebrations. It wasn't like Jen was a bad person in herself, but she was just so loved up it was sickening to watch and I didn't fancy spending the evening trying not to look at the couple in love, not when my own love story had blown up in my face. 

"I can't." 

"Why?" Jacob asked. 

I open my mouth to reply but nothing comes out and Jacob smirks knowingly. 

"Oh, you're jealous right?" He chuckles. "She is still in love, while you got tossed to the side."

"You are such an a*****e." I say through gritted teeth.

"Don't forget it baby." He winks as he backs up. "See you tomorrow."

"What? No, you won't." I shout after his retreating figure.

"Sure." His voice carries on the wind, making me shiver, but not for any good reason.

Why did he always have to be so annoying? I make my way to my class, already knowing I wouldn't be paying attention. Like it usually did, my mind landed on my ex boyfriend, images of our time together flashing through my head. 

There were stages of a relationship that you would always remember. The first kiss; ours was perfect, under a bed of sparkling stars that were twinkling in approval. The first time; another perfect night for us, full of love and passion, rather than the awkwardness I had expected. The first I love you; the deep voice in my ear had caught me off guard and I had dropped my milkshake all over myself, but still, he had said it again and again, until I had literally jumped on him and placed kisses over his face, whispering it back.

After that, he had said it so often, I would always blush and tell him to stop, but he would do it anyway, the soft smile making me melt, the cool touch of the slim fingers trailing over my skin like he was drawing patterns. 

I often thought I'd wake up with marks over me, the best kind of marks, from fingernails and teeth, but I never did. He chose to mark me another way, with his words. Such kindness and love in every word he spoke, something that had took me a while to get used to. I could never handle a compliment, I didn't know where to look, what to say, how to respond. It didn't matter to him, he loved to compliment me even if I stayed silent. It was just the way he was.

When did he change? Why did he change?

Was it ultimately me? It would make more sense that it had been me to push him away. A perfect specimen of a man, beautiful and strong, kind and loving. He did deserve better than me, but surely, I too had deserved better. It didn't have to end the way it did. He didn't have to hurt me so irrevocably and even as he had told me what he had done, with the tears rolling down his cheeks, it was too late.

'I'm sorry, Sara. Please forgive me.'

My heart was broken, as his was too, two broken hearts that wanted to desperately cling onto one another, but they were ripped apart before they could hang on. 

He was the lucky one, he was away from the stares of the students who had nothing better to do than gossip. He could hide until he was better, he had left me to pick up the pieces of his mistake. For the first time, it was no longer sadness I was feeling, but anger. 

He had left without a single thought for me, never even questioning how other people would react. I had kept the secret, even though I owed him nothing, but how could you admit to something so wrong? It was his mistake, but I would be the one people would look at with narrowed eyes, the accusations loud even though they were never actually voiced. 

She must've pushed him away.

He's a nice guy, he wouldn't do that without a reason.

It's her fault. 

Maybe they were right, maybe it had been my fault. Just like that, the anger dissipated, leaving sadness in its wake. The pain in my heart was back, so broken and so damaged I was surprised no one could see it. I was so tired, so tired of being sad, so tired of wondering why. I wanted answers, but I would never get them. 

Three

Parties had never been my idea of a good time. I was never the kind of girl who wanted to go to a random persons house and drink until I passed out, it just wasn't me. That had changed when I had met him, he was the popular male who liked to party, but don't think him an a*****e, for he wasn't. He would hold onto my hand the entire time, knowing the anxiety that was coursing through me. He would smile, kiss me and tell me ever so gently that he'd never leave. 

He did leave in the end. 

I hadn't been to a party in a while, not wanting to face the students who would notice straight away that he wasn't with me. This time, my best friend was at my side. The handsome male with chocolate brown hair and eyes to match, the only one in my life who had been constant. 

Without him, I'd have probably done something unbearably stupid by now. He was the voice of reason, the love that kept me afloat, the one who I had shared a lot of firsts with, including a very awkward first kiss, teenage hormones having run away with us, but afterwards we had both agreed we were only friends and we had been joined at the hip ever since. 

Liam was still a huge part of my life, we rarely went anywhere without the other, but he was loved up, so naturally, he spent a lot of time with his girlfriend, including now. They were standing at my side, touching subtly, like they didn't want to rub their happy relationship in my face and I wished they didn't, for their pity was harder to take. 

The stares bore into me, my face impassive as I tried my best to ignore them, along with the murmurs they believed I couldn't hear. 

"I feel so sorry for Liam, having to follow her around all the time." 

"I'm surprised Lily hasn't told her to f**k off yet." 

I rolled my eyes, noticing Liam and Lily both glance at me in worry, like they were waiting for me to blow. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me break, I was stronger than that, or I pretended to be at least. 

"I saw her with Jacob yesterday, I bet she's already starting on him."

That brought my head around to the two girls who were speaking in hushed tones, but basically right by my head, so I could hear every word. 

"As if Jacob would want her."

"I don't blame Danny for leaving her, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. He was way too good for her."

"Yeah, she's got no chance with Jacob." 

Gritting my teeth, I could feel the sting of tears behind my eyes, so I placed my cup of the untouched warm alcohol down on the nearest surface and turned to Liam.

He was already staring at me with warm eyes, the worry so clear in the soft orbs. "Sara,"

"It's okay Liam," I smiled thinly. "I'm just going to go."

"But-"

I ignored him, quickly leaving the party before I started balling right there in front of everyone. I never understood why people gossiped, most of it was never true anyway. Me and Jacob? Yeah right, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. 

Why was I getting blamed for Danny's mistake? No one knew what he'd done, that's why. I needed to get back to my dorm so I could cry, the tears were nearly too strong to curb and I would never give in to them in public. 

"Oi!"

Pausing mid step, I turned with a sigh to the voice I instantly recognised. Jacob was angry as he stomped over to me, eyes narrowed and basically spitting fire.

"Do you have any idea what people are saying about us?" He asks. 

"Unfortunately." I replied flatly.

"What do you plan to do about this?" 

"Eh? Just ignore them, we know it's not and will never be true." I turn away, but he grabs my arm, pulling me back.

"We have to put an end to this, my reputation is at stake." 

"What reputation?" I scoffed. "Believe me, I don't like it just as much as you don't, just ignore them."

"They think I'm the reason Danny left." He yells. 

That was surprising, did people really think I would cheat on Danny with his best friend? Anger came in waves, surprising me but I let it out, shoving Jacob away harshly. 

"F**k off." I yelled. "I'm not a cheater, I'd never do it, especially not with you."

"Oh yeah?" Jacob follows as I walk off. "Then why'd he leave huh? You have no idea how heartbroken he is."

"Is he now?" I asked, tears threatening to fall.

"What the f**k did you do?" 

Gritting my teeth, I turn to Jacob with my eyes blazing. "All I ever did was love him, he was the one who cheated on me. If you want to know why, go and ask him because I'd like to know too."

Now I'd said it aloud, it all came rushing out, the hurt, the sadness, the anger and I used Jacob's shocked silence to my advantage. 

"What did I do? I have no idea, I never gave him any reason to cheat but he did it anyway and then he left, like a coward. F**k you, I don't care what you think of me."

Jacob seems to get himself back under control as he grabs my arm again, shaking me somewhat roughly. 

"You're lying. He'd never do that." He says harshly.

The tears were falling now, the pain hard to take but the anger was winning out now and the male in front of me was not helping things.

"F**k off." I tried to shake him off, but his hold was strong. "I don't care if you don't believe me."

"You're such a b***h. I have no idea what he ever saw in you, I told him you were not for him but he did it anyway. I don't blame him for cheating on you."

My hand moved before I could even think about what I was doing, slapping him hard around the cheek, the sound echoing around the silent street. We stood frozen under the soft glow of the streetlights, both surprised at my actions. He lets me go and I fall away from him, stumbling back.

Even in the dark, I could see the red mark on his cheek and I watched in fear as his hand rose to the cheek, his eyes wide like he couldn't believe I'd just hit him. I couldn't believe it either, but the damage had already been done. 

For the first time ever, Jacob was staring at me like he was seeing me for the first time, really seeing me and his eyes were so intense it was overwhelming. I waited for the curse, the insults, maybe even to get a slap back, but no, Jacob stood still, a hand resting on his sore cheek, eyes boring into my own. 

With tears streaming down my face, I backed up. "I'm sorry." I whispered. 

His eyes widened in surprise, his mouth opening but before he could get a word out, I turned and ran, ran all the way back to the safety of my dorm. Once safe inside, I lay on my bed, sobs coming out of my mouth, my arms wrapping around my stomach like it would somehow stem the rush of pain running through me.

I hadn't meant to slap Jacob, but those words had been so cruel. Why was I the one getting punished? I didn't deserve this did I? I was a good person, I didn't deserve this pain. 

Danny was gone, leaving behind a broken shell he had disposed of. He'd forget eventually, he'd move on, but how could I move on when I didn't understand why? 

If only I could get the answers I seeked, maybe then I could begin to heal. Jacob would probably tell everyone now, they'd all know why, but it wouldn't help me any. 

I'd be pushed away even more, no one would want to be friends with the girl who slapped the most wanted guy in university.

Great, my situation was not improving. Surely, it couldn't get any worse right? Alas, it would, I just didn't know it yet.

Four

To my surprise, no one knew anything about me slapping Jacob, he hadn't told anyone and I couldn't help but wonder why. It was so him to run and shout his mouth off, just to watch me get knocked around by the girls who were practically his fan club. 

No one approached me, not a single word was said about it. Why would Jacob keep silent? I found myself walking to where Jacob hung out with his friends, the basketball court empty save for one single boy, clad in the university colours as he ran up and down the court, scoring points like he'd been doing it all his life. 

I took a moment to simply watch him, trying to see what the others saw in him that I didn't. The black hair was shining under the bright lights, looking soft and silky to touch, obsidian eyes were glinting with determination, pink lips pouted whenever he'd miss a shot. His skin was pale, like he'd never seen the sunlight, a sheen of sweat almost making him shine. 

As he jumped for a shot, it was like time stood still and I finally saw what the others saw. Jacob was handsome, at least he was when he wasn't yelling curses at me. As he landed back on the floor with a bang, he turned and spotted me, eyes immediately narrowing.

"What the hell do you want?" He spat harshly.

Gulping down my nervous energy, I walked closer to where he sat, standing awkwardly at his side.

"I wanted to apologise again for the other night." I said meekly.

He looks up through his long hair, glaring. "I don't care."

"But-"

"Are you deaf?" He interrupts. "I don't give a s**t, f**k off."

Huffing, I turn away but pause when I get a thought. "Why didn't you tell people?"

With the silence, I turned back to him and saw he was staring at the basketball in his hands. He almost looked sad, but surely it couldn't have been for me. He suddenly stands up, staring at me with a look in his eyes that I'd never seen before and a look that I could not place.

"I spoke to Danny last night." He murmurs. "I asked him."

I bit my lip, figuring that maybe Danny had lied to save face in front of his best friend and Jacob was about to chew me up and spit me out. Jacob's stare softened as he looked over me. 

"I'm sorry," He says gently. "I never thought he'd ever do that."

I was surprised, more than surprised, not just by Danny telling the truth, but by Jacob's soft apology, almost as if he knew exactly what pain I had been going through. Looking into his eyes, I could finally read them now that they weren't blazing in anger. He was in pain too, the same kind of pain I was in and I suddenly remembered his own girlfriend who was no longer around anymore. 

Jacob had spread the news that he had broken up with her for being too clingy, but maybe that had been a lie to save himself from looking weak. Maybe he was going through exactly the same thing I was, why else would he be so sorry?

Like he could see me reading him, he stands up straighter, obsidian eyes hardening. "Don't look at me like that," He scoffs as he turns away. "You're still a b***h."

Sighing, I watched him walk away and go straight back to practising, ignoring me. 

Okay, so Jacob may be handsome but he was still a jerk. As I walked through the silent campus, I was still surprised that Danny had told the truth, especially to his best friend and I also wondered if he had told him the reason why, for then maybe Jacob could tell me, not that Jacob would ever talk to me willingly.

"Sara!"

Pausing mid step, I turn around to see Liam running towards me, a huge smile on his pretty face. "What's up?"

"I've been looking for you, want to get lunch?" 

With a smile on my face, I stare at my best friend since childhood, remembering every moment together. He had moved in across the street from me when he was eight and he had approached the somewhat lonely girl with a tentative smile and smudged cheeks. An hour later, he had not stopped talking and finally, when he had asked for my name with a blush, I thought then that he was going to be my love story. 

A year older than me, kind of like a big brother, but as we grew, I stopped thinking of him in a brotherly way. It was the small things, the way he would treat me so gently, preciously like a jewel, the way he would kiss away any bruise or scratch on my skin, the way he would smile, the way he would say my name and the way he would run towards me, just like now.

At a high school party, the hormones in us had been raising and I had kissed him first, expecting us to finally get together, but even though the kiss was indeed special, it wasn't what a kiss was supposed to feel like.

There was no spark, no butterflies in my stomach that made me dizzy. He had agreed with me and we had never spoken of it since. Sometimes I wondered if being with Liam would have been the easier and logical choice to end up with, rather than with the losers I had previously dated, until Danny had came along. A first love that had ended so harshly. 

Liam was probably perfect for me in every way, but he was no more than a best friend, a best friend I loved dearly, but a best friend none the less. 

"Earth to Sara?" He waves his hand in front of my face, cutting off my thoughts. "Are you with me?"

"Sorry." I blushed. "Let's go." 

As we walked side by side, I wondered what would've happened if I had told Liam of my crush long ago? He'd have probably laughed and smacked me around the head for being stupid. With a smile, I was content knowing that he was still in my life, my best friend and my sole companion, always sticking with me through thick and thin, no matter what. 

Five

There comes a time in your life when you feel the need to take a step back and just say 'enough is enough'. Enough of the tears, enough of the pain, enough of the anger, enough of the stares and murmurs of voices just too much to bare. No longer would I run away and hide, no longer would I bow under the pressure of others. I would hold my head up high, proud to be me, proud of all my flaws and mistakes. 

True, that was easier said than done, but once I fixed myself firmly to that mindset, it was actually rather easy. I would smile more, laugh more, join in on conversations, be sociable. It was tiring, but it was working, I was getting better. 

Considering my sudden lack of friends, I spent a lot of time in the university library, in silent solitude at the back where no students usually walked, books surrounding me and my headphones fixed firmly over my ears. It was a nice slowed down pace, far away from the bustling of students and teachers all rushing around. 

I'd sit for hours, sometimes reading, sometimes studying, other times just sitting still, my eyes closed and head leant back, letting the music drown out all thoughts. I was content with my solitude, for it was kinder, quieter and it helped me to simply breathe, all worries being released, at least for a little while.

It had been a particularly rough morning, my dreams of my previous life keeping the tears flowing well into the night. I'd avoided contact with anyone today, Liam included, needing to be alone to get back under control.

I thought my day was about to get worse when Jacob appeared in my den of seclusion. He stood over me, frowning down at my perch on the floor. Taking one earphone out, I wait for him to say something, probably a sarcastic remark how only losers hung out in the library. To my surprise, he said nothing.

With a heavy sigh, he slid down the wall and sat cross legged opposite me, our feet just barely touching. He pulls a book out, starting to read silently. I regarded him with a frown, wondering why he was suddenly sitting by me. Jacob and I hadn't spoken since the day in the basketball courts and I hadn't really seen him around campus. On the times I had, he had sent me a flat look, but always remained silent. I wondered if it was just pity after finding out what his best friend had done. That couldn't be right though, Jacob wasn't a nice guy, he was a jerk. 

He began to show up at the library almost everyday, sitting in the same place, either reading or studying and sometimes sleeping. After a while, it was easy to forget he was there, as he never spoke a word and I found myself enjoying the silent company. It was never a place I could have seen myself in, but Jacob's presence was welcome.

As I was reading over my notes, I could feel Jacob's eyes on me and it was making me slightly uncomfortable.

"He's coming back soon." He says suddenly in a low voice.

"What?" I brought my head up.

"Danny, he's coming back soon." He repeats.

That was news to me, Danny did still message me, asking me how I was, if I was enjoying classes, I'd never sent a response, for the simple reason I didn't want to get dragged in with him again. 

"When?" I asked meekly.

"I don't know," Jacob shrugs. "but soon."

"I thought he was going to be in New York until Christmas." I murmured, eyes landing on the floor. 

"He's coming home early."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" Jacob frowned. "I know how sorry he is, he wants you back."

I didn't know how sorry he was, the messages never spoke of what happened between us, like he was too afraid to even bring it up. He wanted me back? I didn't think of that ever happening and I wasn't sure if I could even begin to forgive him. 

"Will you forgive him?" Jacob asks, as if he just read my mind. 

Sighing, I lock eyes with Jacob, gaining strength from the obsidian orbs. "Have you forgiven her?" I asked.

There was no question to whom the her was, who I was referring to. He continues to stare at me, the smallest amount of pain flickering his eyes. "No." He replies flatly. "But me and her weren't as close as you two were. We were only together for a few months."

"Doesn't matter." I reply fiercely. "There is never a reason to cheat, ever."

"Wow, here I thought you hated me." He smirked.

"Shut up." I glared. "You're a jerk, but not even you deserve that." 

"Yeah and you're a b***h." He snaps. "But you didn't either." He adds lowly. 

"Why am I b***h?" I asked with a laugh. "Because I'm the only girl who isn't afraid to answer you back, or because I'm the only girl who doesn't want to sleep with you? What, ego can't handle it?" 

"That right there is why you're a b***h." He leans forward, pointing a finger in my face. "You and your smart a*s comments that make me want to pour hot coffee in your lap."

"Ouch." I placed a hand over my heart. "That really hurts me."

"B***h." He leans back, the corners of his lips twitching in a smirk. 

In that small flicker of a smile, Jacob tells me more about who he is than he ever could with words, he wasn't all bad, there was a part of him whom I could probably learn to tolerate, maybe even become friends with. People who share the same experiences, especially the same kind of pain, always ended up becoming closer, because they could understand what it really felt like and how hard it was to get over it. 

Jacob and I would never become best friends, or anything more, but maybe we could be each others strength when they needed it the most. After all, we all need a shoulder to lean on at some point or another.

Six

Something was changing. Jacob now began to speak, sometimes only a sentence or two, but still, it was something. Our arguments continued, but now they were no longer harsh and they ended with laughter instead of annoyance. Liam would often ask me why I was suddenly smiling without faking it, but what could I tell my best friend? He wouldn't understand why Jacob was suddenly a big part of my life.

He now made me happier, for the few hours a day we would spend together, I now looked forward to it and I'd like to think that he did too, for he never missed one day. The dread at seeing Danny come back was pushed to the back of my mind whenever I was around him, Jacob taking up every thought. I'd have never thought we would be something akin to friends, not with how much I used to hate him, but here I was, smiling at him, laughing at his insults instead of getting annoyed, looking forward to being in his company.

Jacob began to show himself, his real self, the true self that he probably kept hidden. For instance, he was a talented musician, having played the piano from a young age, but of course he refused to play for me. He was also an only child with a single mother, which couldn't have been easy for either of them.

Whenever Jacob spoke about his mother, I could see the love in his obsidian eyes, he doted on the woman who had given him everything and after I had found out the reason his father had left, it was easy to understand why Jacob hated cheating. 

I often found myself staring at him in the moments of silence, tracing every physical feature that I had never noticed before, such as the small mole on the tip of his nose and above his eyebrow, the slight scar under his left eye, the spattering of freckles over his nose and cheeks, barely visible on the pale skin. 

Jacob was indeed handsome but my favourite thing about him was his eyes. The dark obsidian orbs that sparkled with humour, pain hidden in the depths that he rarely showed until he couldn't hide it anymore. They would darken when angered, swirling with storm clouds that could make grown men tremble in fear. Instead of fear, I was intrigued and I found myself staring into his eyes more and more, with him sometimes looking back and in those single moments of brief eye contact, I could read him, I could see him, I could feel him and rather than running away from him, I wanted to run towards him and see if he would catch me. 

I wouldn't have called it a crush, but I was simply stricken with him, wanting to know more and it was never enough. I wanted to know every fear, every dream, every wish, every thought he had ever had. 

I never tired of hearing him speak, the deep voice that was so gruff it was like he was too tired to form actual words. I could almost feel the vibrations every time he spoke, my body shivering when he would pout his lips and a slight growl slipping out as he twisted his words. 

If he minded me staring at him, he never said anything and just once I wanted him to look back, really look at me and notice everything about me that I was noticing about him. I wondered how he saw me now, did he still think of me as the b***h ex girlfriend of his best friend? 

With him sitting opposite me like this, it was easy to believe that we were friends, even if we didn't speak a word, we didn't have to, the silence spoke in volumes in itself.

"The game is tomorrow." He says suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. 

"Game?" I frowned, blushing as I realised how hard I'd been staring at him.

"The basketball game." He clarifies with a smile, his eyes locking with mine.

"Oh, right." I nodded. "Good luck."

"Will you come?" He asked lowly.

His eyes were locked on mine and this time, I could see the slight reddening of his ears that showed he was blushing. His eyes were so intense, almost burning me, but even with the burn, I never wanted him to look away.

"Do you want me to?" I asked nervously, expecting an insult, maybe a scoff or a laugh to show he had been joking the whole time and I had fell right for it.

Surprisingly, Jacob stayed silent, his eyes still so intense as they stared right into mine. He nodded once, never looking away and I had never felt such a strong pull before. The urge to throw myself into his arms was strong, the feeling of wanting to drown in his eyes almost overwhelming and I wouldn't mind dying that way, for it felt peaceful.

At my nod of consent, he went back to his notes, with me releasing the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. 

Things were definitely changing and I didn't know how I felt about it. Could I fall into someone else, someone so close to the other? Things were changing and getting more complicated. Was it just the fact that I was broken, so I wanted to feel wanted, to feel loved and I was projecting that onto Jacob?

I didn't want to end up reading things wrong. There was nothing between Jacob and I and there never would be. 

Seven

I hadn't been to a school event for a long time, I had forgotten how loud and busy it was. Students crammed into the small gymnasium, squashed shoulder to shoulder to watch the players of the university basketball team. The boys were running drills on the court, shouting to each other over the steadying chatter of the students. 

I was squashed between Liam and another of his friends, who I didn't remember the name of. When I had showed up, Liam had been surprised, but he had believed my lie of wanting to get out of my dorm. I couldn't exactly tell him I was here for Jacob, he'd most likely yell at me for being stupid. 

My eyes searched for Jacob among the boys running around and I spotted him almost immediately. His black hair was pushed out of his eyes with a red headband, the colour matching the jersey and shorts. He looked good. 

As the whistle blew and play began, my eyes followed his every move and over time, I found myself cheering for him, in my head only of course but still, I was calling his name, willing him to win. Every time he scored a point, he would turn and look over the crowd, his eyes connecting with my own, like he had been searching me out. I would smile at his smile, both of us lost in our moment for a brief moment. 

I watched him run up and down the court, his pale skin glistening with sweat, a smile on his face as he shouted to his teammates. In this moment, he was in his element, strong and proud and yes, beautiful. I found myself never wanting it to end, for this Jacob I could stare at all day. 

As the buzzer sounded, signalling the end of the game with Jacob's team victorious, I couldn't help my enthusiasm. I stood up, surprising Liam as I shouted Jacob's name, cheering loudly. As he turned to look at me, his face was lit up brightly with a smile, so happy as I cheered for him.

The players celebrated on the court as the audience began to disperse. I loitered behind as Liam left with Lily, wanting to congratulate Jacob. I paused on the sidelines as two girls stepped in front of me. I didn't recognise either of them, but I could tell they were pissed. 

"What's your game?" The blonde spat harshly.

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"What? Breaking up with Danny wasn't enough for you, now you're after his best friend?"

"He'll never be interested in you." The dark haired one all but growled.

"I'm not into Jacob." I told them flatly.

"Sure, get it through your head b***h, you're trash, that's why Danny left." 

I didn't know these girls and they were talking complete bullshit, but still, there words hit me hard and I could feel myself tearing up. Forgetting about congratulating Jacob, I turned and ran, hearing their laugh echoing behind me. I pushed grumbling students out of my way, blindly running to the only place I felt any remote sense of peace.

The library was empty, completely devoid of all human life, including the staff. I ran to my spot, sliding down the wall and letting the tears fall. It hurt, all of it hurt so badly and I just wanted it to end. 

For the first time, I felt totally empty, so numb that I didn't, or couldn't, feel anything, not even the tears as they fell. I was so tired, so tired with being hurt, so tired of being blamed, so tired of crying. This wasn't supposed to last forever, so why couldn't I just be better now? 

Those girls were right, I was trash and according to everyone else, Danny had done the right thing in leaving. 

"Thought I'd find you here." 

I looked up at the voice I recognised, wiping the tears quickly. "What are you doing here? You should be celebrating with your teammates." 

Jacob sighs as he walks over to me and sits in front of me, our knees touching. "I saw you run out of the gym and those girls were grinning like they'd just won the trophy, so I figured they'd hurt your feelings." He shrugs. 

"And what, now you want to sit there and smile while you watch me fall apart?" I asked harshly. 

Jacob's expression remained stoic as he looked back at me, shaking his head. "What happened to just ignore them?" He asks in a low voice.

"Don't throw my words back in my face." I snapped. "You have no idea what it's like to be on the other end of those comments. I never did anything wrong, but they all think I'm the reason Danny left."

Why was I even saying this to him? Jacob didn't care about me or my feelings, he had never done and that wasn't about to change. 

"Sara-"

"It's not like you even care." I whispered. "I'm a b***h, right?"

My stare was locked onto my shoes and I could feel Jacob staring at me. I was waiting for the curse, an insult, maybe a laugh or for him to simply stand up and walk away, so I was surprised when I felt a hand under my chin, lifting my head up gently. I gasped at how close he suddenly was, so close I could count every freckle and I could see the green flecks in his beautiful eyes. 

"You are a b***h." He nods, voice low. 

It wasn't said with any venom or mirth, just a simple statement in a soft voice that made me tremble. Jacob kept staring at me, our eyes locked and feeling more intimate than it probably should have. He leans in slowly and I wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but my mind went completely blank when his lips began to press on mine in a tentative kiss. 

The contact was light, a barely there touch, feather soft, but oh, it was so warm and it had been so long since I had felt anything like it. I felt wanted, there was no love involved, but it didn't matter. Just the feeling of being wanted, even by Jacob, was something new and thrilling and I wanted it, badly.

He pulls back, lust shining his eyes, but there was also a flicker of fear. This wasn't just new to me, it was new to him too and it scared him, so at least I wasn't the only one who felt fear.

His gulp sounded loud in my ear as he scoots a little closer, both hands rising to cup my cheeks as he places his lips back on mine. I should've pushed him away, should've told him no, should've scolded myself for being so stupid, it was a bad idea and nothing good could have possibly come from it, but I let it happen anyway.

The kiss was like fire, twirling around my body and I knew it would leave scars that I would carry around forever. His hands were cold as they stroked over my skin, the delicate fingers so soft and loving, I had been close to shedding tears. I could feel his shaky breath hitting my face, so I knew I wasn't the only one who was nervous. 

It was wrong, so wrong, but my God, it had felt so right. 

Eight

"You did what?!" 

Maybe telling Liam about my kiss with Jacob was the wrong thing to do, but I had to tell someone. Liam definitely did not approve, as evident by his rant for the past thirty minutes and his pacing up and down in front of my bed.

As Liam kept talking, I thought back to my kiss with Jacob almost a week ago. The kiss itself was passionate, full of pent up frustration that we had both just given in to. After my initial shock was over (and my initial guilt), I had fell into him, allowing myself to get swept away in the soft press of lips that I knew I'd be craving more of. 

Afterwards, when we were both a little sweaty and out of breath, Jacob had backed up from me, looking shocked and I knew it was probably harder for him to justify it than it was for me. Danny was his best friend and he had been my boyfriend for two years, it wasn't an easy thing to do to kiss your best friend's ex girl.

Judging by the sadness in his eyes when he had ran away from me (literally), he had needed that kiss just as much as I did, maybe even more so, but he still couldn't get over the fact that it was me he had chosen. 

I hadn't seen Jacob since and we both probably regretted it, but I still couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. Everything I had expected was not true, he wasn't rough and overpowering, he was gentle and soft, almost like he had been afraid to press too hard should I shatter underneath him. He hadn't pushed me, his hands had remained on my cheeks, never moving to another part like any other male would have done, he was respectful and didn't expect anything from me. 

It wasn't how I had expected him to be and even though it had confused me, it had made me want him more. The feeling of being touched ever so gently was overwhelming and I had whimpered into his mouth, wanting more, more, more. 

My tears had dried on my cheeks, now replaced with heat as I blushed and tried my best to get closer to him. The spell had broken when we had heard the cheers of the basketball team and the fans as they had walked past the library. Jacob had pulled away so fast like he had been shot with a jolt of electricity. He had panicked, staring at me in shock as he backed up and ran, leaving me with jelly legs and a racing heart. 

He hadn't shown up at the library since and I missed him.

"Are you even listening?" Liam cut through my reverie. 

I stared up at my best friend, reading the angry and somewhat hurt expression on his face. "Eh?"

"You kissed Jaocb." He exclaimed. "The guy you've hated for the past four years."

"Liam-"

"The guy who threw a bucket of dirty water over you in first year." He continues.

Well, that water had been aimed at someone else and it had hit me, which had resulted in Jacob and I hating each other.

"The guy who broke your arm." 

"That was an accident." I replied.

"He pushed you down the stairs." Liam gives me a dry look.

"An accident." I shrugged.

I think it had been an accident. We had been arguing at the top of the stairs and as I had shoved him, he had shoved me back. He didn't mean to push me down the stairs, I had simply lost my balance and fell, landing in a painful heap at the bottom. That was how I had met Danny, he had knelt at my side, shouting up at Jacob and had even ridden in the ambulance with me.

Jacob hadn't apologised for that, but I hadn't wanted him to, for he was the reason I had met my first love. 

"Are you seriously okay with this?" Liam asks me with a frown. "It's Jacob."

"Liam, it was just a kiss." I sighed.

"With Jacob."

"Okay, will you stop with the theatrics." I held a hand up. "It was one kiss and honestly, it was a nice kiss."

"You're shitting me." He says flatly.

"Look, I can't explain it, but it was so nice to feel wanted, to feel a real kiss again." I shrugged. "I know it was with Jacob, but I won't apologise for it."

"So, is it going to happen again? How do you know he won't come searching for more now?"

"He's not like that." I snapped.

"Are you actually defending him?" Liam frowned. "What happened to the Sara who used to call him the Antichrist?" 

"He's not all bad." I mumbled.

"Oh my God, you've lost your mind." Liam begins to pace again. "Seriously, you have gone crazy from a broken heart."

I tuned him out again, biting my lip. Maybe it had been a mistake, but I just couldn't bring myself to really regret it, for I had enjoyed it and he had definitely enjoyed it too, at least at the time he had.

Liam wouldn't understand, he had never had his heart broken. He had been with Lily for almost two years now, having gotten with her just after I had began dating Danny. She was his first love and luckily for him, he was hers too. They were a perfect couple who would probably end up being together forever, like I had thought of me and Danny. 

Jacob wasn't going to turn into a love story, it wasn't like that with us, but if we could gain some comfort from each other, what was so wrong in that?

No one would have to know, so no one would get hurt, except for maybe the both of us. I wasn't sure if I could wake up next to someone who wasn't Danny, the space on my bed had been occupied by only him and to have him replaced would make it seem too real, he was really gone and never coming back.

Of course, he was coming back at some point, but I didn't know when, not even Jacob knew when. Knowing Danny, he would show up when we least expected it, for that's how he had always been. He was always doing things so spontaneously, showing up at my dorm at midnight for a picnic, picking me up from class with a smile and a plan to go on a long drive, surprising me with flowers for no reason at all.

Thinking of Danny always brought me joy and sadness, joy for the cherished memories we had together but sadness that it was all over and it would only ever be a memory now. 

I wondered if Danny ever thought of me, even while he was across the world. I wasn't so vain to believe that he did.

Danny and Jacob appeared in my mind side by side and it was easy to see their differences, not just in appearance, but in personality. Danny was softer, a mind that was always thinking deeply about the world and its mysteries, his appearance softer too, sun kissed skin, light brown hair and warm eyes that always sparkled.

Jacob was more rough around the edges, all curses and insults, his obsidian eyes obscured to hide his real feelings, his pale skin and dark hair such a contrast, making him look almost mysterious and exotic. 

They were both handsome, both so different from the other. Opposites did attract, which is why they were best friends in the first place. Danny had been a breath of fresh air, bringing my shy and anxiety ridden self out of hiding to release a girl who was happy and kind.

Jacob was more like me, which is why it was easier to be myself and was probably the reason why we argued. I was just as blunt and harsh as he was, wanting to hide away my feelings instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve where it could get damaged. If I really thought about it, Jacob was the kind of guy I should've been with, someone real instead of a dream, like Danny had been. 

The more I thought about it, the less likely I could refute the idea and with that thought, I knew then that if Jacob did in fact seek me out for something hidden and something dark, I wouldn't refuse.

Nine

The silence of the library was too much to take, the tick-tock of the clock too loud and obnoxious. 

We need to talk. 

Four words that could make anyone's blood run cold. It had been midnight I had received the message, the loud beep of my phone interrupting my deep sleep. The simple curiosity of wanting to know who was texting me that late had won out over the fatigue and I had rolled over, picking up my bright phone and staring blearily at the screen. 

I was surprised upon seeing Danny's name, those four words lit up brightly like a neon sign underneath. There was no more to the message, no reason why or when he would like to have the conversation. It was the first time I had ever replied back, a simple 'okay' that probably sounded way too harsh over text message.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Again, no explanation, nor a time given. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Danny was angry about something and anxiety spiked through me as I thought of Jacob. Did he admit to him what we had done? Danny was probably confused as to why and also angry that it had been with his best friend.

Sighing, I leant my head back against the wall, my eyes closing but nothing could stop the racing thoughts of my mind. If Jacob had indeed told Danny, he could've warned me about it instead of me being oblivious, at least then I could've prepared what I was going to say. 

What could I say? I'm sorry I kissed your best friend, but I liked it? That was so lame even to my ears. 

"You used to tell me off for sleeping here."

I jumped at the sudden deep voice, my eyes flying open to land on a smirking Jacob as he stood over me. "You frightened me." I scolded.

He laughs as he sits opposite me, raising an eyebrow. "I had a very angry Liam come and see me today."

S**t, I had completely forgotten all about telling Liam what I had done.

"He really doesn't like me." Jacob muses. 

"Sorry." I mumbled. "Are you mad that I told him?"

"No." He shakes his head. "He's your best friend, I figured you'd tell him. Didn't think he'd come and yell at me though, it was rather amusing." 

Biting my lip, my head was asking the question I wanted to voice, but I was a little afraid of the answer.

"What?" He frowns. "You look like you have something to say."

Taking a deep breath, I stare into his eyes and gather the strength to speak. "Did you tell Danny?" I asked in a low voice.

"No, I haven't spoken to him since he told me he was coming home." He shrugs. "Why?"

I fall back against the wall, wondering what Danny could be pissed about then. Jacob scoots closer, tilting his head to the side. 

"What?" He asks in concern.

"I had a message from him last night," I admitted. "He said we needed to talk and I thought maybe you'd have told him."

"No." Jacob says softly. "I haven't and I don't plan to." 

I nodded and looked down at the floor, breaking the eye contact. Jacob's hand lands on my thigh, so softly it was almost like he was afraid to touch me, but the slight contact still burnt. 

"I'm sorry I haven't been around lately." He murmurs quietly. "I needed some time to think about things."

That brought my head back up, my cheeks flaming in a blush. "What did you think about?"

Jacob sighed shakily, his eyes hardening. "You." 

His voice was barely even a whisper, but I felt them hit me like a ton of bricks. With eyes locked, I could see the fear, but I could also see something else, something akin to a flicker of feelings within the depths, a tiny fleck of dust floating within the breeze, just waiting to be caught. 

I was scared too, I was scared of him, of myself, of the feelings he was awakening in me, of getting my heart broken again when it wasn't exactly healed in the first place. Time stood still as he leant forward, his one hand still on my thigh and the other rising to stroke across my cheek. 

It was only the second time, but still his gentleness was surprising, his lips were soft, moulding against my own like they had been made to kiss me. Within a minute, I was chasing his lips, wanting more and he didn't disappoint. 

I could've spent forever kissing him, but my phone ringing interrupted us. He pulls back with a growl, glaring down at my phone that was resting on the floor next to my foot. I could clearly read the name that was lit up, including the little heart emoji that was still following it. I really needed to change that.

Jacob picks up the phone, staring at it for a moment before he looks back at me. I bit my lip, thinking he'd be angry now, but he surprised me when he smirked and pressed reject. 

"Jacob! He's going to think I rejected his call." I scolded, reaching for my phone. 

He holds his hand out of my reach, all but throwing my phone over his shoulder. 

"Hey!" I pushed at his shoulder. "That is going to come back on me you jerk." 

He laughs and moves closer, his hands rising to my neck and pulling me closer. 

"You're such a jerk." I mumbled shyly.

"Shut up." He said softly. 

Before I could say another word, he was kissing me again, overtaking every rational thought. Danny's call had been rejected and it would definitely come back on me, but the selfish part of me was telling myself that I didn't owe him anything, so I sank further into Jacob, my arms winding around his neck and pulling him closer. 

We were both in the throes of broken hearts, both feeling pain and probably more than a little vulnerable. We were both wanting to feel the warmth that we had lost and what was so wrong in getting that from each other?

After several minutes, we both pull back for air, the electricity fizzing around us. He sat back, keeping a hand on my thigh as he smiles, his eyes twinkling with lust and affection.

"Are you coming to the party tomorrow night?" He asks, voice gruff.

"S**t, is that tomorrow?" I frowned. "I don't think-"

"Don't even try it, it's the last big party before exams start, you are not missing it." He interrupts.

He stares at me silently until I sigh and nod. "Fine." I grumble.

"Great." He grins. 

I really didn't want to go to the party, but if Jacob was there, maybe it wouldn't turn out to be so bad. 

Ten

Why did parties have to be so loud? The music was deafening, the thumping bass making my feet vibrate as I walked through the crowded dance floor. Liam had already been lost in the huge crowd, probably in the process of making out with Lily against a wall somewhere. 

Even though my whole year was here, I felt like I didn't know anyone and I had yet to see Jacob anywhere. After the tenth walk around the dance floor and I still failed to spot either Liam or Jacob, I decided to just head home. Jacob would probably yell at me for it, but I had no desire to stay at this obnoxious party. 

I weaved my way through the crowd, finally getting to the door and the fresh air felt good on my overheated skin. As I turned to start the walk back to my dorm, I spotted Jacob, in the middle of his group of friends, laughing and smiling. He looked good in the somewhat baggy jeans and oversized white tee, the silver jewellery hanging from his neck and glistening on his hands giving him a somewhat expensive bad boy vibe. 

I had been too busy hating on Jacob to even realise how handsome he had always been. I watched him for a moment, liking the smile on his face, it made him look younger. With a smile, I turned away and continued on my way to my dorm, wanting to bury myself under the covers and fall asleep in the silence. 

Once I was back behind my closed door, I felt like I could suddenly breathe and it only took me a minute to get changed into a baggy t-shirt and face plant my sofa. My roommate would be living it up at the party and probably wouldn't come back tonight, so I was free to do as I pleased. Although, I had no idea what to do.

Loneliness was something I was familiar with, I used to read books, maybe write in my journal, sleep, eat, whatever I felt like at the time. Now, nothing seemed to help me. Reading just made me sad, as most of the books depicted love and happiness that I desperately wanted. Writing in my journal ended with tears, as now my life wasn't exactly a rainbow.

With sleeping came dreaming and with dreaming came him and I could no longer allow myself to think of him, it wasn't healthy and I couldn't handle the pain that came with him. Eating wasn't fun anymore, food wasn't interesting, everything tasted the same and I never had any appetite anymore. 

With a heavy sigh, I knew that I was dancing with depression again. Last time, it had been Liam and ultimately Danny who had drawn me out of the dark hole, but I rarely saw Liam anymore, he was closer than ever to his girlfriend and he was dropping hints of maybe proposing. Danny had been my rock, the one who had leant me his shoulder and had given me his strength when mine was depleted. It was why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. 

Cursing, I sit up and try to push all thoughts of Danny out of my head. It wouldn't do me any good to get lost in my memories of him again. 

Thankfully, the door knocked loudly, pushing all thoughts away.

I crossed the room and pulled the door open, freezing when I spot Jacob leaning against the frame, his black hair falling messily over his eyes. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"You know, every time you ask me that it hurts my feelings." He replies lowly. 

Rolling my eyes, I walk away, leaving the door open for him. He enters my dorm, pushing the door shut behind him.

"I looked for you at the party, couldn't see you so I guessed you'd bailed." He says. 

"I was there." I lean against the back of the sofa, crossing my arms. "I left." 

Jacob smiles as he walks over to me, putting his hands on the back of the sofa either side of my waist. "You party pooper." He chuckles. 

He frowned at my lack of smile, tilting his head. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just tired." I lied. 

Judging by the sadness in his eyes, he didn't believe me. He sighs and leans forward, putting his forehead against my own. His shaky breath hit my face, his scent working its way up my sinuses until I knew it would be a smell I'd remember forever.

Suddenly feeling emotional, I push at his chest, separating us. "This isn't right." I whispered.

Jacob bites his lip, his eyes hardening with determination. "Tell me you don't want me and I'll walk away." He whispers. 

My silence spoke in volumes. I couldn't lie to him, of course I wanted him but with the way I felt right now, I couldn't take any more guilt. Jacob leans back in but again, I push him away, keeping him at bay.

"There are so many girls who want you," I tell him strongly. "you could have your pick. Why don't you go and get one of them?"

"I don't want them." He replies. "I want you." 

His voice was so honest, so raw, his eyes so intense as they bore into my own. Why did he want me? It didn't make any sense, but then again, that was Jacob to a tee, he didn't have to make sense, he was just him.

"Why?" I frowned, needing to know.

He shakes his head. "You tell me." He shrugs. "I used to hate you, you're a b***h and I blamed you for Danny leaving. The mere thought of being around you made me feel sick, but now, I can't explain it. I feel such a strong pull, something in you is drawing me in and it confuses me, it scares me but God, I don't want to run away because I can't be a coward anymore."

I could only stare up at him in shock, tears rolling silently down my cheeks as he bared his soul.

"I know you feel it too, I can feel it when you kiss me." He cups my cheeks, eyes hard and full of so much emotion. "Now tell me that you don't want me and I will leave you alone."

I couldn't say it, I did want him and of course I felt the same strong pull as he did, but this was wrong, the timing just wasn't right. 

"Jacob-" I shake my head.

"Why is it wrong?" He asks. "You're single, I'm single and I know you are heartbroken. If anyone knows how you feel, trust me it's me. I know how hard you cry, how sad you feel, how broken you are, so let me help you. Don't push me away." 

"I don't want to push you away." I whispered.

With a sigh, he pulls me into him, fingers threading through my hair as I rested on his chest. It was nice, the strength of the man holding me up, allowing me to lean upon him as I let my tears flow. It was a breath of fresh air to lean upon someone, it had been a long time since I had felt protected and I all but fell against Jacob as he held me up. His voice was soothing in my ear, whispering over and over that it would be okay and I don't know why, but I believed him. 

As long as Jacob was around, maybe it would all be okay. 

  

Eleven

With a groan, my eyes fly open, feeling somewhat disorientated. My head hurt, the steady pound pound of a hammer chipping away at my frontal lobe, like I'd had a heavy night of drinking. It took me a moment to realise it was in fact my own room I was staring at. It took me another moment to feel the arm casually slung around my waist and when I did, it all came rushing back.

I turned around slowly, spotting Jacob still fast asleep next to me. He had let me cry it out last night, wrapped up in his arms and when he began to rise to leave, I had practically begged him to stay, the thought of facing a night alone was too much. We had lain together, legs and fingers entwined and the soft melody of Jacob's heartbeat had lulled me to sleep. 

Waking up with someone who was not Danny was rather frightening and for a moment, I was glad Jacob was still asleep. He looked softer when his eyes were closed, his eyelashes fanning over his cheeks. The arm around my waist was still holding me tightly even in his sleep. 

My heart was still racing as his eyes suddenly opened, locking onto mine. He smiled slightly, arm tightening before a ghost of a frown flickered over his brow.

"I can go, if you prefer." He whispers.

I didn't want him to go, I wanted him to stay forever. Shaking my head, I turn around fully so I could lay on his chest, holding onto him. I could feel the smile in my hair that he was showing as his arms locked around me, finger stroking deftly over my skin. 

It had been so long since I had felt so protected and the fact that it was with Jacob was amazing in itself, but I had zero regrets. 

The comfort of Sunday mornings was back, not with the one I had originally imagined it to be, but still, it was better than I'd ever imagined. The warmth of a body against mine, a hum in my ear, the fingers tracing patterns over my skin, the sound of rain softly hitting my window. If I could, I'd have stayed in the moment forever, but too soon Jacob had to leave.

I followed him to the door, giving him a lingering hug before I opened the door. We both froze as we spotted Liam standing outside, hand raised into a fist like he had just been about to knock. He looked between me and Jacob, confusion and hurt on his face. 

"I'll call you later." Jacob says to me, hand stroking my arm. 

He leaves quickly, bypassing an angry Liam whose eyes followed his retreat before looking to me. Liam pushes his way into my dorm, staring at me silently.

"Hi Liam." I murmured awkwardly.

"So it's true." He replies. "You and Jacob are together?"

"Where did you hear that?" I frowned.

"Everyone is talking about it," He shouts. "and now he's spending the night with you?"

"Liam, I can explain." I rushed, panicking.

"Why didn't you come to me?" He asks. "I should've been the one to comfort you." 

"Liam-"

"Why did you go to him?"

"He was the only one there," I shrugged. "He just understands."

"And I don't understand?" Liam shouts. "I'm your best friend." 

"Liam, you and Lily are so great at the minute." I tell him. "I didn't want to bring you down."

"Do you not think I'd drop her in a heartbeat for you?" He asks lowly.

That caused me to frown in question. "What?"

"Do you have any idea how much I love?" He takes a step closer. "Do you remember our first kiss? That night, you kissed me first and I was so happy because I thought you felt the same as me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been in love with you for years." He admits. "The only reason I ever got with Lily was because you started dating Danny and he wasn't like the others, you were in love with him, so I knew I'd never stand a chance."

"Liam-" 

"I've wanted to tell you so many times and when you came to me in tears after Danny cheated on you, I wanted to tell you how I felt, but you were heartbroken."

I backed up as Liam stalked forward, his eyes so sad it made me tear up. I had no idea he was into me that way, he'd never said anything, there was never any doubt in my mind that we were just best friends. I stop when my back hits the wall, Liam putting his hands either side of my head. 

"Why him?" He questions. "Why are you hanging around him? What does he have that I don't?"

"Liam, please." I shake my head. "What do you want from me?"

"I love you." He yells, tears budding in his eyes. "I don't want to be your best friend anymore." 

My heart was breaking again, this time for my best friend who I had hurt without even knowing it. Liam was crying, his face twisted in a painful expression that I knew far too well.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

He sighs as he backs away from me. "So am I, but I can't be your friend anymore."

"Liam-" I run to him, panicked.

He rushes to the door, running out before I could even stop him. The pain in my chest was too much now, it was physical pain, burning me and choking me, my breath coming out in pants as I slid down the wall, dropping heavily to the floor. 

I couldn't breathe, it was like a weight was sitting on top of me, restricting any passage from my lungs. I couldn't even scream, couldn't call for help, could only lay on the cold floor, body twitching in pain, images of my life flashing in my mind, memories of Liam -my only friend, memories of Danny - my first love, memories of Jacob - the guy I had become so attached to in a short amount of time. 

I loved them all in different ways and now none of them were here. Funnily enough, as my eyes closed and my body became weightless, it was only Jacob I could see. His black hair falling over his obsidian eyes, the orbs so obscure but so beautiful. His laugh, the breathy chuckle that used to make me mad, but now made me feel all warm and fuzzy. His voice, the deep drawl almost like shadows crawling along my skin. 

I loved him and I wouldn't even be able to tell him how I felt.

Jacob.

"Sara."

His voice was in my ear, but was I dreaming it?

"Hey, are you okay?" 

Someone was shaking me, sounding rather frantic. My eyes opened, staring blearily up at the face hovering over me. Jacob's eyes were round in fear as he stared at me. 

"Shall I call a doctor?" He asks frantically. 

My hand moved to clutch his, my eyes re-closing as I had no strength left. Jacob cursed, his voice now beginning to fade. I wanted to stay with him, but my body was no longer my own to control. Things couldn't get much worse, at least I hoped not. 

Twelve

As I leant against the wall, I stared around at the university campus. The beautiful grounds covered in flowers, the green grass now strewn with brown leaves as they fell from their perch. I would miss it, which was surprising. I thought I'd be glad to leave all the memories behind, but no, I would miss waking up early just so I could stroll through the grounds alone. I would miss the chatter of the students as they milled about before lessons. I would miss it all. 

After spending a week in the hospital, I came back and nothing had changed, obviously. No one probably even knew where I had been, apart from Jacob, who hadn't left my side. It was mostly just exhaustion that had me hospitalised and I had received lectures from doctors about the importance of eating properly.

All the needles, the bad hospital food, the pain, none of it hurt as much as knowing that Liam did not show up. Jacob had sent him numerous texts, as well as trying to call him, but Liam had never answered, that hurt me the most. My best friend really didn't want to be in my life anymore. 

Sighing, I push off from the wall, heading towards the library. Jacob would be in exams all day, so I wouldn't see him. We hadn't spoken about what we were to each other and the feelings that I had realised when I had my panic attack was all I could think about. Should I tell him? 

I wasn't sure. I was rather afraid of how he would react. I knew he had feelings for me too, but were they as strong as mine? I couldn't be heartbroken again, I just didn't have the strength. 

Arriving in my favourite part of the library, I slid down the wall, letting the silence wash over me. It was still early, so I couldn't even hear the students yet. The calm was peaceful, but still my mind raced with too many thoughts. I couldn't make sense of most of them, Jacob and Liam twirling around my mind and then Danny added to the mix every now and again.

I wondered when Danny was coming back. It had been a while since he had said it to Jacob, but he had yet to return, maybe he had chickened out. I still wanted answers from him, but it was no longer all I was obsessing about. I found myself wishing that he never came back, for it would just be easier to deal with. 

I had things to say to Jacob, things to say to Liam and they were locked in my mind, but with Danny, I had no clue what I'd say if he was suddenly in front of me. I thought of him often, like always, but it hadn't been as much lately. Jacob was probably the cause of that. 

My mind turned to my best friend whom I had hurt without knowing. Why wouldn't he have told me about his feelings long ago? Was he afraid, just as I had been when I was crushing on him? Liam wasn't afraid of anything, that's why I loved him so much, he was so strong and his strength made me strong. 

Did Lily even know about his feelings? He had told me he was thinking of proposing, would he still do that? My head was spinning with too many thoughts and it was making me dizzy. 

So much had happened in such a short amount of time. I'd gone from being so broken, to slowly healing thanks to a boy I believed I couldn't stand to be in the same room as. My feelings for him had done a total one eighty and even though it was confusing, it felt like it was meant to be.

I was never one to believe in soul mates or the like, but when I was around Jacob, it was easy to trick myself that he was mine. We were so alike, in personality and spirit, both needing comfort at the time and it had drawn us together. I could just imagine the ribbon wrapping around my own hand, reaching out for his and entwining through his fingers as it pulled him closer to me.

We were now locked together, both trapped in the same cage that may just collapse and crush us. I wouldn't mind being trapped with him and that thought alone was enough to make me laugh at myself. Things had definitely changed and they would keep on changing. I hoped the ending to this would be happy for all of us, but that wasn't how life worked. I had learnt that happy endings weren't real, for there was no ending, the story kept on going even if you believed it had ended. There was always something else to read, an extra page that you may just miss out on if you weren't paying enough attention.

I wished I could skip ahead and check the ending, not for myself, but for the others. For Jacob, for Liam, even for Danny. As long as they didn't get hurt, I was content with whatever life had in store for me, but please, just let them survive.

If life would allow them to carry on, I'd happily submit to my fate, not putting up a single ounce of a fight. They had to live, for me, they just had to.

As time went on, I saw Jacob less and less, as he was busy with exams. I was feeling very lonely again, but refused to show. I'd tried to call Liam a dozen times, but he was ignoring me and I hadn't seen him around campus at all, even Lily wasn't around. In the rare times I had spent time with Jacob, which was never no more than five minutes, his eyes would hold so much sadness I knew I wasn't the only one who was feeling the loneliness. 

The library became my home, I spent more time there than my dorm. My headphones would be fixed over my ears, my eyes either closed or staring unblinkingly ahead of me. Right now, they were locked on the ceiling and my headphones were dangling around my neck, music still playing but forgotten.

My head was hurting too much to even listen to the soft sounds today. It wasn't getting any better, I wasn't getting any better. I didn't know at the time, but it was about to get a lot worse. 

Thirteen

My legs were numb as I sat on the hard floor, but I didn't even have the energy to get up and stretch. I was far too wrapped up in my own isolation to notice the other person as they entered my place in the library. It was only when a hand was waved in front of my face that I jumped, looking up into the face of the last person I'd ever expected to see. 

"Danny." I stated in shock.

He looked different, his brown hair was longer, almost as long as Jacob's now, but his eyes were still on display, the brown orbs sparkling with warmth. He had filled out, his shoulders wider and his arms thicker. New York must've agreed with him, for he looked great. 

"I thought you'd be here." He murmurs, voice soft, just as soft as I remembered. "This was always your place, right?"

I didn't know what to say, so I remained silent. Danny smiles as he slides down the wall to sit opposite me. 

"When did you get back?" I ask quietly.

"This morning." He answers. "I went to your dorm but you weren't there, so I came here." 

I bit my lip, wondering why he was suddenly here. Funny, I was dreading this moment and how it was here, I had nothing to say and no questions were even coming to my mind. Danny looked like he had been doing well, whereas I hadn't. 

"I never thought you'd have nothing to say to me." He says suddenly, eyes sad. 

"What did you expect?" I replied, voice rather harsh. 

Danny didn't look away, his eyes still filled with emotion. "I guess all I can say is I'm sorry." 

"It's a little late." I scoffed.

"I know." He nods. "I realise that I've never given you an explanation."

"No, you haven't." 

"I was going to tell you everything, over that phone call but you didn't answer." 

The phone call that Jacob had rejected I was guessing. "Everything?" I frowned. "Didn't you already tell me everything you did?"

Danny froze, his teeth chewing on his bottom lip in anxiety. "No." He admits in a low voice. "There is something that you don't know." 

I tilted my head back, a sigh coming out of my mouth, I couldn't handle any more heartbreak, please, not any more. 

"I haven't stopped thinking of this." He continues. "I need to tell you, so then it's all out in the open and you can truly hate me." 

If he believed I was going to hate him, then he must've done something pretty bad and I had a vague thought niggling at the back of my mind that I knew what it was.

"When I cheated, I told you it was just the one time, when I was drunk." He says, eyes locked onto his hands in his lap.

I stared at him, half wanting him to just stop talking, but I had to know, even if it would kill me. 

"It wasn't just once." Danny whispers. "There were kisses before that, but when I told you, that was when we went further than kissing and I couldn't lie to you." 

"But you did lie to me." I say in a shaky voice. "How long were you cheating on me?"

"It started when I got to New York." He nods. "The girl who showed me around the campus, we became close." 

"I'm guessing she didn't know you had a girlfriend then?" 

Danny locks eyes with me, biting his lip as he shook his head. "No, she knew about you."

"She knew?" I asked angrily. "Are you kidding me?"

"I used to talk about you all the time." He shrugged. "She knew you."

"And it didn't bother her to cheat?" 

"She said that you were far away and she was right there." 

"So that's why?" I asked. "Because she was a temptation? You're that weak? You were only in New York for a little over a month before you told me what you did. A month is all it took for you to be lonely?" 

"I regretted it." He says loudly. 

"Yet you continued to do it." I shake my head. 

"I'm sorry." He scoots forward, eyes pleading. "I was an idiot, I know that and I've never screwed up so bad in my life. I don't know why it happened, but it did and I know I can't change it and I know you can't forgive me, but I love you so much."

"Don't." I snap. "Don't you dare say those words to me."

"You know they are still true, Sara." He pleads. 

"You left Danny," I fired. "You left me here, to deal with your mistake."

He sighs as he sits back, shoulders deflating. "I spoke to Jacob." He speaks lowly. "You're friends now?"

I bite my lip, wondering what Jacob had told him. Danny's eyes weren't accusing, so maybe he did in fact think we were just friends. 

"Never expected that." Danny sighs deeply. "Gotta admit, I don't like it."

"Why?" I frowned.

"Well, Jacob always used to tell me how much he hated you," Danny shrugs. "how much of a mistake I was making."

"Yeah, sounds like Jacob." I nodded.

"And now you're friends?" He frowns. "It's just weird." 

"Well, no offence Danny, but it's none of your business." 

He nods, eyes sparkling with tears. "Right." He agrees. "I guess you and I are no longer anything then?"

I didn't want to lose Danny completely, but I couldn't forgive him for lying to me. He had been cheating on me for a while before he told me what he'd done. He was totally different to me now. With a sigh, Danny rises to his feet, staring down at me sadly. 

"I'm going to be here for a week or so, then I'm going back to New York." He tells me. "I've got a new job, so I'll be staying there for good."

"Wow." I murmured. "That's great."

"If you want to talk before I leave, come and find me." 

With one last lingering look, he walks away, leaving me on the floor and staring after him with a tear rolling down my cheek. The love of my life had lied to me, had cheated on me, had then left for another country to heal whilst I remained behind being laughed at and pitied. 

How was it fair? 

Maybe Danny moving to New York permanently was a good thing. I wouldn't have to see him around, his face would remind me of how much I had loved him, how much I had wanted to be with him forever, until he had ruined it. 

Danny had just broken my heart all over again and within a week he'd be leaving again. He was rather cruel to do this, especially when he said he still loved me. This wasn't love, it wasn't anything akin to real feelings. Looking back upon my time with Danny, I regretted it all, every single moment spent with him had been a mistake, a mistake that I'd ultimately learned from, but a mistake all the same. 

He had shown me what not to do. I would no longer fall so easily for a pretty face and a kind smile, I would no longer swoon at the first kiss or the first I love you, I would no longer bare my soul to whomever showed any kind of attention.

Maybe hiding my feelings wasn't a healthy coping mechanism, but it would work, at least for a while, but I was thinking that it would all crumble when Jacob would appear in front of me. He broke every rule, he already knew the real me, so hiding from him would probably be rendered moot. 

Although, maybe that would be a good thing. Jacob knew me, he knew how hard I could cry, he knew how cold I could be, he knew how broken my heart was, he knew my dark thoughts and he still hadn't left me, yet. 

Could Jacob be the person who could teach me to trust again, to love? I held strong feelings for him, they scared me, but as Jacob had once told me, I couldn't run because I could no longer be a coward, not when it came to him. 

For the first time, I was looking at my future not with fear, but with anticipation. It would probably hold more pain, more heartache and more decisions for me, but ultimately, it would turn out okay, for if I could survive this long, surely I could survive a while longer. 

Fourteen

"Enjoy your coffee."

My eyes followed the pretty waitress, liking how she had a smile and a compliment for every customer. How did she do that? Thinking back, I remembered that it used to be me, I used to do that. Now, I held everyone in contempt and I no longer had anything nice to say about anyone, for I didn't believe they deserved it.

True, not everyone was going to hurt me, but once your heart had been damaged enough, you start to believe that everyone can do you harm. The campus coffee shop was always busy, the students either studying or just hanging out, so it was strange for it to be eerily quiet today. It was like people had known I was going to show up, so they decided to boycott today, not that I blamed anyone. This conversation would not end up well.

I'd been surprised to receive a message from Lily, Liam's girlfriend. Surely, Liam must've informed her of his feelings and she was going to yell at me, not that I'd really blame her for that. I still hadn't heard from Liam himself and it still hurt deeply. My best friend, whom had been such a huge impact in my life, was now gone and I probably would never see him again. 

Spotting Lily walk through the doors, I sat up straighter in my seat, gulping in nervous anxiety. I was dreading this, it would not go well. Lily walked slowly to the table, almost like she didn't want to be here anymore than I did. Finally, she sat down opposite me. Straight away, I knew something was wrong.

I had always been jealous of Lily, for she was the epitome of female perfection. Long blonde hair, long legs, flawless complexion and the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen in my life. Those eyes were always sparkling, always bright and happy, for that's just who she was. Now though, her eyes were dull, full of tears and unhappiness. Even though I didn't really do anything, I felt terrible.

Lily sighs shakily, finally looking at me. "Are you feeling better, Sara?" She asks politely.

"Yes, thank you." I nodded. 

"I was going to come and see you, but-" She trails off, her voice cracking with emotion.

I bit my lip and stayed silent, knowing that nothing I could say would bring her any comfort. 

"I wanted to talk you," Lily says shakily. "about Liam." 

I stared into her eyes, waiting for her to continue. 

"We broke up." She says sadly, tears beginning to roll down her face. 

"Lily, I'm so sorry." 

"I don't blame you," She shakes her head. "honestly, I thought I did, but as I thought about it more, it's not your fault. You didn't even know how he felt." 

"Well-"

"Look, I don't blame you, but I just wanted to let you know that Liam is going to leave."

"What?" I frowned. "Where?"

"I don't know," She shrugs. "he won't tell me, but he said he doesn't want to stay here any longer."

Where was he going to go and what was he going to do? I felt a twinge of sadness for my best friend and for the girl sitting in front of me, her eyes broken and sad, much like my own. 

"Lily," I sighed. "maybe he just needs some time." 

Lily nods. "Maybe." She says hopefully. "Also, everyone now knows what Danny did to you."

"What?" I asked in surprise. "How?"

"He told everyone." She shrugs. "Set the record straight, as it were. He finally made everyone aware that you're not to blame." 

That was surprising, but also very nice to hear. Finally, people would stop looking at me like it had been me to make Danny run off. Still, I did worry for Danny, for he had a lot of friends and now he would probably lose them. Although, with him moving to New York, maybe it didn't matter. I wondered if Jacob had talked to him?

"Anyway," Lily breaks through my thoughts. "I just wanted to let you know about Liam."

"I'm really sorry, Lily." 

"It's okay." She nods. "I mean, it's not, but you know, maybe he will take me back when he's gotten over you."

That made me feel like the worlds biggest jerk. With a sigh, Lily rises to her feet, pushing her blonde hair out of her face. 

"Well, goodbye Sara." She smiles thinly. "I hope everything works out for you."

"Thank you, you too, Lily."

As the sad girl leaves, I too rise to my feet, not really knowing where I was going, but my feet seemed to move for me. As I walked through the campus, my eyes tracked the movements of the other students. Normally, they all glanced in my direction, their eyes judgemental and hard to take. Now though, people were looking at me with pity, almost apologetically and that was actually harder to take.

For some reason, I ended up standing outside of Danny's dorm room. I didn't even know what I was going to say to him, but I knocked upon the door anyway. It opened quickly and as soon as Danny set eyes on me, he froze, his eyes going wide in surprise.

"Sara," He smiles gently. "hi, I thought I'd never see you again."

I bit my lip, feeling awkward. Danny laughed, the sound so familiar and the memories of it made me sad for a lot of reasons. He opens the door wider and gestures me inside with a graceful tilt of his head. He laughed again when I didn't move.

"What, you want to do this at the door?" He asks.

With a sigh, I entered his door and waited as he closed it. He walks to the sofa and sits down, eyes locked on me. After a moments hesitation, I moved to sit next to him. 

"So, why are you here?"

"I heard about what you did." I glanced up at him. "Thank you, that took courage."

"Well," He sighs. "I figured I'd ruined your life enough as it is. I'm sorry that it took me so long."

"Better late than never."

Danny bites his lip, eyes boring into my own. "So, what's with you and Jacob?"

I froze, mouth opening, but nothing coming out. Danny smiles, his eyes twinkling with knowledge. 

"It's okay." He says softly. "I mean, it's not, I hate the thought of you with him and it's a very strange thought to have, but Jacob genuinely seems to be interested in you."

"He does?"

Danny nods. "It's so strange, he normally isn't interested in anyone, but the way he talks about you," He smiles. "it's actually nice to hear."

I couldn't imagine Jacob talking about me, at least not saying anything nice, it was easier to imagine him calling me annoying and a b***h. 

"Sara," Danny interrupts my thoughts. "if you want to be with Jacob, I won't stop you, not that I could anyway. I want you to be happy." 

"Thank you." 

It was strange, those words didn't make me feel better, like I thought they would. Danny seemed to notice my lack of response. 

"Sara, I know that you hate me." He sighs. "I don't blame you, I hate myself. I want you to move on though." 

"You make it sound easy." I frown.

"I thought you'd yell at me or something." He says suddenly. "I didn't expect silence."

Yeah, I thought I'd yell at him too, but now I was sitting with him, all I wanted was to forget about him. As I turned to face him, Danny was already staring at me, his eyes still holding that same look of fondness I'd always seen in his beautiful eyes. I had used to live for that look, had used to long for that look and when I had it, I never wanted to stop seeing it. 

That look made me long for the old days, the days when it was me and him, the power couple that made everyone else jealous, but those days were history, practically buried and they would never return. 

Danny sighs, brushing his hair out of his face in a movement that I remembered. It's funny how all of those little things added up in my head, floods of memories confusing me and making me want to start crying. 

"Well, I'm leaving tomorrow." Danny says. 

I nodded, staring at his face to remember every detail about him, although, I never would forget him, so I really didn't need to. Danny smiles, the perfect thick lips with the white teeth, so perfect, as always. Rising to my feet, I stare at him and try to smile. "Goodbye, Danny." I half whisper.

"Goodbye, Sara." 

With one last look, I leave his dorm and begin a slow walk to my own. 

Things would be changing now and I couldn't decide if I was looking forward to it or not. The future was always unclear, but surely people had some idea of where they were headed. Me however, couldn't see anything and the blindness of it all was rather frightening. 

Fifteen

The campus was eerily quiet, no students running around in their haste to get to their next class, no professors talking on the steps or shouting at those students who were more than late, all was quiet. That was how the campus was on holidays, everyone would go home, only those few remaining behind, all staying indoors to escape from the bitter cold of winter. 

Not me, true that I hated winter, but still I always found a great sense of peace as I walked through the chilly evening air, the beginnings of snow landing at my feet. The lights of the campus were shining through the bare trees, giving it an almost graveyard feel, but still, I found it calming rather than frightening. Then again, I had always loved the calm of abandoned places.

It felt like life itself was slowing down, everything still and quiet, finally taking a deep breath after the bustle of the day. It was a chance to reflect upon life, your choices and wonder what your future held. 

As I thought about my choices, it immediately brought me to Danny. Even with the way we had ended, I couldn't regret the time I had spent with him. He had brought me out of my reserved shell, had made me so much happier, had stopped my negative thoughts about myself. It was him whom had taught me to love myself and that was the greatest gift he'd ever given me, including his love.

Most of it had been taken away when he had cheated on me, but I would learn to get it back. 

After the conversation with Lily, I'd tried to get in touch with Liam, so I could at least say goodbye, but I had received no reply. Wherever he was, I hoped he was happy. After his confession to me, I'd thought back upon the days where I had crushed on him. Things surely would've ended very differently if I had told him of my feelings. I couldn't deny that he was handsome and basically an ideal boyfriend, but there was no spark with him, as proved by our kiss all those years ago. 

I figured that maybe he'd just lied to me when he had agreed to feel no spark and that thought alone made me feel guilty. I didn't understand why he could never tell me his feelings, but I knew Liam well, he would never risk our friendship for anything, for he knew how much it meant to me. I hoped we could eventually be friends again.

My thoughts moved on from my ex and my best friend, to Jacob, who I hadn't seen for a while. I wasn't sure if he was even still on campus, maybe he'd gone home to see his mother like the rest of the student body. 

As it always did, a smile came upon my face as I thought of him. My feelings for him had changed drastically and I felt silly for it. Still, I smiled anyway and I kept it on my face as I sat down on a bench, staring softly as the water fountain, that was now lifeless, but still pretty.

"Sara."

I jumped in fright at the sudden voice, standing up and whirling around. Liam raises his hands in defence, a sheepish smile on his face. "Liam." I state dumbly.

In the few weeks I hadn't seen him, he looked like he had aged, his chocolate eyes dull and tired, his skin pale and his frame far too thin. I felt awful for hurting him.

"Hi." He says nervously. 

I didn't like the awkward atmosphere between us, we shouldn't be this way. "How are you?"

Liam sighs as he steps forward, putting his hands in his pockets. "I've been better."

"Liam, I'm-"

"Sara, don't." He interrupts. "Don't apologise or anything, for you did nothing wrong."

That surprised me, so I stayed silent, not knowing what to say. 

"I shouldn't have done what I did." He sighs. "But, seeing you with him, I just lost it."

"Liam-"

"I hate him." Liam laughs without humour. "Like, I really hate him."

 "Right." I nodded. 

"Still, I'm sorry for what I did." He continues. "I was just angry and upset that you chose him to help you heal."

"It just happened." I shrug.

"I know," He nods. "I understand why you needed it. I couldn't give you what you needed and he could and I guess I'm glad of that, even though I hate him."

I laugh at his flat tone, unable to help myself. He sounded like the old Liam, my best friend Liam who was never afraid to speak the truth. 

Liam smiled, his eyes warm as they stared into my own. "If he makes you happy Sara, then I can deal with him." 

"Aren't you leaving?" I ask.

"Well, I got a job," He smiles. "so I will be leaving in a couple of weeks."

"And, you and Lily?" 

Liam sighs, his eyes going downcast. "I love her, I do, but I just need some time on my own."

I understood that all too well, but I still felt sorry for Lily. Liam steps closer to me, biting his lip.

"I'm going to miss you." He says, his voice soft. 

"I'll miss you too." I reply, feeling the sting of tears behind my eyes. "I hope we can be friends again, eventually."

"We will." He nods, voice determined. "See you around, Sara."

"Bye Liam."

I watched in silence as he turns and walks away, his oversized coat making him seem smaller, but it was cute, just like he was. Eventually, he gets swallowed by the darkness, once again leaving me alone. The silence this time was unbearable and I felt more than lonely. I decided to walk back to my dorm, the chilly air making me shiver into my coat. 

As I walked back through the deserted campus, I couldn't help but feel like I'd said goodbye to two of the most important in my life, Danny and Liam. Well, two down and one to go. Jacob was always in my mind, sometimes in the background, but still there nonetheless.

Even if Jacob were to tell me that he wasn't interested in me that way, I would want him to be a part of my life anyway. His mere presence made me happier, not that I'd ever tell him that. Although, he probably knew it anyway and he would have that smug smirk on his face as he informed me of it. It's strange, the smirk that used to piss me off, now I loved to see. Those comments, that used to grind on me, now just made me laugh. 

I missed him and it made me laugh at my myself, but I couldn't deny it. As I arrived back at my quiet dorm, I took off my coat and sat on my bed, staring at the floor. I had no idea what to do with myself. Loneliness wasn't exactly a new feeling for me, but for the first time ever, I was at a complete loss what to do or how to handle it.

I thought things would begin to get better, but I suddenly had a bad feeling that everything would get much worse. I didn't know how much more heartbreak I could handle. Actually, I did and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle any more.

Sixteen

Sitting in my favourite spot in the library, it now held a lot of memories. I could practically see Jacob sitting opposite me, his eyes locked on the book in his hands. The image made me smile and wish for it to be true. The campus was still empty, but students were beginning to come back, all barricading themselves in the warmth of their dorms to escape the cold weather.

Again, I always like to be different and I'd rather spend my time in the library, in my little corner, than in my dorm, alone and far too aware of the silence. At least in the library, I could still hear sounds of the staff in the background, the teachers beginning to prepare for the start of the new term. 

The book in my hands was resting against my lap, not having been lifted at all since opened. My mind was far too blank to be able to read, the words wouldn't make any semblance of sense and honestly, I was way too tired. I hadn't been able to sleep properly for days, insomnia had taken hold of me, leaving me staring at the ceiling for hours, unable to even close my eyes.

Loneliness would do that to you, it would chip away at your sanity piece by piece, chiselling away like it was creating a brand new sculpture, but that new sculpture would eventually be chipped at too much and it would fall. I could feel myself beginning to fall and I had no one to actually lean on for support. 

The more I thought about my future, the more I realised that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I'd always wanted to travel, to see the world and when I had been with Danny, we had made plans to do that after we graduate. Graduation was another year away for me, so I guessed I had a lot of time to decide, but with the way I felt right now, I didn't even know if I wanted to stay here for my final year.

With all the memories in this place, it would be hard to keep myself upright. I believed I was getting better, but that had been a delusion brought on by the happiness I had felt with Jacob. I didn't know if he was back yet, but I wished he was, just so I could see him. 

With a sigh, I tipped my head back and closed my eyes, picturing Jacob in my mind. The image that came to mind was the basketball game, all those months ago. Jacob running up and down the court, his pale skin glistening, his eyes so bright and intense as he scored points for his team. In that moment, he was in his element and he was beautiful.

Sara.

I felt like I could hear his voice, the rough, yet soft tone, his almost growl when he twisted his words. 

Sara.

I could've sworn I could hear him, but clearly I was just longing for it, so my mind was tricking me.

"Hey b***h."

My eyes flew open, widening as I spotted Jacob standing over me, a frown on his face. 

"Were you in your own world, again?" He smirked.

"I thought I was imagining you." I admitted softly.

Jacob smirked that smug smile, making my blood boil. "Missed me that much?"

I rolled my eyes. "Still a jerk."

He laughed as he slides down the wall to sit opposite me. "Good holidays?"

"Quiet." I shrugged. "You?"

"It was nice to see my mom." He smiles. "Although, I did not approve of her new boyfriend."

"Really, why?"

"He's a know it all." Jacob sneers. 

"Like you then?" I bite my lip to stop the smile.

"Still a b***h." He replies flatly.

Just like that, I could feel my bad mood and fatigue melting away, being replaced with happiness and fondness, all thoughts now focused on the man in front of me. His black hair was a little longer, falling over the beautiful obsidian eyes I loved to drown in. He pushes it out of his face in a movement that reminded me of Danny, but for some reason, Jacob made it look sexy rather than cute. 

"So, I heard that Liam is leaving." He says softly. "How do you feel about that?"

"I hope he does well," I nod seriously. "he deserves to be happy."

"So do you." Jacob's voice was so soft, it was easy to trick myself that I'd imagined it, but no, I had definitely heard it.

Those obsidian eyes were staring into my own, such fondness brimming in the orbs that it was rather overwhelming, but just like before, I wanted to drown in those eyes and hope he would save me.

"While I was away," Jacob speaks up. "I couldn't stop thinking about you."

My eyes widened in surprise and my heart did a small flip in happiness, not that I showed it. 

"I thought if I was away from you, that I would remember how much I hate you." He continues. "But, the more I thought about you, the more I wanted to see you."

"I missed you." I admitted quietly.

Jacob smiles, a cute blush spreading across his cheeks. "Wow, I never thought I'd be happy to hear that." He shakes his head, laughing. "I missed you too."

I smiled, my own face heating up. 

Jacob moves forward, our knees touching. "So Sara, would you like to go on a date with me?" 

My mouth dropped open in surprise, much to Jacob's amusement. 

"Sorry," He laughs. "your face is too good."

"Shut up." I shove him. "Jerk."

"So, date?" He smirks, like he already knew the answer and I guess he did.

"Will you be a jerk the whole time?" I replied.

Jacob grins, his eyes twinkling dangerously. "Duh." He confirms.

"How could a girl refuse?" I sighed.

He smiles, our eyes locking once again. "I have a good feeling about this." He whispers. 

He wasn't wrong, I had a good feeling too and for some reason, the fear of getting hurt wasn't even in my mind. Jacob was just like me, in the fact that he too had been broken, so he wasn't the type to ever hurt anyone. When we were together, it just made sense, we worked well together and those type of people, they could create magic and we both could use that. 

Jacob leans in close, his hands moving to cup my cheeks. "Lets heal together." He says gently. "B***h." He adds with a smirk.

I smiled, nodding my head and trusting him completely. Never would I have imagined that this, that he, would be my future, but I had to admit, I wanted to welcome it rather than run away. I wanted to face everything, with Jacob at my side. 

As he leans in and places a gentle kiss upon my lips, I trembled, feeling like this had been fated all along and finally, we were with the person we were meant to be with. Our heartbreak would heal, thanks to each other. 

Funny, I had been dreading my final year at university, but suddenly, I was thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all..... 

~END~

Author's Note

This story is now completed ~ thank you for reading <3