The heartbeat of Beth

Beth has been in an institution for the mentally unstable for as long as she can remember, with no memory of how or why she ended up there.

“What are you feeling today, Beth?”

What am I feeling? Nothing, like usual. I can’t remember the last time I ever felt any emotion other than numbness.

They asked me the same question everyday and everyday I give them no answer, for I didn’t need to. Surely, they could see in my eyes the emotionless void that used to be me. They would sigh, shake their heads and give me more pills that only sourced in making it worse.

The people around me were the same, all looking numb, dull, no cause to be happy, but being in an institution would do that to you.

We were no longer allowed to call it an mental asylum, even though that’s what it was. This was where they placed all the broken, leaving them to doctors who pretended what they did was all for their patients progress of functionality.

The patients here knew better, they were lab rats, put here to poke and study for scientists amusement. How could one get better when even the people who were supposed to help you thought there was no hope.

Why was I here? I couldn’t remember all the details. Hell, I couldn’t even remember my own name some days. Often at night, when sleep evaded me, I would chant my name to myself over and over, hoping that it would stick, that I would remember who I was and how I came to be in this dreadful place. Alas, it never stuck.

There was only one thing I could remember, the image so clear in my mind I often thought they were in my room with me.

Grey eyes.

The first time I saw them, I had thought it another imagined image of my broken self, but the more they came to me, the more I knew they were not a source of my madness, but a real memory.

I knew those eyes. Eyes that could not hide any emotion, the grey that would become a light silver when hit by rays of sunlight and turn to darkened storm clouds when struck with anger. They were eyes I could fall in love with and I guess I did, depending on how you thought love was supposed to feel.

Was love supposed to hurt? I’d been told that yes, it was. But was it supposed to be physical pain, was it supposed to burn you, the flames licking over your skin to leave you scarred and ugly, unworthy of love from another ever again?

Was it supposed to leave your heart broken, so devastatingly ruined that it would take a miracle to piece it back together. No amount of tape in the world could fix the unfixable.

When the heart breaks, so to does everything else, for it’s all connected. First it’s the body, no strength left to make an effort on appearance or personal hygiene, then it’s the mind, the brain shutting down in an attempt to stop the pain. I imagined it to be like the inside of a clock, the cogs now rusted and squeaking to a halt, cobwebs over the machinery that would now rot and be forgotten.

Those eyes were the cause of my downfall, but I could not remember the man they belonged to.

The facial features - was he handsome like a prince, boyish and cute or was he what people perceived as an ugly duckling? Did he have long hair, maybe brown or a light blonde?

The smile - did it curve up, showing white teeth or was it a thin line, showing he was insecure and nervous?

The body - was he muscular, thin, fat, were his hands pretty like a females? Was he tall or short?

I didn’t know and I found that it didn’t matter. In my mind, the eyes were all I could focus on anyway. Those eyes, I knew them well, at least, I think I did.

Late at night, when it was dark and I was alone, I would be afraid of them, my dreams tormenting me until I woke screaming and would have to be sedated. During the day, they would make me feel lighter, like they were protecting me from further damage.

When I’d be lying back against a hard bed, doctors around me, needles sticking out of me like I was a human porcupine, I would focus on those eyes, the grey overtaking me until I was somewhere else, somewhere safe.

The doctors told me it was all imagined, all in my head, but was it?

Maybe, even I knew I was crazy but I had to find out the truth. I needed to know whose eyes were haunting me.

***************************

Sometimes I wished for more pills to numb the thoughts in my head. Your body may be numb, but your mind, it's always alive, always thinking, always coming up with new ways to destroy you. The little voice in your head could never truly be silenced.

"What are you feeling today, Beth?"

Tired. That is how I'm feeling.

Just leave me alone.

Let me breathe for just a moment.

Moments like this, I close my eyes, the grey eyes staring at me from a black hole. The memories were fighting to get out.

Long nails clawing at my the front of my mind, trying to escape from the shadows where they had hidden for too long. Now, they wanted out.

I wanted them out.

You're my special girl, Beth.

I'm listening.

I'll never leave you, Beth.

Where are you?

You're mine, Beth.

I'm yours. What a funny sentiment.

Did I belong to this man? Did he have my heart, my soul, my body, my everything in his grasp because I allowed him or because he took it without my consent?

Did I try to escape?

There was no denying that I feared those grey eyes, but the question is, why?

"Take your pills, Beth."

No. I had to free my mind from the fog that those pills created. I was so close, my fingers were right on the edge of the blanket that was covering my memory.

Wake up, Beth.

You need to wake up.

**********************

The room was pitch black, so dark I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face. I couldn't scream, a tight vice was around my throat, restricting my breathing.

Flames ignited beneath my feet, climbing up the walls like a dragon taking flight. I could feel the heat, sweat beading on my skin.

Someone was screaming, but it wasn't me.

A figure rose from the flames, nothing but a shadow but the scream was real, piercing and made my ears ring.

The figure was trying to fight off the flames, like it was a corporeal being that it could touch. I could almost hear the flames and its mocking laughter, retreating and pushing back against the figure like it was a game.

The screams continued, the shrill voice rising to a crescendo until it ended abruptly, as if someone had flipped a switch.

The flames, completed in its mission, retreated back, a small ring of fire left around my feet.

How could you do this to me?

That voice, I knew that voice, didn't I?

It was so deep it sent vibrations through my whole body, wrapping around me like vines of ivy that were embedded with thorns.

The grey eyes were back, the orbs swirling with anger and pain directed at me. They hit me like arrows, piercing different parts of my body.

Remember me.

I'm trying.

The shadows were pressing down on me, forcing me to crumble beneath their weight until I was curled into a ball. I could feel every bone cracking, the pain so severe it had me immobile, but still, no sound escaped me.

You did this to me.

What did I do?

Remember.

I woke with a start, realising I was in my room, my back against the hard bed that had somehow moulded to my shape.

My skin tingled with the remnants of the dream, sweat now drying from the cold air, blood pumping in my ears. The silence unnerved me.

Usually, there were always sounds in the asylum, the screams of patients, the soft click-clack of nurses with high heeled shoes walking down the corridors, the ticking of the dozens of clocks dotted around the halls, because time should always be monitored, at least according to the doctors.

Tonight, there was nothing because something more evil was crawling the halls, a shadow blocking all noise, all light, all hope.

The darkness was closing in.

I lay on my bed, too scared to close my eyes, my body too wired to lie still.

The deep voice was echoing in my head, repeating the words said in the dream over and over.

You did this to me.

Remember me.

I'm trying, I really am.

***********************

"Why are you not taking your pills, Beth?"

Because I need to remembers and those pills made me sleepy and if I slept, the flames would hurt me again.

I could feel them, licking over my skin like they were trying to leave kisses that would scar, leaving their mark forever upon my pale flesh.

I knew it was imagined but the feeling was so strong, I would wake screaming in pain, begging for mercy, pleading with anyone to save me.

Doctors had learnt to leave me alone now, letting me scream until my voice broke and I would be left in a pool of my own sweat and tears. The eyes that I feared would be staring at me, burning with anger and pain that was manifested into my own physical anguish.

I was no closer to remembering the owner of those eyes, yet they continued to haunt me, continued to scream and cry until I had to cover my ears.

"Take your pills, Beth."

I don't want them. Leave me alone.

The strong hands held me down, the fingerprints leaving bruises that reminded me of something. It was like a light was coming back on, the clock beginning to tick but it was only for a second.

The pills that were forced down my throat brought the ticking to a stop, wisps of smoke obscuring any memory that was trying to break free from its cage.

I screamed in frustration, screamed at the doctors who were pretending they were helping, when in reality, they were keeping me down, keeping us all down with those pills they told us would help.

I just want to be me again, whoever that was.

I wanted to remember, remember why I was put in here, why I had nightmares of flames and grey eyes, why I was being punished for acts that I didn't know if I had actually committed.

Being left alone again used to make me feel better, used to make me feel at peace, for at least I wasn't being poked and prodded or asked questions that I couldn't answer.

Now, being alone was frightening, the darkness took over and the shadows would sneer and keep me curled into a ball, trying to protect myself from the voices who would tell me to do things, not just to myself.

Please, someone help me.

*********************

Open your eyes.

My eyes shot open, expecting to see the same four dirty white walls that I usually did.

The walls were a rosy pink, the paint smelling fresh in my nose. The bed I was lying upon was not the usual hard mattress, this one was soft, moulding to fit my body for more comfort.

Soft streaks of sunlight were shining through the large window, creating a warm atmosphere that immediately calmed any nerves.

The room was devoid of any other furniture, the door slightly open but no light could be seen from outside.

Looking at the darkness that seemed to worm itself into the room, my anxiety spiked, fear coursing through my veins, my body beginning to shake.

The door opened slowly, not making a sound. For a moment, the shadows were still but they soon morphed into a figure, the grey eyes shining at me with an evil glint that made me shiver.

I didn't recognise the male that stepped into the room, a smirk upon his pretty face.

He was young, his skin soft and wrinkle free. The blonde hair was messy, waves falling across his forehead that made me think of the ocean. He was tall, the shoulders so broad he filled the doorway. The scent of cedar wood and cigars hit my nose strongly, my head going dizzy with the amount of memories it was bringing back, not that I could remember a single one.

It was like a movie was playing in my head but the lights had been turned off. I could only hear the sounds, the laughter, the crying, the pleas of help.

The male stepped forward, my body curling into itself in a feigned attempt at protection.

I feared this male, but why, I didn't really know.

"How are you feeling now, Bethy?"

That voice, so deep it was like I could feel the vibrations even though he was nowhere near me. His smile, it could be considered to be warm, like he really cared but it made my skin crawl. There was something dark hidden beneath that smile, like he was the smiling alligator about to pounce on the unsuspecting prey.

"I'll make you feel better."

The scream was lost in my throat, my eyes closing. My hands were trying to fight off the strong body that was over me.

I was a child again, a frightened child who could only try to be quiet in hopes it would stop, in hopes it would go away, it hopes I wouldn't be hurt anymore.

"My Bethy."

Open your eyes.

I woke with a shout, my wild eyes seeing the same four walls, no longer a rosy pink but back to the dirty white they always were. The mattress back to it's lumpy self, the springs digging into my back.

I could still feel the hands upon me, the fingers stroking over my skin almost lovingly, lingering and making me feel dirty, like my blood itself was turning black.

My Bethy.

Leaping off the bed, I crashed into the wall, looking around for the face I was scared to see but it wasn't here. His voice was in my head, so loud, so piercing I could feel my ears bleeding.

My Bethy.

Leave me alone.

Get out of my head.

Someone help me.

***********************

"You have a visitor, Beth."

Siting at the white table, I stared blankly at the woman sitting opposite me.

The hair, so dark just like mine, the curls soft against her shoulders, just like mine. The eyes, caramel, just like mine.

Usually, visitors were strictly prohibited. This was proof that the doctors were just a breath away from giving up on me. I wish they would get it over with already, just lock me up and throw away the key.

"Hello, Beth."

Her voice was strained, like she was resisting the urge to cry. Why was she here when I had no clue who she was?

"Do you remember me?"

Of course I don't. Nothing was familiar about her in any way.

"I'm your Aunt."

Then why do you look just like me? You could be my mother.

"It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

Was she trying to be funny? Of course it has, I've been locked in here for as long as I could remember.

"Are they treating you well?"

Do you actually care? Probably not. She looked uncomfortable, like she was waiting for any opportunity to run. The doctors had probably called her, pleading for anyone to just try and talk to me. I didn't know why they were bothering, even I knew I was a lost cause.

She sighed deeply, frustrated with having no response.

"You know, the doctors can't help you if you don't work with them." She snaps, eyes fierce.

No, they can't help me because I'm beyond help. Aren't they the ones to blame here, for not noticing that?

With a loud sigh, the woman stands up, knocking on the door sharply to be released. She left without another glance, leaving me alone.

Turning my head, I stared out of the window, not that I could see a lot with the bars across, blocking out most of the light.

What did it feel like to have the summer breeze wash over you? I couldn't remember, couldn't remember the smell of grass, the taste of food, the feel of the rain as it landed on your skin.

How long had I been in here? I wasn't sure. I didn't even know exactly how old I was. Young, that's all I ever heard.

You're too young to be stuck in here.

Yes, but maybe being in here was the best thing. At least being behind the closed doors, no one could hurt you but yourself.

Memories and nightmares could hurt you, the mind making up stories of the fearful kind just to pass the time.

No, being in here was safer. At least, that's what I believed.

*************************

Author's Note

**** Story is ongoing and will hopefully be updated often ******