Chapter One

This is the first chapter. Much happens in this chap, WAY more than in the original. Sarah(Suzu, in the original) is introduced in this chap, rather than being introduced in a later chap. ^^

   In the middle of Brynhild forest, there is a house. The house stands in the middle of a clearing of a four way path. To the West was a continuation of Brynhild where its river flowed. To the East was Alaunus Forest, where the vampires dwell and the Vampire Castle was. To the North was Selene Forest, the forest of fairies and their Fairy Castle. And to the South was Pomona Forest, where the dwarfs and their Dwarf Empire was.

   This particular house belonged to a mortal Friend. Her name was Shannon Anahita, however, she was called "Aya" by her grandmother, Kameko.

   Shannon was only twelve years of age with brown eyes, pale skin, and lightly curled and shoulder length hair with straight bangs. She wore a brown short sleeve tunic, black belt around her waist, black leggings, and brown boots.

   As far as Shannon had lived with Kameko, which was practically her whole life, she has never been outside of Brynhild, in fact, she has never seen any other forest other than Brynhild.

   Shannon was outside training with her Bokken(wooden sword) when Kameko came outside to see how she was doing.

   "Aya. Are you done training today?" Kameko asked her small granddaughter.

   "Not yet, Kameko-San." Shannon smiled, "If it's alright with you, I will have another hour of training."

   Kameko laughed, "Of course you may have another hour, but please hurry. It is getting rather dark and Brynhild becomes very dangerous." Kameko turned and walked back towards the house.

   "I will, Kameko-San." Shannon bowed to her grandmother before watching Kameko open and enter the house.

   Shannon took one last look at the house before sheathing her sword. She then ran off towards the Brynhild River. Brynhild was dangerous at night, but Shannon begged to differ.

   She strolled down the side of the river, watching all the fireflies glow and fly. It was quite peaceful. She jumped on a large rock that sat in the middle of the river. She sat down on it and closed her eyes to meditate.

   "You better be careful that this dammed river doesn't wash you away." said a voice.

   Shannon's eyes snapped open. She saw the owner of the voice. It was a young boy about two years older than her. He had shaggy blond hair that went a little passed his ears, blue eyes, and lightly tanned skin. And he wore silver shorts with black wave patterns at the bottom, a black shirt, silver boots, and a large black-hilted silver sword strapped to his back. He was very handsome.

   "Um..." Shannon was at a lose for words. She just kept thinking of how cute he was.

   "I'm Justin Yagami, Fiend to Rivers, if you haven't noticed." Justin growled at the river, "I'm sorry for not introducing myself before speaking to you. It's very rude, at least, that's what my girlfriend, Sarah, tells me."

   "Oh..." Shannon tried to produce more words, "I didn't think it was rude at all! I'm Shannon, Friend to Mythical Creatures."

   "Shannon." Justin repeated as he stood up, "Hasn't your mom ever told you that it's dangerous in the forest after dark?"

   "Actually, I don't have a mom." Shannon said, "But my grandmother, Kameko-San, told me not to be here after dark..."

   "Ah, I see." Justin hopped off the rock and onto the side of the river, "Well, I'll be your escort back home. It's dangerous for humans to be out here at this hour. Too many wolves and such."

   Shannon blushed and nodded, jumping off her rock and landing gracefully next to Justin. Justin held his arm out to Shannon and she took it, still bright red. They began to walk back towards Shannon's house.

   "So..." Shannon tried to make small talk, "You have a girlfriend... What's she like?"

   "Oh, Sarah?" Justin beamed, "She's pretty cool once you get to know her. She's from Selene Forest. She is also the sister to the Fairy Prince, Jeremy. Although, he doesn't seem too fond of her. I can't imagine why."

   "I see." Shannon said. She was going to start another conversation on Selene Forest when she spotted her house.

   "That it?" Justin gestured to the old two story house in the middle of the clearing.

   "Yup." Shannon nodded, "My room's on the second floor... I don't know how I can sneak passed Kameko-San..." Shannon sighed heavily. She was going to have to scrub the floors... again.

   "Here." Justin picked her up and jumped into the second story window, "This is your room, right?"

   Shannon slowly nodded. She was just a bit surprised, although she shouldn't have been. She knew Justin wasn't human.

   She opened the window and slid inside, "Thanks." she said to Justin before closing the window. Justin waved as he jumped down.

   Shannon tried to calm herself down. She fanned her face quickly.

   "Aya?!" Kameko shouted from outside, "Where are you?!"

   Shannon opened up her window and yelled, "Kameko-San! I'm already inside!"

   Kameko whipped her head around and saw Shannon, "Aya? How did you sneak passed me?"

   "It really wasn't my intention." Shannon said, "I was just a little tired from the extra hour. I guess I forgot to say anything. Sorry."

   Kameko sighed, "Alright. Just don't forget to tell me next time."

   "I won't." Shannon promised as Kameko walked back into the house.

...

   It was a bright and new day. Shannon grabbed her Bokken and put it on her belt. Today, she was going to skip training and go out by Brynhild river to see if Justin was there.

   Shannon had sneaked out of the house while Kameko was asleep, which was pretty early in the morning. The sun wasn't even out yet.

   The river was pretty quiet, save for the sounds of running water. Shannon jumped onto the rock she sat on the other day. She closed her eyes and waited to hear Justin's voice.

   She DID hear the sound of footsteps. Whomever they belonged to, they sat on a rock a ways away from her. She opened one eye to see a strange girl sitting on the rock. She had long black hair with straight bangs, green eyes, and pale skin. And she wore a pink sleeveless tunic, black belt, black leggings, and pink boots.

   The girl looked at Shannon and then glared before turning away with a huff. Shannon huffed back. 'How rude.' Shannon thought.

   "Who are YOU?" the girl asked without looking at Shannon.

   "I'm Shannon, Friend to Mythical Creatures." Shannon said politely, "And you?"

   "I'm Sarah, I'm not a Friend or a Fiend." the girl said, "I am a fairy though."

   This caught Shannon's attention. She looked at the girl's back and saw the smallest set of sparkly wings she ever saw.

   "Your wings--" Shannon began.

   "I know." Sarah growled, "They are small. They shouldn't be though. My stupid brother told me that my wings would grow whenever I do something good. They haven't been growing lately though."

   "I see." Shannon wanted to ask, "Is your boyfriend Justin Yagami?"

   Sarah's eyes suddenly lit up, "Yeah! He's the best boyfriend in the world!" just as suddenly as they lit up, they glowered, "Why are you asking?"

   "Uhh... well, I just met him the other day..." Shannon threw up her hands in defense, "I was just--"

   "Just what?!" Sarah got up and looked ready to pounce, "You want him, don't you?! You saw him and couldn't take your eyes off of him! Stay away from him, Shannon!"

   Shannon was frozen in fear. What was she going to do if Sarah suddenly attacked?! If she hit Justin's girlfriend, what would Justin do?!

   "Sarah?!" Justin's voice was far away, "Babe?! Where are you?!"

   Sarah's eyes lit up once more. She was about to dash off towards Justin when another voice was heard.

   "Sarah." this one was more... at the time, it was a little demanding, "Come here."

   Sarah growled. She turned to Shannon, smirked, and grabbed her by the tunic.

   "This is for coming here to make a pass at MY boyfriend." Sarah's smirk grew as she threw Shannon into the rock-less end of the river. The current was so fast that Shannon couldn't stop, even with her sword.

   Sarah then dashed off the opposite direction of the two voices.

   Shannon struggled to breathe as she flailed against the current. At this rate, she would be in the river by the three kingdoms: Sakura, Aya, and Katsu.

   "Shannon?!" Shannon barely heard Justin's voice. She felt a strong hand grab her wrist and pull her out of the river.

   "That damn river!" Justin growled at the river, "Stop being such an jerk of a river!!!"

   Shannon coughed up some water before getting back up. Someone balanced her.

   "Thanks." she was surprised to see it was not Justin that was holding her. It was another guy. He had spiky black hair, green eyes, and pale skin. And he wore a long sleeve white button-up shirt, black pants, and a pack of arrows and a bow were on his back.

   "Your welcome, milady." the boy kissed her hand.

   Shannon blushed lightly, "I'm Shannon, Friend to Mythical Creatures."

   "I am Prince Jeremy of the fairies." the boy bowed.

   "EH?!?" Shannon bowed as well. She had no idea that this guy was the Fairy Prince. She looked at his back and saw two large sparkling wings. The way they caught the light was rather beautiful. Wait... light?!

    "What time is it?" Shannon asked.

    "It's sunrise." Jeremy said, "My fair maiden, do you need to be somewhere?"

    "Well..." Shannon looked at Justin, who was still yelling at 'the dammed river', "I can stay a few minutes longer."

   Jeremy smiled, "My sweet, why were you in the river?"

   "That's what I want to know." Justin finally went over to them, "What happened?"

   "Well, I met your girlfriend." Shannon laughed nervously.

   Jeremy went quiet, "Sarah."

   Shannon shivered from his chilled voice, "Um... yeah."

   "She threw you in." Jeremy didn't even make it sound like a question, "Even if you accidentally fell in, she didn't help you. Either way, she didn't do something right. There's no way her wings will grow at this rate."

   "You are her brother, right?" Shannon asked.

   "Yes." Jeremy said, "Though she isn't a princess. She was once, but my father disowned her and she now has to live in the Brynhild forest. If she comes into Selene, any fairy has permission to shoot her down with a bow and arrows."

   Justin sighed, "That's why she won't talk to you, man. You assume she is a bad person."

   "Do not." Jeremy argued, "She just makes bad decisions. Like pushing OR not choosing to help Miss Shannon here."

   "Well, she could of got out herself." Justin argued back, "Shannon is a big girl."

   Shannon was a little angry at Justin, but it was only natural that he took the side of his girlfriend.

   "The current is going too fast." Jeremy said, "She would have drowned."

   Justin had nothing to argue back with. He knew it was true that Shannon would of drowned.

   "I-it's ok!" Shannon laughed nervously, "I'm fine! You guys helped me out! It's no big deal! Oh, would you look at the time?! I gotta go!"

   "Eh?!" Justin raised a brow, "Where are you going?"

   "Home." Shannon said, "Kameko-San is going to KILL me if she finds out I sneaked out here. I have to go now because she gets up at this time."

   "At least let us walk you home." Justin offered.

   "No way!" Shannon rejected him, "Kameko-San would shred you to pieces if she saw you with me."

   "Are you calling me weak?!" Justin shouted angrily, "You and the dammed river say the same damn things!!!"

   Shannon shook her head and took off towards her house.

   Justin pouted, "I bet her and the river are talking crap about me!! Dammed river!!! How dare you take Shannon away from me!!!"

   Jeremy was surprised at Justin sudden outburst. He chuckled, "Shannon is yours, huh?"

   "Yes!" Justin suddenly blushed after he said that, "Wait! I didn't mean it like that!!!"

   Jeremy just laughed, "Oh I KNOW what you meant."

   "Damn you, fairy!!!" Justin ran after the other boy.

   From a tree near the river was Sarah. She had watched the whole scene go down and was seething at how Justin had called Shannon "his". Sarah backed into the shadows, angrier at herself for letting another girl get to Justin.

   "That Friend will pay..."

...

   Shannon was outside training when Kameko came outside.

   "Aya." Kameko said, "I have to go to Nereus for a few days."

   Shannon gaped, "Please, Kameko-San! Don't go! Nereus is--"

   "Calm yourself, Aya." Kameko smiled, "I know its reputation, but I will be fine. I'm stronger than the old lady you seem to think I am."

   Shannon sighed, "Just be careful. Nereus is terrible... what if you are there when the goddess reeks her havoc--"

   "I will be fine." Kameko said, "Now, take care while I am gone. No funny business."

   "Of course, Kameko-San." Shannon bowed, "Have a safe trip."

   Kameko waved as she walked off to the continuation of Brynhild. It was the only way to the other cities in Amaterasu.

   Shannon watched until Kameko was out of sight. Then she dashed into the house and jumped onto the couch.

   "Now I can just relax for a few days." Shannon dozed off.

...

   Jeremy was hovering just above Justin's head, laughing.

   "Get down here!!!" Justin tried to jump for his friend.

   Jeremy stopped laughing when a figure was in his vision. It was an old woman walking down the path.

   "Justin." Jeremy said with his serious tone.

   Justin automatically stopped and looked behind him. The old woman was approaching them.

   "Oh? Hello, ma'am." Justin said politely, "Do you need help with anything?"

   The old woman simply walked passed him. Justin pouted.

   "Ma'am?" Jeremy got to the ground, "Do you need any help?"

   The old woman sighed, "No. I am simply going to Nereus."

   "I see." Jeremy said.

   "Why did she answer you and not me?!" Justin got jealous easily.

   "Because you look like a hooligan." the woman growled, "I don't like you so near my house either."

   "Near your house?" Justin looked back, "Hey, that's Shannon's house!"

   The old woman looked surprised, "You know Shannon? How?"

   Justin froze, "Um, did I say 'Shannon'? I meant, 'Kanon'! Yeah! That Kanon is a good friend of mine!"

   The woman's eyes narrowed, "Whatever. I will take my leave now."

   "Have a safe trip." Jeremy said politely.

   The old woman nodded as she walked passed them both.

   After a few minutes, she was gone and Justin began to talk.

   "That was probably Kameko-San." Justin said, "So that means..."

   "Shannon is home all alone." Jeremy smirked and nudged him.

   Justin's face grew red, "Stop it already!!!"

...

   It was dark by the time Shannon woke up from her little nap. She sighed knowing that she would be up all night. She got up and went up the stairs to her room.

   She opened the door and went inside. It was still the same as she left it. She began taking off her boots, and soon came her leggings and tunic, completely forgetting that her window was completely open.

...

   Justin walked towards Shannon's house, deep in thought. 'Jeremy thinks he knows everything, I swear! He's just like that dammed river!"

   The boy arrived and noticed that a window was open on the second floor.

   'I'll go through that window. I'll scare the crap outta her.' Justin laughed to himself as he jumped up onto the window ledge. What he saw was... more than he wanted to see.

   Shannon had only her bra and underwear on and was currently taking off the bra. She squeaked when she saw him.

   Justin's face let up, "U-uh... S-Shannon! I'm s-sorry!"

   Suddenly, Justin lost his footing and almost stumbled out of the window.

   "Justin!" Shannon ran over to the window and pulled him back in.

   Justin fell through the window and right on top of Shannon. He propped himself on his hands and knees and looked down at the pretty-much-naked-Shannon, who was blushing madly.

   "I-I--" Justin's face went red as he tried to apologize.

   The door suddenly swung open and Kameko came in, "Aya, I forgot to--"

   The two kids looked at Kameko and froze.

   "Aya. What is going on here?"

Author's Note

Jeremy is a completely new character. In the original, there was no prince of fairies. And Sarah wasn't even mentioned as a fairy or his sister. The chapter also ended differently. ^^ Hope you enjoyed.

Reviews

[SamBug]

This was really good. I enjoyed reading every bit of it!!! Good progress

[Ashimoto]

So. Much. Longer. Than. The. Original. The original first chapter seemed only a page long, but this one seems to be more than 4 pages! I'm very proud of you, Kasi-Chan~ The end of this chapter never even happened in the whole other version! You must be making this one more... adult or teenage than your other work. Keep it up, Kasi-Chan~ :D

[crazysox]

This is a great story, so far. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who writes about the awkwardest moments possible as a 12-year-old. :)
There were a few spelling mistakes and such that you should look back on. Also, the term is not 'would of' it's 'would have'. A lot of people pronounce 'have' the same way they pronounce 'of' which is why a lot of people write that, as well.
I think that's all I have to say about it. It's really good!

[Ace D Portgas]

Hmmm I think I would like to take a look at the original as well

I thought this was a pretty interesting chapter and contrary to what Dark Soul, I didn't mind the telling instead of the showing...I could picture all of this stuff happening in my head as Sarah threw Shannon in the water, Justin landing on top of an almost naked Shannon, you really painted a picture with this chapter, which is great!

As for characters the ones I seem to get a good grasp on his Jeremy who, judging by his wings seems to be the nice, gentleman type...(Reminds me of Aizen from Bleach, before his betrayal) and Sarah who is short tempered and a very jealous girl...Justin seems to be mad at the river lol and seems to switch back and forth...He struck me as kind at first but then we find out he yells at the river and dresses like a hooligan gives me seconds thoughts about him

Also if you didn't know a wooden sword is called a Bokken...I think it would be better if you said Shannon was practicing with her Bokken then put in parentheses what it is i.e. Bokken (A wooden sword)

Overall yes I thought this was a gret way to start the story off, I liked the dialogue between the characters, especially Jeremiah and Justin and it is something that catches my interest and would like to read more of...Also I liked that you ended it on a cliffhanger, I want to see how Kameko is going to react to this lol...But keep them coming

[Calypso]

I can tell you one thing, this is better then my first novel (which I too write when I was 12 and in 7th grade). The only problem I see is that it's too long.

[Rose of Gondor]

Kasi-Chan, first off BEFORE I start the review I want to tell you this: Keep in mind that I'm not trying to attack your characters or your story or you yourself personally because I'm NOT. I'm just being brutally honest. With that in mind, I'll start my review.

there's something I noticed in this chapter. You did more telling than showing. You TOLD about what they did instead of SHOWED. Now, sometimes you're TELLING instead of SHOWING because you have pictures in your head (you know, like the story's playing out like a movie in your head?) and you're just describing everything. Try to get inside the character's heads. I noticed something while comparing third person and first person. Both types uses point of views from the character! Now, I imagine that you might want to put the POVs with different people for the sake of the story. But you have to get in their heads to do that.

And, you need to develop your characters a bit more. So far, the only tidbit I got on a character was Sarah and her seemingly vengeful and jealous nature (I hope I got that right...)