Loss

Ali visits Bengt at the hospital while he is dying. Will Bengt tell Ali that he likes her, or will he die without a chance?

    Emelie had driven me to the hospital with her. We were meeting Hasse there to discuss Bengt’s condition. Apparently, Bengt had been diagnosed with Brainstem Glioma a few months ago. And apparently, Bengt had refused treatment. We were rushing to the hospital to see if he would live or not.
    I tried my hardest not to cry, but it was harder than I thought. How could he do this to me? This was the secret, I knew it was. Valeria was right when she thought that his secret and death were related. How could I have been so stupid?
    Then it hit me. The vomiting, the loss of balance, and the goodbye were all of Bengt’s ways of saying that he was leaving. No, he couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t let him.
    We reached the hospital in record time. Emelie was a crazy driver, and for that I was glad. We rushed inside to see Hasse sitting in the waiting room. His eyes were stained red and cheeks had tears on them.
    Emelie rushed to him and held him in her arms. Hasse motioned for me to join them. I sat in the seat next to Hasse.
    “H-how is he?” I was afraid to ask.
    “Not good,” Hasse said, “We knew this day would come as soon as he refused the treatment, but… I should have known it was going to be hard to say goodbye.”
    New tears cascaded down Hasse’s cheeks, and I reached up to ruffle his hair. His hand grabbed mine, and a small smile graced his face.
    “Thank you, Ali,” he said, “And I want to apologize for not telling you about Bengt’s condition. He did not want you to know about it. He was afraid that you would be sad.”
    “Well he was right about one thing,” I said softly, “It’s okay. I know why you did it. I would have done the same.”
    Emelie laid her head against Hasse’s shoulder. She looked anxious. It was really a shame that I couldn’t read her thoughts anymore. Emelie got up with determination and strode over to the receptionist.
    “Hasse?” I asked, “What happens if you lose your mind reading abilities? Can you ever get them back?”
    “You lost them, haven’t you?” Hasse replied, “I can still read your mind. You can only read Bengt’s now. Once he dies, then that’s it. You won’t be able to read another mind again. Are you okay with that?”
    I nodded and said, “I am. Bengt is the important to me. And understanding him is the only important thing right now. I… want to see him one last time.”
    Hasse ruffled my hair and said, “I know. And you will. I’ll make sure of it.”
    “Hasse?” I asked, “Do you have any other powers other than your mind reading?”
    Hasse put a finger to his lips and replied, “Now that is a secret.”
    I smiled. I wish I could still read his mind to find out, but he’d most likely block me anyways.
    Emelie sat down on the other side of Hasse, leaning against his shoulder. He put his arm around her shoulder and brought her closer. Looking at them reminded me of my parents. Were they in love like that before my dad left? I had no way of knowing. And I couldn’t read my mom’s mind to know now.
    As my thoughts were drifting elsewhere, a doctor came up to us with a clipboard in his hands. He took one look at Bengt’s parents and shook his head.
    “What’s going to happen?” I asked.
    The doctor looked at me and asked, “Who is this?”
    Hasse immediately replied, “This is our daughter. She is Bengt’s sister, Ali. Now please answer her question.”
    The doctor did not look convinced, but he continued anyway, “Bengt’s tumors have grown considerably in the last few months. If he had accepted treatment, he might have avoided this situation. However, considering the condition he is in now, I doubt he will make it through the night.”
    My heart fell. Why? Why didn’t Bengt just accept the treatment? Maybe he could have been alive for a few more years. So what if he went bald, I’d love him anyway. Bengt was Bengt no matter what he looked like.
    “We can let you visit him for a few hours,” the doctor finished, “But after that, we are pulling the plug.”
    Hasse nodded as the doctor left. Both Hasse and Emelie looked at me.
    “What?” I asked.
    “Go see him,” Hasse said, “He really wants to see you before he goes. He’s thought about you many times already.”
    “But,” I argued, “What about you guys? Don’t you want to see him too?”
    “Of course,” Hasse said, “But we can go after you. How’s that?”
    I nodded slowly. Getting up, I walked over to the receptionist and requested for Bengt’s room number.
    “Are you of familial relation?” the nurse asked me.
    “Yes, he’s my brother,” I said.
    “Alright. He’s in room 312.”
    “Thank you.”
    I tried not to run to his room. I had so many unanswered questions that might never be answered. I just wanted to see him. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted him to tell me that he was going to be okay. I had subconsciously sped up in my thoughts. Room 312 was approaching me rapidly.
    I stopped in front of it and inhaled deeply, turning the knob and walking in. Bengt was the only one in the room. We was hooked up to a life-support machine and a bunch of others I did not recognize. His hair was all intact, and his eyes were closed. Could he be sleeping?
    I didn’t wish to wake him up, but I really wanted him to speak to me now. I gently grabbed his hand and patted it.
    “Hey, Bengt,” I said slowly, “I don’t know if you can hear me, but… I want to know why. Why did you never tell me this? Why did you avoid me all this week? Why did you leave me alone?” Tears began to drop from my eyes. I wiped them away with my free hand.
    ‘I didn’t want it to end this way.’
    My head snapped up to see Bengt staring straight at me. My whole body shook as I gripped his hand harder.
    Bengt continued, ‘I didn’t want you to cry over me. I… never thought I’d meet something like you, Ali. When I was first diagnosed, I knew I would die eventually. So I refused treatment. I didn’t want people to know that I had cancer. I felt so embarrassed by it that I would have let it kill me before the treatment disfigured me.
    When I had gotten to your school, I was aiming to have friends that I would never get close to so this wouldn’t happen, but then I saw you. You were all alone, just like I was. I became unbearably attached to you even before you started speaking to me. I wanted to get to know you so badly that I completely forgotten that I was sick.
    We began speaking and growing closer, yet I still did not realize how dangerous it was. I made you stay with me even though I knew it was selfish on my part. I did not want you to stray from me even for a second. I felt truly terrible when I kept wishing that you could stay with me forever.
    As soon as they found out how close we were, my parents asked me if I wanted to tell you about the sickness. I made them promise not to tell. I told them that we could easily be separated, but deep down I knew that was a lie.
    When your mother found you, I was angry. I had threw things and screamed loudly. She had taken you away from me, and I felt like a child throwing a tantrum.
    Then your house burned down, and I saved Barry so that you wouldn’t cry anymore. I had expected you to grab Barry and hug him tightly, but you surprised me by hugging me instead. I felt so happy that you hugged me instead of him. I know how much you love Barry, and getting a hug before him seemed like I was finally winning.
    I brought you to my house, and watched you sleep. It sounds creepy, I know, but at the time I did not care. I watched the way your chest moved when you breathed, and I watched the way you moved yourself to get comfortable. I had contemplated on laying with you, but I decided not to.
    After you used my laptop, I came in and sat near you. You remember this, don’t you? I hugged you close to me, and I was sure you could hear my heart racing. I wove my fingers through your hair, and I finally had the courage to kiss you on the temple. Unfortunately, I scared you off with that, and I thought I had lost my chance. However, you kissed me on the cheek so tenderly that I tried to do the same, but I ended up being a little too enthusiastic about it.
    I realized it was then that I had to break myself away from you. I had said goodbye, intending on never speaking to you again. However, Fate had made me realize that the moment I met you was when it was too late.’
    I hadn’t realized I had sat in a chair during Bengt’s speech. I was too intend on listening.
    ‘Ali,’ Bengt continued, gripping my hand, ‘I… I really like you… No, that isn’t the right words…’
    Bengt intertwined our fingers together and said, ‘I’m in love with you.’
    I was shaking so hard that Bengt’s hand was moving quickly with mine. I knew it. He was in love with me. It was something much deeper than just liking me. How could I have not seen it?
    ‘Ali?’ Bengt asked, ‘Are you alright?’
    I growled, “No… No! I am not alright! You stupid, stupid man! How the hell could you do this to me?!”
    It was definitely not the reaction he was expecting. Bengt’s eyes widened as he said, ‘W-what?’
    “You heard me!” I continued, “You made me care for you by being my friend, saving me when I was homeless, protecting me from Mason, and now I find out that you have cancer and you are going to die soon! What have you done to me?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner so we could have saved each other both from this mess?!”
    Bengt looked at me with sad eyes. He asked, ‘Do you regret having known me?’
    The tone was so sad that it made my heart sink. I answered, “No. I do not. I would never regret it. You are my best friend, and you are the most important to me. More important than my own mother, more important than Barry even, you are so important to me that if I had to choose between yours and my own life, I would choose yours. You were the first to teach me that maybe people weren’t all bad. You easily made your way into my heart, and you stayed there even though I didn’t want you to.”
    Bengt smiled and looked at me with loving eyes. He said, ‘Close your eyes for me real quick.’
    I obeyed and felt him put something into my hand. It was large and cold. I opened them and say the picture of us in his vine frame.
    ‘I won’t need it where I’m going,’ he said, ‘I want you to have this one since yours is ashes now.’
    Damn it, Bengt! Why did you have to make me cry more tears?! I felt new ones emerging from my eyes at a rapid pace.
    “I’ll cherish it,” I told him.
    ‘I… have another request,’ he said shyly.
    “What is it?” I asked.
    ‘I… I never had my first kiss,’ he began, ‘I was wondering… if maybe you could be my first kiss?’
    “W-what?” I stammered, my face reddening quick. A kiss with Bengt? I had never thought of it before. Kissing Bengt was a whole new concept for me. He looked at me with pleading eyes, and I knew I couldn’t refuse.
    “A-alright,” I agreed, “But only one kiss.”
    Bengt nodded and pulled me down to him. I felt my heart beat quicken as his lips graced mine gently. Suddenly, he deepened the kiss. He put his hand behind my head to keep me from running away. I was panicking. I thought it was going to be a sweet and chaste kiss. I never expected Bengt to actually kiss me like this.
    I heard his heart monitor beep faster, which made my face redden further. I began slowly moving my lips against his. I felt my lips moistening with our buss, and heard Bengt make a soft noise in his head. I suddenly felt Bengt’s tongue lick my bottom lip. Subconsciously, I shyly opened my mouth slightly to allow his in. When I felt his tongue dance with mine, I yelped in surprise.
    Bengt’s heart monitor was beeping like crazy, which was a signal for us to definitely stop or else the nurses would come in. Our lips separated, and a string of saliva connected them. I wiped it away in embarrassment.
    I stared at Bengt, who was panting (a noise he could make without vocal cords) and trying to get his heart rate to slow down.
    ‘Amazing,’ Bengt said softly, ‘I never thought a kiss could feel like that… Why hadn’t I done it earlier?’
    I ignored his and pressed my fingers to my lips. It was my first kiss too. His lips were gone, but I could still feel their presence on mine. They tingled.
    ‘Thank you, Ali,’ Bengt said, ‘I’m glad that you were my first kiss.’
    “I’m glad that you were mine,” I said shyly.
    Bengt smiled widely and motioned for me to crawl into the hospital bed with him.
    “Is it okay for me to get in there?” I asked.
    He nodded. I didn’t wait for him to further convince me. I crawled right in and laid my head on his chest. His heart thumped in excitement under my ear. He wrapped one arm around me and closed his eyes. I decided to mirror him and close my eyes as well.

…

    “Ali?” I heard Hasse’s voice as I was shaken awake.
    I woke up to see Hasse and Emelie in the room with Bengt and I. Bengt was awake and smiling at me.
    “What’s going on?” I asked.
    Hasse hesitated, “We’ve already said goodbye. It was while you were asleep. We didn’t want to wake you.”
    “Already said goodbye?” I asked again.
    ‘They are going to pull the plug, Ali,’ Bengt said calmly.
    I froze. All the memories came back to me. The tears that I had finally gotten rid of rose up once more.
    “No…” I begged, “Please don’t leave me.”
    ‘I’m sorry, Ali,’ Bengt said, kissing my hand, ‘I have to go.’
    Hasse gently pried me away from his son. Bengt still held my hand in his. The doctor came in and stood next to Bengt. He was clearly ready to pull the plug and not care if he is taking a precious life away.
    ‘Bye, mom. Bye, dad.’ Bengt said.
    “Bye, son,” Hasse said. Emelie said the same in her Sign Language.
    He turned to me with one last smile and said, ‘Bye, Ali. I’ll miss you. I wish we could have been in love a little longer.’
    I nodded, agreeing, “I wish that too.”
    Bengt let go of my hand and laid back into the bed with his eyes closed. Hasse pulled me out of the room, and then I heard the heart monitor flat line.
    My knees could hold me up any longer. I had just lost my best friend, and the most important person I would ever have. I couldn’t take it as I sunk to the floor, chocked with sobs. Why did he have to die like this?
    Hasse pulled me up with gentle hands and took me over to the waiting room where he sat me on a chair.
    “Ali,” Hasse said, bending on one knee to be at my level, “Bengt loved you very much, and you’ve made him very happy. I’m am truly grateful that you brought so much joy to him in the little time that he had. Thank you so much.”
    “I couldn’t get rid of him even if I wanted to,” I joked lightly, wiping tears from my eyes.
    I felt Emelie embrace me, her body wracked with sobs. Hasse wrapped his arms around both of us and squeezed. I didn’t hold back this time, I let all my tears fall down my cheeks.

…

    The funeral was held a week later. Hasse and Emelie decided to cremate him like he wanted. However, they decided to hold a little funeral for all his friends to come and see him once last time before he was incinerated.
    I had put on my best dress, and only dress, for the occasion. I had even put a bowtie on Barry. I stared at Bengt’s lifeless, yet peaceful face and gently put my hand in to caress it. His cheek was soft, as it had always been, but it was cold as ice. He would be warm soon. I felt more tears forming in my eyes as I held Barry to my chest. Suddenly, an idea came to me. I looked at Barry and gulped.
    “Barry, you have been with me since the beginning,” I began, wiping tears away, “Now I want you to stay with Bengt. I’m sure he would like some company up in Heaven. Do you think you can do this one last thing for me?”
    I clenched Barry. It was going to be hard to part with him so soon after losing Bengt, but I could feel that Barry was ready. Barry owed his life to Bengt, and wanted nothing than to make me happy. I kissed him on the forehead before putting him in the casket with Bengt.
    “Goodbye, friend,” I said as I walked away.
    I was not more than ten feet away when I was met with Greg, Mark, and Trevor. The three of them were dressed up in their best suits. They all looked very handsome.
    “Guys,” I began, “Look, I’m sorry for what I did. I know I don’t deserve your friendship, or your trust. I just want you to know that I am so sorry for what I had caused, and it has been in my mind since the day I had planned it. I can no longer read minds, so your secrets are safe from me. And all the files I kept were burned. So please, forgive me?”
    I couldn’t read any of their minds. It was true, I lost my power completely. I deserved it. Bengt was the only one I ever wanted to use my power for. I could give it up though. I was a chance to start anew. No more would I have to worry about what others thought.
    Greg took a deep breath before saying, “Apology accepted. However, the question still remains: are you going to forgive yourself?”
    I nodded and replied, “Yes. I will.”
    The guys crowded around me and began talking excitedly. I felt so much better now. I had my friends back, the ones who actually cared. And it was all thanks to Bengt. I owed him big time.

Author's Note

I cried so many times while writing this. The feels, the feels! T^T This is not the last chapter, by the way. Hope you enjoyed.

Reviews

[Ali]

all have you know that I read this whole chapter and only cried for 30 minutes. (terrible spongebob reference ) .this was soo good.