January 7,2012. 10:00 PM

The fear of losing someone its almost as bad as losing someone. I get this unbearable feeling in my heart, it travels through my arms to my hands then from my legs to my feet. My heart literally hurts at the thought of losing someone I love. My eyes get teary just thinking about it. I have lost two important people in my life my grandfather and my cousin. My grandfather taught me how to low who I am and spent the most time trying to figure me out. I hope he is proud of me. My cousin I probably just a nuisance to him, I'm sorry for that, I really wish I could have know you better than I did the last thing I remember I you is wing at your new house you were moving into and you showed me you had a tire swing. I remember you and I laughing at how we kept falling off. Maybe it was just a dream I had about you but I tell my self it was real so if I can't have any real memories of you i can at least have a joyful fictional one. I try not to think about how dreadful and terrifying your death must have been. To be practically blown up. YOu probably heard the explosion and as you were being gusted to the ground you  had a ringing in your ear. Maybe you thought it was god or an angel, but I know it was from the extremely loud bang of the provoking outburst. The reason I am thinking about losing people is I found a book at my fathers house titled "exercises to recovering " and I fear his health isn't doing well at all, it's scary and I pray at night that he has good health. I also pray that my sisters baby is born completely healthy and normal. I couldn't bare it if there was something wrong with the newborn. I know she would be so heart broken, she would probably blame her self too. If only I could tell people what I feel then i wouldn't have to write it down in such horrible manuscript and grammar. I try to be as happy as possible during the day, act like I have no fears. But then when the moon comes out I feel as if I have changed into a new  being. One who cannot control her emotions and I feel I must break down and cry. I lay in my bed at night wondering what is troubling me and why. Sadness. It is a ghost who haunts me. And just like all ghosts it comes at night, and makes me feel that i am not at ease.