Caffein Bear

A Story by Karl Herzog

Like Cocaine Bear except a Bear develops a caffeine habit which has peculiar effects on his brain.

Caffeine Bear
By K.Herzog, Edited by R.R. Herzog

Chapter 1: Caffeine Crash

“You should’ve made the turn back there!!”, Screeched Matilda, a heavy brunette lady wearing her best Sunday dress. A thin gold crucifix decorated with blue flowers was shinning on her yellow chest. Her Ned Flanders look-alike husband shrugged his shoulders in resignation, waiting for the standard smack across the head.
“I’m sorry!”, Roger cried in a whiney tone. Matilda glared at her husband with narrow blue eyes bordered with bushy, black eyebrows. Roger immediately realised his second error and turned to face his angry wife, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel of the delivery van. “I mean, I’m sorry Matilda.”
That was the moment Roger, suddenly noticed from the corner of his eye a big brown shape in the middle of the road. Matilda yelled, “ROGER!!”, as if it was his fault there was something in the way. Matilda grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left. The Van crossed the left lane, swerved off the road, down a ditch and in crashed into a thick pine tree. The overweight women refused to wear a seatbelt because it was ‘not part of God’s law’ and so she flew headfirst through the windshield. She looked like massive cannon ball clad in a yellow maxi dress as she hit the tree. Roger bumped his head hard on the steering wheel. Stunned, he murmured, “Errrrr, help me…lord, His face was embedded into the steering wheel. He was only half aware of the heavy footsteps coming down the green, grassy slope, a sound suggesting the approach of a heavy four footed creature. Roger’s eyes were only half open as he tried pulling his head out of the steering wheel only for the wheel to come loose as it was stuck to his head. Roger looked up, turning his head painfully to the left where the side mirror hung off the car. The reflection showed a large mass of brown fur walking along the van, sniffing the walls as it made its way to the crumpled front where the van merged with the thick pine tree. What was worse for Roger was he could also see in the broken side mirror the steering wheel around his head like a cartoonish halo and the white 20kg sacks of coffee beans trailing behind the crashed van, back doors wide open.
‘Oops…the good people at Glory Beans are going to be disappointed….’, Roger thought, realising he didn’t shut the back doors properly.

Chapter 2: Caffeine Fix

“Please don’t eat me, Mamma…or Pappa Bear.” Those were Roger’s last words as he slipped away into unconsciousness. But the Bear was more interested in the contents that came pouring out of the van. The side door bore the logo of the chain of café’s they were meant to deliver the coffee beans to, Glory Beans. But of course, the Bear couldn’t read the logo or understand what was going on. The Brown Bear sniffed back to the rear of the van and got a whiff of the coffee beans. It stuck its nose into a bag that was open and got a powerful whiff of the beans. The caffeine went straight to its brain, hair stood up on its back, its ears picked up and eyes opened wide. The bear pictured berries and nuts in its mind as it started munching on a mouth of coffee beans, giving it an even more powerful caffein hit. If it could have spoken it might have uttered words such as ‘Berries, nuts, crunchy, forest, trees, wood…. good.’ These images and good feelings went through its mind as it got more stimulated and excited. The bear stood up, picked up the opened bag with its paws and poured more beans into its mouth, like German with a pint of Beer at Octoberfest.

MUNCH -MUNCH -MUNCH

The bear eventually dropped the bag, inhaled deeply through its nostril’s, and opened its mouth in a dog like grin, then roared. The trees around it shook, birds flew away chirping as the bear took another breath and made a satisfied grunt while forming an approximation of the word “good” In its mind. It then ate some more coffee beans and got even higher on the caffeine. Then with its newfound sensation of euphoria , it bolted off into the forest with a tremendous burst of energy.

Chapter 3: Caffeinated Rampage

The crash site remained unnoticed all day which allowed the Bear to revisit the site, chew on coffee beans and then run back into the forest to burn off its coffee high. Backwards and forwards from broken van into the forest, the supply of coffee sacks diminished as the day rolled on. By nightfall the caffein and fatigue of the day caught up with the Bear. So it retreated to its cave but couldn’t sleep. Pacing around the mouth of its cave the Bears ears picked up a horrible sound off in the distance, the faint smell of burning wood and worse of all…. tiny, whining, annoying humans.
“C’mon guys, you can sing louder than that. Sing…!!”
The Cub Master standing in front of the bon fire with acoustic guitar strapped to his torso demanding of his Cubs. The children complained but started singing as loud as they could.
“KOOM BY YA, MY LORDDDDDDD….”
Brown Bear was confused. It could smell fire which was bad but then it could smell something like the crunchy, dark brown beans it had been eating. Only it smelt nicer than what he had that morning. But then it heard the horrible sound of humans making loud, awful noises. It ran to the source of the smell and the horrible sound. Making the edge of the campground, the bear hunched down and could see the source of the smell, coming from a large metal pot near the fire. If it could just get rid of the annoying little humans it could investigate the delicious aroma further.
‘ROOOOOOOOOAR!!’
The Bear thought that would scare the little people but instead they remained still and silent except for low mutterings.
“What was that?” A child spoke. Another one just giggled.

The joker in the pack said, “It’s a music critic from The Voice.”
The Cub Scouts laughed except for the Cub Master. This angered the bear and so he charged out of the forest like an angry bull. The Cub Master lost his nerve and panicked. “Oh my God! Run, kids!”
The Cub Scouts needed no encouragement and without thinking, they ran screaming into the large tent they used for a dining hall. This should have made the bear chase them but it slowed to a steady walking pace and went towards the fireplace. The Cub Scouts and their leader looked on as they hid behind turned over tables and chairs. The bear found the pot of coffee and placed its snout into the opened pot testing the heat.
‘Sunshine warm.’ Was its reaction. It touched the liquid coffee with the tip of its tongue and then enthusiastically picked up the pot, arose, stood up on hind legs, and raised the pot, sculling down the warm, brown liquid like a kid drinking a chocolate thick shake on a hot summer’s day.
“It’s ignoring us….and drinking my coffee!” The Cub Master whispered, not knowing what to do about the situation. That’s when he noticed some of his pack of Cub Scouts recording the scene on their mobile phones.

Finishing the pot, the Bear stretched while on hind legs, its eyes wide open. Again feelings flashed through its mind which could have translated as ‘Crunchy beans �" fire �" water - beans �" drink �" good!’ With this new discovery it dropped to all fours and ran back into the forest.

Chapter 4: Christian Coffee Crime Gang

“She’s dead, sir. He’s dead, sir. They’re both dead, sir.” The grey suited man said as the Sunday morning shone through pine trees, like a spotlight on the crashed supply van. His petite, auburn haired boss stood with hands on shoulders, looking very unimpressed.
“Gee, ya’ think so Gary?” The duo wore grey suits as this was the uniform of their Christian Cult. Their cult was using the money from its chain of cafés to fund their church and the Gay Conversion Therapy Programs that they ran in secret. Gary stood up and scratched his balding head. Phillip, the boss, looked down and noticed the trail of paw prints. “Those look like Bear prints. They seem to be in a repeated pattern to and from the back of the van…” He looked at the back of the van, glanced down at the trail and then up towards the forest edge. And into the forest. The supply is all gone…you don’t think…?”
Phillip was stumped contemplating a the possibility that a bear may have stolen their payload. He looked at Gary’s dopey face and felt stupid for asking. “Disregard. Garry, our payload is missing, and I can see some specks of coffee beans along this trail of footprints. We’re going for a walk in the forest.”
Gary had noticed the odd trail of coffee beans. He didn’t say anything, just followed his boss into the forest but the whole time he felt uneasy, like they were being watched. The two were an unlikely pair in that Phillip was arrogant and abrupt but Garry was a bit slow witted and tended to be compliant when ordered about by people he regarded as being in charge. They may have looked like Mormons in grey suits but often they behaved more like gangsters, which is basically what they were when dealing with their coffee business. They were also very dedicated to their Cult. As they walked the forest all that day until sundown. Then they noticed that the faint trail of coffee beans led to a cave. They stood well away from the cave mouth, staring up the slope that led to it.
“I don’t fully understand what’s happening here, Garry. Bear prints and cave aside, we do have a looter at hand, and we need to retrieve that coffee. Did you bring your pistol?”
Garry pulled out a snub nose revolver from the leather holster inside his grey suit jacket. “Of course I did, sir. This is America, I wouldn’t leave home without it.”

Phillip looked back to where Garry stood holding the pistole like he was in James Bond poster. Phillip chuckled. “That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said all day, Garry.” He pulled out his own Glock pistol from the back of his belt, cocked I,t and took the safety off as he held it our ready for action. “Come along, Gary. I’m not sure if we’re dealing with looters or a gifted and curious Bear. Either way we need to be ready.”
They walked tactfully towards the mouth of the cave and entered it carefully. Garry nervously muttering Christian hymns to himself. Phillip would normally tell him to ‘shut up’, but his mind was distracted. He thought, ‘These Doc Martins are good! They can be worn to the office, out in the street and they can even handle walking through this forest and then…’ His thoughts were distracted from admiring the new shoes he had brough before the mission. The two men were stunned at what they saw inside the cave.

Chapter 5: Caffeine Stimulates the Brain

The inside of the cave was set up like a Hermits luxury apartment. There was a PC set up, a TV, a lounge chair, stacks of National Geographic and Time Magazines, and books on mechanics. But no piles of 20kg sacks of coffee beans. “So, we are dealing with a looter after all”, Phillip said as he breathed a sigh of relief.
Garry stood up, letting his guard down. “That’s good to know, boss. For a moment I though we were up against something weird.”
Phillip pointed around the cave, “Signs of a looter but no loot. Where’s the payload?” They noticed the trail of coffee beans did a loop around the unusual set up and further back into the cave. Phillips eyes opened wide, a nervous tingling sensation broke out over his body, he had goose bumps and a sudden theory came to him. “The van…. he’s gone back to the van. Garry, the looter was watching us this whole time. He took the loot back to the van!”
Garry scratched his head. “But the van is crashed, sir. How could anyone drive it?”

Phillip spun around to look at Garry. “Its front is crumpled but the van may still be driveable. C’mon, we must go back to the van.”

They scurried out of the cave and down the slope. As soon as they reached the faint but still visible trail of coffee beans, they followed it until they got close to the crash site. Phillip and Garry noticed they never saw shoe prints, just bear tracks. They stopped and looked at each other quizzically. Approaching the crashed van with caution they jumped when they heard the engine roar then the van reversed, breaking free of the pine tree.
Philip thought, ‘How is this even possible?’ But things got weirder when he saw a big, brown, furred shape in the driver’s seat gripping the steering wheel with massive paws. The bear looked over at Phillip and Garry, let out an odd grunting sound that resembled laughter and waved its left paw at them. Then with its paws on the steering wheel it drove away down the highway like a normal human would but shedding a few pieces of the van as it did so. The men looked at each other in disbelief.
Garry was the first to speak up. “What the hell do we do now, boss?”
Phillip just looked at him. “I don’t know Garry. There’s only so many ways you can report that a bear has stolen a crashed van.”

THE END