On Definition of Depression.

Possibly triggering. Do not read if you're sensitive to mental health things and gruesome topics.

     The poem you've presumably just finished reading may seem rather "out of the blue" taking my usual writing into account. The tone is, doubtless, astonishing to those who hadn't before realized that I have intimate knowledge of the subject. Well, surprise! I should first and foremost state that I am unashamed to discuss this. I don't incline to shy away from the weighted subjects. In fact I speak quite openly about my own hardships with mental health. The cause can be simply put; when I began to acknowledge happiness slowly slipping away from my everyday, and began to feel the effects of general hopelessness I didn't look around and see a warm community with open arms, ready to lift me from the perils I was enduring. Rather, I didn't even have a basic definition for what I was experiencing for a few years. Almost like being condemned to a rotten cell on a charge you were never informed of. I learned much later than what would've been helpful, I was struggling with depression; a chemical imbalance of the brain that negatively impacts your ability to create serotonin, the "happy" hormone. My depression was and has been intertwined with unrelenting anxiety; a mental health disorder characterized by worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily life.

     General hopelessness turned to self loathing, and oozed into several areas of my life. There was not a single thing I could deem positive as I looked in the mirror, despite spending hours at a time staring down my reflection. To be fair, I was hallucinating exaggerated features. I heard and internalized gimmicks and falsehoods about what was considered beautiful and "perfect", and looking back at myself I was anything but. I began skipping breakfasts, simply "not being hungry after just waking up". Then lunch was ixnayed, as "school lunches are terrible anyway."  Dinner would roll around and I would dread the sight of a full plate. The smell of my favorite meals became repugnant. Little by little, portions turned to morsels, turned to nothing. I would deprive myself of food for days at a time. Often feeling exhausted, constantly on the verge of fainting, my mental state only worsened. My days would cloud up and merge together, my studies suffered, creativity dried up, my self esteem plummeted. Could it even plummet further; surprisingly yes. My shape receded; I was a shrinking girl. Bones began to reveal themselves, the dark circles under my eyes only deepening their shade. I had a plan though. The plan was, this decay was going to be the end of me. I wanted to die. I learned much later than the prime time to nip it in the bud, that I was enduring disordered eating. The first was bulimia; a disorder involving distortion of body image and obsession with weight loss, accompanied by bouts of extreme overeating followed by shame, depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting; the second was anorexia; distorted body image, with an unwarranted fear of being overweight motivating one to maintain a below-normal weight through starvation and/or rigorous and extensive exercise.

     Self loathing became a death wish, one I've attempted to act upon on several occasions. This subject I am very much disinclined to discuss. I will not divulge the gritty details of each event for the sake of my mental state and yours, but these events are undoubtedly the darkest I've ever lived through. This I am ashamed of. I do not proudly wear the scars I inflicted on myself. They are not a badge, they are not a reminder of my strength, but one of a time I was so mentally and physically weak I considered death easy compared to staying alive. I do not walk past the exact spots I chose as my final position everyday as if nothing happened. It did take immense strength to rise up from the black tar I was sinking in, but I believe the actions I took speak on behalf of my strength rather than the worst moments of my life. The first step I took was education. 

     Just as you cannot attempt to treat a disease you haven't diagnosed, you can't even begin to do the work it takes to heal, rebuild and relearn before you can identify what it is that ails you. This I had to do on my own. I suffered alone, in cold dark silence and alone I stayed through the gruesome rehabilitation. I didn't know I wasn't the only one since mental health has been such a taboo discussion. We all face hardship in our own way; some of us more than others as my story illustrates. However, I having grown beyond who I once was; with plenty of growing and healing left to do; can confirm with absolute certainty, definition is the beginning to everything. This is what Definition of Depression is all about. This is the conversation I wish to initiate. Depression is commonly misunderstood. It is not in fact inquiring for attention nor is it just simple sadness, but a condition that interferes with one's life. It has prompted many to succeed in doing what I failed to. It has brought worse feelings and conditions than I myself have undergone. My story is one of many, though it is my earnest wish it provides clarification to the skeptical that everything you thought you knew about mental health is likely false. Seeing as it is now September, deemed Suicide Prevention Month it is the opportune moment to educate. Whether you or someone you know needs this information, it is of utmost importance we cease to perpetuate falsehoods that send the hurting into worse turmoil. 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 

800-273-8255

Reviews

[Odette Uzamukunda]

This truly touched my heart and thanks for not being so shy to share such an experience with us, because I believe there are some people like I who will learn a lot from this.
You did such a great job by overcoming this sickening disease torturing the young nowadays.

[Karissa A. Kelly]

Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I'm so very glad that I was able to reach even just one person with my story, and I'm incredibly happy to see it be a learning experience for others. I'm so grateful for your feedback. :)