Chapter 2 Hoping and Searching

CHAPTER TWO

Hoping and Searching

If you've ever walked without thinking of where you are going and ended up where you needed to be you'll know what I mean by this. My feet found the familiar old welcome mat of Sid's place. Mr. and Mrs. Welsh were retired and almost always home. I liked being around them because they were really hopeful about Sid too, they were the only people happy to see me still convinced that she would be back again. It had only been just over a year….everyone else had quit hoping, and had long since quit searching. Sid's father always kept an eye out though, always walking around the places she used to frequent with the excuse that he needed to get out. He said that he found peace in tracing her footsteps. I knew it was a bunch of crap. I couldn't stand going anywhere Sid and I had been without her, it just added to the finality and reminded me how much a part of me she was. I had only been dating Sid for about two years, and we had been moving really slow. I can't imagine losing a girl like Sid when she'd been around almost two decades of your life. I decided to turn back and get the Welsh's some breakfast, but as I turned I felt a strong hand fall over my shoulder. "We just got done making some eggs, bacon, and toast….why don't you go in and grab ya some…you look like you're dropping weight…..you don't want an old man like me to be able to kick yer butt to bad now do ya?" Said an old slightly raspy voice with a slight lilt suggestive of the merriment he took from his teasing. His bright blue eyes shone just a little bit, even if they were bloodshot. I guess maybe having me around helped their spirits some too. Sid had stayed living with them since they were in town, so they were reminded so often in so many ways that she may not ever come home. I playfully smacked him on the back, "you're right old man…..I gotta keep this badboy body in shape. Can't keep your daughter in enough trouble of I lose too much muscle now." I winked over my shoulder as he shook his head, and headed in to see to getting some of the breakfast Mrs. Welsh had put together.

Mrs. Welsh was an amazing cook. Glad as I was for the optimistic company, my stomach might have been even happier. I guess I had sort of lost my appetite since Sid's disappearance. But, somehow I almost always feel a bit more like I'm near her when I'm with her family. She has a younger brother too. He's just finishing up high school. He's probably still crashed out in his room. He doesn't seem to be taking Sid's disappearance very well either. He's a pretty quiet guy normally, but he's virtually stopped talking. Anything he says comes out in one or two word phrases and anything beyond that he just won't communicate. I feel like I owe it to Sid to be there for Marcus, and I care about the guy, he's a cute kid. So, I figure that the best thing for a troubled man is to fill his stomach, and then you can talk to him. I loaded some more of those fluffy eggs and crispy applewood bacon onto a plate for Marcus and headed to his room. The door was cracked so I nudged it with my foot. I had silverware in one hand and a plate in the other, to mention his room just barely passes for not being bio hazardous. I take that back…if I was showing signs of depression over Sid; Marcus has to be in some medical dictionary somewhere as the classic case of a complete psychological meltdown. You could not see his floor, I don't mean you saw patches of it, I mean it was literally not visible at all. There was clothing and dishes, trash, and games, magazines, and photographs scattered all over his floor. Also, he wasn't sleeping in his bed…he was curled up in his closet….with a photo of his family all together. Poor guy. Yeah, he needs someone to talk to and to be there for him right now. He's not taking any of this well, I should have been here before now…I'd been selfish, only thinking of how hurt I was and how I missed Sid. I sat the food on his bed, in an area that at least looked clean. Marcus had the same golden brown hair as Sid, but his eyes were a startling green. Marcus mumbled when I tried waking him and fluttered his eyes open for a moment, started to slump deeper down into the closet, and then started awake. AIDEN! Dude! What are you doing in my room!? To say he was angry was an understatement, to say he was embarrassed though, was probably more concise. But as I said, feed a guy, then talk to him. I grabbed the plate off the bed, it and wordlessly shoved it towards the startled and irritated boy. It worked…..he took it started on a few bites, stopped….and asked again without that edge of anger and hysteria, "So, you still haven't said, why are you in my room?" My brain started whirring for a response that wouldn't bruise his ego, and wouldn't come across as presumptive. "I thought you might want food." That was it? That's great….that's all….now how do you go from eggs to "Hey about your missing sister and that HAZMAT fee your parents are going to have to shell out for cleaning"…..yeah there's a little gap there I guess. He filled it in while I was mentally criticizing my lack of social skills. "Thanks"…he said in monotone, pausing he added, "I need to get my bike fixed today, I start a summer job tomorrow and it's too far to walk….is there any way you could give me a lift? I just need a new tire, and to buy some reflectors for when I work late." Perfect, I thought….it'll give us some one-on-one time and I can bring this all up casually. "Sure" I said, "Why don't I come get you around noon and we can grab some burgers and head to the bike place? I'll cover the food." Marcus really does like the local burger place and the shakes; it worked as bribery for the many times I snuck Sid away at night to come stay with me. It let me know just how bad he really was, when he kept his monotone, and his eyes had a dull "nothing matters" kind of look in them that were in perfect sync with his "sounds good, I'll see you then man." He left me standing in his room and shuffled past me towards the bathroom. It was going to take a lot more than a chocolate shake from B&D Burgers to make this better, maybe nothing would make it really alright….but it didn't look like either one of us could afford to think like that.

One the way out I ran into Mrs. Welsh, she didn't show the emotional wear and tear the way Marcus did. She was one of those people who were perpetually warm and friendly to everyone. You could tell though, if you'd taken the time to really get to know her, that she was hurting too. At least I could. As I saw her at the foot of the big wooden staircase first, I came down and gave her a hug. It wasn't a usual type of interaction for us, but I thought that she might like some comfort. She spoke first, breaking in a hug in a flurry of motherly attentiveness "Aiden, have you eaten?….Charlie and I just made breakfast, and there's plenty left….you really ought to go get yourself some. I know how you college boys eat…..right out of the microwave. That isn't healthy for you, you know." I laughed. "Thanks Mrs. Welsh…..I actually DID go and get some of your amazing breakfast, your husband invited me to help myself. I flushed at not having waited to ask Sid's mom first, thinking with my stomach not my head…..Mrs. Welsh cut into my thoughts "Aiden", she said with a playfully authoritative tone, "When are you going to start calling me Sue, you know I HATE Mrs. Welsh….that's not even my mother, that's my granny." We'd had this conversation before and I'd always been raised to call parents by last names only, as a demonstration of respect. But, considering our shared woes and the closer bonds we were forming, I seemed appropriate to acquiesce to her request. "Sorry, Sue!" I said "You sure don't look anything like anyone's grandma. Charlie's a lucky man." I put of my best mischievous grin "You Welsh woman sure are beautiful!" I exclaimed, finishing with a wink. Sid's family is Southern, if you haven't deducted that by now, they're from Oklahoma, so maybe not SOUTH south, but Southern. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Sue went to pop the back of my head for my impish comment. Like any normal college boy, I'd learned to dodge the various forms of reprimand my witty humor tended evoke.

I laughed that "you can't get me" kind of laugh and headed towards the door and a leisurely pace, I know when a whap to the head is properly owed to me. I got it too, and laughed even more. "Hey Sue, I'm going to pick Marcus up at about noon for lunch and some bike parts if that's alright." "Sure hun, he could use the company and the time out." Sue said delicately; her tone implied what she and I didn't want to voice. He was sad, she was sad, everyone was sad…..Sid was gone. I was at a loss for what to say next, and I suppose it was one of those moments where there just isn't anything to say. So I said to Sue with the best smile I could muster "See you again at noon Sue." With that, I continued out the door.

I knew I owed it to Sid and to her great family to be there and be supportive, but once I made it back to the house I let out an audible sigh of relief. It's not easy to keep a cheerful demeanor around people who know you so well, and know your hurt as exactly as someone else can possibly know it. It wasn't too far off noon, 10:30, so I decided to hop into the beat up old Ford Ranger, who was my lifeline right now, and head out to where Sid and I went together for some peaceful time alone.

The park wasn't far off, and the animals were always out at this time of year, and oftentimes with young new offspring. It was one of Sid's favorite places; she'd actually taken me here after we'd been dating for a while. I didn't want to see the animals today though. I parked the truck and headed away from Wheating Farms proper and down one of the beat up trails beside all the land used for farming. After a good 10 minutes of walking I recognized the slight irregularity in the gravel path, where it branched into the dirt between the trees by a few feet. Aside from the slight gap in the trees, this early in the year when everything was dirt, the gravel going into the trees was the only indicator of Sid and my path. Later when the melt-off came from the mountains the grass would green up and there would be a distinguishable worn trail through it, but it didn't matter….we'd walked our path so many times I think I'd find it even if I'd gone blind. It was the one place left that I could "find" Sid. It was our place, and it felt sometimes like I was drawn to it by some unseen force. I would feel tired and heartbroken and end up here at the start of this path, and as I walked to its end all the sorrow and despair would fade back, it felt like, tiny little bits every footstep. I got to the end pretty quickly today; I think I was desperate for some solace. I sat down on the big fallen tree trunk and then laid down across its length. The canopy of trees was thick enough that I only saw bits of glittering light through the many shades of green leaves. It was peaceful, the little bits of streaming light warming me, the smell of dirt, and plant, and fresh air…..it was Sid, Sid was my summer.

I don't prey, I'm not religious, and I confess that the idea of talking to someone who isn't there has baffled me, until that moment that is. In that moment, I felt like Sid would hear what I had to say, like she had to, like it was impossible for her not to, because everything around me was Sid.

"I miss you Sid..." I whispered quietly to the wind around me, "I wish I knew where to find you…..where to even start looking…..that I had a clue that you were safe even." My voice started to break, so I fell into silence. I let my hand fall into the dirt on either side of the log, it was cool and damp….and pointy? Wiggling my fingers around in the spot I'd been poked by some object that clearly wasn't dirt I heard a tiny scrapping sound of metal against metal. The feeling of Sid should have vanished with my distraction, but it felt counter intuitively stronger. I pushed myself up and dug at the spot of dirt. What I found made me feel simultaneously the happiest I've been in almost a year now….and the single most desperate feeling man on the planet….I was sure of it.