Chapter One She's Not In the Past

CHAPTER ONE

She's Not in The Past

I'm pretty familiar with waking in a cold sweat. It has been the norm lately. While I waited for my heart rate to return to normal I started reflecting on the dream he'd been having, as if it held the key to fixing his problems. I'd been running through really poorly lit old hallways. The building was old, you could tell because the electrical lines went through little white tubes that were attached to the wall. Everything was worn out too, the paint was a peeling yellow-white, and in some places was worn so that you could see the layers of different colored paint that marked a number of passing years.

Although I couldn't think of a particularly good reason as to why, I was terrified and in a hurry, I was there for a reason. That too, wasn't really surprising…..since She had disappeared virtually all of my dreaming was taking on the form of hurrying and searching someplace for someone people keep telling me I will never find.

Unlike everyone else though, I'm positive she is still alive. Sleep was a no go, so attempting to relax, I began to cycle through the question that was becoming more and more of a tormentor every day without Her. Do I think she is still alive because I need her to be, or because she might actually still be alive? For a long time this very question played Cuisinart with his heart, Aiden thought to himself. Finally, just yesterday in fact, he recalled, he had decided that she was alive because she was too strong and too brilliant to be really gone.

As I felt myself begin to drift off again the little clip that constantly replayed in my head did so once more, the last moments with Sid. Sidney was full of complexity. She had pretty golden brown hair and eyes just a little darker than honey. She was tall, but pretty curvy. She had a slight sway when she walked, and even though she was oblivious, he knew, her walk dropped the jaws of many men. She had an addiction to boots, and her favorite pair was some beat up brown ones they always wore hiking. She'd had them on the day she went missing. Actually, funny as most people would think it was, he remembered exactly what she looked like that day. She'd had on those worn out old boots, a pair of blue jeans with a small threadbare spot in the left thigh from where she carried her wallet, and she'd been wearing one of his favorite shirts. It was a blue-green shirt that hugged her curves and hit just at the top of her jeans. It was a nice offset to her slightly tanned skin and it gave her an almost ethereal glow. Sid was gorgeous, intelligent, resourceful, and she was definitely alive I thought to myself. I had to be honest though…..I wanted her to be for my sake too…Deep down I knew that I could have stopped this all.

It always felt like someone forgot the anesthesia and was doing some major operation right in the middle of his chest when he pictured those last few moments with her. Every thought of Sid left me feeling like I had an anvil planted in my chest and someone was taking a hacksaw to my heart while I sipped on battery acid. With a sick stomach and a throat tight from unshed tears�"I'll be damned if I cry anymore�"I have to admit once more, even if only to myself…if I'd been more persistent, if I'd walked her home she'd be a few minute drive away….I could kiss her in 5 minutes from now, play with her pretty brown hair…..listen to her laugh at my inability to keep my hands to myself around her…..but I can't…because she's not there…..she's not anywhere….NO, she's nowhere that I have looked yet.

It was painful to recall asking to walk her home. They'd been walking around town all day because they weather was good and both of them had ditched going to school for the summer. He'd taken her out to a new Italian place that they both really liked in celebration of another semester over with. They had stayed late, and they'd even been given some wine by the little old lady who owned the shop, because "they were cute, in love, and mature enough to handle it when the amount was controlled by an adult." It was still light out when they left the restaurant though, and so being the fiercely independent creature she was, she'd good naturedly kissed his cheek and laughed at his chivalrous request. "I think I can find my way." She'd said. "People don't get kidnapped in broad daylight." Then- he remembered- he'd laughed at himself too. He hadn't had any sense of foreboding or uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He just felt like a goofy guy in love with a beautiful girl, and that's what he was….he should have taken her home though.

He sighed to himself and tried to let sleep overtake him again. He was going to go out and start looking for her, and if it took more than the summer to find her, if it took years even, the rest of his life was on hold until he knew where she was and what had happened. He had to, he thought quietly, he couldn't take not knowing, and he really wasn't sure he could keep it all together without her existing. He, he told himself, he could let her be happy with someone else, hell �"he almost pleadingly admitted-he'd hand her over to any man that made her happy if it meant he knew she was safe right now…..he just couldn't take the idea of her being….just gone.

I could tell it was late, the sun was shining almost directly in my dusty window, which meant it had to be about 10am or so. Looking around I realized I'd turned into a slob as of late, just one more thing changed in life, but it slobbish living had its perks I didn't have to get properly up to get a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Feeling around in the floor without turning to look, I found the thin cotton of the shirt from yesterday and the soft flowing fabric of my old gym shorts. I felt like the dead rising out of my bed, tossing on the crumpled clothing I padded downstairs to find food. Fruity O's that I'm pretty sure must belong to Dan, the oldest roommate in the house, the dude was almost 30 and he ate like he was about 4. A scan of the fridge told me there was no milk to steal to go with my appropriated cereal, so instead, tossing the box back on the counter, I chugged some of the orange juice from the fridge. Air sounds good�"I thought to myself �" while I headed towards my beat up tennis shoes, I was intercepted by roommate number two, Brian. I'd been studiously avoiding contact with other people, I didn't take well �"or deserve- sympathy, and I really didn't want to talk. Brian was pretty cool though, and he was as warm and affectionate as a doctor doing a prostate exam, great for the antisocial. "Dude you smell, when was the last time you found some water and a bar of soap? Are you dying?"

Yeah…..warm….affectionate….and wiggling his fingers right up your butt. It was an adequate comparison. "Brian, you sound like my mother….you going to help me wash up too?" I retorted. He was right though, and we both knew it. I admittedly made a move to save my pride. I made a grab at the strings of the bag in the garbage can and started to tie the garbage up while I explained. "I was just going to take this out, it smells like Wesley's gyms socks in here." (On a side note…Wes is lactose intolerant, but he loves cheese….you can do the math…chemistry…whatever.) It was a nice save, and even if it wasn't believable, I knew Brian wasn't going to complain about someone cleaning.

After the trash bag took a sickening and somewhat satisfying plunk into the big trash can by the curb I resigned to improve my hygiene habits and headed towards the shower. I stripped down behind a locked door and cranked the hot water on, maybe between the heat and high pressure I could get some of the tension out of my neck and shoulders. Damn Aiden, I thought to myself when I saw her shower stuff in one corner, you have to quit torturing yourself….you love her, and she's still out there. You'll find her. I showered quickly to get away from the pretty floral print bottles and bright blue louffa. I knew it was borderline cowardly, but I hurt and I was tired of feeling hopeless. To my credit I did find some clean clothes to put on and even some deodorant….might have been a while since I'd worn that…..it was at the bottom of my laundry basket of all places.

Author's Note

What do you think? Too much attitude in the characters?