How I Found the Positive in the Most Difficult Decision I Have Ever Made

A Narrative Essay

            On July 14, 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful full-term baby boy.  I had a very healthy pregnancy.  However, when I went into labor, I contracted a blood disorder called HELLP Syndrome, which had to do with a severe loss of my blood platelets as well as my liver enzymes shutting down.  This caused my son, Brayden, to lose too much oxygen to his brain as I was in labor.  I got to the hospital around 2:00 a.m.  I was admitted right away.  Nurses swarmed all around me like a flock of bees.  A younger blond nurse said, “I cannot hear a heartbeat,” as she was giving me an emergency ultrasound.  “You’re going to have to lay down on your hands and knees so we can give you an epidural.”  Almost immediately after, an older brunette nurse said, “There’s no time.  We have to call an anesthesiologist and do an emergency cesarean.”  All I could think at the time was “I want my Mommy” and how healthy Brayden’s heart was my entire pregnancy and how this could possibly be happening to me, all the while trying to find some sort of positive in this ridiculously negative situation.  Little did I know, the answer would come to me years down the line.

            After giving birth via the emergency cesarean section, I was told by the delivering doctor that Brayden was not crying when he came out of the womb.  “That is not a very good sign, but we will do everything we can possibly do to save your son.  However, you should probably begin to try to prepare yourself for the worst possible scenario.”  I immediately felt my heart drop to my feet and burst into very painful tears.

            After an excruciating 38 hours, I was forced to make the most difficult decision of my life.  I got several second opinions and every doctor told me that Brayden’s brain was essentially a “vegetable.”  If they told me that he was going to blind, I could have lived with that.  If they said he is going to have Cerebral Palsy, I even would have been okay with that.  However, many doctors were listing ailments off left and right about what could potentially be wrong with him as a baby, as a child, and later in life, if he were lucky enough to make it that long.  I did not feel as though that was any way for somebody to live, especially my own son.  Luckily, my family agreed with my decision to take him off of life support.  Once off life support, it took Brayden approximately eight hours to pass away.

            My mother and father kept asking me, “Don’t you want to spend every last second with him as you can before he officially goes?”  At the time, I simply could not do it.  I was recovering from a cesarean section, so it was physically painful to cry and use my abdominal muscles in any way.  I knew all I would be doing was crying.  In that moment, I felt the need to say my goodbyes after the decision to take him off life support was made.  I felt as though I could not suffer any more, physically or emotionally.  However, my mother and father, along with many other of my family members, spent his last eight hours with him passing him around into one another’s arms.  It is comforting for me to know that he was being held by all of his loved ones in his last hours and he passed away in my own mother’s arms.  Even still, my heart went out to her because she was suffering a double-stab in the heart, so-to-speak.  She was grieving the loss of her grandson, while at the same time knowing that she could not take the pain away from her own baby.

            Shortly after Brayden’s death, I received a phone call on my hospital room line from the New England Organ Bank.  The gentleman on the other line was as nice and consoling as he possibly could have been, given the circumstances, as he spoke. 

“Hello Ms. Bartiromo.  My name is Jarod and I am calling from the New England Organ Bank.  I just heard about your loss and I cannot even begin to express my condolences for your unspeakable loss.”

“I appreciate that, Jarod.  Thank you,” I replied.

Jarod, as I understood was simply doing his job then preceded to say, “I completely understand that this is a very difficult time for you and your family.  However, we were informed that Brayden had a very healthy heart and we were wondering if you would be so selfless as to speak with your family and decide whether or not you would like to donate your son’s healthy heart valves?”

I spoke with Brayden’s father and my family and everybody’s response was the along the same lines: “I believe this is a decision you need to make, but I will support you in whichever path you choose.”  The support was helpful because not even an hour later, I called Jarod back and told him I would be willing to donate Brayden’s heart valves.  I felt as though if I could possibly spare another family from this type of pain, why not do whatever I can? 

 

Then, this past Thanksgiving, over five years later, my mother gave me a letter from the New England Organ Bank that was sent to her house telling me that Brayden's heart valves were used in an operation in a 10 year girl at a hospital in Massachusetts.  This letter led me to see the bigger picture: that everything happens for a reason.  Most women, especially mothers who have never gone through this, cannot even imagine the loss of a child.  However, a little girl is alive today because of my son’s healthy heart.  That little girl can change the world someday.  If I have been through what has been called the “ultimate loss” and am still able to find the positive in it, so can you.  No matter what you’re going through, always look for the positive, no matter how negative the struggle.

Reviews

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

My review of this story, which I believe is for real - in other words, your story! - will be short. I loved it, because it was positive and uplifting. Despite the tragedy of losing Brayden, which was so painful, a 10-year-old girl was alive because of his heart. I wonder whether you would be allowed to keep in contact with the girl and her family. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[KarMarBar]

I tried to contact The New Organ Bank and unfortunately, they could only give me the information I put in the narrative, that his heart valves were used on a 10 year old girl in Massachusetts. Unfortunately, I do not know what hospital, I do not know if what nationality or ethnicity the girl is, nor do I know if the surgery was even successful. However, I choose to believe that her operation was a success because it helps me sleep at night to believe that my son is, in a way, living on through another child. Thanks for reviewing this. I mostly write poetry, as I told you, but I want to expand my horizons, so thank you!

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

OK, perhaps it was their policy for you not to know. You are right to make the ending positive.

[Southern_Writes]

I am in tears. I am so sorry. I have been blessed. I know this daily. Daily my heart aches for countless mothers and fathers, struggling with something meant to be a beautiful gift.

[KarMarBar]

Sorry I made you cry, but thank you so much for reading this. This one is obviously very neat and dear to my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my son. I miss him every day of my life!

[McBear]

This is truly deep, and amazing with description. *wipes tear* I can imagine this experience was crushing. Thank you for sharing.

[KarMarBar]

It sure was crushing! However, writing about tragedy and negative experiences always makes me feel about .0001% better about them. If you truly had tears, thank you!! As a writer, that is all I aim to do: evoke emotion from my audience. Thanks again for the thoughtful review.

[McBear]

That is no problem. I always try my best to give the deepest and best review I can !

[wordman]

you are a strong person,it had to be very difficult and heart breaking .
and the poem you wrote is a release for you in a small way .yes you did the right thing,
and i am very sorry for your loss..

[Philip Muls]

Hi Karen, a very brave story and call for action. I was touched by the way you described this terrible episode but turned it into a positive message at the end. We are all looking for purpose, even in this type of situation where there is no silver lining really. Very brave.

[KarMarBar]

Thank you for seeing my point in writing this narrative essay. In writing it, I was trying to help anyone who has experienced anything even remotely close to similar because we all are "looking for purpose" and sometimes, it's okay not to know "why?" or "why me?" in any given tragic event. You may very well find out before "judgement day." No, there is never a silver lining to any experience like this, but we can choose to have some sort of faith that it was all part of a divine plan, for instance. Even if you do not believe in God, believe that life is a series of events that mold you. I was mentioning to a friend on WritersCircle about the butterfly effect. If this had never happened to me, yes I would have a 6 year old son right now, BUT so many other things in my life and in the lives of so many others would be different, maybe even for the worse. I appreciate you taking the time to read my effort at something other than poetry and I sincerely thank you for the feedback!

[Philip Muls]

I like your refreshing view on 'events that mold me' and the reference to 'butterfly effect'. I too believe that experience, good or bad, makes us a better person, versed in life.