Let Me Be

Inject in me some hope
To deoxidize my sorrows.
Make me drink something merry
To let me see vividly
Or push me into the sea
Where I dive, explore,
Meet a world like my own.
Otherwise,
I'm alive without a purpose,
Like a meaningless song
Or a weak, incapable storm,
Living in the meadow
As an aloof, indifferent soul.
So either throw me off the highest floor
Or allow me to stay, untouched 
By your fouls and foolish prays
That preach so much more
Than they
Let you listen, ponder and grow,
Because I lust for me,
The one that I should be.
But if time doesn't accompany
And I only manage to put up
Is a play,
Where I'm the one that I betray,
I'll put myself to sleep
After I dig my own grave. 

 

Reviews

[Glen Weimann]

Gaurangi Hi. You've been kind enough to comment on some of my writing so I'm returning the favour.

If I stand back from this, what I get is a message with an either/or. The desire is to reach one's true being where things matter and make sense, where one's strengths and talents are celebrated - even if only by the giver there's still the joy that this is 'me'. The either/or is 'OK if that's not gonna happen just let me wither and die somewhere - in fact don't bother - I'll do it myself'.

As a piece of writing I preferred the first half up until ... Like a meaningless song, or a weak,incapable storm ... I can't exactly say why, for me, it falls away a little after that. I didn't really get 'meadow' and wondered if you'd meant 'shadow', and then there is 'fouls' which I assume should either be 'fools' or 'foul'. And I personally thought the rhyming parts me/be/accompany then play/betray would have worked better if those words had naturally appeared in the middle of lines rather than at their end. [BTW there's something awry in the construction and word-flow of 'I only manage to put up is a play' - perhaps 'all I manage to put up is a ...']

But my overall feeling is that this is beautiful and evocative. If you haven't read 'Our deepest fear' by Marianne Williamson I strongly encourage you to do so. It was widely thought that Mandela used this for his inauguration, but this is actually where it comes from.

Nice job!
Nigel

[Gaurangi]

Hi Nigel,
Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to correct me and most importantly help me out. Honestly, i was waiting for someone to give a constructive feedback about the mechanism of poetry and its interpretation.
So, i used meadow because i just wanted to show a world where we live yet feel alone because of not being understood or not finding people similar to us. when i used fouls, i meant the gist of 'screams, harsh words etc.' people use to convince others and try to superimpose their perspective and rationales.
Although i agree with you on the construction of the line "manage to put...", i do not understand what is awry about using me/be/accompany.
Anyway, I am really grateful to your feedback, please continue doing so, it is quite helpful for a novice like me :)

[Glen Weimann]

The me/be/accompany is not awry. My comment comes from seeing too many poems on WC where writers have contrived their words to make a rhyme, and in so doing have compromised on the choice of word that might be better for the context, impact, etc but doesn't rhyme so they use something else. I just felt these 3 line-endings were a fraction too contrived and that you had perhaps compromised the sense and excellence of the rest - slightly. It's a personal view.

What you have is already excellent, but if I changed it for all 3 of the observations we're talking of here, it might be something like:

… because I lust for the one that I should be.

But if time does not accompany

And all I manage is to put up a play,

Where I'm the one that I betray …

So not very different, but a tad less 'moon-june'. As I say this is just letting you know what struck me on my first read - a personal view. And now I find with each successive read I'm happier with your original more each time! So, on balance, feel free to store this consideration for your next writing, but don't follow it this time!

BRs Nigel

[Gaurangi]

Thank you so much, I will definitely keep it in mind for the next time :)
Really appreciate your advice and efforts.
and please if you get time, please review the other one too. You are a great help :D

[Island Hippy]

Aloha Gaurangi, I loved the first 9 lines they are so me :) I relate deeply to to every line. The rest is also very well done. Smooth reading and I have to say your closing lines are very impactful. Thoughtful, inspired poetry. Izzy

[Gaurangi]

Aloha! It is wonderful that you were able to relate to it. Thank you so much :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the thoughts and the logic of the words.
"Let you listen, ponder and grow,
Because I lust for me,
The one that I should be."
The above lines. Should be the goals of the all of us. Seek laughter, dance and song. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Gaurangi]

Thank you so much for your comment and time, really appreciate it :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[Raj Sahu]

“I'll put myself to sleep
After I dig my own grave.”
These lines are just amazing. Keep writing. My well wishes with you.

[Gaurangi]

thank you :)