The Villain

Thousands of years ago,the world's foremost and most famous sorcerer,Hagum had ten teenage apprentices (The Haikker) who he was training to help fight the evil which was to come in the near future. After training them enough to fight battles,he knew they were ready to fight the forces of evil. A group of half men,half-beasts(The Gouracs) were the threats then. They aimed to control the world. So,Hagum sent out The Haikker to fight them. The Haikker conquered most of the Gouracs,their fame and legend spread across the world as the fiercest magician-army. The battle went on for about three years without the Gouracs all dying. Then Hagum realised that as one Gourac dies,he is reborn somewhere,due to this,the only way to end their entire existence is to find the Ace Of The Realms,a very beautiful and shiny diamond which was rumoured to have been buried within the deepest corners of the world. The Haikker found it after ten years of searching. Hagum was already 103 years old and getting weaker. So,he told his grandson Peta(who history now knows as Noligar Serus),who was also one of the apprentices that if anything happened to him,he should take command of The Haikker. After finding the Ace Of The Realms,Hagum and The Haikker had to travel to a far away land in what is now known as Canada today. It was the home of the Great Dragon,Pith. Only the fire from his breath was strong enough to destroy The Ace Of The Realms. After travelling for four days,they were almost there. They only had to go through the Sea to reach the cave were The Great Dragon Pith slept peacefully. While on the boat,Gouracs attacked them. The battle was so fierce that even Hagum got wounded. They managed to escape the Gouracs and reached the cave. unknown to them was that so many Gouracs were waiting in the cave. When they reached there,it was another attack. The 11-feet-tall Gouracs were almost successful in killing the entire Haikker and Hogum until the old man cast one of his most powerful spells 'Gritto Neena Darrrkat!' And the Gouracs froze,but it could only last for a few mintutes. So they all rushed to meet Pith who was alarmed to see them and he immediately attacked,killing one of The Haikker. Hogum pleaded with him to be calm and revealed himself as 'your old friend,Hogum who saved you from death a few years ago'. Pith then apologised for killing a Haikker but Peta(Hogum's grandson) 'angrily' attacked Pith for 'killing his one true friend' but Hogum stopped him by throwing him back with the wind. Hogum begged Pith to help destroy the Ace Of The Realms which he attempted to bring out of his bag but was shocked to see that it was missing. The Haikker began to groan in despair. They assumed that it must have been lost in the battle at The Sea but Hogum insisted that he felt its power when Pith attacked them. Then he looked straight at Peta who brought out the diamond 'Looking for this? It's mine now!'
'What have you done,my dear Peta' asked Hogum.
'What you taught me. I searched for knowledge beyond the surface of magic. Now I know all the diamond can do.' He said,grinning 'I can absorb anyone's magic with it and I can finally gain immortality by casting a spell that requires a human blood, a Gourac blood and a dragon's blood. Pith here happens to be the only dragon I've seen in years.'
'Give that to me!' Hogum cried out, 'Dimplufy!' then the wind threw the diamond out of Peta's hand into Hogum's. 'I thought you were destined for great things. Your father,were he alive,would be ashamed.'
'You're right,' he said bringing out his Elix sword I'm destined for great things!' He ran towards Hogum and The Haikker attacked him. He held his own for long until they overpowered him and Hogum begged them not to kill him. Pith disagreed and insisted that searching for immortality is against the law of nature and as Pith was about to burn him. Hundreds of Gouracs flooded the cave and a mighty battle began. Hogum's earlier-sustained wounds affected him so much that a Gourac easily struck his blade into his side waist and he fell to the ground,weak. The Gourac was about to swallow Hogum when Peta rose up and cut off the Gourac's head. Hogum,thinking Peta did that to save him.told Peta 'thank you'. But Peta then drew put the Gouracs's blade from Hogum's waist and put a drop of his blood into a goblet he had been secretly carrying. Hogum then died in agony. Peta also took a drop of the dead Gourac's blood and put it in his goblet. He took the diamond and was chased by Pith who angrily burnt most of the Gouracs. Peta had planned the encounter weeks ago. He alerted the Gouracs of the plan to travel with The Haikker to meet Pith so as to create a scenario where the blood of a Gourac,Hogum and Pith will be available for him at once. He battled Pith who fought him so strongly that his lower lims where numb. Pith managed to get the diamond and then burnt it. All the Gouracs,who had already killed the entire Haikker except one,vanished into thin air. But this also led to the diamond being divided into three rather than being destroyed. Before he could die,Peta managed to pierce Pith's skin and then got his blood on his sword. With all the three diamonds in his possession,he commanded Pith to do his bidding. That night,he cast the Immortality Spell and then he became invincible. He became The King Of The Aces,which in the Sorcerer-Tongue,means De Noligar Serus. He ruled every continent in the world and made people bow to him. But after a few years,Ra Galoone,the only surviving Haikker sorcerer,resurfaced battled him and though he was killed,he was able to hide one of the diamonds where no one could ever find them. De Noligar Serus' reliance on the diamonds affected his spell,so if the three diamonds stay too far away for long,he would die,until they are re-united to be ressurected. After three years,Serus couldn't find the third diamond,so he died and was buried by Pith who was thus freed. But Serus was not the dumb type. He had a plan. The King Of The Aces always had a plan.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading. I'm sorry for the grammatical errors,didn't have time to correct them.

Reviews

[YoungAspriringWriter]

Hi K-Tops,

It is obvious you have thought about this story a lot and it is a good story. However you are falling into the trap of telling not showing. Instead of telling us this happened, then this happened, that happened etc you need to show the reader what has and is happening. There is a saying, writers show the readers, essays tell the reader. This reads more like an essay. Hope this helps.

[Master K-tops]

Thanks for the comment. So you want me to be more descriptive and to employ more adjectives and adverbs? I just want to be sure I'm getting your advice correctly. Am I right?

[YoungAspriringWriter]

Sort of. I feel there is a much longer story here that you are bypassing. Don't tell mw hagum had 10 apprentices. Show me his search for the 10, give the characters substance by showing their training. Don't tell me peta chopped the gourac's head off. Describe the scene, show me the fear on hagum as he sees certain death and then his gratitude and elation that peta is good after afollowed by his anguish that peta is selfish and bad. Hope this is helping.

[Master K-tops]

Yes. I understand. My strength has always lied in poetry. I'm just trying to get out of my comfort zone with this. It's good that I'm getting great tips early! I'll surely do better next time.

[YoungAspriringWriter]

In my first point I was going to say your style would work well in poetry.