Poison and you

This poem shows anger and hatred of a person towards his/her enemy.

 

            Poison and you

 

As the night falls I think of you in utter silence all the memories come back to me
Like flowing helplessly in a waterfall, people come and go in ones life
 But you have left a scar on me; I am trying to cope

 with what Is left of me.
I am a fighter and I will come out of it sooner or later,
 But I wish to my God to make me into a deadly poison,
So that I can spread into your blood through your veins
 Just like a fear I don’t come out of you ever again,
I finally make you insane and put an end to you
 And take my sweet revenge from you.

Author's Note

Another experiment of mine .

Reviews

[Dinesh Sairam]

"Just like a fear I don’t come out of you ever again"

'Fear' is not the perfect emotion here. Maybe 'Love' would do better. Love is incidentally like poison and as you wished to express, never comes out. Fear just keeps coming in and going out, lol.

"Like flowing helplessly in a waterfall"

I guess you meant to say "Like a helplessly flowing waterfall"? English is a crazy language. You misplace words, it gives a whole new meaning :)

" And take my sweet revenge from you."

I guess it's 'Revenge on you'.. :) I'm not sure myself. Cross-check with someone else.. :)

Further, I thought the poem was great in terms of meaning. It just needs to be in the right alignment and some tiny corrections. Here's my suggestion :

As the night falls I think of you in utter silence,
All the memories come back to me.
Like a helplessly flowing waterfall,
People come and go in one's life.
But you have left a scar on me;
I am trying to cope with what is left.
[I don't know, I thought the line here interrupts the flow]
But I wish God to make me into a deadly poison;
So that I can spread into your blood through veins.
Just like a fear I don’t come out of you ever again.
I finally make you insane and put an end to you.
I take my sweet revenge on you.

I'd also recommend same syllable count, just to make it better. If you have time, try making all lines into 10 Syllables (And if you want to push more, try a blank verse with iambic pentameter). And the title doesn't match with the poem all that much. Try changing it. My recommendation would be 'Sweet revenge'.

Oh and know that this is a great write. I'm just trying to make it more perfect :) :)

Kudos. Keep writing.

[David W Moore III]

Very intense.

This peice is absolutely wonderful.

[Crowley]

I think the anger and hatred come through in spades as well as a strength to stand on ones own two feet and face a problem head on, even if the tact and diplomacy have been exhausted. Nice work.

[HorrorMaster]

Very good poem

[ScarlettTheDreamer]

Beautiful. Truly heartfelt.

[KaySea]

very aggresive

[Jeff]

This is good and very angry.

[J.S. Pua]

this is probably my most favorite write from you..
this is creative, my friend..
i like the last 5 lines..
great work..