Cut Me Deeply

Chapter 1

 

I didn’t know what to do. Tears fell from my cheeks from the pain of the new bruises that covered my rib cage. I contemplated going to the hospital but fear wouldn’t let me. This wasn’t the first time that I felt this way. I felt like no matter what happened in my life, nothing was ever going to get better. No one was ever going to help me when I felt down, and no one would ever be there for me. I kept trying to figure out how I got myself in this predicament. Maybe if I said “No” here, or didn’t go there. Maybe if I just kept my mouth shut. The scars on my legs were deep. Deep red gashes that were only half healed. The newest ones on my arms were thin, from the nails of some one who I was sure loved me, but didn’t know how to express it the right way.

                Why is it, that it seems I attract the most vile yet loving people of this world? Why is it that I have to fall in love with something that can’t stop hurting me? I walked near the train tracks with my head down, until the sound of a loud horn awoke me from my self conscious thoughts. A train was coming. A little voice in my head told me to stay where I was, feet planted—directly in the middle of the tracks. And I wanted to give into this voice so badly that my feet refused to move. I let that voice control me, manipulate me, drag me into it’s darkness, that I knew only would come once there was an end. It would be my escape, my ultimate fix. No more Jimmy, Jack, Johnny or Jose… No more wine, no more cuts and bruises.

                I’ve always wondered what it felt like to end it. End it all. Would I just vanquish into thin air? Would I be a soul that could never quite make it to the other side. Other side…. Hmmmm, I thought. Other side of what? Hell? Heaven? My thoughts reverted back to my mother who was set on the belief that suicide was a sin.

"Maybe life is hell" I screamed, “Did it ever occur to you that some people are experiencing Hell here on earth, and no amount of sin would make any difference, because I already feel I’m being punished. Being here IS my hell.” I still remember as the blood forced its way up my cheek. The sting making my eyes water, and made my head pound.

The train crept closer, and I closed my eyes.

“Good bye Mom.”

“Good bye Tony.”

My hands trembled with anticipation. From a by passer it would look like it was because of fear, but Sarah felt an ethereal feeling as the adrenaline rush pulsed through her veins. The tracks began to rumble.

 

                “Sarah! Sarah! What are you doing!" I could sense the unease in Tony's voice, but I wouldn't allow myself to care.

 

                “It’s okay," I whispered. "It’s over, it’s all over now. Maybe I can teach you to love me the right way in my next life.”

I didn’t even turn to look as he rushed toward me. This was my end. The blackness behind my eyes turned to a bright red. “This is it” I thought.  

Tony forced his self to look away as the train smashed her body. The crunch was sickening that he couldn’t even make himself walk even further to see if some how, miraculously, she had made it. He peered over the tracks, unwilling to take another step. He could feel vomit gathering in his stomach, threatening to push it’s way from his lungs to his mouth.

 I jolted awake. Beaded sweat covered my forhead, and my pillow was drenched in a damp wetness. Tears fell from my cheeks in long waves.

“Why couldn’t it be real? I thought. Why couldn’t it be real???

 

 

 

 

I walked down the street slowly. With my head down, and Tony saw me walking by myself, and didn't hesitate to catch up with me. I tried to hide from his magnetic dark eyes. The charcoal color frightened me sometimes depending on whatever mood he was in. Mornings were never good. He jabbed his finger into my side.

"What's up?"

"Nothing," I said.

"Did you get my calls and text last night?"

"No I was busy," I said hurriedly.

"If I didn't know any better I would say you were trying to ignore me."

I tried to meet his gaze, despite the fear he knew could cause to make itself known inside of me. He reminded me of a wolf, in a sense. He could smell my fear, and he fed off that fear. Played on it in every way he knew how. Finally, I met his gaze. He looked  dangerously beautiful this particular morning. His dark eyes were a nice contrast to the pasty white snow and shady looking sky. He smiled at me then, and his teeth were a gleeming perfect white.

 

"I'm leaving." I tried to say with confidence.

 

"You're what?" his magnetic eyes seepd into mine as I tried to hold my ground.

 

"I m 22 and I'm out of college. I'm ready to leave here. I don't want to be hear anymore."

 

"And what makes you think I'm going to let you?" At that moment I hated Tony

 

more than I hated the way his fists pounded into my body. I hated his

 

controlling and manipulative nature. 

 

"Tony, I don't need to ask you to leave ." His nails dipped into my

 

 

 

 

backside, and I winced in the pain.

 

"You're not going anywhere."

Reviews

[bluessadmood]

yes i liked this,i liked the dream,not the suicide off course
i liked theway she talked to herself,where shall i go after this
the train tracks were shaking heavy,and she saw she may not go to heaven
but then this is hell,you can not go from hell to hell
and the train was coming,a strong draft of airchilled her soul
already freezing cold,so empty,now the train was so near
she could feel it ,trembled but no ,not fear,just doubt
and the train touched,so heavy so quick
like some heavy shock on the head
big headache then you feel nothing...and she awakes
death could be a big release,is there no end to suffer
its wonderful how one can describe those moments
wonderful write ,kept reminding me of Karenina..
the description of her death under the train was so true you could almost feel it..wonderful writing

[perfectlymetiKulous]

This was powerful.