Autumn Roads

Telling someone you love them is never easy, but when that person is your best friend, you face losing them forever.

Ivy’s long black hair blew as she stepped into the wind, away from her pale face and icy blue eyes. Next to her, Ivy’s twin brother kept his face down, adjusting his tie as he walked across the brown lawn to the cafeteria. Alex paused to help his sister retrieve the flip-flop she had intuitively worn that morning. Ivy shivered and pulled her forest green coat closer to her. Yesterday, it had been sixty, the sun shining down on the students and light sparkling off the red leaves. Today, it was forty and the wind-chill below freezing. Winter was coming.

Logan walked next to Alex, a large bear watching over a small cub. Logan watched Alex as he threw his head back and laughed at what Ivy’s sporty roommate Tina had said about their calculus professor. Logan watched his black hair fall away from his wintry eyes, watched the sun sparkle off his teeth. He watched as Alex signed a response to Tina.

Alex was Logan’s best friend. Alex was deaf. Alex communicated with his hands and Logan wasn’t sure if he had heard Alex’s voice since he got sick all those years ago.

Ivy and Tina ran ahead to go bother Tina’s boyfriend and his roommate, Alex smiled to himself and turned his attention to Logan, who was still walking briskly, wanting to get out of the cold and into the cafeteria. Alex’s long pale hand reached out and stopped Logan in his tracks.

‘Are you alright? You haven’t said a word all morning.’

Logan watched the motions of Alex’s hands, understanding perfectly well what Alex was saying in his own language. He had been Alex’s best friend even all those years ago, when Alex first lost his hearing and Logan had stood by him and learned sign language himself so he could talk to Alex.

“I’m fine.” Logan signs as well as talks. “I just have a lot of stuff on my mind.”

‘If you say so.’ Alex shrugs and continues in the direction of the cafeteria building. Logan paused and looks after his friend, the icy wind freezing his face. He wanted to call Alex back to him, but he knew the request would, as always, fall on deaf ears.

 

Logan still didn’t know what it was about Alex that caught his attention, or when he decided that Alex meant a lot more to Logan than Logan let on.
            Even though he had half-decided he wanted Alex to be more than his friend, he still repeated the same nauseating mantra internally-and sometimes out loud when he was in his dorm room with Alex and the other’s back was turned- that he was not gay, he liked girls and only girls, he didn’t like boys, no way.
            Though whenever he was near Alex his heart sped up and he wanted nothing more to pull his seemingly eternally sad friend into a tight embrace and never let go.
               “Logan! Hey! You have a soccer game tomorrow, right?” Tyler’s long, curly brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail and bounced as she skipped right up to Logan’s side, books to her chest, skirt rolled almost dangerously high. Inside, Logan’s wondered whether she was going to get in trouble for wearing a skirt so short.
            “Huh? Oh, yeah...” He mumbled, eyes away from Tyler’s wide eyes and pink lips. He was focused on Alex’s now-receding figure as he joined his sister at the lunch line. “Yeah. Against Columbia. We’re gonna crush them.” He said half-heartedly.
    “      Cool.” Tyler flipped her hair over her shoulder, looking like she’s having a neck spasm. “I’ll come watch and cheer you on.”
            Logan was pretty sure he managed to nod before he started to walk up to the lunch line. Tyler followed, chattering aimlessly to fill the silence between them. After loading up his tray with a mountain of food, Logan found his way to the table he sat at every day.
            Alex sat next to his sister, who sat in the middle of him and her roommate. On the opposite side of the table sat Hart, Aaron, Zac, and Sam in that order. Hart stood six foot five and had been all but forced to play football by the coach. His bulk almost pushed Aaron, his roommate, who hasn’t yet made it to five feet, out of his chair. Aaron and Sam were engaged in a conversation about whether it was okay for Aaron to date Sam’s sister: Aaron was pro, Sam was con. Zac simply looked annoyed that he was somehow in the middle of the conversation. Logan ignored them and sat down next to Alex.
            “Morning, Logan.” Zac raised his root beer in greeting. Logan smiled at his friend and noticed Zac had gotten a lip piercing. He wondered briefly how he had gotten past the waiver, but in truth, he didn’t really care.
            “So, are you and Tyler, like going out?” Sam had finished his argument with Aaron, who was looking down at his scrambled eggs miserably, and was now leaned forward, panda hat edged back. Logan swiped a sausage off his plate and Sam attempted to spear him with his fork. Zac stole Sam’s cell phone while he wasn’t looking.
            “I guess. She seems to think so.” Logan chewed halfheartedly on the sausage while watching Alex eat slowly with a book propped up against the napkin dispenser. He tuned out the fight between Zac and Sam when Sam realized his phone was missing a few minutes later.
            He didn’t feel remotely attracted to Tyler. She was pretty, of course, bright eyed and bouncy hair. She was sweet and smart. Logan certainly liked being with her. But...there was no racing heartbeat when he was around her. Nothing. But he knew he should like her. She was a pretty girl who was paying attention to him. Why would he ignore her?
‘I’m not gay.’ He repeated inside his head, even as he hypnotically watched Alex absentmindedly scoop the whipped cream out of his mug of hot chocolate with a spoon and lick it off. ‘I am not gay. I am not attracted to Alex. I am not attracted to my best friend.’

            After classes and dinner, Logan took a shower. When got out, Alex was laying on his stomach doing his math homework. Logan quickly dressed and sat at his own bed, pretending to do his own work. Really, he was only watching Alex. Alex had a habit of resting his pencil on his lips when it wasn’t pressed to the paper, and every once in a while he’d clamp his jaws down on the wood before jotting something down on the paper. Then he’d raise the pencil back up to his mouth and the process would start all over again.
            Logan always found watching Alex relaxing. It might be because Alex was just so quiet and peaceful, or maybe it was because he was at his most serene when he was reading or doing homework. Everything else was always a struggle for him because of his disability.
            Eventually, Alex glanced up and saw Logan watching him. Logan blushed, but Alex only smiled. He pushed himself up into a seating position and signed to Logan. ‘Bored? Want to go for a walk?’
Logan managed a nod, and Alex swung his legs out from the bed and walked over to his closet to retrieve his coat. Logan grabbed his letter jacket from off the back of his desk chair and tried not to say anything as Alex grabbed his camera.
            Alex always had a lens on him. Even before he went deaf, Alex loved taking pictures. Logan hated it. Alex always had his lens focused on something else; a bird, a blade of glass, the clouds in the sky. Logan wished Alex would focus on him.
            True to Logan’s prediction, Alex took pictures during their walk through the school property and eventually, up the path through the woods. The sky was blue and the bright autumn leaves were beginning to drop off. Alex snapped photos of the different trees, the river, a few comical shots of Logan making a silly face with his thumbs up. At this Logan was rewarded with one of Alex’s rare laughs.
            Eventually, the sun began to dip low on the horizon and the two boys started to head back to school. Alex walked with his head down, something Logan had rarely seen him do since he got sick. The risk of walking into something-or someone-was too great, so Alex always walked with his eyes forward.
          “Hey.” Logan touched Alex’s shoulder to catch his attention. Alex’s inquisitive blue eyes met Logan’s green ones, and Logan resisted the urge to kiss him right there. He waited a moment before rational thought returned to him.
          “Why don’t you ever talk anymore? I mean, I know it’s different, after you got sick...” Logan trailed off, already feeling stupid for bringing it up. “But, you know, it’s been years. Even if you’re not really comfortable with the idea, it’s not like me or your sister will judge you...”
            Alex pursed his lips for a second, then swung the camera strap up onto his wrist to free his hands.
            ‘It’s not that I don’t want to.’ He bit down on his lip, pondering his next words. ‘I’ve spoken to Ivy and our parents since then, but even they agree that it’s easier to read my sign language than try to decipher what I’m trying to say.’
            Alex turned his head toward Logan’s and awarded him a sweet smile. Logan laughed quietly.

“Well, I still kinda miss your voice.”

Alex didn’t respond at all. He turned his head forward and continued walking, the dorms in sight now.

Quietly, Logan took hold of Alex’s hand, threading their fingers together. Alex stiffened, but continued walking.

 

Crap. He was…gay, wasn’t he? Logan mentally beat himself up at breakfast the next morning. Alex still sat next to him, eyes still trained to the novel open in front of him. He had merely sat down at done his homework after their little walk last night, even going to bed early. Logan had stayed up to watch his roommate peacefully sleep, resisting the urge to find out if that ebony mess of hair was as silky as it appeared.

Which only pointed to one conclusion. He was in love with his best friend. He was in love with Alex. Which could only mean one thing: he was gay. Stifling a groan, he dropped the carton of grape juice down on his tray. Zac looked his from his French textbook, clearly startled. He had chosen his seat more wisely this morning, opting for the seat on the other side of Sam. Sam and Aaron were currently locked into a debate about how if Aaron wasn’t allowed to date Sam’s sister, Sam should give Aaron back his Pillow Pet. Sam seemed to feel strongly about this.

“What’s wrong?” Zac’s pierced eyebrows raised as he watched Logan drop into the seat across from him. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Something like that.” Logan picked at his Egg McMuffin, having no desire to actually eat it. Zac shut his textbook.

“Is it a girl? Did Tyler dump you? Because I can totally kick her a*s for you.” Zac laughed a little as he took in Logan’s startled expression. “Relax. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers.”

Logan shuddered a bit internally at the thought of Zac ever wearing diapers and wondered for a minute if he had the same scary face, then pushed it away. He glanced Alex’s way, to make sure Alex was still engrossed in his book. Zac followed his gaze, a small smile appearing on his face. Cheeks burning, Logan waved his hands in front of his face for a moment, before realizing that it would only attract the attention he wanted so badly to avoid.

“It-it’s not like that, okay…”

“It’s okay, Logan.” Zac smiled. “Well, they do say it’s one in every ten guys, or something like that…”

Logan was hit by a sudden surge of confidence and his hand came to rest on Alex’s knee. Alex visibly tensed up, but made no move to swat his hand away.

“I just don’t know if he feels the same way. We’ve just always been friends, so it probably seems weird that…”

“That you would suddenly start liking him.” Zac picked his tray up and Logan sat back in his seat, startled. He grabbed his tray and followed Zac.

“It’s like you and Tyler, we’ve just known each other forever.” He hissed as they walked along the cafeteria. “It just…seems like he would take it the wrong way. Not to mention our families.”

Zac nodded like a bobblehead as they dumped their trays and walked out of the cafeteria and into the hallway where the bathrooms were located.

“You’ve been friends forever? So you know why Alex is deaf?” Zac said once the noise of the cafeteria had dulled down a bit. Logan started slightly at the question. “Well, was he just born that way? Tyler’s asked Ivy, but she won’t even talk about it, and everyone’s wondered…” Zac trailed off, a little unsure of himself.

“Well…he was sick.” Logan managed to bleat. “Really sick.”

“You knew him during it?”

Logan nodded. “I was the one who called the ambulance when he collapsed. They told his family he was going to die.”

Even though it had been years since Alex had bounced back and recovered from his illness, the sight of Alex laying pale and sickly in a hospital bed, needles shoved into his arm and an oxygen mask covering his face still haunted Logan, just as he knew it haunted Ivy and both their parents.

“But he didn’t.”

Logan smiled to himself and shook his head. “No. He fought. He’s tough like that.” Logan tipped his head back and remembered fondly the day Ivy had called him with the news that Alex was awake.

Looking back on that, Logan realized that was the moment he truly started to fall in love with Alex.

“You really love him.”

Zac’s frighteningly studded face was smiling kindly. Logan jumped slightly at hearing this spoken out loud, but his heartbeat returned to normal soon enough.

“Yeah. I do.”

Zac nodded and moved aside to avoid a gaggle of freshmen girls on their way to the bathroom to freshen up their lip gloss.

“Then why don’t you tell him?” Zac pressed.

For a second, Logan couldn’t think of why he hadn’t done that already. Everything else that had previously mattered to him melted away. The pressure from his parents, fitting in with his friends…if he could walk across the grass holding hands with Alex, that would be his own paradise. He didn’t need anything other than that.

But that dream froze and died. Alex would probably never reciprocate his feelings. He might even be frightened by then, changing rooms and possibly stop being friends with Logan.

Though Alex had opened his eyes and powered through his sickness, Logan could still lose him.

“I can’t.” Logan stared at the floor as he shook his head. “He could get so mad at me. I could lose him.”

“Or he could feel the same way about you.” Zac pointed out. “If you don’t tell him, you’ll always be chasing after him.”

Logan nodded slowly, then quickened the rhythmic bobble of his head.

“No…yeah…yeah! You’re right!” The bell rang just then, signifying the end of breakfast and the beginning of classes. Logan grinned goofily and took off in Alex’s direction. Zac just stood back for a minute, laughing to himself and shaking his head.

 

The prediction that winter was upon them turned out to be a lie. The temperature had increased since the day before, and gray clouds had gathered in the sky, opening up to pour down ice cubes on the unsuspecting students below.

People ran the distance from the class buildings to their cozy dorm rooms, eager to change into dry clothing. Others took advantage of the warm weather to dance or play in the rain.

Logan was one of the runners. But he was running to catch up with Alex, who had seemed bent on avoiding him the entire day.  After Logan’s conversation with Zac, he had dutifully sat through every class, trying his very hardest to pay attention to the teacher and take notes, but his eyes always seemed to fall on the quiet boy

Alex wasn’t going to their dorm room or the art building, so Logan was at a loss as to where he was going. So there was really only one solution: follow him.

Alex darted in between the freshman and sophomore girls dorms. Logan caught up to Alex quickly and grabbed his shoulder. Alex spun around, wet hair and clothing sticking to his body.

‘What do you want with me?’ Alex’s hand motions were fast and crisp. ‘You’ve been following me, staring at me…touching me all day! What the hell is going in?’

Logan bit his lip. Alex’s eyes were always a bright, flaring light blue. Now they just reminded Logan of ice. Frozen.

“I-I’m gay.” Logan choked out the words before he lost his nerve. The words tumbled out along with the hammer that had been constantly pounding his skull for the past few days. Feeling weightless, Logan rushed on; afraid he’d lose his nerve if he waited even one more second.

“I’m in love with you, Alex. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I’m sorry I waited until our senior year to drop this on you, but I just can’t deny my feelings for you anymore.” Logan took hold of Alex’s hands. Alex yanked them away, bringing them close to his side.

‘No…you shouldn’t…’

“I do.”  Logan took Alex’s hands again. Alex didn’t fight back. Logan carefully ran his fingers through Alex’s wet hair. “I love you, Alex. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life.” Logan wasn’t signing, and Alex wasn’t looking at his lips, but Logan felt that Alex knew what he was saying anyway.

“You don’t have to love me back.” Logan whispered. “Just let me love you.”

Logan didn’t know if he started it or Alex did. All he knew was that he had Alex pressed up against the brick wall of the dorm, lips locked together in a searing kiss.

Logan didn’t think about the teachers. Didn’t think about the other students or his mountain of homework or how wet he was getting. All he could think was that he was kissing Alex and Alex was kissing him back. And when he looked back on it later, all Logan could remember was that their kiss seemed to last forever, like the never-ending rain that fell around them that day.

Logan expertly stole the ball from the player who hesitated when it came time to dive for the ball. Logan smiled and dribbled it up field, avoiding a few slow players and one human cheetah Logan only got past because his shoe was loose and the cheetah-boy was sent sprawling to the ground. Smiling, Logan planted his foot in the earth and faked left. The goalie completely went for it while Logan put the ball right over his left shoulder. The poor goalie never had a chance. The ball had hit the net before the poor fellow even had a chance to dive.

The referee’s whistle blew and Logan pumped his fist in the air. They had won. It had been close, but that final goal had won it for them.

Logan all but ignored his teammates as they crowded around him; instead looking out into the stands for his klatch of friends. Hart was the most easily recognizable, wearing his bright red letter jacket. Aaron sat on top of his shoulders, pumping his fists. Ivy and Tina jumped up and down, holding a giant banner with Logan and Sam’s names on it. Zac stood off to the side, clapping.

And Alex…Alex stood to the side of his sister. Smiling.

Logan loved to see him smile.

Sam grabbed hold of his hand and led him into the locker room. After the coach’s speech and the team members had all changed, Logan walked with Sam out to greet their friends. Sam jabbered on and on about every play that was made in the game, but Logan hardly heard him.

After they first kissed the night before, Logan walked back to the dorm, hand-in-hand with Alex. They spent some time making out on Logan’s bed, finally dragging out Logan’s laptop and watching movies neither of them were really particularly enthralled by, cuddling as they fell asleep.

When Logan woke up, Alex was already gone. He left a Post-It Note on Logan’s laptop telling him he had to go to the library but he’d come to watch the game, accompanied by an over-large smiley face.

Though he was sure his friends would make a big stink out of the win and insist on going out to eat, Logan was just eager to get back to the dorm and spend more time with Alex.

But Alex wasn’t with his friends when he and Sam walked out of the locker room.

“Where’s Alex?” Was the first thing Logan said, even as Tyler bounded out of nowhere and threw her arms around Logan’s neck. Ivy shrugged.

“He said he had work to do.”

Logan looked down in disappointment.

“Omigod, Logan, you were so awesome!” Tyler trilled as her flowy pink top bounced. “I cheered for you. Did you see me?”

Though Logan had always thought Tyler was nice, he couldn’t remember why he had ever liked her. She was loud. Obnoxious. So…unlike Alex.

Finally, Logan pushed her away.

“Enough, Tyler. Look, I don’t like you. So just…stop embarrassing yourself, okay?”

Their friends had stopped and turned their heads at Logan’s sudden outburst. Ivy waved her arms and shooed them towards the exit, trying to give Logan and Tyler some privacy. Meanwhile, Logan’s anger at Tyler was battling with his conscience when he saw Tyler’s face fall.

“You don’t like me?” She replied, as if the idea was unheard of.

“Yeah.”  Logan looked at the ground and rocked back and forth. “Look, you’re pretty and nice and all that but…there’s someone else in the picture, so…”

“Like who?!” Tyler shrieked, the pitch shocking even the ever polite Ivy into whirling around and staring at the cheerleader. “Is it Ivy? Or Tina? God, how could you fall for Tina? She doesn’t even wear real bras!”

“Okay, if you want me to kick your a*s, keep going, Princess.” Tina folded her arms across her chest somewhat self-consciencely.

“It’s not Tina.” He assured Tyler, and partly Tina, who was looking at him with venom. “It’s not Ivy either. It’s someone else. Look, I know you can’t really understand what Alex and I have, but…”

Logan stopped talking. Crap. No one knew about it. No one but Zac, and the only person Zac would have ever told was his roommate, and judging by the look on Sam’s face, Zac hadn’t.

“So…you’re dumping me…for a guy?!”

“Tyler, how could I dump you?” Logan partly wanted to dump his drink on her. “We were never together.”

Tyler turned on her heels and huffed as she walked away. Logan’s friends turned to him, mouths agape.

“So you’re…gay?” Aaron managed to squeak out. Logan looked down to meet his smallest friend’s eye.

“Yeah. I guess. Is that a problem?”

Logan meant it literally, he didn’t exactly blame any of his friends if they were creeped out by the fact he was dating his own roommate. Thankfully, Aaron only seemed to be shocked and closed his mouth once it wore off.

“No. Of course not. I’m…I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah. I hope you and Alex are happy together.”

“Yeah, totally.”

Hart scoffed and pushed away from the wall he was leaning against.

“Seriously? You’re just going to accept the fact we’re friends with a queer?”

Tina moved to block Hart, but he pushed her away.

“Don’t yell at him!”

“Tina, he’s living in the same room as the guy he’s lusting over. It’s disgusting.” Hart shot Logan a venomous look.

“Well, if that’s what you think, you’re welcome to go join Tyler over in the pity party corner.” Ivy stood closer to Logan, smiling at him. “I, for one, am very happy my brother found someone who loves him.”

Logan almost expected Hart to say something else. But he just walked away.

Logan’s friends didn’t seem as shocked anymore. In fact, they didn’t seem to care that much at all. Within minutes, the conversation was back on the game and what a psycho Tyler was. Logan touched Ivy’s arm.

“Hey. Thanks for that. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t said something.”

Ivy just shrugged. “Alex told me something a long time ago, I don’t know where he got it from or why I was remembered it right now, but I did.”

“Really? What was that?”

Ivy tossed her black hair back from her shoulders.

“Love is like a car crash. You never see it coming. And you never know who you might fall in love with.”

 

“There you are.” Logan signed as well as spoke when he saw Alex walking out of the library. “I was just coming to look for you. Come on, it’s dinner time.” Logan grabbed Alex’s hand and began to prance in the direction of the cafeteria. He stopped short when Alex seemed to stay rooted to that spot.

“What’s wrong?” Logan turned and tilted Alex’s face up so he could look him in the eye. Alex, however, yanked his head away. Logan’s heart thudded painfully in his chest. “Did I do something to upset you?”

Logan’s heart almost stopped as Alex moved one hand up to wipe at his eye.

He hadn’t meant to make him cry. He loved him, d****t, he wasn’t supposed to make him cry!

Logan’s hands once again went to Alex’s face to wipe the tears away, but Alex batted his hands away.

‘I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.’

“What?”

Logan felt like he was freezing to death and burning alive at the same time.

This can’t be happening.

Alex nodded, some confidence returning to his form.

‘I’m sorry. I just can’t do this to my family. And I can’t do this to you.’

“What are you talking about? I love you. There’s nothing about you that makes me love you any less.”

Alex just shook his head, blinking back tears.

“I’m sorry.”

Logan almost jumped at hearing his voice.

            He hadn’t heard Alex’s voice…since that day. Since right before he collapsed.

            “I’m sorry, Logan.” Alex’s voice was hoarse and scratchy from neglect, his consonants barely formed. “I hope…I hope one day you can understand why I’m doing this now. I know you don’t now, but…” Alex just shook his head, biting his lip. Logan reached out to touch his face, but Alex only shoved passed Logan, running towards the dorm.

            “I love you!” Logan called to Alex’s retreating form, a darkened silhouette against the red sky. The wind blew and Alex wrapped his arms against himself as protection against the cold. “I’ll always love you! Nothing you can do will ever change that! I love you, Alex!”

            But Alex never turned around. Logan didn’t really know why he expected him to. Alex couldn’t hear him. Alex was deaf.

Author's Note

So I wrote this a little over a month ago for school, and I just got it back. It got the highest grade in my class, but I feel like it's still pretty...I don't know.
I haven't revised it from the original, I kinda want to get other opinions before I go changing a bunch of stuff. (I love my teacher, he's brilliant, but he doesn't know everything!)
How did you feel about this piece, and about the characters? I feel like Alex was really flat. (My teacher agreed.) What do you think?

Reviews

[Malychyte]

ooooh suspenseful!! Very good read! I thought that the beginning seemed a bit choppy when it came to sentences. It didn't flow from one to the other, kinda like "oh this is what Logan is doing, oh this is what Alex is doing" but still it's really not that problematic and so I thoroughly enjoyed this story! Will there be more?

[Autumn T.]

I feel like Alex's character wasn't flat or dull at all. He might seem that way because he doesn't talk, but he's not flat. The only thing about Alex is that you might want to add more to the story, like in the beginning, put more Alex into it. That way the reader get a stronger connection with Alex, and therefore feel more of a POW when he runs.

You might also want to put more emotion into it. Like, after Alex runs off, what is Logan feeling? I would make it so he crumples to the ground because he's in such sorrow. No, I probably wouldn't do that. I might make Logan chase after Alex and beg him to tell him why he was doing what he was doing. But I might also leave it as it is,. I love how you ended it. (:


I think you should make a sequel or something to this, kind of continue Alex and Logan's story. I want to know what happens next, you know? :D


You didn't include a very good backstory about the characters, though. How old are they? Are they in college or a high school? What are they studying? What was the sickness that Alex had? Tell more about the characters. I think that would make this story just amazing.

[Hoosier Belle]

enjoyed the character, love the detail and imagery. Pretty awesome story.

[Wandering Violet]

Wow. I love the emotion and suffering you so powerfully portrayed - that terrible dilemma of whether or not to speak, to tell, to be honest with ones self. Well done!