(Sniffle) "F**k!" (Pen clicks)...

Another night with you...

Substance and its abuse, or my problems, and another excuse? Another hole I'm digging with all of my own priceless running. The pace feels so sweet, I feel no exhaustion. The only exhaustion I feel, is standing in place. Broken movement. Legs moving in perfect momentum, yet, the mental stature of a cripple. Bliss now! When will the vomit come? Will I finally be grateful, for the physical struggle at hand? That is my decision to make, I suppose. Will it be enough physical turmoil, self-inflicted, I know, but will it be enough to avoid my mind, its thoughts, their ache? Why should I ask about the future? Its answers only exist there. Is this impending withdrawal my goal? No, I truly don't think so. I f*****g know it is not. But I'm not enjoying this, I don't believe. This s**t use to make my d*** hard, it just turns my stomach now. Leaves me, illishly, discontent. The process is something of majesty. Not the "actual," just the aesthetic of repetition. I presume I'm a puss. I can deal. I don't want to be another cattle; A product of society's dairy, with a powder rim around my nostril, claiming I'm doing it "differently." I feel stupid. It is stupid. Stupid, I feel. These are thoughts, that can only be produced, and feared, with the eyeballs, and the opinions that follow, of others in mind. Everything I am doing, well, want to be doing, is for the next. Steady head, for the next face I see.  My "running"... is for me. I hate this high. What is it I need? New aesthetic? Perhaps. One, of a more "productive" nature. This social ladder, that "needs" to be climbed... is my hate! Am I doomed, to domestication like the rest? Inevitably? Truly "NEED" the ladder? Need her? NO! AESTHETIC! NEED AESTHETIC!... So many possibilities of such.... endless.... I hate this life, I love so much.

(7 minutes later)

I'm just going to snort until I vomit. Aesthetic found, for the moment. BE GRATEFUL! Deal with situation when its at my esophagus.    

Author's Note

Just something in the journal. Criticize freely.