Almost Not Here

This is the first story that made me realise what i could do with words and made me love every piece of writing i have produced after.

 

 ‘I can’t live with myself anymore,’ A voice somewhere in my head hoarsely whispers, coaxing me towards the open door that joined onto my room.

I walk into my bathroom and desperately I open the cabinet that sits in front of me frantically looking for the pair of stainless steel scissors that I left in there. I scan each of the shelves at least a dozen times and when I can’t find them I move to my left, the shelves that Dad placed there, once bare, now cluttered with knick knacks searching over it once I find the razor my brother left the last time he used my bathroom, it had been a long time since he had done so. I take the razor and walk over to the wall. The door is within my reach and I push it shut with my fingertips, it closes with a gentle click. I slide down the wall and sit on the cold tiled floor, crossing my legs under me, which gives my bare legs some relief. I hold the blade in my right hand; its smooth surface is cool and calming to my sweaty touch.

I take a deep breath and place the blade lightly on the inside of my arm. The skin there is so pale and delicate, almost like a porcelain doll, it could give way at any moment. I apply pressure to the blade sliding it down my wrist, the skin parts easily and I inhale sharply feeling the pain override every one of my rational thoughts. I want to take the blade away but can’t bring myself to let go, so instead I apply more pressure and the blade cuts deeper. I muffle the cry that leaves my mouth as I bite down on the material of my shirt that lays bunched up on my shoulder.

The blade becomes slippery between my fingers. I pull it out and place it into my left hand. Staring down at the blade that is slick with my crimson blood is fascinating. I place the slippery blade between my fingers and glide it down my right wrist just testing it out. I just scratch at the surface numbly going over the same spot over and over, trying to erase the pain of living in a world without the two people who gave me a purpose, gave me a reason to live through each day. The pain in my left arm is so intense that is causes me to drop the blade. It hits the floor with a little clink. Pain blurs my vision and numbs out every other thought and feeling in my body.

Tears rapidly burn my cheeks as the crimson red liquid pours out of my arms, rising like a tide. Everything starts to dim and a soft cry leaves my mouth.

I just want the pain to stop, I want to stop feeling, and I want to be with them.

Someone knocks on the door and I’m certain it’s my best friend. Who else would have the nerve to come up and knock on my door after the scene I pulled in kitchen?

‘Hails? Hails are you in there?’ I could only just make out the words spoken through the door.

I could feel myself slipping away, slowly, slipping towards the painlessness I want.

‘Hailey!’

The door was wrenched open, hitting the wall with a tremendous thud. I feel someone put a towel on my bleeding wrist, trying to stop the flood. I try to pull my wrists away but I can’t feel my arms anymore, it’s like they weren’t attached to my body anymore. After what feels like hour I feel that someone pull me into their arms and they lift me up, gently walking out of my bathroom, through rooms after room to what I thought was the kitchen. I faintly hear someone scream before everything goes black.

Maybe someone was listening to my wish after all.

*

‘S**t she’s waking up Luci,’ I faintly hear my best friend Trent Mathews murmur as I regain consciousness.

I open my eyes and they are assaulted by the bright lights that flood through the windows, I groan and shut them immediately. I take a few breaths, and slowly open my eyes again. The assault of the light does nothing for the headache that I can feel, or the dizziness, as a matter of fact. I look around me; the dull blue curtain that separates my part of the room looks vaguely familiar. The smell that creeps its way up my nose is enough to make me vomit. It’s too clean to be somewhere I have grown up. Looking down at my arms…I find a thick white bandage on each, my eyes move to Trent, whose shirt is covered in crimson red blood…My blood?

‘Is that…m-my…’ I croak out not able to find the words to finish my sentence.

‘Oh god Hailey, I…we thought we had lost you. Why d…’

‘I don’t want to be here,’ I interrupted quickly, I didn’t know if I could hold back the tears that threatened to spill down my cheeks if he had finished that question. Trent’s face fell and my other best friend Lucia Summers wrapped an arm around his shoulders reassuringly; she looked pale and different to her bright, bubbly self.

‘Hails you don’t mean that,’ he paused, ‘You don’t mean it,’ he said softly.

‘As far as I know I’m dead, as in not here. I died the instant my brother and sister were taken away from me.’

‘Hails, you need to snap out of it,’ His eyes searched mine and he lowered his voice ‘I need to tell you something …Faith and I aren’t…we’re not together anymore, and...’ he trailed off and took a deep breath, I watched him carefully, ‘and I care about you, a lot. Please don’t leave me now. Don’t leave us.’

‘Is that supposed to bring back the old Hailey Ryder? Because it’s not working Matthews. The old Hailey is dead, just like I should be. I want to be with them.’

Why does he tell me this? Now of all the times in the world.

‘Ryder, look at you. You’re in the hospital with both of your wrists bandaged, full of drugs and you’re about to see a f*****g shrink,’ he yelled, swearing out loud again, he ran a hand through his chocolate brown hair, his grey eyes softened as they looked into my own grey-blue eyes, he softly spoke, ‘Hails don’t you understand? You tried to kill yourself, you were almost not here. I mean look at me,’ I looked away and he paused, ‘Hails look at me d****t,’ I looked at him and felt tears burn the back of my eyes, ‘I’m covered in your blood. You are hurting I know, but you need to let us in. Hails, Luci and I, we both love you so much and we don’t want to lose you,’ he grabbed my hand and delicately added, ‘I don’t want to lose you.’

I was shocked, to think that my best friend of so many years liked me more than a friend, the thought was mind blowing, but why did he have to wait till I’m bed ridden in a hospital to tell me how he feels.

Lucia spoke up and gently said, ‘Hailey, honey, we love you so much, more than you can imagine and we’re here for you no matter what. So please, let us in, let us help, let us feel what you feel.’

I looked at my two best friends and realised why I didn’t succeed, I was meant to stay in this world and they were, are my rock. I gently pulled Trent onto the bed, he was careful with the cords that were strategically placed around my room. Lucia walked around and sat on the bed. I let Trent hold me and for the first time that year I let myself go. I let the destructive part of me flow away with the tears that fell at a rapid pace down my face. I had the two things I needed in my life, they were the two most beautiful people in my life. Lucia Summers and Trent Matthews saved my life and I will forever be grateful to have two amazing friends who will stop at anything to make sure I am loved.

Author's Note

I haven't looked at it for a while so if there are any mistakes just skip past them

Reviews

[Billy]

Having been in a similar situation, I can't help but cry after reading this. You captured this unfortunate type of event so well, it's amazing. I can see the tears, smell the blood... Your skill with words is truly fantastic.

[NikAvant]

No - no mistakes as far as I can see. I think You pin pointed some young women of Your generation. What they do in a moment of deep frustration - later on to find out that it was so wrong - because of close friends. Many could learn from reading this short story and avoid the mistakes.

Later on in life it's not that important, because You'll know what true friendship means. Takes years to figure that one out.

I like this - very well done :-)

[Todd Rose]

Wow, what a sad, tender, and touching story you've crafted. You really managed to put a lot into the story of these characters with such few words. I really liked the dialog toward the end and the imagery of the bathroom scene.