A breath of fresh air

Marcus decides to go out for a breath of fresh air

The simple thought of him would not leave my mind. Had he been in the room with me yesterday, or was it a coincidence? I didn't know if I should be afraid, or ecstatic. That mere coincidence could be my brain playing tricks on me, or it could be one more step towards finding an answer. Whichever it was, I was more than eager to find out.

There was no denying I was in love with him. Although I wasn't sure if I ever truly knew him, I had seen him in my dreams for years. I was convinced it was more than it seemed. There were a thousand possibilities I was trying to wrap my head around. Perhaps we were lovers a long time ago, maybe in a past life. Perhaps he was someone I loved, that had past away, and now lingers as nothing but a memory. Maybe he was simply a figment of my twisted imagination, possibly a supernatural being with the ability to invade my mind. Maybe he was real, and my body was trying to tell me to remember, but why would I have forgotten.

What event in my life could of taken place to make me forget someone who makes me feel the way he does. It was a question I was terrified to ask, but I was desperate to know the answer. “Are you sure you are prepared to know the truth?” I asked myself “What if you find out something you didn't want to know.” I was right, what if the truth hurts even more.

Before my time in the asylum I had been living in a man made utopia. It was my own little chunk of heaven right there in my mind. There was no pain, no suffering, no crime. The kingdom was mine, and I was its king. Then thoughts of him began invading my mind. I became obsessed with him. My once beautiful city fell to the ground crumbling into a bed of ruin and rubble. Darkness invaded every corner of the land. My city and it's people fell; and I, their king, was the cause.

After a quick shower and a drink of coffee I took myself outside. It was cold and quiet around me. The grass had a thin layer of ice frozen over top of it, and the windshield of my car looked much thicker than it had last last I seen it. With a glass of hot water in hand I made several trips from the sink back outside, each time tossing the hot water onto my car and removing some of the ice from the windows. The last time I came out I was wearing a black jacket and white scarf, and I had replaced the glass with keys, and an uneasy face.

It had been two months since I had gone anywhere. I had been living in the warehouse alone, growing more and more distant from the rest of the city. Had it not been for the incident that occurred early this morning I wouldn't of even thought to come out, but I felt I needed to get away. I needed some fresh air, some time to think in unfamiliar territory. As the old saying goes, “If you continue to do the same things, you will always have the same results.”

I drove maybe twenty miles north before finding myself in a peaceful chunk of the city. It was a small restaurant in the middle of the row that caught my attention, and forced me from my car. The smell was overwhelming in the most wonderful way. Waffles, pancakes, bacon, I could smell it all. I couldn't remember the last time I treated myself to something quite like this. I rubbed my hair back from my face and looked at myself in the reflection of the doorway. I used my hand to push down the wild red hairs that grew on my chin then stepped inside.

From inside the smell was even more amazing. I wondered how a place that smelt so good didn't have people waiting for blocks to get inside. As the sign said I took a seat and waited for a server. Moments later she came from behind the counter. She was a tall, woman with brown hair and deep green eyes. It was obvious by the looks of her, food wasn't scarce in her cabinets, but the weight on her only helped to extenuate her curves and her naturally beautiful face. “What will it be? she asked taking a notepad and pen from the pockets on her apron.

I looked at her and smiled, she was obviously tired. Her faced lacked the color and enthusiasm you would expect from such a woman her age. “From the smell of it, I'd just about like to order everything on the menu,” I chuckled. “ For starters though, I think I will go with the ham and cheese omelet.” I looked down at the menu again for a moment then it handed it to her without looking back up. I didn't raise my head until I saw her walk away from the corner of my eye.

In an environment like a restaurant I am usually quiet and to myself. I've never been one for awkward contact or large crowds. Of course that probably stems from my issues with thinking. Why would someone with a constant risk of letting themselves appear insane want to go out in public. I never know when I might say or do something out of the ordinary. How can someone like me live a normal life with the constant fear of being judged.

I think my issues with vulnerability started at a young age. Being gay at that time was my biggest ordeal. There were no issues with mental disorders, with loneliness or poverty. My attraction to males was the reason I was an outcast before the schizophrenia set in. I was grateful for being born in the mid 80's. With all the issues I had going on in my later years, a few decades earlier I would have been subjected to electrocutions, lobotomies, and beatings. At age twenty �" eight I had never had a relationship, or even been kissed outside my dreams, as far as I was aware. There was the slim chance that the nameless man from my dreams had once been a part of my life, but without proper proof there was no way to know.

It took ten minutes to receive my omelet, and only two to eat it. With every bite I felt like I became more hungry. The mere taste and texture of it was something that seemed fitting only for royalty, and here I was devouring it in an old New York dive. By the time I was finished I was certain every eye in the room was on me. I wasn't a starving man. I was just a man unaccustomed to a good meal.

After a few minutes of letting the food settle I took myself to the register and paid the bill. I wondered how long it might would be before I came back to this place. One thing was for certain, it was a wonderfully cheap incentive for getting myself out the warehouse. The issue remained, no matter how enjoyable this place was, it was still a distraction, and god knows that was the last thing that I needed. “Don't get too caught up now, there is lots of work to be done.” I told myself exiting the restaurant. “ Don't you think I know that?” I asked through my teeth. For a moment it seemed harder to breath. I didn't want this to happen, not in public. I made a mad dash for my car and sat slowly in the drivers seat before closing the door. “Of course I do, just consider this a reminder.” 

Author's Note

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