Lets Take This Back A Notch

A Story by KalebX_

I cant keep this promise anymore, Im sorry.

Lets take this back a fair few notches, my descent from grace. I fell off a long time ago but i still vividly remember my dreams as a small boy. Ask an 8 year old what they want to be as a child and lose yourself in their vibrant imagination. Surely they will tell you all about the future pursuit of stardom they have in mind, a rockstar, a sporting icon, a policeman, a superhero or an actor. You will smile and encourage them, fueling their egos and keeping them happy. Who is to say they wont make it? You dont want to shatter their dreams of brighter days, a handful of them may make it and suddenly they will see it isnt as great as they thought it would be, lets be honest, the world isnt that kind and even if they do make it, the world has a way of keeping you in check. A child will never be shown the horrors that await them and if they are lucky, they may never see it but i have. I was never a carefree soul, I had to fight for everything. The love and affection from my family, the support and thoughts of my friends, the acceptance of others even though i never really had that. It was almost 3 months, i saw and did things a 14 year old should never have to do. The first month was a breeze, couch surfing and long nights with people i thought were my friends, one's family tried to get me to stay and i honestly tried but i felt like a burden and in the middle of the night i ran. I did what i do best, i put my shoes on and i never looked back. My grandmother saw me, stealing food from a vending machine and convinced me to come home with her, i reluctantly when. I stayed for a night and again, i ran. No one ever helped me when i needed it and id be damned if i let them help. I stayed hidden in her shed, maybe 2 weeks. Breaking into the house when she would leave to shower and wash myself, grab some food and that was that. I think she knew the whole time to be honest but she knew better than to catch me. I was safe, i was content with this life style that i had managed to build myself. Eventually, i was found out by my uncle of all people, the one person in my life who had always been real with me. He asked me to come work with him and i knew this was my second chance. I had an opportunity, an opening for a new door. My cousins kept me together, i wanted to show them that no matter how badly you fall, all it takes is to get back up. I hadnt seen them in almost 2 years, they had got so big and i cried myself to sleep most nights on the couch, my uncle came out one night and told me to stop. "Do not pity yourself, you are better than this" Always had faith in me, uncle i am sorry. I let you down, one night i was cooking dinner, a skill that i had learnt after having no one but me. After dinner the kids went to bed and i was called to the table. I knew what was coming and had prepared a little speech but i got a few sentences in before breaking down in tears. They had made me an offer, go back to school and get clean in exchange for a roof over my head. Finally, a family. The family structure really helped me, i felt like i had the support i needed to chase my own unrealistic goals. Forensics, i wanted to be a forensic scientist, ever since i was 8 years old thats all i wanted to be. Given my new life, i was in for a good shot at it. I had been accepted into the excelled science class in school, i had handed in one assignment and they asked me to swap. I felt so proud when i came home that day, we went out to dinner to celebrate. I was starting to make something of myself, i had not gotten clean but i had managed to cut back to a controllable pace, my aunty was not aware but i had to mention it to my uncle. We had a special set of rules, i was not to come home in a foul mood or high. No drugs in the house and of course, my aunty and cousins were not to know. I had also been out into the excelled sports class too, netball which i wasnt happy about but it kept me out of trouble for awhile. They took one look at my sporting achievements and insisted and near forced me to anyway. After i had been settled for a bit, i started back up in rugby league, i had gone from winger to prop because i had lost my lean slender build and set into this solid build that has now left me horribly self conscious about my body. I had become restless, unhappy with myself and began to slowly self destruct. Drugs, Alcohol and self harm had taken up my spare time, i started to fall behind in school and whats worse is i broke one of the biggest rules in place, i came home after shooting up and spent a week in bed. i had woken up one day and my door was missing. i had lost my privacy. My uncle had told me about the bong and half ounce found stashed in my room. They had not thrown it out, they made me do it. It struct a nerve with me, i had taken everything they did to me and spat all over it. And now im repeating the cycle. i know how to break this cycle and to do that, i have to break some promises. Im failing my nursing, im losing people, ive lost myself. Im sorry.