Never Grow Up (but dont forget to fall in love)

Its like I'm dead and buried.

Now the movies aren't so scary.

& i lay here thinking to myself,

there has to be something else.

Something worldly worth my wild.

& then i think back to when i was just a child.

When things were so simple. 

& all i had to look forward too were my daddys dimples.

But then i think back to when he wasnt there and 

how i was just so scarred.

& our middle names, were just names.

No meaning, but i had shame.

daddy had other girlfriends, 

mommy left,

daddy was home.

It was just him and the bottle all alone.

& i sat there under the stars, feeling my bruised heart.

How i had a broken family, and nobody loved me.

But i wished to be grown.

& now i think about how badly i wanna leave home.

But i think back to how easy it was to be young.

with my messy hair playing in the mud.

Not having a care in the world.

& how the stars above me danced and twirled.

& my cousins were my bestfriends,

but we had to grow up, and it all came to an end.

When i was young, the movies made love so easy.

But i looked at mommy and daddy, and it made me feel dizzy.

It made me feel nauseous, weak and unimportant.

But the substance helped, it was mordant. 

I went from counting beads on a rosary,

to crumbling in calamity. 

I'd like to sit back and tell myself about my differences.

But these substances have a hindrance.

It helped me, myself and I.

The only ones i trust in my life.

Because caskets dont have bunk beds.

& sometimes i wish i was dead.

But i wake up and thank God im alive.

& how badly i regret wishing i would die.

It's like i wake up to breathe in the air God has so 

generously gave me.

& i pray not for favors or a blessing.

But thankful for me progressing.

& having the ability to love, when love 

was nothing.

& thankful to wake up to a man who loves 

me for me and not just for my abilities.

In this s****y fucked up place, 

love has me by the throat.

Telling me my every move in the alcohol my blood soaks.

But the trick is never to act on it, no matter how 

terrible this misery gets.

& i sit here and breathe, im in a state of calm.

But i know im gunna snap again. im and inevitable bomb.

I need to feel this indescribable emotion, this thing people 

call love.

I wanna get sick off the motion, 

from how rocky this life is.

But i get the confidence to stare into his.

I dont ever wanna feel how i felt when i thought 

things were so simple.

I want to feel and hear his voice, they sound like

those songs in churches. The hymnals.

& im mad at myself for not getting to know him more before,

but it gives him time for me to open more doors.

I want to love him more so badly,

but im afraid if theres a thing so much as "too much" love,

than i'll never know what actual love is. & that sadly scares me.

There are things in this world that i dont understand

like war and gravity.

& how i fell in love so rapidly,

when before i had no understanding.

But this man, has flipped my reality so badly 

i have completely lost control of myself.

& that feeling i was feeling, that something worldly,

he is that something else.

Around all of my dreams & fantasies.

He's the one i want to be around for those beautiful bells.

But how can i instill such hope when i have none left of my own,

until this very person looks at me for those brief seconds 

& my love for him grows even more relentless.

I look back to how things were seemingly simple.

but no where near as simple as he makes me feel.

Its like fate has a heart beat, and i want to kill her more.

she keeps salting my wounds, shes a cold-hearted w***e.

Fate isnt an option, i make these choices, 

and i choose to keep choosing.

I will no longer medicate myself. Because medicating my 

creators perfection, is a terrible mistake.

So feed me your soul, and i will no longer be hungry.

If you asked me what my body craved, i could not tell you,

but i could show you so bluntly.

& i am content with my breath because i am alive.

With my body conscious and high.

Reviews

[J.R.H.]

I would normally tell someone this is too lengthy, but because of its personal quality, I thought the length was very appropriate. You poured your heart into it and I enjoyed the read.

[Kala Benfield]

Thank you so much i really appreciate that. This piece meant a lot to me, and it took me hours. so again,thank you

[Justin]

i can relate to this a lot and i love the way it rhymed its a great piece

[Kala Benfield]

It was powerful and very meaningful to me. Thank you so much.