Mirage

Lost in the desert, mirages start to appear. When the last mirage comes its to good to be true, and even harder to let go.

Mirage. Is has to be a mirage. The green towers slowing rising out of the heat haze of the desert, have to be a mirage. It was just a trick of the eye.

            “I told you to follow me Chris. I knew it would be here.” Her voice was now just a whisper.

            “Yeah you were right Resa, and I knew you would be. I’ve always believed in you.” It came out dry and scratchy.

            Honestly Chris had thought Resa crazy for believing in a place she had never been to or even seen. He still thought she was wrong but they had to keep moving. Anywhere was better than here in the middle of nowhere in the burning desert. He never saw a mirage so beautiful as those trees and shade.

            He had been part of a team trying to smuggle the endangered bird houbara bustard out of the Kharan desert. Every year the government gives permits to several dignitaries allowing each to kill a limit of a hundred birds. There was no way to stop them so they decided to smuggle some out to give them a chance to survive. He got separated from camp during a severe sandstorm and was unable to find his way back and now was lost. The desert was filled endlessly with sandy waves. Underneath all the sand was a rocky floor. Chris had walked an endless amount of miles trying to get out. His shoes were starting to wear down from the harsh sun and coarse sand. He lost track of everything. Of time. Of direction. He felt like he should have walked across the desert two fold but he was still lost.

            He hated the desert and its coarseness and wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for his wife Resa. She had always loved living things. She wouldn’t kill an ant outside saying she had no right. The houbara bustard was just something else she was trying to save. His love for her caused him to fall in love with saving things too, but now he couldn’t save himself.

            He looked around and saw endless dunes. Only a lone dead bush gave something else to look at. He needed to find water and quick. He had tried to hold out on drinking his water but it ran out quickly. His pee was slowly turning a darker and darker brown.  Yesterday the first signs of dehydration hit him, and he saw his first mirage.

 

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He woke up feeling fine. His skin was dry but that wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t until he stood up and blackness sprouted across his vision causing him to fall back down that he started to worry. He felt weak and exhausted. He tipped his water bottle back and got the last few drops. He sat back resting and waiting for the sun to rise.

            Where the ground met the sky was a layer of deep purple that tapered up to black where the stars still hung. Slowly the red moved in taking the place of the purple. Orange then came to push the red high up to the heavens. When the sun poked its head and stretched it arms it lit the whole sky afire. Beautiful.

            Chris needed to get moving while it was still bearable out. He got on his hands and knees. Pulling his legs under him and pushing off them with his hands he slowly got up. He stumbled around until his head stopped spinning. This desert was going to be his grave. No he couldn’t let that happen. Not long after he started to trudge on he saw it.

            There was a lone cactus off in the distance. It was taller than he was, but a long ways off. He could hear the water sloshing inside. He licked his lips. If he walked all morning he could reach by the time the sun was at its zenith.

Chris’s body was limp and weak. His head hung from his shoulders only coming up to make sure he was still on track. After a time he looked up only to see a rock jutting out of the ground. How did he get off track? He looked all around him, and saw no cactus, just the lone rock. He had thought it was a cactus. His knees buckled. He fell and just laid there at a loss for hope. He closed his eyes.

When he finally got up the sun was close to setting. He had wasted the whole day chasing a rock but he felt good if anything. Normal days he walked all day only seeing endless desert. He was standing next to a tall rock. It looked like a tall finger poking out of the sand, and he had walked all the way here. He touched it.

            “I made it.” He smiled and his lips cracked and bled. It tasted like iron, and his mouth was moist for the first time in at least a day. He decided to follow the setting sun. Better to try to go one direction than just wander around. The sun was halfway behind the horizon �" the colors come out again �" before he finally set off again. At least it would be cooler at night.

 

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            He was close enough now to know it wasn’t a mirage but it could be a hallucination. Some of the mirages he had seen so far had turned into just that. Touching was the only way to tell for sure now.

            He was looking at an oasis that looked like it came out of a story in the Arabian Nights. There was a sparkling pool surrounded by a small circle of grass and palm trees. Giant desert rocks haphazardly surrounded the outside of the oasis. Only one rock penetrated the oasis making a perfect shade spot.

            “I still can’t believe it’s real Resa. How did you know it would be here?” He only hoped he still had the strength to get there. She didn’t answer him.

There were fruit on those trees! He couldn’t believe his eyes. He didn’t know any palm trees that grew fruits, but he really didn’t care. He could already see himself sitting in the shade with a belly full of water, fruits piled around him, and one in his hand. It would be better than having a beer after a long days work. Chris could feel the juice that would run down his hands when he bit into one. If he wasn’t dehydrated his mouth would be watering.

Chris had walked for hours when he noticed he could feel the air start to cool, and it even started to smell sweet. His stomach cramped from the smell. He fell to his knees holding his stomach in pain. He saw Resa from the corner of his eyes looking at the oasis, then at him.

            “Come on Chris we are almost there and it’s so beautiful. We can pick a fruit of every color and take one bite of each then throw them away, and there would still be plenty hanging from the trees.” For the first time Chris noticed that the fruit were all different colors. Reds, greens, blues, magentas and colors he didn’t even have names for. He saw one fruit that was a perfect circle that seemed to be dripping with blue. It reminded him of holding a blue Jolly Rancher up to the light. It seemed to almost glow blue. He would pick one of these first, and the thought of sinking his teeth into it gave him the strength he needed to move on.

 

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The moon was full, and was bright enough to cast a long slim shadow in front of him. He could even see his breath, and oh how it was cold. He cupped his hands and blew his warm breath into them. He then put them under his arms and up against his chest to try to warm himself. His clothes had been worn thin by the harsh sun and they didn’t help much against the cold or wind. A chill ran through him. He put his mouth in his shirt and breathed his warm breath in and it immediately helped. From the corner of his eye he saw something small run by. He had only seen it because it was a shadow in the night. He stopped dead fearing the worst. His heart raced, and he could feel his veins pulsing.  It had been too small of an animal. It couldn’t have been anything more than a rodent. He took another step when he heard a low growl. A chill ran through him for the second time, but this had nothing to do with the cold. He wished it did.

 

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The oasis was bigger than he thought, but even better it was real. The stones surrounding the oasis were massive. They stood in a ditch that encircled the grassy oasis. The ditch made the oasis look slightly elevated from the surrounding desert. It looked like an island in the sand, and it would be hard to climb up the steep slope.

  “Hey look over here there’s a path that spirals up the edge to the top,” she said it with strength he hadn’t heard from her since they had been out here. Finally he had some good news. The path was narrow and overgrown with grass. He took off his shoes and stepped into it. It was soft and cool, and it soothed his worn feet.

            “Come on Resa let us go get those fruit before I decide I could just lie in this grass and be happy.” And he could. There was water and food up there, except where was there but in the middle of the desert. When he came down he would still be just as lost and not much better off.  He could just lay here and go to sleep till it was over. Who was he kidding he had to fight to live just like he had to breathe. It was just how things are.

            He didn’t bother sitting by the edge of the pool drinking but instead jumped right in with his mouth open. You should take it slow after long periods without water, but whoever said that had never been dehydrated before. He got out of the water when his stomach started to cramp, and hurled behind the closest tree. It didn’t even seem to bother him. He sipped some more water to rinse out his mouth, and while he let his stomach settle for a while he picked some fruit. The trees weren’t very tall and the fruits were just in his reach. Soon there were was a good number of trees picked clean of their fruit. He made piles by the water edge, and in one he put more of the blue ones. After maybe ten minutes he sat next to his pile. Resa had already started eating her pile and juice was dripping off her hands. This time his mouth did water. He picked up the biggest blue one he could find. It was about the size of an apple, but when he bit into it, it reminded him most of a plum. A sweet plum. He tore into one after another, the messiness of it just making them more enticing. He made it through his whole pile and could have eaten more, but instead he cupped some of the clear water in his hands and sipped it down.

            Relaxing by the pool edge he realized how deep the pool actually went. The water was as clear as it could be, but it was hard to see if he was seeing the bottom or the pool just got dark.

            “Do you want to go swimming? I want to see how deep this pool goes.” He asked Resa.

            “You’ve been exhausted and dehydrated and you want to go swimming?”

            “Well yeah. This place is special, but it’s not like I’m going to come back here for my vacation time. I just want to jump in real quick and see.” Curiosity now had grown into a need to find out how far it went.

            “Fine let’s go.”

            The pool went farther down than the light could reach. On the farthest side from them there was a glowing light near the bottom. He surfaced, got a big gulp of air, and swam as hard as he could towards the light. The pool walls went pretty straight down like a rocky swimming pool. One side of the rock wall had a hole blown through it and it led to the light. The hole tapered down into a narrow tunnel. Several times he nicked himself on the rocky walls sending spurts of blood out. The light got more intense as the tunnel started to climb. All of a sudden the tunnel opened up into a giant pool. For a second he thought somehow he got turned around. The light didn’t seem to be sunlight though. It was more dull and white than sunlight was.

The light was coming from millions of glow worms that had attached themselves to the ceiling of an underwater cave. There were more trees down here, but no grass. Instead there was a beach of white sand that reflected the light of the luminescent worms. He climbed out onto the beach and was at a loss of words. This place was magical. He could feel it. The cave was bigger than a football field, and the trees seemed to create a path. He followed it deeper into the cave.

The path led to a pillar of stone about knee high. On it were weird carved symbols. The symbols pulsed a green light. It meant nothing to him so he moved on.

He saw something on the ground in the mess of trees sparkling. He stepped off the path and went into the trees. He saw the object at the base of a tree but when he got closer all he saw were the trees fruit that had fallen off. Oh well at least he could have a snack. He picked up one of the fruits. These fruits were different than the fruits from the trees in the oasis. Very different.

 

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Red eyes popped up out of the darkness all around him. They were only ankle high but there were so many of them. He rubbed his fingers together, and his palms were sweaty. It looked like he had enough water left in him to sweat. A funny thought for someone looking at death. He stood there rooted to the spot not knowing what to do. The eyes were circling him and the growls were getting closer. Much closer and he should be able to see the rest of them instead of just their eyes. Then they all leaped at him. They looked like miniature foxes rabid and starving. Several got a clamp down on him, but he was able to get most of them off. He started to run with some still clamped on his legs and arms. He thought if he could get away from the group he could handle them individually. Chris had no more energy, and he couldn’t run anymore. He tripped over a rock slamming his face in the ground. They jumped on him clawing and digging into his back. They started send blood shooting all over the sand. He sent out a terrible scream. He rolled over violently swinging his arm in an attempt to get them off. There was too many though and they were starving. They wouldn’t let him go.

When he knew he was going to die the world lit up. He heard whimpering and the pad, pad, of scampering feet. The light was bright but he squinted to see what it was. And that’s when he first saw her. Resa. Just another mirage he thought before he passed out.

He dreamed about her. She had been dead for six months now, and she was the only reason he found himself out here. She loved caring for and saving endangered or threatened animals. He never knew anyone like her. There was no one with a sweet of a heart, and who wanted nothing in return. After she heard what was happening to the houbara bustard she came to the desert. She spent years out here trying to save it and to convince locals to help protect it. Her love for the desert was second only to Chris. After she died he dedicated his life to help finish her dream. After only a few months he couldn’t stand what was happening so he decided to try to take some birds somewhere else. He never got to.

He woke up on his belly and rolled over onto his back. He should have screamed from the cuts on his back but there were none. He looked around and she was still there.

“Resa…? How is this possible?”

“That doesn’t matter. Isn’t the desert beautiful in the mornings? I loved this place Chris, and I think it loves me.”

“The desert loves you? Is that supposed to be my explanation?” He realized how silly this was. Talking to his dead wife, and asking how he could talk to her. If anything he should ask himself when he started going crazy. Or maybe it’s just another mirage. One you can see up close and that smells like his old lady. Regardless she had saved him, and…

“And my back. How did you do that?”

He looked around and she was gone. He didn’t see her for long periods of time after that. The closer to the oasis he got the longer she would stay, and she would come more and more often. Soon he was talking to her like she was real.

 

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The fruit he held in his hand wasn’t a fruit after all, but a huge gem the size of a fruit. He picked up another, another, and another. They were all gems. These trees down here grew gems identical to the fruits up top. He used his shirt as a satchel and threw the gems in. Then he went in search of a blue one. It was his favorite after all. The swim back to the top was easier. A bag full of gems can take a load off your shoulders. When he got back to the top Resa was standing there.

“It’s time Chris. I must leave.”

“Wait what? You can’t leave me again!?” He felt lost and hopeless again. She was being ripped from him for the second time. He had gotten so use to having her back he couldn’t stand to leave her.

“The desert let me save something one more time, and now that I have I must go. Rest for a couple days, and then follow the sunset. It’s no more than a couple day’s walk out of the desert. I love you so much Chris. Never forget that.”

“I love you Resa.”He was chocking on tears and barely got it out. He never saw her again.

He made it out of the desert two days later with a shirt full of gems. How weird he must have looked worn and dirty with a bag full of glowing gems. No one could ever find the oasis, but he wished he had looked at the stone in the cave better, the one with the pulsing green markings. It was probably the Heart of the Desert. The Heart of the Spirit and Protector of the Desert. Resa. I love you.

 

Author's Note

My first story that i finished. I have a problem with changing tenses randomly and not knowing until i finish. I think i fixed them all but not sure.

Reviews

[Storyworker]

Sorry for the extremely long delay on this review. It’s been a long weekend.

Mirages are hard to describe. Seriously, mental hallucinations are very difficult to write because of the fact that the brain is so confused and disoriented during a real life hallucination. Confusion is difficult to portray to a reader because the reader usually finds themselves…well…confused and this is something you usually don’t want to do to a reader. You did write some confusing moments within the story, but when it comes to describing a mirage, you nailed it. Sure, the way it was written could use a bit of polish, but the main aspects of a believable mirage and hallucination were present. Great job on that.

I mentioned confusing moments that had been written into the story, and that’s the first thing I want to write about. Confusion is something that you pretty much never want the reader to feel. Sure, confusion is great if you’re putting mystery into your story or using that confusion as a bearable style element, but it is not good if you did not intend for it to be there. And if you did want the reader to be confused, they have to be confused in the right way. Confusion is something that the writer has to be in control of AT ALL TIMES. They must know when the reader will be confused and what they will be confused about. That confusion must also be meaningful to the story and serve a purpose. You’ve written a story about mirage’s so confusion is an obvious centerpiece to the story, but I’m not sure if you have control of that confusion or not.

As your story stands, it does not feel like you as the author are intending to confuse the reader. A reader must be able to feel that the author has expertly put together a story with no mistakes, and right now a reader will believe that there are mistakes being made here. Now, this may not necessarily be what’s happening. In fact, there may be no mistakes being made. You may want to have the reader feel confused. The problem is in your presentation or, the way you’ve written it.

First off, you want to be very sure of your grammar. I’m not going to lie. Grammar was a problem throughout this story. Grammar is relatively easy to fix with some editing, and I won’t get too far into it, but then you have the problem with how the story flows. As it stands right now, your story could do with some sentence fluency. Here’s an example of something from your story that didn’t flow very well:

“The oasis was bigger than he thought, but even better it was real. The stones surrounding the oasis were massive. They stood in a ditch that encircled the grassy oasis. The ditch made the oasis look slightly elevated from the surrounding desert.”
The first sentence is the first problem. I would instead rephrase it into something similar to this:

“The oasis was bigger than he thought and, above all, it was real.” Part of the problem with the original sentence was that it was grammatically incorrect, and this interrupted the flow of the writing. You want to make sure grammar is correct enough so that it doesn’t interrupt flow. Now, my example may not be the best alternative, but it does seem to flow better to me at least. Let’s look at the next two sentences:

“The stones surrounding the oasis were massive. They stood in a ditch that encircled the grassy oasis.”

First off, you use the word “oasis” in each sentence, which creates repetition. You don’t want to be repetitious. Repetition is a bit problem currently in the story, and you’ll want to go through and make sure that you fix this. Second, each sentence is relatively the same size; something that also reoccurs throughout the story. This actually interrupts flow, and causes the writing to lack complexity. Here’s how I would write it:

“The stones surrounding the oasis were massive. They stood in a ditch that circled the area, acting like an unbreakable shield against the dry desert sands.” The variation of both sentence structure and length makes these two sentences flow together a bit better. It’s not a hard fix. All you need to do is add in a few meaningful details, which in turn give the story a bit more quality as well.

Like I’ve just done with each sentence in this paragraph, you also want to examine each sentence in your story, making sure that it is necessary and effective. Sometimes writers tend to put in details and/or sentences that don’t do anything to help the story. If you are going to put any sentence or detail in, make sure it helps the story in some way. You can say that the desert was arid, sure, that shows the setting and shows the dry nature of the place. If you start describing how the sand glittered like glass as the sun touched it though, you want to have a reason for that description. A lot of people say that you want to be as descriptive as possible, but I don’t agree. Sure, be descriptive, but make the description matter to the reader. Don’t just add description for the sake of showing and not telling. Many people disagree with me on this though, so don’t take my opinion as law. Just experiment with it a bit and see how your writing turns out.

You do a lot of skipping around within the plot and it gets really hard to follow. At one point, the character is in the oasis. Then after a ==== the character is back in the dessert. This happens several times. This is a plot inconsistency that seems a bit off. I think I know what you were trying to do with this idea, but sadly, it wasn’t done well enough for it to be effective. I would really write a few different experimental versions of this style so that you can really get it right before you write a final draft. The breaks in time are a style all their own as well, and you really want to experiment with this too before you write a final draft.

Fixing some of these problems should help with the confusing nature of the story. After you’ve taken a look at this and applied some of the suggestions, I’d get some second opinions on the story from others. This will really help get rid of the confusing moments that I couldn’t help with. Everyone gets confused in different ways, and thus you need differing opinions. Honestly, the story was confusing at times to the point where I was confused on how to correct it, so I’ve left some of my unsure suggestions out of this review. Your story has a bit of a ways to go, but you can get there. Keep working on it.

-Storyworker