Something To Help

coronavirus hopelessness

Kelly was online, searching the morning news  for anything that did not contain  political spin.  No success.    A  state which had just delivered  it's biggest week of COVID-19 deaths was celebrating by ending all its safety restrictions.   In the Gulf of Mexico, global warming had produced a tropical storm, weeks ahead of hurricane season.   Armed militias of obese men toting giant guns were taking charge of their state's capital,  protesting public health policies.  Millions of people were expressing their amazement and horror over this online, but no one was doing anything.   Republicans announced that the economy was going to miraculously leap to its feet again tomorrow and the virus would disappear.  Operation Trash-the-World was still in full swing and  she  felt frustration begin to boil.  I've got to do something about this anger, she thought   It's not healthy.   She heard her apartment-mate Amy bouncing lightly down the stairs.

"Guess what?" Amy enthused.  "Bill and I are going to a Zoom party this evening.   It really feels like Bill and I are truly becoming a couple".   Amy scooped up one of the chocolates in the box near the computer.  "Mmmm... delicious".  Kelly couldn't understand  Amy's enthusiasm given the fact that she'd never physically met "Bill".  For all she knew Bill could be some 80 year old lecher thousands of miles away, fantasizing about his youth.  He could  be a bored housewife killing time, the drunk guy who hung out at the corner gas station, or some pimply loser living in his mother's basement.  Kelly's idea of a relationship was waking up  on a cold night and cuddling up to the solid, warm, familiar-smelling body of a real person she could trust.  

"That sounds like fun". Kelly murmured politely.  "The news sucks as usual", she added.  Amy had shown her a picture of "Bill"  who was the human male equivalent of a perfectly done steak.   There were subtle lights and shadows caressing his tanned, athlete's  musculature.     His teeth gleamed miraculously white though each tooth occupied about one pixel on the screen.   His eyes were a celestial blue.

"So don't read the news if it it puts you in a bad mood.  I can't wait to meet Bill  in person.  We think exactly alike... Maybe getting to know someone intellectually first will lead to a deeper relationship.  Oh well, I'd better get going or I'll be late for work.  Do I look okay?"    Amy, who seemed to live in a frothy fantasy world. was still working because her job (sales clerk at the local pharmacy)  had been deemed "essential".  Kelly was not.

"Yup. Have a good one." Kelly answered to the sound of the slamming front door. The book store where she'd worked had shut down immediately  after  the Shelter in Place restrictions were announced.  Yesterday she'd received the news that it was closing down permanently.  Being only a year and a half old, it couldn't withstand three months of no profit.   Technically, the store was owned by her friend Alice (whose family had backed them financially), but  it was also a group effort.  For six months they'd all worked so hard ... All those dinners of pitching their money together to get a delivery pizza after working ten hours straight on assembling shelves, cleaning and refinishing chairs, and painting the place.  They'd gotten their wooden counter along with their chairs and  tables from an old bar that had closed down.   They'd polished it to the max and it gave the place an old-timey 1930's look-- charming and 'alternative'.  Her parents had lent them money for new lighting   The final touch was putting the computer equipment and credit card machine on the counter and  creating a minuscule bagging area next to it.  It looked like "a real bookstore", which was good given the fact that it was a real bookstore.   When they'd opened and their first customers wandered in the daffodils were just starting to bloom  in front of the store across the street.  A year later she'd seen the daffodils blooming again and thought, "Wow.  We did it.  We made it through the first year.  The first year is always the hardest".  Through the exhaustion there'd been an incredible feeling of accomplishment and comradery.   Now all that was gone.  Hopefully, they would sell the stock and the furniture.  The best case scenario was that it wouldn't be a financial catastrophe for Alice's family.  She'd face the dismal humiliation of informing her family that she couldn't pay them back for a long time.  She could hear them now, "We told you majoring in English was a mistake".   It was as if all their working and caring and creativity hadn't existed at all.  She might as well have spent the past year being a drug addict or something.  She should have applied to a big business but she couldn't.  Her way of understanding the world was to start from scratch and build something.

A muzzle with an icy nose pressed itself against her thigh.  Trusty old Zorro,  fat, drooling and loving, surrounded by his usual cloud of loose hair and dust,  wanted his walk.     Okay. This, at least, was solid reality-- there's nothing realer than a bored dog.  She took a chocolate.   Then, dragging herself to her feet she  collected her walking paraphernalia: the leash, her bag of biscuits, a face mask  and "potty bags".  It was unseasonably warm today so her jacket wasn't necessary.

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It was overcast and she noticed an ominous black cloud bank on the horizon.  The weather always came from that direction.  "Fifty minutes away", she estimated. " Not a problem".  The school's athletic field was only two blocks away.  She could make it there, let Zorro do his business and finish up before it started to rain.  

 By the time they reached the athletic field the storm had advanced much more quickly than expected.  "Hurry up, Zorro.  Poop".   Possibly aware of the upcoming storm,  Zorro was no longer interested in a walk.  She steered him towards a tree near the baseball diamond.   'Come on Zorro.  Isn't this a nice place?  Look at this".  Zorro had picked up on her tension and begun to whine.  Oh well.  This had been yet another waste of time.  They'd better find shelter.  Suddenly the dog exploded in panic and bolted towards the school  building, snapping his old leash in the process.  "No Zorro. S**t.  Stay Zorro.    Bad boy." It was useless and she began to dash after him.   She tried to sweeten her voice, which was rough and unconvincing.  "Come on boy.  Not that way.  This way.  It'll be fun".   The sky opened up and began to pour.

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The lightning in the sky  looked like an electric net being tossed over the world.  It wasn't a series of lightning bolts.  It was just everywhere at once.    Tangentially she saw  the field around her, wavering back and forth through the downpour .  Then the tree in the center of the field turned a neon blue- every  branch clearly delineated.   Then it turned orange.    Then it disappeared, struck by lightning.   It had been about 40 yards away.   Reality shivered for a moment.   She realized that it was the thunder clap, so loud that she'd felt it rather than heard it.   

This is hell, she thought.  We've got to get out of here.   She found herself cringing, as though shortening her height by an inch would lessen her chances of being electrocuted.

Zorro had stopped at the  school, a  featureless, starkly modern brick block with no porches and no window ledges.  He was pressing himself against the wall.  Kelly pressed herself against the wall too, inching her way over to the dog's remaining leash.  The storm maintained it's strength... the net of lightning, the non-stop roar of thunder, blinding rain mixed with hail.   She caught the end of Zorro's leash.  They inched their way along the wall, using it to shelter at least one side of their bodies.  Please God, help us, she thought  The corner of the wall revealed another perpendicular  wall,  identical to the first.   Totally  featureless.  No window sills, no stairs, no porches.    A  driveway curved around to meet the wall at the halfway point.  That must be a door.  In the driveway were cars strewn randomly  at a dead stop,   cramming asphalt.   One car's's passenger door flew open.  "Get in," the driver screamed.  

Kelly  surged towards the voice.  Shelter.  Yes.  She climbed into the car and dragged Zorro after her, nearly gagging him on his choke collar.   She slammed the door.  The horrible roaring noise was muted but it still sounded like she was inside a drum.  "Jesus f*****g Christ.  Thanks.  I've got a dog", she gasped, unnecessarily.  The terror and disorientation froze her mind for another minute.  It was embarrassing.  She was literally out of control.  "The dog's friendly.  Thanks.  Oh my God what is this?" She slowly reconnected with the present.  Her feet rested on a large, cardboard box.  Her 40 pound sopping wet dog was in her lap, shaking like a leaf.   There were four small children in the back seat , dressed in dirty, used clothing.  She felt ashamed of having sworn in front of them.  Once of them was a baby.  Two of them were simply wailing, rigid with terror.   The oldest rearranged her hands over her face,  peering out tentatively to examine  Zorro.  The driver was a woman of about twenty five.    After a few minutes of trembling and hyperventilation Kelly focused on her.  The woman's eyes communicated compassion and common sense.  "Jeez... what  IS this?",  she repeated.

"I'm not driving in whatever it is, so we'll just have to sit here and wait it out.  I hope it doesn't wreck my windshield.  Are you sure you're okay?  You've got blood on your forehead...". The car must have been around twenty years old, but it was clean, neat and warm.

"That's just from the hail.  It was sharp. No... I'm okay."  She looked down at herself.  Yes.  Ten fingers, ten toes, all capable of motion.  Zorro was burying his nose in the crook of her arm, still terrified by the drumming on the roof.    She couldn't see any blood on him and he was curled up in a normal position.  "Are you all okay?   You're wet too" . 

"Yeah.  I  left the kids in the car while I went to pick up our food box.  They never even got wet".

"Well, thank God for that," Kelly responded.   "Is this the box?   I'm dripping on it.  I'm so sorry... excuse me".  She rearranged her feet trying not to drip on the box.  The storm seemed to be abating slightly.  Food box?  Didn't they have enough to eat?  It seemed like a demeaning question and she was embarrassed to ask.  This is unbelievable she thought.  The entire world is falling apart.  The best people are going first.   It occurred to her that her COVID mask was gone.  If she had COVID she was now contaminating this little family who'd reached out to her.  If they had it, she had it too.

"No big deal.  Most of the stuff's in cans and I'll be washing the veggies anyway.  Not many veggies this time.  The Food Bank Distribution's in the basement.  What nice people.  At least they're using this building for something".  Oh right, thought Kelly. No school 

"In September I go to school.  I'm four", a voice from the backseat announced proudly. "Hi, doggie".

"Yes.   We'll see, sweetie.  Sometime soon",  the mother crooned.

Kelly adjusted Zorro, so that his head  peered into the back seat.  "You can see him and say 'hi' but don't touch him yet because he's still very scared, okay? His name is Zorro".  Amid a chorus  of  "Hi Zorro's" she noticed that the storm had significantly calmed down.   It was raining normally now.  "My God.  I just saw a tree get hit by lightning back there.  It was like 40 yards away.  The whole thing lit up neon blue and just-- poof-- disappeared.  Did you see it?".

"No.  It probably exploded and shattered", the driver answered.  "It's getting better out there.  Hmmmm. It looks like my windshield didn't get damaged.  Well that's a blessing, at least.  We have to wait 'til these cars in front of us get going.  Are you sure you're okay?  You're kind of cut up".  She started her car experimentally.   "Yup.  It's working fine. No problem".   

"I guess we'll stop dripping all over your car  then".  She reached for the door handle. " Or... do you live near here?  Can I  help you unload the car? Ummm....", she struggled to phrase this politely.  "I have a big stash of canned food at home. Too much, really-- my housemate over-shopped.  If you don't like the stuff in the box,  I'd love to give you a few cans as a thank you.  Maybe it would give your dinner a little... variation.   You really helped me out back there and I want to say thanks.   I'm  just two blocks away".

"Um," the driver hesitated indecisively.  "Um.  I'll give you a lift home".

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In front of her apartment Kelly said,  "Okay, now you wait here a moment.  Don't move.  Okay?  Don't move.  It'll only take a minute".   She towed Zorro into the apartment.  She grabbed a garbage bag, threw open the cupboard,  and began loading the bag with cans.  Finally,  she scooped up the box of chocolates near the computer, placed their gold paper over the chocolates to make them look nice, and closed it firmly.  She put it on top of the cans. Then she dashed outside with the bag. 

 The car was gone.  She'd never even asked the woman's name or introduced herself.  For some reason, she sat down on the sodden grass and cried.

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Her feeling of impotence suddenly became mixed with anger.  "With all this bitching, I'm the one who's not doing anything", she realized. " I'll  at least walk back to the food bank and drop these off".  The  bag was barely wet.  The storm had come and gone.   It occurred to her that she was soaking wet and bleeding here and there.  She hoped she wouldn't scare anyone to death.  But she wanted to take the food now.

In the basement of the school, large sign announced "Food Bank in Need of Donations".  A long line of people, masked and carefully social distancing, waited for food.   Some conversed casually, raising their voices a bit to talk over 6 feet of distance.  Some just stood stock still, with bleak resignation.   Abruptly, she realized that she didn't have a mask.  She  opened the chocolate box and slipped out the gold paper laying on top of the candy.  She held it up over her nose and mouth while she waited.  Forty minutes later, she reached a doorway blocked by a fold out table-- the "counter" of the Food Bank.  

"Welcome!  Here have a mask", the elderly man behind the table said cheerfully.  She put it on quickly.

"Sorry about that.  I've actually come to donate these cans."   She plopped the bag down on the counter.  Suddenly she blurted out, "How do you volunteer at the Foodbank?  I'd like to apply".

"You can apply online but let me give you our form", the man responded.  At least she could do something to help.