Skiourous: The Shadow Tailed

A Story by Kaity Bea

A short story about one man's battle against carnivorous squirrels.

George, man, I’ve been looking for you all day. Why were you standing behind the tree? It was kind of hard to see you back there, but I’m sure glad I found you. I’ve got some big news. We have a problem in Pocatello, and this time I’m really on to something. I know, the doctor’s told you not to listen to me anymore, and I figured you would argue with me about this. Do you remember the guy with the boat? Noah something or other. Well, everyone thought Noah was crazy when he said there was going to be a flood. They didn’t listen, and they probably weren’t very good swimmers either. Do you become a professional squirrel assassin after dark? I didn’t think so. You should pay attention to what I’ve got to say.

I present my first piece of evidence. Follow me. No, we’re not going far. Just right over here. Now stop. Do you see that squirrel? Yes the one right in front of us. I want you to look closely. I know, you’ve seen one before, but you haven’t really been looking have you? You haven’t noticed it, but I have. It’s the attitude. All squirrels have got this attitude. Watch how he just sits there, with us just a few feet away. Do you notice how he c***s his head to the side. See the smug look on his face, the superior expression in his eyes? That’s the attitude. Some people just laugh at them, call them cute, compliment them on their bushy tails, but I’m telling you anything with that much attitude is just bound to cause problems. Just the other day I was stumbling through this alley way, looking for a place to pee, when I saw him. He was clinging to the fence with one hand and scratching his chest with the other. Those beady little eyes followed me all the way out of that alley, probably drooling over the thought of munching on my delicious body. Yes, munching. You see, the problem is, they’ve become carnivorous.

Now he’s running away. Probably to tell the other’s we’re on to them. Yes, I said carnivorous. That means they eat meat. I first began to suspect when I got home after a long night’s hard work. Hey, panhandling can be really hard now a days. People have become so heartless.

Usually when I get home I’m met with empty peanut shells strewn all over my park bench. It’s insulting, them leaving their garbage all over the place I sleep, and where do they get all the peanuts anyways? Are there peanut trees in Pocatello? Do you know? Psh, never mind, this is going to blow your mind.

When I got home I found a bird beak lying on that park bench. Just the beak. Now I know you’re asking yourself the same thing I asked myself. “Where’s the rest of the bird?” And then it hit me. Did it hit you yet? Ahhhh, I see it in your face. And you’re right, that poor bird. Those vermin gone and ate him and probably for the first time, they slipped up. They didn’t dispose of the evidence.

Of course squirrels eating birds is proof that they’re coming after us. Give a mouse a cookie and…that’s right, next thing you know they’ll be eating three story high cakes. It’s the same thing with squirrels and birds.

They don’t come out and attack right now, because that would be too obvious. No, we’re all safe in the daylight, but the winter’s coming and the nights are getting longer. I’ve been switching up where I’ve been sleeping, but I’m running out of places. I’m trying to butter up that lady at the shelter, see if she’ll get me back in.

Crap on a stick, hold on. I’m not hiding from the cops. I jumped behind the bush cause I thought I saw a quarter back here. It was just the reflection of some aluminum though. By the way, have the cops driven by yet? Alright. Anyways, carnivorous squirrels.

It’ll start with missing people, just a few here or there, probably in early fall. They’ll be storing up for winter see. They’ll get the ones that are out late. The good old boys from the bar, the kids painting under the bridge, and people like me. They can be sneaky, quieter than any mouse. The poor victim wouldn’t hear a thing, but they would feel it. Imagine the sudden weight of twenty squirrels on your body, then twenty more, then the biting as they take out pieces of your flesh, turning your body into tiny puzzle pieces that can never be put back together again.

A person could scream, but squirrels, they get their work done fast. By the time anyone took the initiative to find that poor soul the squirrels and body would be scattered, each squirrel taking their bits of bloody flesh to storage, and preparing to find another victim.

Yes I suppose that someone else should notice all this happening, but like I said before, no one’s really looking. I see things. It’s just like those birds in San Francisco. Went crazy, started attacking people. No, I know it was a movie, but I also know, it was based on a true story. I talked to the guy that wrote it. Can’t recall his name. Something to do with Fred I think.

Do you want to hear what I’ve seen or not? Ok, I’ll tell you. There are some squirrels that are against the Eat Humans Act. I had a brief conversation with one once. He squeaked and I listened. I can to understand squirrel. Don’t be jealous, I’ll teach you. For all we know they’re planning on taking over the whole world, it could do us well to know how to speak their language.

The squirrel I that talked to told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea to kill the humans, said that there was no telling what direction the earth would take without humans on it. Unfortunately, the other squirrels didn’t take well to his arguments. I watched, horrified, as he was savagely pushed off a roof and into a bush rigged with spikes. They quickly disposed of the evidence. They’re clever little devils.

You’re starting to get the picture now. I see the horror on your face. Just like that poor bird that was torn away from its beak, he was just one of the first victims. Well pretty soon we’re going to be saying, “Poor Gretal down the street, just five years old and disappeared.” But we know the truth, you and I. We know where she is. In tree trunks and under bushes and God only knows what they do with the bones.

So we’ve got to get ready, because they’re getting ready. They sit on their branches and chew on stones to sharpen their teeth. They stand still when people walk by, getting us comfortable with their closeness and making our noses desensitized to their smell, but their biggest weapon is our naivety. What we don’t suspect, it’s what will get us first.

So this is the plan. Not like last time. I know you were in jail over night, but it’s not my fault you tripped. I didn’t push you. Leave the past in the past would you? We have only one solution. Poison. I have a plan to lace peanuts with poison and plant them throughout the city. There is one problem. Well, maybe two. First, what poison should we use and how do we get a hold of that much of it? Well I came up with the plan, so you’ve got to come up with that part. Don’t look at me that way man, you know I’m low on cash, and even though you never offer to buy lunch, I know you’re not. While you’re getting the poison you could pick up some peanuts too. Lots of them. Unless you know where those peanut trees are? No, alright, we’ll just have to buy them then.

The other problem, we won’t have very much control over exactly what eats the peanuts. We can’t put a sign up that says “Squirrels Only.” They can’t read you know. Well not yet anyways. Even if they could, that might be too obvious. So we might lose some other innocent creatures along the way. Maybe a few more birds, maybe a house cat or two, but this is war. This is war. Casualties will come, they must, but I’m telling you they’ll be a lot worse if we don’t take action now. Just keep your cat inside, or pump its stomach every once in awhile. I’m telling you, it’s the only way.

Oh my Lord. Do you see that over there? That girl just hand fed a squirrel! Hand fed it man. How can we be the only ones that know? Pretty soon they won’t be eating the stuff in our hands. No, no, they’ll just take the whole damn thing, fingers, palm, they’ll probably even start collecting our rings.

So if you’ll pick me up some poison. I already told you, leave the past in the past. We have to worry about the future! Sorry, sorry, I just got a little over excited, didn’t mean to grab on to you like that. Hey, come back! I’m not done. Alright, alright, you go pick up the poison. I’ll be right here when you get back. We’ve got to get ready. Yes, yes, I’ll be right here. I promise I won’t abandon you now. No, no, I’m not going anywhere. Just hurry, I can feel their beady little eyes on me now.