Dilemma

3-9-11

Dilemma

    Introducing Me

I am Holly, and I happen to be 17 years of age. I have snow white hair with black underneath and purple streaks through my bangs. I have snake bites, several other piercings, and a few tattoos. Oh yeah, I shall be that rocker girl you see walking around Phoenix, AZ. This place is just amazing to me. It is a place to just let loose and have fun! There are only a few other people like me here. Those people are; Gabe (Gabey), Lucien (Lucy), Nate (Cupcake), William (Monster), and Adam (Sexy Beast). All of which are my friends, but I have other friends too. In example: Jacob (Jakey), Avril (Gilly), Brad (Brad) Katy (Katy), and Sam (Smiley). I am not that bad of a person. Just I don’t like being noticed too much. I am not all that confident…. I just wish I was. I like pain but I don t know why. I don’t talk about how I feel, I don’t show it. Everyone just assumes I am a loner. I have friends just I don’t know it is hard to explain. My best friends Katy, Cupcake, and Gabey know about this they somewhat understand me and know me. I’m not very pretty in my own opinion but everyone thinks I am. I don’t know why, I think they are just trying to be nice to me. Who knows??? I do, I do!!! They are just being nice. I look in the mirror and most the time I see hideous, ugliness, and just un-pretty. My eyes are the only thing that can actually have the potential of being pretty. They send out messages that no one can read. Yelling help me save me. No one see this. Oh well, I am bi-polar and depressed by the way. Music and friends keep me from going insane. The only friends I am actually close to are Gabey, Katy, Brad, Cupcake, and Sexy Beast. The rest are practically just there to be there. School isn’t much help with anything, I am not welcome there and everyone there tells me. I know it won’t change so I just deal with it. I have dated four guys from that school; one I was in love with or what I thought was love. It was just lust playing its stupid games. It was a close call with him. I broke up with him and he went suicidal and almost killed himself but wanted to kill me first. He regrets it so much now. I felt so bad, still do. I was scared at first, but then I realized he couldn’t do that to me. He was in love with me, but hey love makes you do stupid things. I mean yeah I liked the guy but he put me through too much pain. Emotional and verbal abuse every day we were together. He never called me beautiful, pretty, or anything. Instead he called me ugly and stupid. He laughed with his friends when they told me I was fat and ugly. He wouldn’t stand up for me, but I guess it is okay since I ended that.

   Cupcake

        After school on Friday, all of us were walking home. “Us” includes me, Gabey, Katy, Cupcake, Sexy Beast, and Jakey. Cupcake and I walked a little farther away from the group that day. We flirted like crazy. I mean I like Cupcake a lot. We have been friends since I came here. I know he likes me back just we are taking our time. We even have a club house just for us. No one else knows where it is at. We keep it a secret for multiple reasons. The group slowly disappeared and their voices became faint sounds in the distance. Cupcake looked sad; I walked closer to him and said “Cupcake!!!”

He looked over at me, he smiled. “Um, yeah, that is me. What do ya want?”

“Why do you look sad? No one can be sad when they are with me!” He stopped walking, I turned and as I did his face was just a few millimeters from mine. His breathe smelled like French vanilla coffee.  It’s his favorite kind of coffee. I smiled, he smiled back.

“I look sad? How could be sad? I am quite happy. Especially like this.” He said.

“Sure you are… You don’t look too happy. Well now you do but that’s a different story.” I smiled and leaned a little closer to him.

“Hmmm…..” He picked me up I wrapped my arms around his neck. Then he kissed me. I kissed him back. This is the first time he has kissed me. He stopped kissing me and looked at me. “I was debating on whether or not to do that.”

I blushed “Well, I am glad you did.”

“Me too,” He smirked, I kissed him. “You didn’t have to do that.”

I smiled, “I know but I wanted to.” He grinned and started walking us to the club house. His phone started going off playing Jamies Elsewhere ‘I Didn’t Mean To Interrupt’. I smiled I knew it was his mother calling. He knew it too. He let it go to voicemail. We arrived at the club house in about a minute. He carried me inside and put me on the couch. He went and got us a coke and some potato chips. He came back to the couch and sat down beside me. “So why’d you have to debate over whether or not to kiss me?” I asked curiously.

He looked at me and blushed. “Well I didn’t know if you would want me to or not. And also I was a little scared to.”

“Hmmm well you shouldn’t have been. I like you a lot Cupcake and you know this.”

“Yeah I know, but still. You know how I get sometimes.”

“Sure,” I opened the coke, and took a drink. “Cupcake I have a serious question to ask you.”

He looked at me again. “Um okay, ask then.”

“Would you…… rather have a deaf turtle or a blind rabbit?”

“Hahaha I would rather have the rabbit.”

“Okay. Why?”

“I would want to see how it would get around, without being able to see.”

“Hmmm, well that’s a good point.”
“Yeah, would you rather be in a plane that crashed in the middle of the ocean or in a hot air balloon about to crash into a volcano?”

“Depends, would there be anyone with me in the plane and would I be able to escape from them both?”

“No to the first question and, yes to the second. So which one would you prefer?”

“Hot air balloon, because it just sounds cooler.”

“Well good point,” He smiled, I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder. “Rough day?”

“You have no idea! My day was just terrible and I am not looking forward to going home just to be yelled at and being alone in my room.”

“Then don’t go home yet. Stay here with me for awhile and just talk. I don’t mind Holly. I really don’t. I could spend all day just listening to you talk.” He looked at me and smiled and kissed me.

“Well, okay I will. You make me happy Cupcake. My day could be completely terrible and yet just the thought of you can make me happy again.”

“Holly, I have something completely important to say that I have wanted to say for a long while. I just can never find the words to say it.” I looked in his eyes. I knew what he wanted to say. His eyes consumed me. Those blue-gray eyes said everything. I understood. He looked away.

“Nate… I love you too.” I said it without thinking. It was something I knew without thinking about it at all. His eyes brightened and met mine again. He was everything I needed everything I wanted.

“You do??? Holly please tell me you aren’t joking.” He had a flash of sadness and hope in his eyes.

“I am completely and totally telling the truth. I love you Nate! I am in love with you.”

“Holly, I have waited for so long to hear this. I love you. I knew I did for 3 years now.” He eyes looked so bright and they were filled with pure happiness. Then I got a phone call. It was my mom, but she only calls me when something is wrong. I looked at Cupcake. He put my phone on speaker and answered it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him.

  Bad News

        “Holly!” my mother screamed into the phone.

“Yeah mom, what’s wrong?” I was looking up at Cupcake.

“…… It’s your dad……” She said crying. Cupcake held me tighter.

“Mom what happened??? Tell me!” I said almost crying. My dad has been in and out of the hospital for months now. He has some disease that no one has heard of.

“…. He is…. Holly he is dead… The doctors couldn’t do anything… he is gone.” Cupcake was holding me as tight as he could. I started crying like a 2 year old child that didn’t get her way. Cupcake was kissing my forehead telling me everything is going to be okay. My dad was my hero, the only family member that understood me! How could god let this happen! I still needed him! I buried my face into Cupcake’s chest crying. He told my mom I was with him and that I would be okay. He told her that I would call her back as soon as I got done crying and could talk.

“I know baby. I know. It’s going to be alright. I got you. You’re going to be okay. I swear on my life Holly. I love you babe. I am here for you. It’s okay.” He was rubbing my back, kissing the top of my head, and he just kept repeating those things to me. “I know what you’re going through Holly.”

“HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW??? HAVE YOU EVER LOST SOMEONE SO CLOSE TO YOU!!!!!!!!?” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Holly……. I do……”

“HOW???”

“I lost my best friend before I met you. He was the only one I was close to. He knew things about me that I didn’t even know. He was murdered all because me…..” He almost started crying but he knows how to keep calm. I looked at him once again, I stopped crying.

“….. I am sorry. Why did that happen? How did that happen?”

“……….I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He kissed me. “Right now I am trying to get you to feel a little better.”

“I feel a little better.” I dried my eyes. I put the thought of my dad in the back of my mind. “Tell me the story now please.”

He looked at me and smiled “Don’t lie. Stop trying to hide this it is something that can’t be a little better in a second. It is better to say it right now. I promise I will tell the story later.”

“…. I……I just can’t believe he left me… why would god do this… he was the only family member that actually understood me… I don’t want him gone… I want him to be with me!” I started crying again… He picked me up and put me on his lap.

“I know baby. I know…” He kissed my forehead. “I know what will make you feel better though.”

I looked in his eyes, memorized by them. “Well what would that be?” He smiled.

“Will you be okay if you sit on here alone?”

“I guess.” I looked away.

“Okay then,” He sat me down on the couch walked over to his secret place for his guitar and sat on the coffee table in front of me. “This is for you okay?”

“Okay… play…” He started playing Red Jumpsuit Apparatus ‘Your Guardian Angel’. He sang:

  “When I see your smile tears roll down my face I can’t replace. And now that I am strong I have figured out how this world turns cold and breaks through my soul. And I know I’ll find deep inside me I can be the one. I will never let you fall I will stand up with you forever I’ll be there for you through it all even if saving you sends me to heaven it’s ok.. it’s ok… it’s okkkkay… seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us days grow longer and nights grow shorter I can show you I’ll be the one I will never let you fall I will stand up with you forever I’ll be there for you through it all even if saving you sends me to heaven cause you’re my you’re my my true love my whole heart please don’t throw that away cause I am here for you please don’t walk away and please tell me you’ll stay……  use me as you will pull my stings just for a thrill and I know I’ll be ok though my skies are turning grey…..”

 

I smiled and cried. He knew I wanted the guy of my dreams to sing that song to me… He is the guy of my dreams. It was surreal. His eyes were so mysterious but they showed so much love in them. His voice drew me in. It was like I was hypnotized by it. He made me feel better. He made me feel beautiful. No one has ever done that before. Just I can’t be with him, I can’t have us ending in heart break. I need him to always be there for me and that is what he is trying to prove right now but I can’t let myself trust anyone anymore. I used to trust everyone now I don’t even trust myself very much. He makes me trust him without even saying anything at all. I don’t understand it but I understand I am madly in love with him.

     The Next Day

        I woke up, my eyes hurt. I looked at my phone 25 new text messages and 3 new voicemails. I cried myself to sleep on Cupcake. My mom must be worried. Cupcake was wide wake. He stayed up all night looking after me. I felt terrible. I didn’t feel like thinking or doing anything. I am scared, I am worried, and I miss my dad. He would have known what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start, I just don’t know. I am lost. Cupcake rubbed my back, “It’s okay, and by the way it’s not your fault.” He kept said. He kissed my forehead.

“What are you talking about?” I felt like a helpless child. Cupcake, he is everything to me now. He is the only one that could possibly understand. We have the music playing. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is on repeat I don’t know why but they seem to make everything better.

He looked at me. “While you were asleep you kept repeating ‘It is my fault. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.’”

“I was talking in my sleep?” My face turned bright red.

“Yes, but it is okay. You had a stressful day. It wasn’t your fault.” He pulled me closer to him.

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry for Holly.” He looked down at me. “Well if you wanted to be sorry for anything it would have to be hitting me in the face multiple times when you were rolling around.”

He smiled and laughed, I felt my face go bright red again. “Oh great, I am sorry. Did I really hit you?”

“Yeah, you did.” He turned to the side and I saw red slap marks.

“Oh my gosh!!! I am so so so sorry.” He smiled.

“It’s okay sweetheart.” He kissed my cheek. “It didn’t hurt too badly.”

“I’m sorry.” I smiled and felt my face slowly turn back to normal. I cuddled closer to him.

“Well don’t you think you should be getting up?”

“Why would I do that?”

“It is about to be like noon.”

“WHAT?!?!?”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to wake you. You looked quite peaceful.”

I smiled, “Well thank you for letting me sleep but I needed to get up.”

“I didn’t know that. I called your mom from my phone. She is okay and knows where you are. She said that when you are ready you should come home.”

“Okay, that won’t be soon.” I said; he bent down and kissed my forehead.

“That is fine with me but I think you are going to need to see some people, like your family.” He looked at me. I knew he was practically right.

I started to stutter as the tears poured out of my eyes. “I…I...I d…d...d…don’t think I want to.”

“Holly…” He sighed. “Look I am not saying it’ll be easy but in the long run it’ll be good for you.” He looked at me; his eyes showed that he was worried. I couldn’t quite figure out what other emotions were there, but I could tell there was something else. Something that felt eager and nervous and fierce. When I didn’t answer him, he sat me down on the couch, he stood up. He slowly walked towards the window and ran his hand through his hair. “Holly,” He paused. “Holly?” He looked back at me.

“Yeah…”

“Will you please at least try, for me? Try to see some of your family. Not all of them just a few. I’ll stay with you if that’s what you need me to do. Holly remember I have been in your position. I know what it’s like I know the pain of it. Please Holly. You know I’ll do anything for you.” He stared at me. His eyes seemed to be more gray than blue right now. I turned my head to the side and stared back. My eyes held the answer to his question. He understood. "I love you"I thought.

“I love you too.” Cupcake said.

“Huh?” I said curious of how he knew I was thinking that.

“I love you too, I said.” He smiled and came back over to the couch and sat down next to me.

“How’d you know I was thinking that?” I said, wondering if I had said it out loud.

“I can see it in your eyes. When you are happy your eyes start to sparkle, when you are sad your eyes always twitch, last night when you said I love you your eyes light up. Your eyes light up so I thought you were thinking that.” He blushed and looked down. “Was I wrong?”

I reached over and started holding his hand. He used his other hand to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop pouring out of my eyes. “No.” I stated slowly, even though I knew I didn’t need to. Then without a second thought, I kissed him.

         Meeting With the Family…

          Cupcake forced me to get up and go home to see people. I wasn’t going to. I do NOT want to go home just to face the people I have been hiding from. My dad’s funeral is in five days and I “need” to help the rest of the family through this, but what about me? Who is going to help me get through this terrible death? My dad’s death… The only person who actually makes me feel better is cupcake… Cupcake will always be there for me, I can just tell that he will. Never will I have to worry about that. He has a way of showing me he really cares and that he won’t ever leave unless I want him to, he does it without even saying a word… Cupcake said it about time to leave our hide-out and get home, I still think otherwise. We take off walking down the road. I took off my shoes and walked on the grass that’s covered with rain droplets. The coldness is intense. My feet feel as if I stuck them into a bucket of ice cold water, but it takes my mind off of where I am walking to.

Author's Note

this took me a while to write.. Keep in mind it's not done yet... Honest review please

Reviews

[Jim Parson]

This is a really emotional story, Kaitlyn, told well. You've described all of Holly's different emotions well, making me wonder if this might be autobiographical. The only advice I have is to be careful with your tenses. You've written this in past tense but every now and then, you slip into present tense. It needs to be consistent throughout. Also, you should add some descriptions throughout... make your readers see everything about their surroundings. A good story. I hope you write more.

[Jill Wallflower]

It could use some more explaining but other than that it was good. well written. It was long :D Its so sad, made me sad so that shows how well written it is

[Jessi Berlasty]

"I am Holly, and I happen to be 17 years of age. I have snow white hair with black underneath and purple streaks through my bangs. I have snake bites, several other piercings, and a few tattoos." I think there's a better way to start out the story. It sounds amazingly formal at the beginning, like 1920s, but as you go along it diminishes. It needs to be consistent. and when you're discussing the friends. It seems odd to have it in the middle of the part where the character is introducing herself. "I have a few tattoos, these are my friends, I'm not a bad person." It needs to be organized better. Like explain the main character, then the friends, and then past relationships. But I even think giving the past relationships up right now is too much for the beginning. You have to leave a little mystery behind your main character and give it up during the duration of the story. And it seems that Holly is going to be a white (essentially all good) character. You have to make her a grey character (a mix of good and bad), so she's more believable to your audience and also it adds more plot to the story. Also it's more challenging to you as well. There's too much going on too soon. Space it out, take your time. Explain everything. Where's the clubhouse? When did Holly and Cupcake meet? When did Holly and Gabey meet? Has she always lived in Arizona? What are her parents like? How do they take her rebelling of social norms? There is so much room for explaining.