Ash(revision)
A Book by Jordan
 So here's my second attempt on Ash.  © 2015 Jordan
Author's Note
 |
This is Ash, a sort of prequel to Dust.
The male lead of Dust is Vaughn. The female lead of Dust is Yael. Ash is her story.
|
Featured Review
|
|
A grimy story of desperation and survival against all odds. Your character Yael is definitely a fighter, a young warrior. I wonder what actually happened to her Mother. Personally, I prefer the first version of this story. Granted there were some typing errors here and there but your other readers already pointed them out. Besides that, I feel It was more organized than this one. I understand there was a bit of mystery to the events at hand and to some of the characters, but that could work to the advantage of a story sometimes.
Overall this is a really good project. Well done.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
|
|
7 Years Ago
Thank you for taking time to read it. I haven't had nearly as much time to work on this as I thought.. read moreThank you for taking time to read it. I haven't had nearly as much time to work on this as I thought. It's in development hell right now. The whole series is. I've been trying to take a step back and look at it all because I was rewriting the entire first version. What exactly makes you like the first version better?
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Thanks for the response. Maybe it's just my imagination but the original version seems to have a bet.. read moreThanks for the response. Maybe it's just my imagination but the original version seems to have a better structure for me while reading. Not so much extra detail to distract from the storyline. I hope that makes sense to you. Like I said it's probably just me and the way my mind works. If the majority of your readers prefer the revised version then that's probably the better one. I do think it was a good addition to reveal Yael's exact age.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Basically, your "Introductory Rant" section helped clarify a lot. So I'm not saying the story should.. read moreBasically, your "Introductory Rant" section helped clarify a lot. So I'm not saying the story should have been deliberately vague just for the sake of vagueness.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
I get what you're saying. Limit the exposition, right?
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Yes I guess that's what I saying in so many words. For example part 2 in your revised version had so.. read moreYes I guess that's what I saying in so many words. For example part 2 in your revised version had some details that though humorous, I don't think they were necessary. They did not hurt the story either. Specifically the second paragraph describing her unpleasant experience eating MRE's.. etc. Correct me if I am wrong but the way I see Yael is that this ordeal has made her militant. And this is her chronicle of events in the natural style of a militarized person. Nothing wrong with expanding the story but maintaining that style of narrative. Only you knows the true vision for this story. And where you want to take it. I haven't been logged on here a while, but I will find some time to read both versions again and maybe I can be more specific. Unless you already get my drift. I hope you will work on Dust and post it here soon.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
I think I see where you're coming from. It actually made me read over it again. I have 40-ish days t.. read moreI think I see where you're coming from. It actually made me read over it again. I have 40-ish days to work on it as much as I can so that's what I'll do.
|
|
Reviews
|
|
A grimy story of desperation and survival against all odds. Your character Yael is definitely a fighter, a young warrior. I wonder what actually happened to her Mother. Personally, I prefer the first version of this story. Granted there were some typing errors here and there but your other readers already pointed them out. Besides that, I feel It was more organized than this one. I understand there was a bit of mystery to the events at hand and to some of the characters, but that could work to the advantage of a story sometimes.
Overall this is a really good project. Well done.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
|
|
7 Years Ago
Thank you for taking time to read it. I haven't had nearly as much time to work on this as I thought.. read moreThank you for taking time to read it. I haven't had nearly as much time to work on this as I thought. It's in development hell right now. The whole series is. I've been trying to take a step back and look at it all because I was rewriting the entire first version. What exactly makes you like the first version better?
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Thanks for the response. Maybe it's just my imagination but the original version seems to have a bet.. read moreThanks for the response. Maybe it's just my imagination but the original version seems to have a better structure for me while reading. Not so much extra detail to distract from the storyline. I hope that makes sense to you. Like I said it's probably just me and the way my mind works. If the majority of your readers prefer the revised version then that's probably the better one. I do think it was a good addition to reveal Yael's exact age.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Basically, your "Introductory Rant" section helped clarify a lot. So I'm not saying the story should.. read moreBasically, your "Introductory Rant" section helped clarify a lot. So I'm not saying the story should have been deliberately vague just for the sake of vagueness.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
I get what you're saying. Limit the exposition, right?
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
Yes I guess that's what I saying in so many words. For example part 2 in your revised version had so.. read moreYes I guess that's what I saying in so many words. For example part 2 in your revised version had some details that though humorous, I don't think they were necessary. They did not hurt the story either. Specifically the second paragraph describing her unpleasant experience eating MRE's.. etc. Correct me if I am wrong but the way I see Yael is that this ordeal has made her militant. And this is her chronicle of events in the natural style of a militarized person. Nothing wrong with expanding the story but maintaining that style of narrative. Only you knows the true vision for this story. And where you want to take it. I haven't been logged on here a while, but I will find some time to read both versions again and maybe I can be more specific. Unless you already get my drift. I hope you will work on Dust and post it here soon.
|
|
|
7 Years Ago
I think I see where you're coming from. It actually made me read over it again. I have 40-ish days t.. read moreI think I see where you're coming from. It actually made me read over it again. I have 40-ish days to work on it as much as I can so that's what I'll do.
|
|
|
|
Stats
1219 Views
1 Review
Added on July 17, 2015
Last Updated on July 17, 2015
|
![[send message]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/mail.png){kind=small}
![[befriend]](https://www.writerscafe.org/images/friend.png){kind=small}
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Flag Writing