Part 9

Yael, almost by divine providence, meets Vaughn.

I hurried as fast as I could, but the morning patrol had decided to get up early that day. A couple men came around a corner at the same time as me. I dropped the bag and tried running but ran into two more officers. One man went through the bag and they all realized I was the thief. I was scared to death, but all I could think about was what would happen to Molly. The officers decided that I needed to be punished before they took me to jail. They said no one was around to hear and that their boss wouldn’t mind.

They threw me onto the ground. One man held me down while another started ripping my clothes. I prayed that someone would hear me and I screamed for help at the top of my lungs. One of the men grabbed my throat and told me they’d kill me if I tried to scream again. Another man covered my mouth and tried holding my legs down. I bit his hand and screamed again. As soon as the second scream had escaped, thunder echoed through the street. The man who was holding the bag had a hole in his chest and had dropped to his knees. He fell to the ground dead and the other men ran away wetting themselves and pulling up their pants.

I looked back and saw a shadow standing over me. I started crying because I thought that the shadow had just scared the others away so he could have me. But then the shadow reached down for me and helped me up. And that’s when I saw you, the stranger in the gas station. By some divine irony, I stole from you and you protected me. You didn’t say a word. You just grabbed your bag and started to walk away.

Author's Note

It's supposed to be a first person narrative. I want to flesh it out as much as it needs. Let me know what you think needs changed, dropped, or expanded on. Be critical.

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Kaiju,

I have not read all the nine parts. And I see Eileen has already given you some valuable pointers, to which I can't but agree. Next to this I have two minor suggestions for the above part:

"decided to get up early that day" -> "had decided...."

""thundered echoed -> "thunder echoed"

Just minor details, but still, I always am grateful if someone points them out to me..

General note: also in the above you can add more detail and emotion. Elaborate on the looming threat of the patrol nearing in on her, describe her struggle, describe her rescue in more detail.

Hope it helps, good luck with Ash/Dust.

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Jordan]

I'm grateful too. I look over things and usually catch a misspell, but words in context usually go undetected. I'll fix those right away.

Hopefully you can read the other parts and point out some more errors.

[EileenM]

Kaiju, I left out the minor grammatical stuff deliberately. I figure that's always the last stuff to be tweaked unless it's such a glaring error that it changes the story too much. My two cents.

[EileenM]

It's a good start. But you're right, it needs fleshing out.
* What big event happened that left such devastation everywhere? You don't have to go into a lot of detail, but the reader needs to know something. I kept waiting, and... nothing. Nada. ZIP.
* Who is Cheyenne in relation to the rest of the story? Why is he important? You mention him as though the reader knows who he is and why he's important in the town. Even in the next few paragraphs, it's kind of vague. He's HMIC, but why? How? Who died and made him Elvis?
* What is this Zone thing?
* Yael's name is not mentioned until the fourth chapter, nor is her gender.
* There's no dialogue until the fourth chapter. Although the chapters are short, this is quite a bit of tell, and not a lot of show. More dialogue throughout the whole story would help move your story forward, even if it's Yael talking to Molly. You can add descriptors, give out information, explain the actions of the other characters, etc. through the dialogue.
Chapter 3:
"We kept wandering, scavenging, we had to if we wanted to survive."
Alternate:
"Dad, why do we have to keep moving?" I was hungry, tired of moving all the time, and just... tired.
"Yael, it's not safe to stay in one place when there are so many marauders. Staying in one place makes us careless, and easier to find. Moving keeps us on our toes. Do you understand, little one?"
I nodded my head to please him although I didn't want to agree.

Do you see the difference?

* How long is this story going to be? Is this the end of "Ash"? If you flesh out the story with more show, more dialogue (especially dialogue), the chapters will get longer. Good or bad? Depends. As it stands, with such short chapters, it feels like there's too many. That may change with revisions.

I like this, and as I said, it's a great start. I'm looking forward to reading Dust. But right now, I have too many unanswered questions that are getting in the way of truly enjoying this story.

[Jordan]

Yeah, I didn't go into that because it's the subject of Dust(the main story that leads up to). But now I'm thinking that maybe she knew a wee bit more thanks to her dad. That way it doesn't leave the reader completely in the dark.

I suppose she deserves a fully fledged short story...first person is probably a bad idea for this. Whether I stay in first person or switch to third, the story is gonna get a lot of meat. I've spent the last couple of weeks just looking it over to see what to add and where.

I'm just glad SOMEONE finally left a review after reading the whole thing. It helps a lot more than getting to the first section(they're not even chapters, I just broke it up to make it easier to get through) and asking "what's going on?"

[EileenM]

As it is, it is a short story, but as I said, needs some fleshing out. First person is fine for Ash. Dust is a different story, and will need a different narrator, or narrators. Experiment. But tweak Ash first.

[Jordan]

Check ya inbox, gurl.

[Sesame]

Hello Eileen,

Compliments on your review. I have read several parts of Ash, not all, mainly because of the things you mention. But reviewing this thing thoroughly is a great gift to give.

Regards,

Sesame