Part 2

Yael tells about the tent city.

When we got there, we found out that Cheyenne had completely abandoned our zone. The tent city was run by a Cheyenne station. They had plenty of supplies and ways to get more, but they were stricter than ever about how they gave it out. We stayed for as long as we could, but my dad knew they would run out eventually. He always told me that when it came to life I needed to keep my hopes high and my head low. I didn’t know what he was talking about back then. All I knew was I was glad we didn’t have to walk anymore, and I missed my mom.

We stayed there for about a year. There were hard times with the others there and with the guards, but it was better than being outside starving to death. One day people started talking about Cheyenne leaving for good. And then the truth came out. The Cheyenne Republic officially shut down. Everyone started panicking. They didn’t understand what it meant for the future. The guards were able to keep everyone calm, assured them that there was still plenty of food, but my dad new better.

He didn’t want to stay around and watch what happened at home all over again. We started packing what little we had, sneaking a little extra into our bags. Some soap from here, a cup from there, things no one would miss. A few days later he was ready to leave. It wasn’t a moment too soon. As we were heading for the gates of the tent city a fight broke out between some of the refugees and the guards.

We ran for the gate and heard gunfire behind us. We didn’t slow down until we were out of sight. By the end of the day everything was quiet. The guards either ran out of bullets, or things to fire at. We only saw a few people from there again. None of them wanted to talk about it. A year after losing everything we were homeless again. With Cheyenne shut down, this time seemed like it would be permanent.

Author's Note

(Check out the first revision of this section here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kaiju/1589691/)It's supposed to be a first person narrative. I want to flesh it out as much as it needs. Let me know what you think needs changed, dropped, or expanded on. Be critical.

Reviews

[Joanna Maharis]

Perhaps in the 2nd to last paragraph, you could put descriptions pertaining to what the main character was able to see of the fight. For example so and so struck another so and so in the jaw, The other so and so threw retaliated by striking so and so in the ribs with his fists. The 3rd so and so took a big shovel and clobbered the first so and so on the heard. So and so topples over forward on the ground. The possiblities for the fight scene are endless. Even if the main character only caught a glimpse of the fight, there could still be details he or she could have seen while he or she was running with his father for the gates.

[Jordan]

I'll have to add some of that when I flesh it out. I'm thinking of adding some glimpses of desperation to show the tent city as a miserable place.

[Joanna Maharis]

The would be beautiful.

[Jordan]

I was hoping for ugly lol I believe part 4 is the ugliest this version of the story gets. It's hard to do ugly in first person because you're limited to a single POV and if they don't experience something then it doesn't get included. That's one thing I'm happy about with Dust(the story that this is a sort of prequel to). I get to go third person and show as much ugly as I want. However, the end of this is the beginning(sort of) of Dust and in both cases I have trouble/reluctance describing attempted rape. Not because I lack the words, I lack the heart.