Part 1

Yael begins telling her story.

             I don’t remember much about life before all of this happened. To me it seems like a past life, or a dream. My father was a police officer, but when Cheyenne took over he didn’t see a point in continuing his career so he stayed home with me. My mother was a nurse so Cheyenne made sure that we were taken care of. I remember thinking it was strange that everyone had to have a yellow card to get food. I thought it was even stranger that we had two cards when most people only had one.

I was happy, but my parents used to talk about how things were when they were my age. I didn’t mind. It was all I knew.We didn't have school, so I played with the other kids and Dad taught me at home. Once a week, we would go to a big building, wait in line for hours, then show people our cards and get food.  That was life.

One day when we were standing in line, the people in the front started yelling. One of the Cheyenne troops fired into the air and everyone got quiet. He climbed onto a truck and told us that there wasn’t enough food. More men with guns lined up behind him and aimed at everyone. The man on the truck said that if everyone stayed calm they would have food in the next couple of days. No one seemed very happy about it, but walking away hungry was better than being shot.

A few days later everyone was tired of waiting for food to arrive. I don’t know how it all started, but at this point it doesn’t matter. I was at home with my mom. My dad ran in, yelling for us to grab what we needed so we could leave. While we were throwing things into a big bag, we heard yelling and gunfire outside. We grabbed our dog and whatever we had in the bag and went outside. I was scared and kept asking where we were going but they never answered me. We just kept running down the street.

It didn’t take long for the sounds we heard to catch up with us. People were killing each other, burning houses, and ripping away whatever someone else had. My dad picked me up and started running. All I remember after that is seeing my mom disappear into the crowd of angry faces, and my dad telling me to not look. I never saw home again.

We just wandered around for a while after that. The next town we went to had been looted, people were dead in the streets, and there was no sign of Cheyenne anywhere. We looked through what was left hoping to find anything edible. After that, we kept walking. We crossed paths with a group of people who said they were going to a tent city.

Author's Note

(Check out the first revision of this section here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kaiju/1588695/)

It's supposed to be a first person narrative. I want to flesh it out as much as it needs. Let me know what you think needs changed, dropped, or expanded on. Be critical.

Just applied the first edit to this section.

So you're not all lost and so I don't have to make everyone read an entirely different post to know what's going on, here's a brief description of just what the heck is going on here.

Ash is a sort of prequel/character backstory to Dust. Yael, the lead female from Dust, is telling her story. She was somewhere around 10 when Part 1 takes place. By Part 9(aka the beginning of Dust) she's in her early 20's.
I wrote this off of a character bio I wrote to get to know her. Because she was so young when it started, I wanted to keep her in the dark about a lot of things. Unlike Vaughn(the male lead of Dust) she wasn't exactly in the loop of the apocalypse. She was just a victim of circumstance.
In the beginning she claims she doesn't remember much from her childhood so the first few parts are short of detail and jump around. The latter parts I try to add more detail and more story because she's older and more aware at that point and things are fresher on her mind.
That's the effect I was going for at least.

But now you know more so hopefully that will help. :D

Reviews

[EileenM]

I'd still like to see a very brief explanation of what "Cheyenne" is. It would make these sentences a bit more clear.

"My father was a police officer, but when Cheyenne took over he didn’t see a point in continuing his career so he stayed home with me. My mother was a nurse so Cheyenne made sure that we were taken care of."

They make it sound as if Cheyenne is a person instead of the free Republic.

[Jordan]

"Free republic" ...and I'm already fixing it. Pick a number from 1 to 25.

[EileenM]

"at least 10 characters" it says. I pick "4."

[EileenM]

Oh, and it's coming along nicely. Me likey.

[Braden Freeman]

You seem to have skill, so that is not an issue. I agree with you that some places might be lacking detail, so maybe flesh out those areas. Just keep it up, which is what I try to do with my own writing.

[Jordan]

All I need is time to sit and work on it, but where on earth can you find that? :)

[Michael Wright]

First it is well written but not enough detail. A bit short in some aspects overall

[Jordan]

On the bright side it's well written. :D

But yeah, I tried limiting details in the beginning and then as I moved to the end I added a lot more detail. I was going for the memory fade effect since its first person.

What parts need expanded on in part one? People have said add dialogue but that contradicts her saying in the very first sentence that she doesn't remember much about her childhood. And since I'm expanding the whole thing to try and get at least 7500 words I would really like to know where I need to expand in the rest of it. They're not so much chapters as they are sections since this is a short story. I thought it would make it easier to take in if it was in parts.

[Joanna Maharis]

Overall, this is a beautiful story. However, in the 2nd Paragraph, it would be good to show the story by having the parents interacting with the children through using dialogue and description, and have the parents talk to the child about their own experiences. Perhaps they are sitting down at breakfast when the conversation is taking place.

The next scene could consist of the child interacting with the other children on the playground. Ad description and details about the playground and the children. Describe what's taking place on the playground. Also, incorporate dialogue, conversations taking place between the children. It would also be good to get inside of the heads of the children to show what they are thinking silently to themselves.

[Jordan]

That would contradict her saying she doesn't remember much about her childhood, wouldn't it?

[Joanna Maharis]

Yes, of course. I'm sorry, I forgot all about that.

[Jordan]

I think what I'm needing is to build off of the platform I have. This section certainly needs work, but as far as expanding on things I don't think there's much here. In the rest of the parts, I'd love advice on what to add though. I'm thinking parts 2 and 3 need a little padding. Go into deeper detail about those time periods. If you haven't already, you should read some other sections. The story pulls together a little more.

[Samuel Dickens]

Generally, I think it's very good. There are several places where I'd like to see a comma, but I understand it's a "thing" these days for writers to be stingy with them. I believe this sentence should be reworded slightly and split into two. --"I played with all the other kids, we didn’t have a school so my dad taught me at home, we had a dog, and once a week we went to a big building, waited in life for hours, and then showed people our cards and got food." I suggest something like this--"We didn't have school, so I played with the other kids and Dad taught me at home. Once a week, we would go to a big building, wait in line for hours, then show people our cards and get food." If the dog is important, you might insert that somewhere else.

[Jordan]

That does sound better. I the things that people have pointed out are a result of me trying to condense my outline into this form. So I think the next step for improvement is just go back and expand everything.

And after English last semester I've gotten into the habit of using commas very sparingly. I always used too many. I'm still figuring out the sweet spot for comma usage.

Other than grammatical issues, any problems with the story or POV?

[Samuel Dickens]

It'd be good if we knew a bit about the setting. Is it post apocalyptic? What's the narrator's age and gender?

[Jordan]

I take it you haven't read the rest :) it goes further into the apocalyptic side but I didn't go too far into detail because I wasn't sure at the time how much she knew about the apocalypse. I kept her in the dark aside from a few things here and there.

[Samuel Dickens]

Since it says "Part One", I figured it was the beginning.

[Jordan]

It is. I broke it up into what I felt were connected sections and cutoff points. It's a slow start, skips around a little, then speeds up(with the natural "x time later" to skip parts I thought wouldn't be interesting to read or write about). Parts 2 and 3 really shows the collapse whereas Part 1 just seems like "oh! An incident has occurred!"

[Jordan]

Applied a couple of small edits to start with, and added a little more background information in the author's note. Hopefully it helps for now while I work on fixing it as a whole. :D

Thank you for the advice. I put it to good use.

[Sesame]

Hello Kaiju,

I am interested in reading more. I think this is quite well written. A few minor points for improvement:

waited in life -> "line"?

We grabbed out dog -> "our"?

I was scared and kept asking where we were going but they never answered me. -> although I can figure who she is asking, it is not mentioned. Who is "they"?

Hope it helps.

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Jordan]

I didn't realize I had so many mistakes. "They" is her parents. I guess I should make that a little more clear. To quote my English teacher "Each sentence needs to stand on its own legs without leaning on a different sentence's information."

How about expanding? Should I go into more detail about anything?

[Jordan]

Fixed a few things. Hope it holds long enough for me to finish my overall fix to the story.