A Particularly Articulate Child Interrogates a Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg

A Story by Chris Krueger

A child's brother chokes on the lead toy inside of a chocolate egg, leading to his death. The child decides its time for some answers.

So, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg, if that even is your real name, do you know why you are in my room, rolling back and forth on my night table in Ms. Duggies' usual spot? You know who that is, right? She’s my bear. A Teddy Bear, to be exact. And today, today of all days, she is not where she should be. And the fault lies with you, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg. This is just one more thing for which you shall never be forgiven.

Please, respond. Oh, is that how you’re choosing to play this? By smearing your melting milk chocolate shell along my pristine, white Fisher Price night table? Do as you wish, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg. Do as you wish. These desperate wishes will not save your delicious outer shell from the law, nor will they save you from my mouth.

I was not a witness to the hour when my brother attempted to swallow, whole, one of your spawn. I was not aware of your small, plastic inner core. Is this a vital organ? The brain? Was this tiny lead figurine of the cowboy Woody from Disney Pixar’s Toy Story some variety of parasite? A sort of pilot, perhaps? If so, you are not to be explicitly blamed for your actions. Speak now, or I will be forced to assume you accept full responsibility for the murder.

Your response is to further melt? Foolish.

It did not have to be like this, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg. This death, this questioning, the trail of brightly colored tin foil which lies in my wake after spending near ten minutes removing your wrapper. This must have been painful for you. Being flayed alive, the slow removal of your smooth, shining tin foil skin, is not a walk in the park. It did not need to be like this, but it is, and that small episode of torture you endured at my hands, is only the beginning for you, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg.

This is getting me nowhere, and your refusal to cooperate accordingly, or to defend yourself, is shocking, but, at the same time, comforting. I will enjoy eating you, bit by bit. I will make it a priority to first remove the hazardous item from within you so as to avoid a fate similar to my brother. You will watch me remove it, and it shall be displayed proudly as a trophy, placed right next to my Lionel train set. Think about what you've done, Mr. Kinder Surprise Chocolate Toy Egg, as you await your consumption. This will come soon; mark me, so long as Mother approves my request for dessert.