Liam and Tea: Truck scene

Tea and Liam are racing to a warehouse where the Council, a Darkness political body, has decided that Tea must die because she knows too much about their world.

The roar of the truck screamed as we raced through the night.  His guard was all around us as I lay there, stunned at what he just said.  Looking up at him, I marveled at how he could be so calm, so cool as he contemplated my death.

 

“Liam,” I choked out.

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them and looking down at me.  “Don’t, Tea.  Just don’t say a word.  You wanted to be in this world, you wanted to know what it was like to be what I am; well now you have your chance.  There’s no choice anymore. It will happen and it will happen tonight.”

 

Liam knelt by my head and passed his hand over my hair. His eyes were kind as he gazed at me but his face spoke volumes.  He was deadly serious about this.  He said I had no choice in the matter but, in fact, neither did he.

 

“Liam,” I managed to get out before he silenced me with a finger to my lips.  Pissed now, I twisted my head to the side and spat at him “Damn it all, Liam! Let me talk you a*****e.”  I heard a chuckle from one of the men gathered around us, quickly choked off as Liam glared at the guard.

 

“What,” he asked tightly, “could you possibly have to say to me right now, Tea?  Other than to curse me for what is about to happen when we get to the warehouse.”

 

I gave him a frown as I explained, “I know it’s going to happen, Liam.  I knew going into this that eventually I would die and that was fine, I was ready to go.  But now, now I don’t want to die.  I want to stay here with you, Liam.  I…”

 

My voice gave out.  I couldn’t say that I loved him, not in front of all these strangers.  None of his usual guard was with us, no one I knew, no one that would be able to give me the space needed to let my feeling show.  I looked back up at Liam wondering if he knew what I was going to say, what was surely going to be my last thoughts as the life drained out of me.

 

He looked at me oddly. “Tea, do you know what’s going to happen?”

 

“Yes,” I replied, somewhat dully.  Of course I knew. “Someone from the Council is going to drain me.  I know too much about your world, about the Council and about the Darkness.”  I spoke in a monotone not wanting to care that I was going to be some unknown elitist a*****e’s meal for the night.  I moved restlessly against the bed of the truck wishing that I could sit up, wishing that I could be alone with him, in his arms just once before I died.  “Liam, I just have one request.”

 

“Tea,” he started to say.

 

“SHUT UP and listen to me,” I yelled.  “Liam, my final request is that it be you who does it.  I want you to be the one who kills me, not some unknown and uncaring Councilman or executioner.”

Author's Note

Please be kind. I like criticism but only when it's constructive! Liam and Tea are very new to me although it feels like they've been with me since birth.

Reviews

[Shawn Odette]

Hello, I came across your story and was intrigued enough to read further. The story has piqued my interest but I don't really know how to critique it. Is this a chapter from the middle of the story? I need to know the background a bit more to know how you got to this point. As for what is written, there are a couple of minor syntax errors where you didn't put a space between words but a quick edit will find and cure that. The only other item I would address is the lack of transition from them driving in a truck in one paragraph to him kneeling by her head and running a hand through her hair in the next. I think you need another paragraph or two that shows them stopping and leaving the vehicle. Other than that it just needs a bit more editing and some added smoothness to the dialogue. I look forward to more of the story. As for my rating system, a 50 is completely neutral, neither good nor bad, so anything above 50 is above average in terms of style, grammatical integrity, enjoyability of the story, continuity, and originality. I take all of these into account to give an overall average to the rating. 51-60 is above average, 61-70 is good, 71-80 is very good, 81-90 is great, and 91-100 is a story that I believe is ready for publication. I gave yours a 74 as it is a very good story overall but needs some tweaks and clarifications. Let me know of any future edits you do and I will gladly take a look and reevaluate. Also, please give my stories a look if/when you have the time and feel free to add any critiques, comments, or suggestions.