"I Love You"

This was just weighing on me.

Saying "I love you" is still so foreign to me, unless its to my insanely crazy family. But when I say it to you, it scares me. It scares me, because it means I've lost the battle with the promise I made myself years ago. I'm terrified, because that means you'll find your way past my stone walls and iron bars and resign among the mess I try to hide away. It tears me apart, because I don't want to trust you. I don't want to get my hopes up, let you in, only for you to one day change your mind and walk out on me like so many before. I am horrified of this feeling and I dread giving my heart away when it had just begun to heal. I don't want repeats of crying myself to sleep every night, wondering if you are telling me the truth of your love, and bracing myself for it to crumble. I've seen too many nights filled with despair and hopelessness. I've already spent enough time on the shower floor crying as the hot water burnt my flesh, my sobs muffled by my hand covering my mouth. Nor do I wish to walk on eggshells or fear for my own safety, because hands are meant to make love, not inflict pain. Then my brain brings forth my fear of being degraded like some sort of animal, the bruising of my spirit and pride. 

I know you are not the men I have dealt with in the past and I am not the women you have encountered, but my brain is telling me to be on guard and to be prepared for the worse. In the long run of things, I do not trust you or anyone, because at any moment you can pull the same move that others have, and I refuse to fall to that pain again. I refuse to fall victim of broken love.

So do I mean it when I say "I love you"? Yes -a million times yes, but that doesn't mean I trust you with my heart. I apologize for that too, but I am so scared of that pain again. I just can't face it anymore. I love you more than you'll ever know, but my heart is staying with me.  

Reviews

[Haniya]

thats amazing
omg i really loved how u captivate the reader only with the words u write

[Leon C]

I loved this.

You capture the fear and pain of exposing the old wounds and the doubts and uncertainties that haunt all of us. I am reminded of the John Cleese film 'Clockwise' where he states he can cope with despair because he knows what that is and what will happen but then adds that he hates hope because it always betrays you.

You also bring to mind something I read about the walls we build around ourselves for protection soon become our prisons.

A wonderful thought provoking piece.

[AlexValkyrie]

Natural instincts tell me to encourage you to not be afraid. But fear is what keeps us safe and alive. Fear helps keep us human.

All I can tell you to do is to be patient. And do what your heart tells you.

I love you.