Straitjacket

A little last year but still adds to the unrealiability of the story...

No one believed him when he told them,they said he was crazy.they put him in a straitjacket,in a psychiatric hospital. Yet despite this treatment his mind raved relentlessly and he just couldn't ignore the forthcoming doom.He could not forget the fact that the world was ending and that unless he acted quickly his wife and their only child would be gone forever.they represented everything he ever loved.The calculation which cemented his belief was simple.After reading the bible he had become convinced of the 2nd coming and further investigation had shown that God's symbolic numbers were 4,7,10 and 12. He calculated a particular prophecy in the book of Daniel about the 49 weeks and saw that they ended in 1914 and then it had dawned on him that this year 2014 made it exactly a 100 years, 10 tens which was a significant number.Added to that was the fact that 2 0 1 4=7 which was the ultimate significant number of God. His mind was made up, the world would end in 2014 and the only hope of escape was to take his family to the holy mountain as described in the book of Revelation.that mountain, he believed, was the same mountain the Ark of Noah had settled after the great flood. For months he had prepared for the journey he had worked and saved fastidously, he had excerted strong efforts to get passports for his family from the usually frustrating embassy. What is more, he had even warned all his friends and relatives with great earnest that the world would end,they thought he was joking and they had thrown him here when he had tried to move his family to Turkey. That was the real cause of his frustration,that he was locked tightly in a straitjacket, trapped in a prison,desperate for escape,for a chance to save those he loved and hopeless for there was no means of escape.But just as the last flicker of hope was about to be quenched,he noticed something strange happening to his bounds.they were loosening! They ripped apart of their own accord, as he freed himself he saw that the door was gradually opening and he lost no time in leaping towards the door and letting himself out of the room. The corridors were empty he felt like peter in the book of Acts who had an angel rescue him from prison,only this was better for there were no guards,no orderlies,no one to oppose him as he ran feverishly through each door in search of an exit which he soon found. Outside the hospital the whole city was choatic. The night sky had blood red hue with violent claspes of thunder and bright flashes of lightening, from heaven massive balls of fire rained down on the city, gutting the various structures in fire while fiery horsemen gigantic and strong trampled on those who escaped. there was panic everywhere,an intense fear. In the midst of piercing screams and desperate cries for mercy he could feel a strong persistent rumble from deep in the earth, a choking smell of burnt flesh and of sulphur with the violent display of raging fire. Then from a distance he saw the earth began to give way, buildings toppled over and were instantly buried. Crazed with fear he began to run madly in the opposite direction,once he stumbled and cut his hand on a piece of dislogded rock but he got up swiftly.his thoughts primarily on how to reach his family and get them out to safety.He knew the road to his house and took it,racing for his life and life of those he loved.houses crumbled at his side,men were slain, the great quake continued and the fire fell and scalded his skin, burning into his bones with intense pain but still he ran until he saw his house curiously undamaged by either the fire or the quake or even the fierce horsemen.he leaped for joy when he saw this and quickened his steps, the price was in sight.And then the ground around him caved in and he found himself sliding into certain doom his skin scratching on the coarse tar,impulsively he stretched his hand to hold a protruded piece of metal.more earth fell on him, a large piece of rock fell on his left leg trapping him firmly in the large hole and no matter how frantically or how desperately he tried to free himself it just wont let go of his leg. He looked longingly and watched helplessly as his house was destroyed by a single ball of fire and as it slowly descended into the bowels of the earth along with everyone he ever loved. He screamed like a maniac, he weeped bitterly, tears of indescribable grief rolled down his blood stained cheek...

Two nurses observed the man writhing violently on the bed of the psychiatric hospital.
"What is wrong with him?"asked the younger nurse.
"We are not sure."replied the older nurse,"He keeps having hallucinations about the world ending and his family dying in a sinking building."
"But are they dead?"
"No.if only the doctors can make him believe that, then he would be free to leave the hospital. Till they do,give him the usual tranquiliser."
"Yes madam."


END

Author's Note

Thank you so much for taking time to read...its enough. If you can point out ways to make this better then i'd be even more grateful(that's a lot of gratitude mind you)

Reviews

[Woody]

I've absolutely nothing to say about the narration and the descriptions. this is quite good, Charles. I liked your story.
a couple of remarks though. try to break up this big block into smaller paragraphs. more often than not, I've seen reviewers make this same remark.
also, you need a space after a full stop and a capital letter.
sorry for the nitpicking.

[Taylor]

Returning the favor of your review of "Making History." I critique as I read. My intent of course is to be helpful as well as constructive and supportive. If I fail in that, please accept my apologies. I only give honest critiques because that's what I prefer for myself and I assume other writers do the same. Therefore, accept praise as genuine and criticism as a tool for improvement, if it makes sense to you. If it doesn't, get as far away from it as you can! I also hasten to say that I am a lone reader and what I say may not be worth a grain of salt.
1)" No one believed him when he told them,they said he was crazy" -- there should be a semi-colon between "them" and "they," not a comma. No comma after "straightjacket."
2) " he just couldn't ignore the forthcoming doom" -- would be better to delete "just" and "forthcoming." Neither word adds anything and slows the pace.
3) " The calculation" -- start a new paragraph. At least American readers want short paragraphs. A whole, long block of writing seems tedious even if it isn't. It signals to the reader that they're likely have to trudge through something.
4) " 2 0 1 4=7" something like "in his mind's eye, he saw the year 2014 as 2+0+1+4=7, which he knew to be God's most significant number." End the paragraph there and start a new one with "His mind was made up."
5) " For months he had prepared for the journey he had worked and saved fastidously, he had excerted strong efforts to get passports for his family from the usually frustrating embassy." This sentence of course needs to be broken up into individual shorter sentences. However, it also demonstrates an essential problem with the story thus far and that is that the story is "told" rather than shown. This sentence could be quite powerful turned into several scenes: a scene showing how he was saving fastidiously -- what did he do to save -- go to the market and haggle for lower prices, skimp on food for his family? Dialogue between him and his wife could demonstrate some of this. Another scene of an exchange at the passport office with a description of the passport office could demonstrate what he went through in potent terms. Think of filtering the story through the five senses, rather than summarizing the end result of his actions. So much of the story is what he was thinking. That's fine to do, but interspersing details about where he was physically as well as mentally, who was around, what were the smells, what did it look like, what noise was there would bring this to life.
6) " What is more, he had even warned all his friends and relatives with great earnest that the world would end,they thought he was joking and they had thrown him here when he had tried to move his family to Turkey" -- This should start a new paragraph. Why not try and make this into a scene in which there is some dialogue between him and another person or persons -- I could see him visiting his parents and some dialogue between them, then going frantically to another relative's home and showing him making anguished gestures, grabbing someone by the shoulders to reinforce his impassioned pleas, going out into the street with a bullhorn and yelling at his neighbors. You get the point.
7) "That was the real cause of his frustration,that he was locked tightly in a straitjacket, trapped in a prison,desperate for escape,for a chance to save those he loved and hopeless for there was no means of escape.But just as the last flicker of hope was about to be quenched,he noticed something strange happening to his bounds.they were loosening!" - Show this -- what did the room look like, did it smell of urine from the next cell, was there screaming, rantings from other patients. Describe the bounds as they loosened, slowly, methodically, one latch at a time.
8) " he lost no time in leaping towards the door and letting himself out of the room. The corridors were empty he felt like peter in the book of Acts who had an angel rescue him from prison,only this was better for there were no guards,no orderlies,no one to oppose him as he ran feverishly through each door in search of an exit which he soon found. Outside the hospital the whole city was choatic. The night sky had blood red hue with violent claspes of thunder and bright flashes of lightening, from heaven massive balls of fire rained down on the city, gutting the various structures in fire while fiery horsemen gigantic and strong trampled on those who escaped" -- this is more like what I'm talking about -- it has movement. As an aside, I don't think we run "feverishly." Describe what "chaotic" looked like: cars stopped In the middle of the streets while drivers ran away, horns blaring, crying, screaming, babies left in doorways, etc.
9) " Crazed with fear he began to run madly in the opposite direction,once he stumbled and cut his hand on a piece of dislogded rock but he got up swiftly.his thoughts primarily on how to reach his family and get them out to safety" -- start a new paragraph. You don't need "crazed with fear. Show the reader what he looked like when he was "crazed with fear" and the reader will understand that, feel it, see it. Was his face red, sweat seeping through his shirt, was he gasping?
10) I'm not sure about the ending -- and that refers back to the beginning. I think it would help to anchor the piece if in the beginning there was a well-defined description of the setting of a psychiatric hospital--then it would be easier to circle back around to the hospital in the last scene. I don't mind the ending at all, but I think it could be improved by a slower pace and again showing -- perhaps two nurses going along a corridor dispensing meds and the conversation between them when they arrive at his room. Just a thought.
I feel as though I've been very heavy handed and I hope that that isn't the case. These are only my opinions and I certainly have been wrong before, perhaps now as well. I like the story and the concept. There were parts, especially where you were describing the end of the world which were dynamic. I think that if you increase the amount of dialogue, focus on showing, then you will have a very interesting piece. The reason I have quoted so much and suggested paragraph breaks as I note that others have suggested that but I thought it might be helpful to show it. With kindest regards, Taylor

[Charles Kadib]

At the end of every review they always ask if you find the review constructive, my answer to this one is yes, it is constructive. It is the most constructive review I have read so far in writers cafe, and that's no flattery. I had written this story with the aim of making it a flash fiction and partly also to accommodate the defiencies of my old device which only gave me the luxury of just 5000 characters(inclusive of both paragraphs, punctuation marks and even the gaps between words with the result that nall of the stories i have written so far are reallly short). But not to excuse myself there are honest or more precisely ignorant mistakes that you have pointed out. Mistakes that woulld be corrected now that I have a more flexible device. I want to thank you for taking the time out to tear down this work, I want to assure you that your suggestions were quite important. And No, I don't think you were heavy handed as a matter of fact I'd go as far as saying you've done me a huge favour. I am really grateful for the advice, I will certainly re-work this story and do better next time...

P.s. I am so ashamed to ask especially as I know there's absolutely no reason for you to do this and this might take some of your time but id just go out on a limp and ask it.
Seeing how well you critiqued this piece, I want to ask for another favour, is it possible for you to also look at another of my story titled Superman and tell me what you think? Of course you can always refuse but I'm really hoping that you do.
Would be eternally grateful if you did...thanks a lot, Taylor

[whaley6600]

This is very good..Needless to say., I loved it. Keep up the good work.

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Wow... Great story. I loved it!!!
It was very trippy and enticing... I see great potential in your writing, Keep it up!

C. Lee Battaglia

[Mr. Box]

The ending is dark and depressing, but it also satisfying and is also a good twist. I didn't see it coming. The story is unique and I love the way the main character tells it through his perspective. This story has much potential, I suggest you can give more details and dialogues to it. Thanks for sharing.