The Passing

Your short anxious breath shall always flash through my thought
It’s a memory I wish to trade, yet it has been permanently bought
You always taught me that life goes on, everything flows
Human life burns down like a candle, next stop nobody knows

I watched you as you slept as the colors of Autumn crept in
A melody of red hues reflecting on your ever paling skin
Endless day spent together staring up into the hills
Silently acknowledging changing of moments which eternity fills

Your acceptance so natural, I was screaming inside
As the leaves started to fall, internal tears found where to slide
Knowing what lay ahead, somewhere around the next bend
You had lived a full life, found peace toward the end

Catching the affectionate breeze proffered up for our pleasure
‘Twas the autumn preparation before cooler weather
Noticing the slight changes of the season each day
The allure of colors filling our hearts along the way

Ever smiling and sensing my fear of you gone
You would laugh, you would joke, teaching me to be strong
Holding your hand as you drifted from here to the new
Close to the end of your life, saying ‘time to start something new’

My anger rebelling and cursing this disease
Whilst ever stoic you enjoying the gaze through the trees
I look at you sleeping thinking of the wisdom you did deliver
Showing me the world, the universe and ever flowing river

The leaves keep on falling, your candle burnt down
This journey is over, in my own tears I do drown
The hole left in my heart was howling, gaping wide
The time after you left me, sadness I was unable to hide

In sentiment I watched as the seasons rolled by
The slight changes each day releasing my cry
Passing through many a cold winters night
The pain slowly subsiding, offering more light

As I watched out the window where many hours passed
Where we sat side by side not knowing how long it would last
Alone I gazed and wondered what next life would bring
Then I smiled in your memory seeing new life beginning in Spring

Author's Note

the task of this poem was on Autumn ... please review I do wish to improve .. :)

Reviews

[Chris]

I wonder of how it would read aloud without forced rhymes and with that thought also goes where else might it have gone if your mind was free to be you?

The rhyme wasn't bad or wrong - the task was met. The flow stumbled - least as I read it aloud. The counts were off which broke the rhythm. But that could be me and my accent and tone choice.

[KWP]

yes ... I have been told this before ... I appreciate your honesty ... (with or without your accent) :D

[Kathy Van Kurin]

"The Passing"
KWP,
How beautiful the memories shared here. Your use and description within the medium of seasonal changes is very good!
I love that kind of writing.
Second stanza:
"I watched you as you slept as the colors of autumn crept in
A melody of red hues on your ever paling skin."
and:
"The leaves kept on falling, the candle burned down."
and;
"In sentiment I watched as the seasons rolled by."
And hopeful ending:
Then I smiled in your memory seeing new life beginning in Spring."
This writing was a honest portrayal and I sure did appreciate the love and honestly given tribute to the memory still living within your heart.
Blessings,
Kathy

[KWP]

Hi Kathy, Ah, you discovered an oldie. Funnily enough even when I was writing this one, it moved and shifted me. I remember it totally filled the time and place I was in that moment. This was written not long after I started writing poetry - you are a gem for stopping by - Thank You X

[Matching Socks]

Well done my friend, good to see you stretching yourself to try new styles.

[realmwriter]

I like it but I have to say that I really didn't think it was about Autumn. I though it was more about the memory of a lost loved one and the pain of regret through indecision. Your voice is undeniably strong in this but your over all tone is off. The rhymes feel a bit forced and the meter breaks at certain point where it shouldn't, makes me stumble over the words a bit. But I really do like it. Hope you're not offended by my words, I only mean to help.

[KWP]

cheers you - honesty is what I appreciate more than any bubbles and fluff so thank you for taking the time to review and give me something fresh to think about xx

[realmwriter]

You are welcome then. Always trying to help. I would expect no less.

[Brittany Zedalis]

╰☆╮This is absolutely marvelous..I'm not a fan of the coloring going on but the poem itself is very, very well written..╰☆╮

[KWP]

cheers chick - yes I really should change the colors ... bit of a cut and paste job :) xx

[R Smith]

Its a really beautiful poem for starters but if you want to improve it then as I have been told before about my stuff, you have to shorten the lines, the rhymes are great but you seem to be using to many words in a line, its just tiny changes but it will make a world of difference to the flow as a small example:
Ever smiling and sensing my fear of you gone
You would laugh, you would joke, teaching me to be strong,
just change teaching to teach, to me that sounds a massive difference but only a tiny change, go through it and find unnecessary words I have done it with mine and believe me it works, hope you don't mind me interfering with your work :)

[KWP]

not at all interfering - this is an old poem of my and no doubt in need of revision and editing ... thanks boss xx

[R Smith]

Boss! huh, just send me cash now and again lol

[hardeep sabharwal]

First of all I did not like the color pattern which makes the read rather difficult,, adding it is a nice read and I enjoyed your work,, a good job I say :)

[Rene Salinas]

When asked how to improve in poetry, the question already seems to lead to the demise of reason, which inturn would offer nothing, but treason to the question asked wiuth such cohesion. But as it is about a season and we often go free fall to free standing in an ever moving demanding we can do nothing but to try to be aware without the need for a stare without the need to possess or require so,to be able to perceive how with the yellowing of the leaves there is a descent of the springing and sprouting life, but how the sensible becomes yellow in order that the essential aspects can live in the yellowing as such — to be able to perceive how in the falling of the leaves the ascent of the everpresent takes place, how the ever - evolving is the counter-manifestation of the fading sense-perceptible; this should as a perceptive feeling.

Like a beautiful sunset that was so unkindly mistaken for a dawn.

Thankyou

[willweb]

I enjoyed this poem today KWP and I believe a poet should write whatever way they like the best, but you did say you wanted some feedback to improve. I have to agree with Chris below, the meter bounces all over the place, but if that is how you want it, then I am good with it. I really liked how you brought autumn and the universe into this.

[A. Amos]

Your short anxious breath shall always flash through my thought
It’s a memory I wish to trade, yet it has been permanently bought
You always taught me that life goes on, everything flows
Human life burns down like a candle, next stop nobody knows

"human life burns down like a candle, next stop nobody knows."

Again simply marvellous, you my friend are one crazy soul and on the journey you takes you reader my God!
Deep, dark, insanely romantic and metaphor of universe, you know you're who you are. It's delight to be in your world of words. Thank you letting me witness genius work.