Why am I afraid of you showing up?

I triple lock the doors, I keep the house inspection-ready.  I lock the windows and have all my papers hidden from view.

Why do I check the tire marks in the driveway, why do I look out the window first thing to make sure you aren't out there?  You're not.  You're not coming back.  It is beyond irrational but it is a constant fear.

But why is it even fearsome?  You showed up once before and I dealt with it just fine.  Was friendly and conversant and helpful to your grumpy, blaming and punishing behaviour.  What is the worst you would do?  Yell?  Blame?  Lash-out?  Be hurtful, irrational and arrogant?  I lived with that for 14 years.  And now I've made it clear it is not something I am willing to live with anymore.  I have stood up for myself.  I have drawn the line.  I have communicated that clearly.

So what am I afraid of?  Getting drawn back in?  It's not going to happen; I am well past that.

Being hurt?  I really don't think anything he says will be allowed past the drawbridge of rational, measured thought.  Being triggered and feeling back that helplessness?  Maybe, but that's not him.  That's me.

And I don't need to be afraid of me.