Dec. 16, 2014

The first chapter is the first letter Gina has ever written. It is her not-love letter to her not-boyfriend that helps her come to terms with her emotions.

I’m only writing this because I am high and I can’t sleep. Oh, God, do I wish I could sleep, but more then that I wish I wasn’t so cold. It’s almost like I can feel the blood going away from my toes and fingers. The AC is set at 72 and I’m wrapped in three blankets but I am still so cold.

Maybe I would be warmer if I had you here to hold me? But I know I shouldn’t want that. For starters, you aren’t mine and I’m not yours. To clarify, I am okay with this, I don’t really think I ever wanted you to be mine. But whats the point of holding a knife if the only thing you can reach for is the blade? 

Maybe T was right, maybe I am just self- destructive and addicted to the pain. But at least now I see where my hand is going, the next step is to pull back.

Sorry, I got distracted. Anyways, you aren’t mine because you are hers. This has out weighed my lack of desire for you, and is probably the number one reason why I won’t text you tonight. Because she thinks of you like the stars and the moon, but to me you are a passing cloud that keeps the sun from my eyes. I could never steal her night sky just for a bit of shade. Ha, but I did, before I knew. 

Well, thats not true. I knew, I knew damn well because you told me. You told me that you kissed her and I saw you with her at the mall. But, like I said, I was holding the knife by the blade and I kissed you anyway. The awful thing is that it wasn’t once or twice. I kissed you again and again, from head to toe. I showed your body what it felt like to feel something. I kissed your neck and let my finger tips trail across your stomach. I shouldn’t have and for that I say I’m sorry.

But I saw you again today. I tried to put down the knife and push you away. To be honest I never expected that to work. I guess when it comes to you I need to learn to hold the handle. And I am trying to learn. When she said that she kissed you I tried not to let in phase me. And when you laid in my lap, your warm hair on my cold cold legs, I didn’t kiss you. I don’t know if you noticed but I never look in your eyes. No, I stare down your lips. 

Oh, those pretty lips. Dry and thin but still able to kiss. I stared down those lips and thought of what they felt like. They felt like something, and to me that was enough to be memorable. They felt like the sun when it got to hot, a danger I didn’t want to pull away from. Even though I can admit that I don’t want you, the truth is those lips are the best I’ve ever had. Your hands on me, the way they grip and tug, well they are enough to drive me crazy. Those lean fingers slowly working their way up my thigh, sending shivers of anticipation. I thought of all this and I stared down your lips but I did not kiss you.

When she opened the door she saw us and she closed it. It was a good thing she came because my will power was growing weak. But she shut the door and you chased after her. Later that night you told me that the two of you weren’t a thing. I think you lied.

Maybe I can ignore all of this. Maybe I can hold the blade so lightly that it doesn’t actually hurt me. Maybe I can call you up and you can be the fourth blanket, the one that actually keeps me warm. And maybe I could learn to see you like the night sky. But we both know none of those are likely maybes. You are just a cloud and the knife will never stop cutting my palm.

Author's Note

Please give me opinions. Do you think it needs more details, such as names. Also do I have this in the right genre, it's kind of experimental so I wasn't sure.