On the bad days.

I found my affliction
The degradation to my determination
Its name is instant gratification
A lack of patience
A believe of somthing missing
In need of replacement
Or purchase, procurement
There is no cure for this
Yet it is not hopeless
Just thankless
The path that guided me,
Addiction, dopamine,
Sex, wealth, methamphetamine,
Alcohol repressing the demons within me
Depressants to keep me drowning
On the uppers that make me feel free.
Now I lie here in sobriety
At the midpoint , short term goals complete,
Yet the long ones too far away to see
It seems so hopeless so pointless,
I begin to question if it's worth it,
Try to rationalize a way to justify a purchase
Warring beneath the surface,
Salvation from captivity within my brain is an easy bill away from me.
Yet alas my progress would cease and tomarrow those goals would be just as far from me, if not running steadily.
The things I want I cant have
The ones I want to hold me I cant grab
All the things i give away never seem to come back
So i wonder what good is this path,
Why must I stay strong and forge on
For so long
When others get what I want by giving up,
Someone steps to them to hand them a trophy, a consoliditory award,
Whilst my hands empty and arms lonely
How can this be winning?
First place got told he was great
Yet has nothing to show for it.
All the extra attention and labour and thought, countless hours of tuning, refinement and improvement all for naught.
I sell my self by the word and yet I remain upon a shelf,
Im a habit that most abstain,
I'm a poison in a vein,
I'm a patient, in-patient, captivated, tortured and insane,
I'm a prize left unclaimed,
I am good, I am great, yet feel unloved by some and from others I sense hate.
I have talent, i have drive, i have a destination, but no one will notice when i arrive, so i wonder
Why i try
Why dont i lie
Why am i alive
Why didnt i just die
I've tried so many times
But to my fright
I awaken every night.
Why.
I need a sign.
I need a hint,
I've fixed myself nothing left except scratches and dents
I atoned, I repent.
Why then do I feel so spent,
Yet without value.
Pressure from within my skull
Ripping me apart begging me to give
Relapse , rewind, relax, it's fine
Just do it, one more time,
Not like you'll miss anything important in your life,
My demons taunting me at night
Their voices echoing , bouncing around
Inside my mind, as I try to hide behind
Fabricated line after line,
That I've designed to keep me inline
Employed, and fine.
Productive, progressive, not so damn dejected, rejected, disrespected
I must escape this hatred,
This fear, this anxiety writhing , constantly within me, I open my mouth to sing yet my voice is weak with envy
As I try to pretend to be happy
I watch the faces around as they do it genuinely, expertly, naturally , flawless
Heartless b******s mocking me,
Talking of me, speaking of all the things I'll never be,
Whispering, quietly , elbowing the ribs of the guy right next to me, their smirks assaulting me,
Emotions affecting me
Jealousy
Greed,
Envy
Lust
Mistrust
Disfunction disrupting me
Destroying every shred of hope within me
Just to f*****g put it bluntly,
Yet they dare have the audacity
To expect from me,
Ask from me
Take from me
Plead forgiveness from the mistakes they purposely made against me.
It seems the only one that's good for me is me,
I'm alone
And always will be,
Drugs seem to be my fucked up family
And I'm running so far away they cant see me,
It's a minor problem but CPS takes custody
and places them back next to me
It vexes me
Haunting
Taunting
Flaunting possibility
At me
Luring
Obscuring the truth from me
Inviting me
Enticing me,
Hunting me
Calling me
Recklessly beckoning
Antagonizing
Provoking a reckoning
Life is just too damn funny
Everything I ever want is right in front of me, and yet to receive them I must not reach for them too early or they will hurt me
Destroy me
Slip from grasp obscuring purpose from within me
People and object make up 0 percent of me,
The obvious stated I'm lost partially
But you cant find me, or save me.
Learn to live , learn to trust, learn to not give up, be smart enough not to cut, when knocked down get back up, and dont f**k it up,
That's an angry voice speaking persistently within me, he is right, but I'm crazy
But that's the way this life made me
Abstain from relapse, just collapse into anxiety, that's what's best for me,
I'll give it a shot, but dont forget to catch my body, once it starts falling.
I suppose one must decend in order to rise to their calling.