It was the first time I'd ever let her read my writing, actually handed it to her and encouraged her to read my feelings and my thoughts and whatever emotion had taken hold of me. I should have been ashamed to offer her this dark side of myself so casually but she looked so honored to be trusted that somehow I couldn't. Janet took the papers from me with shaking hands and sat down at my makeshift desk and began to read.
I hovered over her shoulder and though I kept telling myself that it must be making her uncomfortable I couldn't help it. Janet was right to think that I was entrusting her with a large part of myself -- I'd never let anyone read my writing before. Whatever words came out of her mouth first would decide on whether or not I should continue writing or stick with my sketches.
The writing that had taken me hours to complete had only taken Janet about forty-five minutes to read. I stared at the back of her head as she set the papers down, her eyes focused on the RENT poster above my desk, and I waited as patiently as I could for her to speak first.
"You're so broken...not just the scars." she finally said, her voice lower than a whisper. If the room hadn't been silent I never would have heard her.
I reached out and placed my hands on her shoulders, massaging them gently and shrugging my own. She felt tense, uneasy, perhaps she was afraid of me or afraid for me. Either way I felt responsible but maintained my silence.
"It's beautiful, Michael." she said, and by the tone of her voice I could tell she meant it. "It's just a dark beauty. Sad." She reached back with one hand and rested it on top of one of mine, "I won't ask you to tell me now, but something else has happened to you that you haven't told me." Her head lowered and she let her hand fall away, her shoulders slumping forward. "Tell me when you're ready, but please do tell me someday."
My hands slid off of her shoulders and gripped the back of the chair instead, watching her, feeling bad for making her worry. I couldn't tell her about David so soon and I didn't know when I would tell her, but I knew that I would feel when I was supposed to tell her and that it would be easier for both of us then.
Slowly, she raised her head but didn't turn around to look at me.
"Say something, Michael."
"You said you've never been kissed."
It was clear it hadn't been what she'd expected to hear, turning her head slowly to look over her shoulder at me, her eyes swimming with tears. This shocked me because her voice had been so calm. I knelt down behind the chair, resting my chin on the back of it and staring into her eyes. "Don't be sad."
She lowered her gaze, smiling weakly. "I'm only worried."
Janet shifted in her seat so that she could face me easily and met my eyes again, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. We didn't speak for some time and it didn't take me long to realize my own tears were traveling down my cheeks. I let my head fall forward, our foreheads touching, and closed my eyes. "Don't worry about me, Janet. I'm taking care of myself."
"I did say I've never been kissed."
My eyes snapped open, the first thing I saw was her bright brown eyes watching me and I felt something inside me break into pieces. Something that should have broken long ago. Janet smiled, her eyes still watery, and I felt her hand resting on the back of my head and smoothing my hair.
"Never? Not even on the cheek?"
She closed her eyes and spoke a soft, "No."
This beautiful girl deserved to be covered in kisses, and even with her perfect life I knew there was pain inside of her too that was completely unrelated to me. In that moment when I had opened my eyes to see her gazing at me I had caught a glimpse of it lurking there. Even the smallest bit of pain I wanted to take from her. If I'd survived this long with everything that had happened to me, I could carry her pain too.
"Are you going to kiss me?" she asked suddenly.
I pulled my head away from hers at once and she withdrew her hand, the look on her face told me that she'd been expecting me to run. She had already been prepared for another dramatic shock because of what had happened yesterday. The thought of that made me feel guilty and I apologized at once but she shook her head.
"You know I can't..." I began but she shook her head gently.
"I don't know anything unless you tell me."
I looked down at the floor, silenced by her words.
"Tell me why you can't, Michael. You're the only one who can."
I got to my feet, my knees aching from having knelt on the concrete floor even for a short time, brushing off my jeans and turning away from her to sit back on the couch instead. "I can't just yet, you have to understand."
In her chair by the desk, she sighed and rested her head against the back of the chair, closing her eyes. "I'm trying to understand." She looked back at me, her head still resting on the wooden chair back, "You can't tell me yet or you can't kiss me yet?"
"I..." I glanced down at my hands, unsure of what I wanted to tell her. No, I couldn't tell her. "Can't tell you, I guess."
I listened to her get out of the chair and push it under the desk before walking across the room to stand in front of me at my spot on the couch. I didn't look up, trying to pretend she wasn't there, but she wasn't buying it.
"Look at me, please."
Something in her voice made me feel like I should listen so I slowly lifted my head to look up at her: the girl who'd never been kissed and who was trying so hard to mend something back together that was damaged beyond repair. Either she was an overachiever or she cared too much for her own good.
The biggest shock of my life thus far came when she climbed into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck in a way that suggested she wouldn't be letting go anytime soon. I wasn't so cruel as to push her away or act as though she wasn't there so I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly.
"Michael, I want you to kiss me." she murmured against my ear.
"We'll regret it." my voice sounded sadder than I had expected it to.
She didn't respond, but I felt a tear slide down my neck that was not my own.
I brushed her hair away from her face, willing her to look at me. "Please -- don't cry."
Our eyes met and I didn't pause to think, leaning forward to kiss away the tears on her cheeks, tasting her sorrow on my tongue. She looked surprised that I hadn't kissed her on the lips and maybe even a little hurt. Janet's hand rested against my cheek, stroking it with the back of her hand and letting her fingers trail away until her hand finally rested on my shoulder.
"I want..."
"...don't ask me for that."
Janet looked stung, surprised at my response because she must have placed so much belief in the stereotype that all men were horndogs. I wasn't like other boys, surely she'd realized that by now.
Her arms were around me again, holding me tight, but she was sobbing now. I felt terrible. I hadn't meant to upset her. I patted her awkwardly on the back, no longer sure if I was doing the right thing, and then I felt her breath warm against my ear as she spoke.
"I just...all the time it's a competition for love in my house. I can only get my parents attention when I can outdo my sisters -- it's a constant power struggle. I hate it..." she broke off, burying her face in my shoulder and trying to regain control of herself.
I felt a little sick. She just wanted to feel loved. Janet was a smart girl, an exceptionally smart girl, and should know better than anyone that sex doesn't mean love. Anyone can have sex and call it love but if there's no real passion behind it then it means nothing.
"Are you...sure?" I asked, but I had something else in mind than what she did.
She raised her head slightly, blinking tears out of her eyes. I kissed them away the way that I had before and she smiled, but that look was in her eyes again. Janet was leaning forward to kiss me on the lips but I turned my head away, kissing her on the cheek instead. I didn't give her a chance to ask why, pulling her against me and kissing down her neck.
There was something in that one gasp of surprise that startled me, glancing up at her as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back so I'd have better access. She was expecting me to sleep with her and I wasn't going to do that at all. When I was done I was hoping it'd mean more to her than any night of sex ever could.
I didn't fight against her when I felt her hands grabbing the bottom of my shirt and pulling it up and over my head, letting it fall to the floor. Her hands were cool against my skin and I tensed under her touch. I was slipping into a different place in my mind that I was determined not to go. I wouldn't let this turn sexual.
Pulling back, I picked her up bridal-style and stood up, her arms wrapped around my neck and I smiled down at her before turning to set her down on the couch and climbing up on top of her to remove her shirt. She made a move to undo my pants but I gently pushed her hands away, shaking my head. By now I could tell it was starting to sink in that she knew she wasn't getting what she'd asked for.
"Michael..." her dark eyes scanned mine like I was being x-rayed but I just smiled.
"Trust me."
"You know I do."
I was slow and gentle in removing the rest of her clothes, shocked to suddenly realize I barely knew this girl and yet she was lying beneath me naked. I was the first person she'd ever done this with, the only person she'd allowed to share her body with -- it was much the same as my writing. The rush of gratitude towards her was so strong that I started crying but I smiled through the tears.
Her hands grabbed hold of my shoulders, a slight blush to her cheeks. She was embarrassed and shy and I didn't know for sure how to make her more comfortable. I shook my head slowly, trying to comfort her, leaning down and kissing her cheek. "You're gorgeous, Janet."
I could tell by the look in her eyes she didn't believe that of herself but she didn't argue.
I nodded to show that I understood, "I'll help you see it, I promise."
It was a thrill to feel her body against mine and when she made her move to remove my pants again I didn't stop her against my better judgment. The last person I'd been this close to was no longer of this world and I had never once dreamed I'd get this close to a person again. The blush in her cheeks was more prominent once there was nothing between us and the urge to do something was stronger now but I managed to resist, trailing my hands over the sides of her body and stopping at her hips.
She didn't seem as upset anymore that I wasn't going to make love to her, even my slightest touch seemed to make her tense and I assumed it was in a good way. I picked up where I had left off, kissing down her neck and down the arch that connected it to her shoulder. My hands found hers and I lifted her arms to kiss them all the way down to her fingers, pressing the palm of her hand against my lips for a long moment.
She was smiling and when her eyes fluttered open to look at me the sorrow had retreated. Her hands ran down my back, her nails gently passing over my skin, and when I had always thought this would bother me it instead made me utter a low growl. She looked surprised at my reaction but giggled.
"You like that?" her voice had taken on a new tone.
I nodded, unable to find my voice, leaning forward to kiss between her breasts and down her body. Her fingers entwined in my hair the lower I went and she gasped when I kissed along her hipbone, her body tensing when I didn't hesitate to go between her legs. I let my eyes glance up long enough to see the look on her face that showed that she was wondering if maybe this was leading to something else. I reached for her hand and squeezed it once to reassure her it wasn't.
All the same, that didn't change the fact that it was a thrill and her hips arched towards my lips. I smiled in spite of myself, moving on to kiss the insides of her thighs and down her legs. I discovered she was ticklish when I reached her toes, laughing along with her and kissing them repeatedly purely for entertainment.
I took my time going back up, lingering with each kiss and memorizing the curve of her body, where each mole and freckle was, exactly how cool her skin was against mine. I had said I didn't want to taint her and I was proud of myself for having restrained myself and remaining a good boy.
When I reached her cheek I could tell she expected me to kiss her on the lips, her arms around my neck again to pull me down to her, put I pressed two fingers between our lips so that they couldn't meet. Her eyes slowly opened, confusion evident, but I only winked at her. I pulled back, kissing my fingers and pressing them to her lips.
"Now you can say you've been kissed." I said softly, staring down at her.
"You're so strange..." she replied, reaching up to cup my face in her hands.
I smirked, tilting my head to one side and grabbing her left hand to hold against my cheek, "I'm hoping you already knew that."
She gave a tiny nod, "I do and I love it."
I didn't resist when she pulled me down against her, wrapping her arms tightly around me and begging me to let her sleep here on the couch with me like this. How could I argue with her when I was enjoying it this much myself? I nodded against her shoulder, a little ashamed that I had a hard-on but she didn't seem to mind.
I was the one to fall asleep first -- the way that Janet was stroking my hair was more relaxing than anything else had been. "I'm sorry about yesterday..." I yawned, rubbing my cheek against hers.
She shooshed me, kissing my cheek and running her fingers through my hair. "Rest, I'm not going anywhere."
"Then forgive me."
She chuckled softly against my ear. "If I hadn't already forgiven you, I wouldn't have come."
After hearing this it was much easier to drift off to sleep.
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