I watched her sleep, holding my breath every time I had to shift my weight on the bed because I didn't want to wake up Janet and I certainly didn't want her to see me crying. I still hadn't reached a decision about how much to let her into my life, my past, all those dark memories. Especially with David. I looked down at the scar on my wrist, the result of my asking David to make a promise to me that if he left he would take me with him. David had been so confused and so hurt that I could even ask him to take me down too if he went over the edge.
We marked each other, he had a similar heart on his own wrist but by now I'm sure that I'm the only one that remembered it was there. And what's more, he had left me behind. I was still here and, as much as I loved him, I was a little angry because everything still hurt so much. I could still remember everything so clearly -- six months of silence and no social life whatsoever gave you a lot of time to brood on the past.
David had come to me in tears that night, water dripping from the blonde locks of hair and shaking from the cold. He kept saying he couldn't take it and didn't want to keep fighting. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want my mother to see him so I had to take him into the garage which was colder than the house but much more private. He was such a mess, having to literally cling onto me for support and sobbing so hard he could barely get out the words.
I finally managed to get him standing upright long enough to turn on the light for garage and I felt so sick when I looked at him and the blood dripping down his face, mingling with the rain water and leaving sickly puddles on the floor. I didn't even need to ask what happened and when he told me, of course I had already known. People at school had been giving us hell for weeks about being gay. When I tried to point out I dated Julianne they claimed it had been a cover-up to hide what I really was. In my head it still doesn't make sense that you should be judged for who you love.
"They attacked me, Michael, I didn't have anywhere else to go..." his voice was breaking on almost every word and I didn't have anything I could offer but my hand.
"We can break up..."
"No, that's the last thing I want."
"Is it worth getting killed over?" I asked him, trying to hold onto him but he pulled away from me and pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, showing me the heart-shaped scar I'd given him. I traced my finger over it, feeling sick. I knew what he meant but I didn't want to go. We could make life better, we could leave the state and start a life over new somewhere.
"I know what you're thinking," he said softly, watching my face. "But I can't do this, Michael. Every day for every month we've been together, it's killing me. And I'll be damned if I let them kill me, I'd rather do it myself..." He was taking deep breaths, trying to keep his voice audible over the rain outside, "You promised. You begged me, Michael, you begged me to take you with me."
I had indeed begged him and I also knew I no longer wanted to die, especially when I knew there were ways around this -- all we had to do was fight for them. I couldn't let him die alone, I didn't want him to die at all, and I could hardly break up with him and let him do it knowing that he'd think I no longer loved him.
I kissed him, silencing his tears and his stuttering voice and I whispered, "How are we doing it?"
The effect this question had on him was instant and the relief showed in his voice, "Do you have the keys to the car?"
I nodded, pulling them from my pocket and handing them to David. "You drive."
David climbed in behind the steering wheel and I joined him in the front, not bothering to fasten my seat belt. He didn't start the car right away, his head in some other place with the keys held lax in his hand. I reached over and grabbed his hand tightly, "I'm here."
David's hand was so cold, water dripping onto the upholstery, and as I watched him I watched something break to pieces and something new forming itself inside of him. I loved David more than I had ever loved Julianne. The nights that I needed him he was always there for me, telling me to meet him at the park or at the end of the street and he'd just hold me for as long as I needed until I could collect myself. I was there for him as much as I could be, what with dealing with my crazy mother and the people who threw rocks at me as I walked down the sidewalk.
As if jolted from a deep sleep, David suddenly took a deep breath of air and looked around wildly, blinking. For a moment it didn't seem as if he was entirely sure of where he was and then his eyes reached our clasped hands and he nodded as if that made perfect sense.
"I love you."
"You too."
He started the car and I released his hand and waited for the last drive we'd ever take together, using the remote control to open the door to the garage and we rolled out into the curtains of rain towards wherever David's mind went next. I was afraid but as long as David was beside me and I wasn't alone then I could face death. I forced myself to remain silent and not ramble on that this was a mistake, that we could simply keep driving until we'd crossed the state line, move somewhere where people weren't afraid of anyone who was different but embraced them for who they were.
David took his time in starting the windshield wipers, already three streets away from my house before he finally cut them on along with the headlights. I was surprised that we hadn't already crashed and even more surprised that David was holding the wheel so steady. I'm sure that he had no clue where he was going but his aching heart did, leading him down unfamiliar streets and past any sense of reality that was left to us. His mood was starting to infect me and now I no longer cared what became of me. Dying was the easiest solution. There would be no more students tormenting us in the halls or throwing rocks or slashing nails over my back. There would only be silence.
After an hour or more of driving and the scenery was not looking familiar to either of us, David slowed down the car until we finally reached a complete stop in the center of the road. The sound of the windshield wipers rhythmically swishing and the sound of the rain was somehow comforting, keeping me from screaming out that we should turn around and go back home. In the distance I could see it as easily as David could. A bridge and rushing water beneath it. I felt his hand close over mine and I squeezed it gently, giving the smallest of nods.
His foot rammed the gas pedal, flooring it and skidding across the wet pavement towards the bridge and the safety railing. The rain hammered the windows like bullets and we hydroplaned into the side of the railing, going over the edge as if we were free-falling. It was like time had turned into slow-motion, the water coming towards us and I could almost pretend it was an attraction at an amusement park, one of the virtual reality rides where everyone sits in a comfy chair in a dark room and a large screen.
David's hand closed tighter around mine and when we hit the water the windshield shattered, the pieces stopping as if held in place by time but were really only floating in the water now around us like small diamonds. I held my breath for as long as I could but hadn't managed to get hardly any air before going under. David sat there calmly, one hand still gripping the steering wheel. It was like being in a new world, the water so dark I could barely see David even with his skin being so pale. He wouldn't look at me, he seemed frozen and I watched as he took his first breath underwater, his hand releasing the steering wheel and grasping his throat.
Feeling sick, I grabbed him and tried to heave him out of his seat. Cursing, I looked down to see that, unlike me, David had fastened his seatbelt. It was then that I suddenly felt the sensation of being sucked into the abyss, the car slowly making it's way lower and we were getting farther from the surface and farther from the bridge. Why hadn't I noticed we were being swept away? If I acted fast enough, the chance was still very small that I could actually get us both out of here alive.
My hand released his and I fumbled for the release on the safety belt, finally managing to get it unhooked and swallowing far too much water at once, I tried my best not to gasp for air because it would only make it worse, swimming out the demolished front window and dragging David along behind me. He wasn't helping me to swim and if I could have I would have screamed for him to help me kick. His head lolled against his chest in the water, his hair floating like a golden halo around his head. I did not want him to be an angel off-earth just yet, I still needed him here. I kicked harder.
When I broke above the surface of the water I choked up water, gasping and struggling to pull David up beside me so that his head rested on my shoulder. I was shivering and I couldn't get my bearings in the dark of where we were and where the bank was. I swam aimlessly, struggling to keep his head above the water and to fight the current, the combined weight of our wet clothes dragging us down. I almost wanted to give up, David's face felt so cold against mine, but I hoped that was simply because of the water and not what I thought.
I'm not even sure how long I was fighting to get to the bank but eventually when I reached out with my hand it touched solid earth and not freezing cold water. I dug my nails in and forced David onto the bank as best I could before clamoring up beside him. From where we were now I could no longer see the bridge but I thought I could hear sirens.
"David...? Are you alright?" Grasping his hand firmly in mine I shook his arm roughly in hopes of getting a response. He didn't answer me and I felt nauseous, quickly grabbing hold of him and flipping him over onto his back and doing the first thing that popped into my mind, forcing his mouth open and breathing into him and pumping his chest with my hands. I was barely aware that the reason I was now shaking was because I was scared rather than cold.
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and onto his face, his bright blue eyes still opened wide as if he couldn't believe what he'd done. I tried not to focus on the eyes, pumping his chest harder, willing David to breathe.
"D****t, David, no..." I tried breathing into his mouth again, pinching his nose hard and closing my eyes. I fell down beside him, a mess of tears and anger at myself for not speaking up when I had the chance. David wasn't coming back and I wasn't going with him.
Laying here with Janet I couldn't seem to turn my mind off. She was the only person besides David who had shown any interest in my life and had made any effort to stand up for me. I was reluctant to get too close to her because what if she was the next one to be riding in the passenger's seat with me at the wheel? I didn't want to leave her behind feeling the way that I did on that bank holding his body in my arms. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
It had been easier by far to simply live my life in silence, remembering him and who he was and what he'd done with his life. How many more people could he have helped if I hadn't agreed to ride with him in the car that night, had not so easily handed over the car keys that would finish him but leaving me trapped here, alone?
Janet stirred in her sleep and I covered my mouth with one hand, not having realized I'd been speaking out loud to myself. I glanced over at the clock. It was seven thirty now and I still hadn't caught any extra sleep. I smoothed back her hair with one hand, looking down at her face. There were a lot of ways she reminded me of David but I had to keep in mind that no one could ever replace him, and if I were to ever allow her into my life as to have sex with her I couldn't do it as a way to replace him.
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