Her Home

I was once caught deeply in infatuation, realizing and acting on such was quite an opening to my writing.

The note she wrote had a soul,

It told me this.

The fears of ours mirrors shine luminous

Lit with the treachery from our hearts 

Our fate colder. 

So I enflamed the painting she depicted.

Here lies the belief that I could mold her.  

 

Ask for too much, and a want becomes a need 

"I've never felt this way" matures into "Why are you trying to hurt me?" 

Opportunism in threats to leave. 

Desensitivity to the word please. 

Love is knocked to its knees

Our civility turns combative, 

Devotion now delusional,

The same gun that cried at my compassion. 

I aim the barrel beneath her breast with. 

  

Help me find forever in another first kiss

With perfume mist and pain beneath my lips 

I have mangled my chest looking for it inside myself, 

You have it, I am contemptuous, I take aim to grab it. 

She looks the thief in the eyes,

With love as soft as the diamonds she uses to draw the painful lies on her skin, 

"You can have it" she sings

The faint taste of love makes her perfect

The trigger agrees.

 

I guide her arms 

Hold me as we anchor to the floor. 

She awaits the cues of commitments easily stirred

Toting righteous intuition 

But painting moons over clouded thoughts

Lie with me 

Cradled upon chests still beating, 

My thigh suddenly protruding, of a garter housed syringe,

But, my eyes linger upon the crescent hip   

My worries have underestimated you.

Loss of me, too deeply into. 

You are a brush of a floral scented wind,

Skin of rose pedals, 

Curves riddled with thorns, 

Poisonous beautiful.

Writhing in her love until sensitive skin is drenched in waters unbearable

Cataract eyes redden from chlorine, 

Blind before this chemical reaction. 

Faded lullaby's returned for misdirected outcries, 

Once sung, now reminiscent rapping 

"I need you" quick witted words burn from demons of our passion  

Until again a unison of caution.

The sunset is upon us, 

Our eyes dim. 

Painted night skies with doubt of its rise ever again, 

Until a neglected sun met its end. 

The love I chose, I let this happen 

Hopes of synced growths, 

are scheduled for their perish, 

Finally I call for curtains, 

Her very own, a rampant champion 

The prince whose slain, with the flames of the dragon. 

I will die in this continuum, of what I imagined.... 

I couldn't see you. Only what my heart could fathom.

So for our final act performed with the blades at our ankles

I'll trade you. 

 

That part of your heart. 

For that part of my mind. 

Let us waste of a love, meant to spoil in time. 

Pull the devil from our left eyes, 

and relish how beautiful it was to be blind 

As I read this note that says, You were never yours. When you were mine.

Author's Note

Open to criticisms. Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

“The notes she wrote said to me,” – The note she wrote said – As readers we understand that this note is probably to the speaker and the it is just one note which I am assuming are the next line of this piece. This piece is longer in length than a good majority of pieces, so you want to try and shorten it down by taking out unnecessary words to keep the attention of your reader.

“The fears of ours mirrors shine luminously of the treachery from our hearts as we grow colder,” – I speculate that this is the note that she wrote. If that is the case, it should be spaced out between the first and third line. Otherwise, it looks like the third line is also part of the note. It wouldn’t make much sense if the third line is part of the note because the speaker has already distinguished that the speaker is “me” and not “her” and that “she” is the subject in which wrote the note.

“This is why I thought that I could mold her.” – With the previous stated, this should be spaced from the line above, or you can always italicize it to make it stand out within the poem. This specific line in the poem has a lot of weight to it. It could be interpreted in quite a many ways but my feeling is that you want this to mean something specific. If that is the case, then show the reader this, instead of just blunting saying it. I was curious as to how the speaker went about to try and mold this “her”, but I was disappointed when there really wasn’t anything else that would allude back to this.

“Ask for too much, then a want becomes a need” – Want for too much and it then becomes a need? I get a general sense of want from this piece from both the speaker and the mysterious, unnamed woman, but I never really get a sense of asking for too much.
“ "I've never felt this way" mature into "Why are you trying to hurt me's?"” – Matured, past tense as it has already changed. Me, not sure if it was just a spelling error. No s or apostrophe.

“Opportunism in threats to leave.” – Opportunism is an interesting word to use and might be a little too much here. I agree that it makes perfect sense in this piece and even the placement of it is great; however, opportunism’s definition is not widely known correctly. Readers might mistake this for a different meaning then what you are intending.

“Desensitivity to please.” - Desensitivity isn’t an actual word and I believe the word you are looking for is insensitivity. In this sentence it doesn’t quite make sense because you present an oxymoron. To be without sensitivity lacks the want to please. If that is what you are going for, then try rewording it a bit to make it seem like that. As it stands right now, it seems like the speaker is trying to please through the “desensitivity”
“Love feels knocked to its knees” – This could be taken many ways. For me, what I see, is love taking some humanly form and bowing on both knees in surrender, and very morbidly, execution.

“Our civility turns combative,” – Who is the “our” here? At the beginning of the poem you have the speaker (me) and then a third party (she/her). Now there is a switch that happens throughout the rest of the piece. It moves between being a speaker and a third party to being a speaker and direct party (our/you/your). This is very confusing as a reader to follow because I cannot tell if there are two or three people involved in this piece. I also really enjoy this line.
“Devotion now delusional,
The same gun that cried at my compassion.” – These two lines are probably my favorite within the entire piece. There is something so very striking about this image and just the feelings from it that leaves its impression.

“I bellow shots to beneath her breasts with” – Something about the way that this is worded makes it incredibly confusing. I’m not exactly sure what the image is here. Is the speaker bellowing out shots that hit her beneath the breast?

“Tragic.” – This seems unnecessary and too heavy. Readers get the sense of some sort of tragedy throughout the piece and it doesn’t have to be spelled out for us here.

“When a better yesterdays feeling takes airs of magic.” – “When a better yesterday feels like magic” or maybe even an illusion. “When a better yesterday feels like an illusion”

“With perfume mist and pain beneath my lips” – Do you mean behind the lips? I’m not sure, anatomically, where beneath the lips would be.

“I have mangled my chest looking for it inside me,” – As a reader, I assume the “it” is either love or a heart. If it is anything besides these two, you might want to think of a better way of phrasing this line to not be so vague

“You have it, so it shall be, and take aim to grab it.” – This is yet another reference to a possible gun, possibly one loaded with either love or guilt, hatred and betrayal or all of the above. If that is true, it makes the previous line look like whatever the speaker is looking for is this gun. There are a lot of references throughout this piece and narrowing them down could make the piece flow better altogether.

“She looks the thief in the eyes,” – Love this line.

“With love as soft as the diamonds she uses to draw the painful lies on her skin,” – Instead of using diamonds as a metaphor, you could go back to using mirrors as a reference to tie in better with the beginning and end of the piece. It will also give a lot of depth to the politics of cutting. Some people do it for attention, some to get rid of pain – either way, it is all very personable and reflects who they are as people. Sometimes we are our own worst demons.

“She softens as she says” – The word soft has already been used in the line above this one. You could replace it with something similar, even whisper, and it would make it flow better and not have your reader caught up on words that are continuous throughout the piece.

“"You can have it".” – This could speak volumes if we had some action with this. Did the she reach out or curl in? Did blood drip down from her onto the speaker? Give us something to go on. Was it this gun in all its metaphoric glory? Is it her heart? There is so much going on in this poem, so many layers to it, that some clarification is needed at times like this.

“The faint taste of love makes her perfect” – This is a great line. It makes me think of numerous things, including the people that are hard to get. As humans, we also seem to want what we cannot have. This line makes the her in this piece desirable.

“I guide arms to hold me as I anchor.
She awaits the cue, each cautions second thought,” – At first, I was caught up on the wording of this line, but the more and more I read it, the more I like it.

“shocked with how yesterday my heart had short circuited too.” – So far, this has been a timeless place, I think it would be in the piece’s best interest to keep it that way.

“Pressed to your chest, my thigh etched, of a garter hosed blade,” – this line is slightly confusing. This is one of the place where you switch from a “she” to a “your”. Also, this blurs the line of what gender your speaker is. A garter hose on your speaker makes it sound like the speaker is also a woman. I also see that the garter hose blade could be where the woman pushed up against the male in this scenario, leaving the mark from her garter hose; however, there is nothing in this piece to suggest that the two mention within would have that sort of contact.

“Now I am aware to the damage you can do.
But still intimidated by the wounds across the face of my problems
Instead of me, I'd much rather look at you. “ – I feel that these three lines are unnecessary. We see all of this and feel this throughout the piece and don’t really need to be told. This last line is shown by the verse beneath and the first line is shown over and over again throughout the poem.

“Nothing less then beautiful.” - than

“Must it be true, that oppositions do cause attraction?
Seldom seen a plus minsus a subtraction
If not addition, there is no solution, for on 2 feet, we remain fractions,” – The only thing that makes sense to me in these three lines is the last part of the last sentence. Even then, this small part of the poem sticks out to me as unfitting. I do not think that the piece actually benefits from these lines. It is just minus – there is no real plural for it and the opposites attraction is pretty cliché. Nothing in this poem suggests that the speaker and the her are opposites, but rather , it shows how much they are actually alike.

Writhing in her love until sensitive skin is drenched in waters unbearable
“Cataract eyes redden from the Cl17,” – I like this line, but there isn’t really any reason to not just say chlorine. Your general audience won’t know that chlorine is CL 17 and it could really lose meaning within the poem if your readers don’t understand what you are saying.

“But the question remains,
What happened?
Tattered and tattooed wings open, as I begin to descend into flight,
Until again I think twice. Caution.
Because I'll let you go
Who can I ask then?
However” – These seven lines seem like a stretch. As if you were unsure how to get back to point a from point b. Here you have some of the shortest lines with the simplest words that break the flow of the piece and are very jarring compared to the vocabulary of the rest of the piece.