Healing Beyond Trauma

This chapter seeks to help readers understand the importance of forgiving people who have caused them great harm and walks them through steps to forgive and let go of past wounds.

 “Healing Beyond Trauma”

Copyright © 2018 by Dr. Kristi B. Godwin.
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Author gives permission for worksheets and prayers to be photocopied or reproduced for therapeutic use in a ministry, counseling, or therapy setting. 

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018905872
BeTheAuthorOfYourLifeBook,CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, North Charleston, SC

First Printing, United States, 2018

ISBN-13: 978-1717574855

ISBN-10: 1717574858

 

 

Chapter Four: Forgiving Your Abuser(s)....

            I know what you're thinking, "How could I possibly forgive them?? What they did was UNFORGIVEABLE!" Sometimes it feels as if we, the "victims," are having to do all the work, while the perpetrators of our abuse get to waltz through life carefree without consequence. It seems that way, I know, but trust me...it's an ILLUSION. This is yet another of those false beliefs we often take on after trauma which comprises most of the bars of the prison we live the rest of our lives in. UNLESS we can find the truth that is the key that unlocks that prison. If there is ONE truth that is the master key to freedom for you, let me tell you....FORGIVENESS is it!! There is no easy way around it. You cannot escape it. The only way to freedom is through it!

But let me clarify a few things. One thing I realized in my own journey to forgiveness was that some part of me, deep inside, believed that I was in part responsible, or even in control maybe, of making sure my abuser(s) got the punishment they deserved. And if I "let it go," or forgave them, I was letting them off scot-free, without any punishment. I held on to that anger, that trauma, that hurt, for dear life! Surely, they deserved to pay for what they did to me! I believed forgiving them meant me psshawwing their wrong, in essence saying "Oh, it's OKAY! No big deal! Just go on as if it never happened, I'm FINE!" And that would be a lie. I could not go along with that lie, not even in pretense. I wasn't fine. I would never be "fine" again. I was irrevocably altered by the events I suffered at their hands. And nothing would ever change that. So how could I forgive them???

Then a really wise lady I sought counsel from on occasion said to me one day, "Holding on to unforgiveness, and bitterness, is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die." WHOA!! That drove into my heart like a knife! What that said to me is that instead of punishing my abuser by withholding my forgiveness, I was actually punishing myself! Hadn't I suffered enough already? I had to really give that some thought. So, I started doing some research. What I found was astounding. Medical science has researched and found a connection between unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger with heart disease, heart attack, stroke, and even cancer. Medical doctors are seeing that there is a very real connection between the spiritual heart or spirit, and the physical heart and body. So, if holding on to unforgiveness could actually cause me to have a heart attack, or a cancerous tumor to grow, and KILL ME, then I was in essence KILLING MYSELF by holding on to my hurt. A righteous anger rose up in me at the very thought of that. I was the victim! I was abused and traumatized, through no fault of my own, and I might die because of it?? That's when I started developing the motivation to actually forgive and let go. If forgiving meant that my abuser(s) no longer had power over me, and could no longer hurt me every time I remembered the abuse, and that I, too, could go on with my life, carefree, almost as if it had never happened....then okay, I'm in! Let the forgiving commence!

If only it were that simple....Simple it is, easy it is not. It is simple, in that it really is a choice you can make for yourself (not for THEM, but for YOU). You can choose to forgive, and in doing so unlock the prison you were placed in by your abuse and trauma. Sometimes that is much harder than it seems. We just want to hold on to those deep, deep wounds with all we have. We want justice to be served and we think we can somehow control that. In holding on, though, you are not forgiving. Just like you can choose to forgive, you can also choose to stay imprisoned. But why would you?? If you know you have freedom just one step away, why would you refuse to take that step?? But people do just that, all the time. What will you choose to do? For me it became a very black and white decision. I broke it down to life or death. I could choose to hold on to the unforgiveness, but in doing so I would be choosing my own death. Yes, sure, maybe I could live a few more years, but I would be miserable, lonely, angry, and bitter, isolated in a prison of my own making. What kind of a life is that?? OR, I could choose to FORGIVE, and in doing so I would be choosing to walk out of the prison into a life of freedom in which I could potentially experience peace, love, joy, and happiness like I had never known. And THAT would be truly living!! So, what to choose...life or death?? I chose life!!! And I have not, not even for one millisecond, ever regretted that choice. Instead I chide myself for putting it off and cheating myself out of the peace and happiness I now WALK IN DAILY for so long!

So how do you do this? You just do it! Everyone will develop their own individual process that works best for them, but I'll share my process with you and you are more than welcome to try it for yourself. I encourage you to do this your own way, though. As long as you don't skip important steps or gloss over it and not actually forgive! Trust me, I've done that, too!! I was 33 the first time I really forgave someone. I had said I had forgiven them many times before that, and even had forgiven to some degree. But at 33 I realized I was still holding on, at least a little bit on some levels, to every single hurt I'd ever experienced. And if you're holding on, that means you haven't truly forgiven yet.

So, I sat down and methodically went back through my life and thought of every single hurt I had ever experienced. And it was a lot!! I had a notebook, and I filled up a few pages...just with the names of the people who had hurt me (not what they had done). Rows and rows of names. People who had rejected me, mocked me, abused me, betrayed me, lied to me, stolen from me, abandoned me.....you get the idea. ANY hurt at all, I wrote the name down on my list. And then I started going down the list, forgiving one by one.

I used a three-step process to forgive; I'll expound a bit more on those steps in another chapter. For the purpose of forgiving, though, forgiveness is only step one. The second step is releasing them to your Higher Power, God as you understand Him/Her, and letting go of the hurt, anger, and bitterness. The final step is a "test-step"….it is to ask your Higher Power to bless him or her. If you can truly, sincerely from your heart, ask for blessings for your abuser, then you have forgiven and released them.

1.      FORGIVE

2.      RELEASE/LET GO

3.      BLESS/WISH WELL

            Once you have completed this step you should be able to think of the person who hurt you, the things they did that hurt you, and feel no real pain or anger at all any longer. It should be an objective memory without strong emotion attached. If you have not achieved that level of peace with it yet, then go back to step one and go through the process again. It may take a few tries to fully forgive. That is okay. What is not okay is giving up and continuing to hold on to the toxic unforgiveness, and choosing to stay in your prison. Fight for your freedom! You deserve it!

 If you do find it difficult to forgive, a method often recommended is to “pray for your enemies” daily until you are able to forgive. If prayer is not something you practice, consider starting a new habit. Research shows that prayer is a protectant against depression and that it does aid in healing (Miller 2013). Dr. Lisa Miller, professor and director of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University conducted a study that shows that people who valued their religion and prayed regularly had thicker cortices in the brain which indicated a lower chance of depression (2013). Another study, conducted by Dr. William Harris of the Mid America Heart Institute in Kansas City, MO, demonstrated that patients who were prayed for over the course of one year had eleven percent fewer heart attacks and strokes than patients who had not been prayed for (1999). So prayer appears to have value and effectiveness even in the scientific and medical communities. Why not give it a try?

Below,  you will find several different forgiveness models to use:

Sample prayer of forgiveness:

 

Dear Heavenly Father,

     I forgive ______________ for hurting me by _____________. I forgive him/her and ask You to forgive him/her, too. I release them into Your hands, for You to do as You see fit. I let go of all the pain, anger, bitterness, and resentment I have toward them about this. I ask Your forgiveness for holding on to this hurt for so long. I also ask You to bless them, to bring them into right relationship with You, and to give them a good life.

 

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

 

 

 

 

Forgiveness Worksheet:

 

People I need to forgive:                               Offense they committed:

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Forgiveness Worksheet:

 

People I need to forgive:                               Offense they committed:

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Enright Forgiveness Process Model (Enright 2001)

PRELIMINARIES

Who hurt you?

How deeply were you hurt?

On what specific incident will you focus? ‘

What were the circumstances at the time?

Was it morning or afternoon? Cloudy or sunny?

What was said? How did you respond?

 PHASE I�"UNCOVERING YOUR ANGER How have you avoided dealing with anger? Have you faced your anger? Are you afraid to expose your shame or guilt? Has your anger affected your health? Have you been obsessed about the injury or the offender? Do you compare your situation with that of the offender? Has the injury caused a permanent change in your life? Has the injury changed your worldview?

PHASE 2�"DECIDING TO FORGIVE Decide that what you have been doing hasn’t worked. Be willing to begin the forgiveness process. Decide to forgive.

PHASE 3�"WORKING ON FORGIVENESS Work toward understanding. Work toward compassion. Accept the pain. Give the offender a gift.

PHASE 4�"DISCOVERY AND RELEASE FROM EMOTIONAL PRISON Discover the meaning of suffering. Discover your need for forgiveness. Discover that you are not alone. Discover the purpose of your life. Discover the freedom of forgiveness. (Enright 2001)

 

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

 1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning the action. In forgiveness you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally.

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes�"or 10 years�" ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.

 6. Give up expecting things from your life or from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, and work hard to get them. However, these are “unenforceable rules:” You will suffer when you demand that these things occur, since you do not have the power to make them happen.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have.

9. Amend the way you look at your past so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive. (Greater Good, 2004)

 

Author's Note

Do you think this style book will help people recovering from trauma or an abusive relationship?