Chapter 27

Step one to my new life: My mother’s funeral.

I wore a new perfectly fitted suit, which I had found in my new closet, to the funeral. Rylan silently drove me to the funeral home where the mournful event was being held. He wore a nice black suit with a silver tie and shirt. “I can’t actually be seen right now, but I’ll be right there whenever you need me, okay?”These were the first words that were transferred between us all morning.

Rylan parked in a spot in the front row of the deserted funeral home parking lot. When the car was in park he hopped out and opened the door to my right�"just like Phoenix. I shuddered at the thought of Phoenix. I took a deep breath and put my hand in Rylan’s. He helped me up and out of the car. The second I stepped out he was invisible. He closed the door behind me and put his hand on the small of my back.

                I wandered solemnly into the home. Rylan’s hand didn’t leave me. He sat next to me on the end of the bench. I was the only one in the home, for now. I came a half hour early so I could just sit and be alone with my mother one last time. The golden brown casket sat in the front of the chapel-like room with flowers encircled around it. I sniffed away tears�"trying to be manly for this new Hero. My mind shot to the last time I saw her. Her bloody body all cut up and black and blue.

                A hand cupped my shoulder. “You have to forget about that. Think of the better times you had. Remember her before the accident.”

“I can’t.” I sniffed away some tears, “It’s too bad.”          

                “You always can. When was the last time you saw her alive.” He was whispering into my ear. His warm breaths, making the hair on my neck stand up.

                “The dance,” I answered trying to look back at the memory, “She was taking pictures of Phoenix and I together.”                

                “Was she happy?” Rylan’s voice was slowly soothing me deep down to the core.

                “She was glowing. She loved Phoenix. Every time he came over she would do anything she could for him.” I laughed, “She became the perfect little house maid whenever he came around. It was funny because she was never like that any other time. She was just always trying to show off for him�"trying to impress him.” I smiled slightly then continued to talk, “That night Phoenix got ready at his house. But she managed to make enough food to feed a whole army of people. Phoenix ate as much as he could before the dance. He was always so sweet. He always complimented her and thanked her for everything.” My mind ran over memories of that night. The way our bodies intertwined, sweat pouring off of us.    

                “Whoa, didn’t want to see that, bud.”  I blushed horribly and sunk my head to my chest. “How do you see your mom now?” I smiled as I realized that I saw her as I did that night�"glowing. She looked like an angel�"she was an angel.

                “Thank you.” I said, and I looked up at the coffin. The picture sitting on it was from her wedding day. She was so beautiful and glowing just like my newfound memory. I loved her, and I loved that that’s how I now remembered her. As I looked back, when I started dating Phoenix she had stopped drinking all together. He had given her hope… He had given me hope, too.

                I had another question that Rylan needed to answer. “Where was I those three days after Phoenix left? I know it was you who caught me. Where’d you take me? Who’d you give me to?”

                “You were with me, at home. I could’ve let you go home, but I didn’t. I’m sorry for that, but you were just so sad, and so depressed. You didn’t stop crying for those three days. I just wanted you to have someone to hold you and tell you that everything was going to be alright.”

                I looked up to where his face would be, “You read my mind, didn’t you?”

                “Right now, this was the first time I’ve ever read your mind. You see I couldn’t actually find you. It was Phoenix who found you for me. He’s the only reason I got here.”

                “Wait what are you talking about?” I asked loudly. “Are you saying Phoenix was just a spy for you?”

His finger covered my mouth and turned me around. My father stood at the back of the church, His blonde hair a mess and his hands twisting around a small program. Large dark bags hung under his bloodshot eyes. “Dad?” I asked carefully trying not to spook him. He wore a grey suit with a black tie and blue shirt.

                His head lifted up and he looked at me, misery was radiating off of him. I stood up leaving Rylan behind. I walked right up to my dad and wrapped my arms around his frail body. He broke out into sobs. His arms wrapped around me tightly and tugged at the jacket behind me. “I’m so sorry, son. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

                For once I didn’t think about myself. I focused on helping my dad. I helped him up to the casket and held his hand as he spread his fingers across the wood. “I love this picture,” he grabbed the picture placed on the casket. “I took this you know. I had taken the camera from the photographer and ran around taking pictures. Somehow, I got this.” He stroked the side of the picture where her cheek was. “She was the most beautiful woman in the world.”

                “I know dad, she was.” I looked at the old picture with him.

                “I loved her, more than you could possibly know.”

                I laughed, “I’m sure I know.”

                “No, you and that Phoenix boy, that couldn’t be love. Not the way he left you. I think you’re just waiting for someone else. Just like I was always waiting for your mother you’re waiting for the right person.”

                I looked at him, he’d never made this much sense before. “I need to catch a flight, I just wanted to come and pay my respects, especially to you my son. I needed to know you were alright. Everything seemed to happen to you all at once.”

                “Yeah, it kind of did.”

His hand went to my back and he embraced me again. He wrapped his arms tight around me and kissed the side of my head, “I love you. I’ll be in touch son.”

                He pulled away and kissed me once again on the forehead. He looked at the casket one more time, and then he kissed the top of it. “I love you Meredith. Someday I will be with you again, like we were supposed to be.”

                He looked at me once more and stepped out of the room.  I had never felt so much love for my father in my life. I realized that he, too, was human and he, too, made mistakes just like I constantly did in my life. But underneath all of his mistakes he had love that would continue forever in his heart�"just like me, too.

 

***

               

                I didn’t really care who came to the rest of the service. During the program people sang, people talked about my mother’s life, and people even spoke on how great she was. I was asked to speak at the service. Through my speech I left out the whole drinking part and the few years that she and I didn’t get along. I was proud of myself for getting up in front of all the people at the funeral.

I didn’t even really get emotional until the burial. I drove up with Jo and Ryder to the burial plot. Jo stood next to me as we circled around the brown casket. Ryder put his arms around Jo and pulled her in close to his chest. The wind whipped everyone’s hair around their faces. I watched through my dark bangs as they put my mother on the casket mover. My eyes moved to the crowd surrounding my mother. All of them looked either at me or the casket. All the eyes on me were filled with sympathy. I could tell that they all wanted to help me, but they actually couldn’t. Or maybe they were shocked at how different I looked. I know it took Jo a few minutes to get used to it. Really, I had no idea why anyone would be trying to focus on me. I wasn’t the important one here. Everyone should be looking at my beautiful mother being placed in the earth below�"even me. I lowered my gaze back down to the casket.

                My mother lay in her casket waiting to be buried.  Was I ready for that? Someone said some last words and the casket began to move. That’s when I broke down. Sobs broke from my structured façade. I buckled over and grabbed at my stomach. I knew I couldn’t hold it the whole time. I was surprised I even made it this far.

                Rylan’s hands went around my sides and he lowered down to my level. I felt his warm breath on the back of my ear as he spoke. “Collin, you need to stand up. You need to see this. You can do it, I’m right here.” I didn’t know what was inside of me, but it trusted Rylan. “You need to say good bye.” With a tightening of his hands I was lifted up. Jo wrapped her arm around my shoulders and supported me. Rylan’s hand stayed on my back making sure not to touch Jo.

                I curled my arms in front of me and put one of my hands in front of my mouth. I didn’t hide it. I cried and cried. I had the right. My mother was being buried. She hadn’t seen me get married, she’d never be a grandma, she’d never see me graduate, and I hate that I did it.

Rylan leaned into me and I felt his strong shoulder between my shoulder blades. “You did not do this, Collin.”

                I cried a sob and spoke quietly to the man standing behind me. “I hate this.”

                “You did not do this, Collin. You could not have done this at all.” I sobbed some more and pushed into the strength behind me. The tears poured down my wind rashed cheeks and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to get into this right now, so I didn’t. I held onto it.

                When the service was over people came over and told me their sympathies they patted my shoulders and hugged me. This was all protocol. No one actually cared what I was actually feeling or going through.

 Jo and Ryder drove me back to the church where Rylan’s car was. Ryder wrapped his arms around me. “I’m glad you’re doing alright, Collin. It’s actually quite amazing. I don’t know how you’re doing so well. If that was my mother I wouldn’t have the strength to even stand let alone go to her funeral.”

                “Maybe, I’m just getting used to my life sucking.” I was getting rather used to it. Nothing seemed to get better. Everything gradually just got worse. 

                Jo smiled and kissed my cheek. “I love you. I’m so proud of you.” I felt her hand pinch around my elbow and I missed having her so close to me. She always made everything better when I felt bad, but somehow she couldn’t help me anymore.

                Rylan’s voice came through my ear and I felt the sudden relief of comfort coming from him. It was the usual comfort that I would feel with Jo, but it had now moved to him. Rylan spoke and continued on with Jo’s sentence, “So am I.”

                I suddenly felt that he was gone. His presence left and the soothing feeling escaped from my body. My head twisted as I tried to look for him. “Who’s picking you up?” asked Jo also looking around the parking lot.

                I froze. I didn’t know the answer to this, “I don’t know. That’s his car.”

                “Who’s?” Ryder asked in a protective tone. Ever since Phoenix left, Ryder figured it was his job to take care of me.

                “Me.” Rylan appeared behind us. He had walked out from the funeral home making it less noticeable that he was in fact a Hero.

                Ryder looked at him strangely, “And who are you?” That’s actually a good question that I also wanted to know.

                Rylan stuck out his hand, “I’m Rylan Khorry or Dr. Khorry.” Ryder stuck out his hand and he and Ryder both grasped hands.

                “Who’s this?” gasped Jo and I could see her cheeks turn a shade of pink. “He’s so cute.” She whispered behind her hand so that not everyone would hear her.

                “Why thank you, miss.” Rylan’s cheeks also reddened a little as he clearly heard her words. How could he not know that he was attractive, though?

                “Doctor?” asked Ryder. His brows had sunk into the top of his nose. He was trying to figure out this new man standing in front of him.

                Rylan put his arm around my shoulders like we were long time pals. “That’s how I met Collin. I worked on his mother when she came in. His story touched me so much that I looked further into his file and wanted to help anyway that I could. He’s been at my house for awhile now, before the incident.”

                “The incident?” Ryder was being way to overprotective, but Rylan had an answer for everything Ryder threw at him.

                He smiled at me and then whispered over to Jo and Ryder, “You do know about the attempted suicide, right?”

                “You know about that?” I asked with a worried tone in my voice.

                He realized that I could play along too. “Of course I do,” he smiled down towards me. “Ever since then, that dark man has been around at night. Floating outside your window, teaching you or whatever he does.”

                Jo smiled as she remembered, “How is that Hero?”

                “He’s magnificent.” I answered, “He’s saved my life more than he knows.”

                “I think he’s quite aware. I mean he can read minds and such, can’t he?  I’m not saying that he reads yours all the time, but I’m sure you’ve made it known to him verbally and mentally to him.”

                This had changed into a conversation between Rylan and me. “I haven’t much, but I’m sure he has to know. I mean look at how far I’ve come just today.”

                “You have done amazing today, I’m very proud.”

                Jo and Ryder just looked at us like we were crazy. She cleared her throat trying to bring us out of our own little reality and back to real life. Mine and Rylan’s head snapped to her. “You should get going, it’s freezing.” I was now pushing her away. “Thanks so much for coming.”

                “She was like a second mother to me, I wouldn’t miss it.”

                “And thank your parents for coming too, at least to the service. Thank you also Ryder.”

                He nodded and put his arm around Jo. “My pleasure, please try to distance me from my family. I’m not them and they aren’t me.”

                I nodded, “I’ll try.”  It was true, he really wasn’t his family, but he was still part of his family and so was Phoenix. At least for now it was still hard. They walked away and Rylan pulled me toward the car. When we turned his hand pulled away from me.

                “Nice playing along. I figured we’d have to practice that.”

                I laughed, “I really got used to making up stories when I was with Phoenix. I always had to have a reason to leave the house.” Rylan looked over the top of the car at me. I suddenly felt a wave of nausea as I remembered Phoenix was gone.